122 


k. 


blCk<5c  FITZGERALD    PUBLISHLRS, 


Thatm 
List  vh 
press,  S: 
ean  hat 
is  reedi 


Ked. 


■)oks  in  ihii 
mail  or  ej-~ 
'/  want  f/ou 
aine  day 


^  THE  LIBRARY 

^       THE  UNIVERSITY      [=- 

ij^        OF  CALIFORNIA       3S 

^""ll  LOS  ANGELES         |  -S 

s^S  -'to  the 

^^-^  ...25ct3. 

Ths  I  '  of  life 

•  •■25  cts. 
Ellen                                                                        ,  e^cit. 

and  c  mot  vice 

•  ••25  Cts. 

The  Orphan  Seamstress.     A  Narrative  of  Innocence,  Guilt 

Mystery  and  Crime.  By  the  author  of  "  Caroline  Tracv."  This  narrative 
ot  events  in  Jsew  York  is  especially  interesting,  as  it  alludes  to  incidents 
•which  every  newspaper  reader  must  remember.    Price 25  ctS. 

Clarence  Bolton.     A  New  York  story,  with  city  life  in  all 

Its  phases.  This  is  one  of  those  fascinating  tales  of  city  life  that  gives  an 
insight  into  every  class  of  society.      Price .25  cts. 

Grace  Weldon ;  or,  Tlie  Pretty  Milliner.  This  is  a  story  about 
the  Sewing  Girls  of  Boston.  Full  of  fun  and  adventure.  Anv  person  who 
desires  to  read  a  lively  story  should  not  fail  to  get  this  wor£ 

Price OE    A. 

25  Cts. 

Chips  from  Uncle  Sam's  Jack-knife.    Illustrated  with  over 

100  Comical  Bngravings,  and  comprisin?  a  collection  of  over  500  Laughable 
Stories,   FuEuy  Adventures,  Comic   Poetrv,  Queer   Conundrums    ferrifio 
Puns,  Witty  Sayings,   Sublime  .Tokes  and   .Sentimental  Sentences.    The 
whole  heme  a  most  perfect  pcrtfolio  for  those  who  love  to  laugh 
Larg-e  octavo.     Price 25  ct» 


Popular  Books  sant  Fi-ae  of  Postags  at  the  Prices  annezeS. 
Barton's  Comic    Recitations   and  Humorous  Dialogues. 

Containing  a  variety  of  Comic  Recitations  in  Prose  and  Poetry,  Amusing 
iJialogues,  Burlesque  Scenes,  Eccentric  Orations  and  Stump  Speeches,  H  u- 
morou8  Interludes  and  Laughable  Farces,  designed  lor  School  Commence- 
ments and  Amateur  Theatricals.     Edited  by  Jerome  Barton. 

180  pajres,  paper.     Price 30  Ct* 

Boards 50  CtS. 

Brndder  Bones'  Book  of  Stump  Speeches  and  BurlesqiiS 

Orations.  AUo  containing:  Humorous  Lectures,  Ethiopian  Dialogues,  Plan" 
tat:uu  >Lene»,  Xegro  Farces  and  Burlesques,  Laughable  Interludes  and  Com- 
ic Recitations,  interspei-sed  ■with  Dutch,  Irish,  French  and  Yankee  Storiea. 

Wited  by  John  F.  Scott.     Paper  covers.     Price 30  Ct8. 

Bound  in  boaixis,  lHuniinated 50  CtSc 

Wilson's  Book  of  Recitations  and  Dialogues.     With  In- 

Ftructions  in  Elocution  and  Declamation.  Containing  a  choice  selectioa  of 
Poetical  and  Prose  Recitations  and  Original  CoUotiuies.  Designed  as  a 
Reading  liook  lor  Classes,  and  as  an  Assistant  to  Teachers  and  Students  in 
preparinij   E.vhibitions.     By  Floyd   B.   Wilson,  Professor  ot   Elocution. 

186  pas-es,  Kimo.,  pajier  covers.     Price , 30  CtS. 

IJouud  in  boards,  cloth  back 50  CtS. 

Spencer's  Book  of  Comic  Speeches  and  Humorous  Reci- 

tions-  A  collection  of  Comic  Speeches  and  Dialogues,  Humoi-ons  iTose  and 
Poetical  Recitations,  Laughable  Dramatic  Scenes  and  Burlesques,  and  Ec- 
centric Characteristic  Soliloquies  and  Stories.  Suitable  lor  Seliool  Exliibiv 
tions  and  Evening  Entertainments.     Edited  by  Albert  J.  Spencer. 

192  pages,  18mo.,  paper  covers.     Price 30  CtS. 

Bound  in  boards,  cloth  back 50  CtS. 

Frost's  Dialogues  fcr  Young  Folks.  A  collection  of  Orig- 
inal Moral  and  Ilumorous  Dialogues.  Adapted  to  the  use  of  School  and 
Church  Exhibitions,  Family  Gatherings,  and  Juvenile  Celebrations.  By 
8.  A.  Frost,  author  of  "  The  I'arlor  Stage."  Paper  covers.  Price... 30  CtS. 
Bound  in  boards,  cloth  back,  side  in  coloi-s 50  CtS- 

Amateur  Theatricals,  and  Fairy-Tale  Dramas.  A  collec- 
tion of  Original  Plays,  expressly  desiprned  for  Drawing-room  perfonnance. 
By  S.  A.  I'kost.  This  work  is  designed  to  meet  a  want,  which  has  been  lonjf 
felt,  of  short  and  amusing  pieces  jiuitable  to  the  hmited  stage  of  the  private 

parlor.     Klmo.,  188  pages,  paper  covers.     Price 30  CtS. 

Boards,  cloth  back , 50  Ct8- 

Parlor  Theatricals;  or,  Winter  Eveninr/s'  Entertairmml.  A 
collection  of   Dramatic  Amascments  .ind  Comic  Plays.     Illustrated  with 

cut«  and  diagrams.     Pap'r  covers.     Price 30  CtO- 

Bound  in  boards,  cloth  back 50  CtS- 

The    Parlor    Stage.     A  coUnction   of  Drawing-Room   Pro- 

Tcrbs,  Chanides  .irui  Tabh'aux  Vivants.  ByJIi.ss  R.  A.  Frost.  These  plays 
are  intendi-d  solt'ly  for  iHTfurinance  by  a  small  party  of  friends,  in  private 
parlors,  and  rtfuiiro  but  little  trouble  or  expense  to  render  them  ctt'ectiv<'. 
S68  pagt'H,  small  octavo,  cloth,  gilt  side  and  back.     Price SI  50 

Frost's  Book  of  Tableaux.  Containing  IGO  Tableaux 
Vivantf",  witl-  directions  for  arranging  the  otage,  coRt liming  the  characters, 
»nd  forming'  ai)proiiriat<'  grwiiiw.  By  S.  Aknif.  Frost,  author  of  "The 
Parlor  Htagf,  "Ariiiiteiir  Theatricals,"  etc.  To  those  who  desin- to  get  up 
an  cvcning"«  cnt<Ttaininent,  this  Ixiok  will  prove  an  invaluable  assistant. 

Parw  covers.     Price 30  ct» 

Bonud  in  bourds,  cloth  bock 50  cU 


:^ 


Popular  Books  sent  Free  of  Postage  at  the  Prices  annexed. 

The  Slodem  Pocket  Hoyle.  Containing  all  the  Games  of 
Skill  iind  Chance,  as  pl.iyed  in  this  country  at  the  present  tim« ;  being  "Aq 
authority  on  all  disputed  jioints."  By  "Trumps."  This  valuable  manual 
u  all  original,  or  t!iorouf,'-hly  nvised  from  the  best  and  latest  authorities, 
and  includes  the  laws  and  foinplete  directions  tor  playing  on.j  hundred  and 
eleven  ditt'erent  Gann's — comprising  Card  Games,  Chess,  Clieckei-s,  Domi- 
noes, Backgammon,  Dice,  Billiards,  and  all  the  Field  Games. 

IGmo.,  388  pages,  paper  covers.    Price 50  cts. 

Boards 75  CtS, 

Cloth,  gilt  sides il  25 

Earey  and  Knowlson's  Complete  Horse-Tamer  and  Farrier. 

A  new  and  improved  edition,  containing  Mr.  Earey's  whole  Secret  of  Sub- 
duing and  Breaking  Vicious  Horses,  together  with  his  Improved  Plan  of 
Managing  Young  Colts,  and  breaking  them  to  the  Saddle,  the  Harness  and 
the  Sulkey.  Also,  The  Complete  Fariheu  ;  or,  Horse  Doctor ;  a  Guide  for 
the  Treatment  ot  Hoi-ses  in  all  Diseases  to  which  that  noble  animal  is  liable, 
being  the  result  of  fifty  jears'  extensive  practice  of  the  author,  John  C. 
Knowlson.  Illustrated  with  descriptive  Engravings. 
Bound  in  boards,  cloth  back.     Price ...  -  50  CtS. 

"  Trumps' "  American  Hoyle ;  or.  Gentleman's  Iland-Book  of 

Ga/nes.  Containing  clear  and  complete  descriptions  of  all  the  Games  played 
in  the  United  States,  with  the  American  Eules  for  playing  them.  The  wnole 
contains  525  pages,  is  printed  on  tine  white  paper,  bound  in  cloth,  with 
beveled  edges,  and  is  profusely  illustrated  with  engravings  explaining  the 
different  Games. 

Price $2  00 

Half  call',  marble  edges 4  00 

Spayth's  Draughts  cr  Checkers  for  Beginners.    Being  a 

comprehensive  Guide  for  those  who  desire  to  learn  the  Game.  This  treatise 
was  written  by  Henry  Spayth,  the  celebrated  player,  and  is  by  far  the 
most  com  plete  and  instructive  elementary  work  on  Draughts  ever  published. 
Small  octavo,  cloth.     Price 75  Cta. 

The  Game  of  Draughts  or  Checkers,  Simplified  and  Ex- 

plainf.d.  'With  Practical  Diagrams  and  Illustrations,  together  with  a 
Checker-board,  numbered  and  printed  m  red.  Containing  the  eighteen 
standard  games,  with  over  200  of  the  tiest  variations.  By  D.  Scattekgood. 
Bound  in  cloth,  with  flexible  cover.    Price 50  cts. 

Marache's  Manual  of  Chess,  Containing  Preliminary 
Games  for  Beffinners,  fifty  Oyjenings  of  Games,  giving  all  the  latest  discov- 
eries of  modem  masters,  with  best  Games  and  Copious  Notes,  Endings  of 

•     Games,  I'roblems,  Diagrams,  etc.    By  N.  Mae  ache. 

Cloth,  gilt  side.     Price 75  CtS. 

Bound  in  boards,  cloth  back 50  CtS- 

Duncan's  Masonic  Ritual  and  Monitor;  or,  Chdde  io  the 

Three  Symbolic  Deiirfrs  of  ike  Ano'ent  York  Rile.  And  to  the  Degrees  of 
Mark  !M"aster.  Past  Master,  Most  Excellent  Master,  and  the  Eoyal  Arch. 
Containing-  all  the  Dectures,  etc.    By  Malcolm  C.  Dukcan. 

Bound  in  cloth.     Price $2  50 

Leather  tucks  (pocket-book  style)  witli  colored  edges 8  00 

Richardson's  Monitor  of  Freemasonry.  A  Complete  Guide 

to  the  various  Ceremonies  and  Routine  in  Freema.sonis'  Lodges,  Chapters, 
Encampments,  Hierarchies,  etc. 

Pappr  covers.     Price 75  ctiL 

Cloth,  gat 8135 


'^  BEECHER'S 

EECITATIONS  AND  EEADING8. 

HUMOROUS,  SERIOUS,  DRAMATIC, 


TKOSE  AND  POETICAL  SELECTIONS  IN  DUTCH,  FRENCH, 
YANKEE,  IRISH,  BACKWOODS,  NEGRO, 
AND  OTHER  DIALECTS.  ^ 


EDITED  BT 


^. 


ALVAH  C.  BEECHER, 


NFW    Yr/R(v- 
DICK    &    FITZGERALD,    PUBLISHERS. 


Entered  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  tbe  year  1874,  by 

DICK    &    FITZGEKALD, 
In  the  Office  of  the  Librarian  of  Congress  at  Washington. 


co'nt-e:^t8. 


v> 


Paob. 

Miss  Malont:t  ooes  to  the  Dentist 5 

Lost  and  Found 7 

Mygel  Snydeu's  Bartv 10 

MaGDALENA  ;  OK,  THE  Si'ANISH  DUEL 12 

Jim  Wolfe  and  the  Cats 20 

The  TVoolen  Doll 22 

^    The  Charity  Dinner 26 

go-mokrow;  or,  lots  "wlfe 33 

oc    The  Wind  and  the  Moon 35 

^     DviN'  Words  of  Isaac 37 

m     Macd  Mcller  in  Dutch 38 

— »     Moses  the  Sassy;  or,  The  Disgcised  Duke 40 

The  Tarn  of  the  "Nancy  Bell." 43 

AIUddy  the  Piper 46 

^  •■Schneider  Sees  "Leah" 51 

If)    Caldwell  of  Springfield 55 

W    Artemus  Ward's  Panorama 56 

g     SOKROWFCL  TaLE  OK  A   SERVANT  GiRL 58 

How  A  Frenchman  Entertained  John  Boll 61 

TiAilONDTS   ON  DER  PkAIN 63 

King  Robert  of  Skilv 64 

^    Gloverson,  the  Mormon 69 

^>_  De  Pint  wid  Ole  Pete 74 

j^     Pat  and  the  Pig 75 

O     The  Wir)Ow  Bedott's  Letter  to  Elder  Sniffles 76 

':*     The  Cry  of  the  Children 79 

"sTHE  DuTCHJLA.V  AND  THE  SmALI^POX.  .' 83 

I'       SCULPIN 85 

J^     Rats 86 

.J     An  Lntroduction 90 

^     A  Dutchman's  Dolly  Vardbn 91 

Rock  of  Agfjj 93 

Feeding  the  Black  Fillies 94 

The  Hornet 98 

The  {ii/)vk  and  the  Lions lOO 

^I  Vant  TO  Fly 101 


45GG7i 


4  CONTENTS. 

PAOE. 

That  Doo  of  Jim  Smiley's 104 

The  Story  of  the  Faithful  Soul 105 

"My  New  Pittavatees" 108 

Mary  Ax\'s  "Wedding Ill 

Ay  IxQDiRiNG  Yankee 114 

The  Three  Bells 116 

Love  in  a  Balloon 117 

Mrs.  Brown  on  the  State  of  the  Streets 123 

Shoo  Flies 125 

Discourse  by  the  Eev.  Mr.  Bosan 126 

"Without  the  Children 127 

SiGXOR  BiLLSilETHl'S   DANCING  ACADEMY 128 

Der  Goot  Lookin  Shnow 135 

The  Celebrated  Jumping  Frog 137 

The  "Lost  Chord" 140 

The  Tale  of  a  leg 141 

That  "West-Side  Dog 147 

now  Dennis  took  the  Pledge ." 149 

The  Fisherjl\n's  Summons 150 

Badger's  Deuut  as  Hamlet 1.j2 

How  Hezekiah  Stole  the  Spoons 158 

Paddy's  Dream 160 

Victuals  and  Drink 163 

How  Jake  Schneider  went  Blind 1G3 

AuRELiAs'  Unfortunate  Toung  Man 105 

Mrs.  Brown  on  Modern  Houses '. 168 

Farm-Yard  Song 170 

Murphy's  Mystery  of  the  Pork-Babrel 171 

The  Pray'er-Seeker ■. 172 

An  Extraordinary  Phenomenon 174 

The  Case  of  Young  B.\ng8 175 

A  Mule  Ride  in  Florida 178 

Dhree  Shkadeks  180 


BEECHER'S  RECITATIONS. 


MISS  MALONEY  GOES  TO  THE  DENTIST. 

Sure,  and  did  I  tell  yez  bow  I  wint  to  the  dintist  yister- 
day  ?  Be  aisy  now,  will  yez,  and  wait  a  bit,  and  I'll  tell 
yez  all  about  it.  Says  I,  "  Ocb,  docthur,  docthur  dear,  it's 
me  tooth  that  aches  intirely,  sure  it  is,  an'  I've  a  mind  to 
have  it  drawn  out,  av  ye  plaze,  sur."  "  Does  it  hurt  ye  ?" 
says  he  till  me.  "  Och,  murther,  can  ye  ax  me  that,  now, 
an'  me  all  the  way  down  here  to  see  yez  about  it?"  says  I. 
"  Sure  I  haven't  slept  day  or  night  these  three  days.  Bo- 
dad,  haven't  I  tried  all  manes  to  quiet  the  jumpiu'  divil  ? 
Sure  didn't  they  tell  mo  to  put  raw  whiskey  intil  me  mouth, 
l)ut. would  it  stay  there,  jist  tell  me  now?  No,  the  divil  a 
bit  could  I  kape  it  up  in  my  mouth,  though  it's  far  from 
the  likes  o'  mo  to  bo  dhrinkiu'  tho  whiskey  widout  extramo 
provocation,  or  by  accidint."  So  thin  the  docthur  took 
his  iron  instrumints  in  a  hurry,  wid  as  little  consarnnient 
of  mind  as  Barney  would  swapc  tho  knives  an'  forks  from 
tlio  table. 

"Bo  aisy,  docthur,"  says  I,  "  there's  time  enough  ;  suro 
you'll  not  be  in  such  a  hurry,"  says  I,  "whin  your  time 
comes,  I'm  thinkin'."  "Och,  well,"  says  the  docthur,  "an' 
av  yez  not  ready  now,  Miss  Maloney,  yo  may  come  on  tho 


6  MISS  MALOlfET  GOES  TO  THE   DENTIST. 

morrow."  "IndadO;  doctliur;  I'll  not  stbir  from  this  sato 
widthis  ould  dead  tooth  alive  iu  me  jaw,"  says  I,  "so  ye 
may  jist  prepare  ;  but  ye  nade  not  come  slasbin'  at  a  poor 
Cbristlau  body  as  av  ye  would  wring  her  neck  off  first, 
an'  dhraw  her  tooth  at  yez  convaynience  mebbe  a  quarther 
of  an  hour  or  so  aftberward. 

Now  clap  on  yer  pinchers^  bad  luck  to  tbim,  but  mind  yo 
git  hould  av  the  right  one— sure,  ye  may  aisily  see  it  by 
the  acbin'  an'  jumpin',"  says  I.  "  Och,"  says  he,  "  I'll  git 
hould  av  the  right  one,"  an'  wid  that  he  jabs  a  small 
razor-lookin'  weapon  intil  me  mouth  an'  cuts  up  me 
gooms  as  av  it  was  nothin'  but  cowld  mate  for  hash  for 
breakfast.  Says  I,  "  Docthur,  thunder  an'  turf!"  for  me 
mouth  was  full  of  blood,  "  fwhat  in  the  divil  are  ye  afther  ? 
D'ye  want  to  make  an  anatomy  av  a  liviu'  craytbur,  ye 
grave-robber,  ye  V  says  I.  "  Sit  sthill,"  says  he,  jamming 
something  like  a  corkscrew  intil  me  jowl,  an'  twisting  the 
very  sowl  out  av  me.  Sure  I  sat  still,  bekase  the  murther- 
in'  thafe  held  me  down  wid  his  knee  and  the  gripe  av  his 
iron  in  me  lug.  If  you'll  belave  me,  the  worrest  of  all  was 
whin  he  gave  an  awful  wring,  hard  enough  to  wring  a  wet 
blankit  as  dhry  as  gunpowdher.  Arrah !  didn't  I  think 
the-judgmint  day  had  come  till  me  ?  Holy  fathers !  may 
I  niver  brathe  another  breath  if  I  didn't  see  the  red  fire 
in  the  pit !  Sure  I  felt  me  head  fly  off  me  shoulders,  an' 
lookin'  up,  saw  somethin'  monsthrous  bloody  in  the  docthur's 
wrenchin'  iron.  "Is  that  me  head  ye  have  got  thare?" 
says  I.  "  No,  it's  only  your  tooth,"  says  he.  "You  lie," 
says  I.  "God  bliss  you,"  says  he.  "Maybe  it  is  me 
tooth,"  says  I,  as  me  eyes  began  to  open,  an'  by  puttin'  me 
hand  xip,  troth  I  found  the  outside  -av  me  face  on,  tho'  I 
felt  as  if  all  the  inside  had  been  hauled  out,  barrin'  the 
jumpin'  pain  in  the  tooth,  which  had  grown  to  fill  the  gap. 

Och  !  may  the  divil  take  the  tooth,  an'  the  bad  luck  too, 
if  I  iver  think  av  it  any  more.  Sure  I've  had  enough  of  its 
company,  bad  cess  to  the  little  divil ! 


LOST  ASTD  FOTJIO). 


LOST  A2sD  FOUND. 

BEAD  BY  J.  M.  BELLEW.  bahiltok  aide 

Some  miners  were  sinking  a  shaft  in  "Wales — 
(I  know  not  where, — but  the  facts  have  fill'd 
A  chink  in  my  brain,  while  other  tales 

Have  been  swept  away,  as  when  pearls  are  spill'd, 

One  pearl  rolls  into  a  chiuk  in  the  floor ;) 

— Somewhere,  then,  where  God's  light  is  kill'd, 

And  men  tear  in  the  dark,  at  the  earth's  heart-core, 
These  men  were  at  work,  when  their  axes  knock'd 
A  hole  in  a  passage  closed  years  before. 

A  slip  in  the  earth,  I  suppose,  had  block'd 
This  gallery  suddenly  up,  with  a  heap 
Of  rubble,  as  safe  as  a  chest  is  lock'd. 

Till  these  men  pick'd  it ;  and  'gan  to  creep 
In,  on  all-fours.     Then  a  loud  shout  ran 
Round  the  black  roof — "  Here's  a  man  asleep  !" 

They  all  push'd  forward,  and  scarce  a  span 
From  the  mouth  of  the  passage,  in  sooth,  the  lamp 
Fell  on  tlie  upturu'd  face  of  a  man. 

No  taint  of  death,  no  decaying  damp 

Had  touch'd  that  fair  young  brow,  whereon 

Courage  had  set  its  glorious  wtauip. 

Calm  as  a  monarch  upon  his  throne, 
Lips  hard  clench'd,  no  shadow  of  fear 
He  sat  there  taking  his  rest,  alone. 

Ho  must  have  been  there  for  many  a  year. 
The  spirit  had  fled  ;  but  there  was  its  shrine. 
In  clothes  of  a  century  old  or  near! 

The  dry  and  ombalming  air  ftf  the  mine 
Had  arrested  the  natural  hand  of  decay, 
'Sot  faded  the  flesh,  nor  dimm'd  a  line. 


LOST  Ajm  FOUND. 

"Who  was  he,  theu  ?    iSTo  man  could  say 
"WTien  the  passage  had  suddenly  fallen  in — 
Its  memory,  even,  was  past  away ! 

In  their  great  rough  arms,  begi-imed  with  coal. 

They  took  him  up,  as  a  tender  lass 

"Will  carry  a  babe,  from  that  darksome  hole, 

To  the  outer  world  of  the  short  warm  grass. 
Then  up  spoke  one,  "  Let  us  send  for  Bess, 
She  is  seventy-nine,  come  Martinmass ; 

Older  than  any  one  here,  I  guess ! 

Belike,  she  may  mind  when  the  wall  fell  there. 

And  remember  the  chap  by  his  comeliness." 

So  they  brought  old  Bess  with  her  silver  haii-, 
To  the  side  of  the  hill,  where  the  dead  man  lay,. 
Ere  the  flesh  had  crumbled  in  outer  air. 

And  the  crowd  around  him  all  gave  way, 
As  with  tottering  steps  old  Bess  drew  nigh, 
And  bent  o'er  the  face  of  the  unchanged  clay. 

Theu  suddenly  rang  a  sharp  low  cry  !  .  .  .  . 
Bess  sank  on  her  knees,  and  wildly  toss'd 
Her  wither'd  arms  in  the  summer  sky  .... 

"  0  Willie  !  "Willie  !  my  lad  !  my  lost ! 
The  Lord  be  praised  !  after  sixty  years 
I  see  you  again  !  .  .  .  .  The  tears  you  cost, 

0  "Willie  darlin',  were  bitter  tears  !  .  .  .  . 
They  never  looked  for  ye  underground. 
They  told  me  a  tale  to  mock  my  fears  ! 

They  said  ye  were  auver  the  sea— ye'd  found 
A  lass  ye  loved  better  nor  me,  to  explain 
How  ye'd  a-vanish'd  fra  sight  and  sound  ! 

0  Darlin',  a  long,  long  life  o'  pain 

1  ha'  lived  since  then  !  .  .  .  .    And  now  I'm  old, 
'Seems  a'most  as  if  youth  were  come  back  again, 


LOST  A2ID  FOUXD. 

Seeing  ye  there  wi'  your  locks  o'  gold, 
And  limbs  as  straight  as  ashen  beams,  .... 
I  a'most  forget  how  the  years  ha'  rolled 

Between  us  !  ....  0  Willie !  how  strange  it  seems 
To  see  ye  here  as  I've  seen  ye  oft,  .... 
Auver  and  auver  again  in  di'eams !" 

In  broken  words  like  these,  with  soft 
Low  wails  she  rock'd  Jierself.    And  none 
Of  the  rough  men  around  her  scolTd. 

Tor  surely  a  sight  like  this,  the  sun 
Had  rarely  looked  upon.    Face  to  face. 
The  old  dead  love,  and  the  living  one ! 

The  dead,  with  its  undimm'd  fleshly  grace, 
At  the  end  of  threescore  years ;  the  quick, 
Pucker'd,  and  withcr'd,  without  a  trace 

Of  its  wai-m  girl-bcauty  !  A  wizard's  trick 
Bringing  the  youth  and  the  love  that  were, 
Back  to  the  eyes  of  the  old  and  sick  ! 

Those  bodies  were  just  of  one  age ;  yet  there 
Death,  clad  in  youth,  had  been  standing  still, 
While  Life  had  been  fretting  itself  threadbare  ! 

Bat  the  moment  was  come ; — (as  a  moment  will 
To  all  who  have  loved,  and  have  parted  here, 
And  have  toil'd  alone  up  the  thorny  hill ; 

When,  at  the  top,  as  their  eyes  see  clear, 

Over  the  mists  in  the  vale  below. 

Mere  specks  their  trials  and  toils  appear, 

Beside  the  eternal  rest  they  know  !) 

Death  came  to  old  Bess  that  night,  and  gave 

The  welcome  summons  that  she  should  go. 

And  now,  though  tlio  raius  and  winds  maj^  rave 
Nothing  can  part  them.     Deep  and  wide, 
The  miners  that  evening  dug  one  grave. 

And  there,  while  the  summers  and  winters  glido 
Old  Bess  and  young  "Willie  sleep  side  by  side  I 


5d  MYGEL  SNYDER'S  BARTT. 


/  MYGEL  SNYDER'S  BARTY.* 

GtTR    WILLIAMS. 

fell,  of  you'll  only  lisden,  I  vill  told  you  aboud  dot  bar- 
ty  vot  Mygel  Snyder  gife  last  week  at  bis  bouse.  Yab, 
mine  freunds,  dot  vas  a  bigb-doned  barty  und  all  de  fust- 
glass  beoples  vas  dere.  Dere  vas  Miss  Krou.se,  Misder 
Bumblestein,  Mrs.  Diuglebender  of  Baxter  street,  Mr. 
Kansmeyer,  Mr.  Gimp,  Misder  und  Mrs.  •  Lautenslauger 
of  Soudtb  Fidtb  Afenue,  und  a  goot  many  oders  wbose 
names  I  doud  forgot.  Miss  Krouse  bad  ber  bair  done  up 
in  scrambled  eggs,  und  den  sbo  vore  a  dress  of  blain  cord- 
ed bed-dick.  Mr.  Bumblestein  bad  on  a  new  segond 
band  swallow-bead  coat,  und  den  be  vore  a  vatcb-cbain 
made  oud  of  de  dail  of  de  cow  vot  kicged  de  lamp  over  in 
Sbicago.  Den  dere  vas  nice  dances  doo ;  dere  vas  Polkers, 
Valtzes,  Les  Luucbes,  Squadrilles,  und  Succatosbes.  Und 
den  afder  de  dancing  ve  blayed  some  games;  ve  blayed 
Buss  In  Sboes,  Bost  Office,  und  Grokenbagens,  und  Pliud 
Man's  Snuflf.  Und  den  afder  dot  a  young  man  got  ub  to 
make  a  sbeecb,  und  be  gommenced  py  saying, — "I  am 
here."  In  aboud  dree  minudes  be  vasn't  dere ;  be  vas 
drunk,  und  de  gommiddee  sbucked  bim  oud  of  de  segond 
sdory  vindow,  und  be  valked  rigbt  off  on  bis  ear. 

Veil,  Mrs.  Diuglebender  brougbd  ber  baby,  de  sweedest 
liddle  baby  vot  you  efer  seen,  mit  a  nose  like  a  cbesdnud, 
(veil,  de  baby  can't  belb  dot,)  und  id's  bead  vas  as  large 
as  a  foot-ball,  (veil  de  baby  can't  belb  dot,)  und  de  baby 
vas  yust  old  enougb  to  grawl  around  on  de  garpet,  und 
feed  on  dacks  und  bair-bins.  Veil,  putty  guick  rigbd 
avay  oud,  dot  baby  fell  in  de  slob-bail  und  got  cboging 
mit  a  bod-a-do-sgin. 

Id's  a  nice  ding,  dougb,  being  a  farder,  und  exbecially 
gedding  ub  of  a  cold  vinter's  nide,  mit  your  feet  on  de  oil- 
clotb,  bouring  oud  baregoric  in  a  dea-sboon  mit  der  tber- 

*By  kind  permisiiioii  of  the  author. 


MYGEL   SNYDER'S  BARTT.  11 

momeder  nioedy-uiue  degrees  pelow  de  cidy-hall  py  moou- 
lide;  (veil,  de  baby  can't  helbdot;)  id's  a  nice  ding  to 
dink  dot  a  baby  vas  goiug  to  grow  ub  und  have  "  mumbs,"' 
"measles,"  "  golera  infaudum,"  "jim-jams"  und  dings 
like  dot  to  dake  avay  a  man's  money  vot  he  has  laid  avay 
for  a  new  suit  of  glothes.  Bud  I  subboses  dot's  all  righd, 
dond  it? 

Ven  subber  vas  putty  guick  ready,  I  sot  mineself  down 
to  ead  dribe,  und  cakes,  und  onions,  und  bodadoes,  und 
pigs  feed,  und  I^Iiss  Krouse  she  ead  so  hardy  dot  she  got 
fery  sick,  und  der  doctor  sait  she  had  der  coleric.  Yes, 
Miss  Krouse  got  de  coleric.  She  vas  drying  to  ead  a 
mince-pie  mit  a  doot-prush  in  id,  und  id  didn't  agree  vit 
her. 

Bud  den  dot  subber  dable  vas  loaded  ub  mit  all  de  in- 
delicacies of  de  season.  Dere  vas  beanuts  und  red  herrings 
und  boddles  of  green-zeal  soda-vater;  und  den  Oofty 
Gooft  broughd  a  boddle  of  Vooster-sdreet  sauce,  und  den 
dere  vas  a  Cbristmas  dree  aboud  dwo  inches  high  sed  in  a 
spiddoon  in  do  middle  of  de  dablo  yust  for  noding  put 
ornamendations. 

Afder  subber  dero  vas  such  nice  singing.  Vone  young 
man  got  ub  und  singed  a  song  vot  vent  like  dis : — "  He  iiies 
drough  de  air  mit  his  mout  full  of  cheese,  he  vas  a  young 
man  vot  chewed  ub  a  drapeze," — or  somediug  like  dot 
anyhow ;  den  ve  all  joined  in  de  ghorus.  Den  dey  asged 
me  to  sing,  and  ven  I  got  ub  to  sing  de  beoblc  kepd  so 
sdill  you  could  hear  a  house  fall  down.  P  sung  dot  song 
aboud  Mary  had  a  leetlo  lamp,  ids  vool  all  over  vite — 
und  ven  I  had  sung  vone  verse,  some  fellar  hollere  loud — 
"Oh  !  give  us  a  resd."  I  dold  him  dot  I  didnt  know  de 
read  of  id;  of  I  did  I  vould  give  id  to  him,  nnd  den  he  dold 
me  to  "drob  of  mineself;"  but  I  dond  understood  Ladin, 
so  I  couldn't  make  oiid  vot  be  vas  dalking  al)oud,  bud  f 
imist  have  sung  nice,  for  vile  I  vas  singing  every  vone  vent 
oud  of  de  room.    Soon  afder  dot  I  vent  home,  bud  venevcr 


12  MAGDALENA,   OR  THE   SPANISH  DUEL. 

I  regomember  dot  vestif  night  I  alvays  say   to    mine- 
self: 

Oh  !  vot  lods  of  fun, 

Oh !  vot  lods  of  fun, 

Dancing,  singing,  all  de  dime, 

Drinking  lager-bier  und  vein  ; 

At  dot  barty  down  at  Mygel  Snyder's. 


MAGDALEN  A,   OR    THE   SPANISH  DUEL. 

BEAD  BY  J.  M.  BELLEW, 

Near  the  city  of  SeviUa, 

Yeai's  and  years  ago — 
Dwelt  a  lady  in  a  villa 

Years  and  years  ago ; — ' 
And  her  hair  was  black  as  night, 
And  her  eyes  were  starry  bright ; 
Olives  on  her  brow  were  blooming, 
Roses  red  her  lips  perfuming, 
And  her  step  was  light  and  airy 
As  the  tripping  of  a  fairy; 
WTieu  she  spoke,  you  thought,  each  minute, 
'Twas  the  thrilling  of  a  linnet ; 
"When  she  sang,  you  heard  a  gush 
Of  full- voiced  sweetness  like  a  thrush  ; 
And  she  struck  from  the  guitar 
Eiuging  music,  sweeter  far 
Thau  the  morning  breezes  make 
Through  .the  lime  trees  when  they  shake — 
Than  the  ocean  murmuring  o'er 
Pebbles  on  the  foamy  shore. 
Orphaned  both  of  sire  and  mother 

Dwelt  she  in  that  lonely  villa, 
Absent  now  her  guardian  brother 

On  a  mission  from  Sevilla. 
Skills  it  little  now  the  telling 

How  I  wooed  that  maiden  fair. 


MAGDALEXA,    OK  THE   SPANISH  DUEL.  13 

Tracked  her  to  herlonel}'  dvrelliiig 

And  obtained  au  entrauce  there. 
Ah  !  that  lady  of  the  villa  !     • 

And  I  loved  her  so, 
JTear  the  city  of  Sevilla, 
Tears  and  years  ago. 
Ay  de  mi ! — Like  echoes  falling 

Sweet  and  sad  and  low, 
Voices  come  at  night,  recalling 

Years  and  years  ago. 
Once  again  I'm  sitting  near  thee, 

Beautiful  and  bright ; 
Once  again  I  see  and  hear  thee 

In  the  autumn  night ; 
Once  again  I'm  whispering  to  thee 

Faltering  words  of  love ; 
Once  again  with  song  I  woo  thee 

In  the  orange  grove. 
Growing  near  that  lonely  villa 

Where  the  waters  flow 
Down  to  the  city  of  Sevilla— 

Years  and  years  ago. 

,    'Twas  an  autumn  eve  ;  the  splendor 

Of  the  day  was  gone, 
And  the  twilight,  soft  and  tender, 

Stole  so  gently  on 
That  the  eye  could  scarce  discover 
How  the  shadows,  spreading  over. 

Like  a  veil  of  silver  gray,  ■ 
Toned  the  golden  clouds,  sun-painted, 
Till  they  paled,  and  paled,  and  fainted 

From  the  face  of  heaven  away. 
And  a  dim  light  ri.siug  slowly 

O'er  the  welkin  spread. 
Till  the  blue  sky,  calm  and  holy. 

Gleamed  above  our  head  ; 
And  the  thin  moon,  newly  nascent. 

Shone  in  glory  meek  and  sweet, 
As  Murillo  paints  her  crescent 


14  MAGDALE2s"A,    OR  THE   SPAIJISH  DUEL. 

Underneath  Madonna's  feet. 
And  we  sat  outside  the  villa 
-  Where  the  waters  flow 
Down  to  the  city  of  Sevilla — 

Years  and  years  ago. 

There  we  sate— the  mighty  river 

Wound  its  serpent  course  along- 
Silent,  dreamy  Guadalquiver, 

Famed  in  many  a  song. 
Silver  gleaming  'mid  the  plain 
Yellow  with  the  golden  grain, 
Gliding  down  through  deep,  rich  meadows, 

Where  the  sated  cattle  rove, 
Stealing  underneath  the  shadows 

Of  the  verdant  olive  grove ; 
With  its  plenitude  of  waters, 

Ever  flowing  calm  and  slow, 
Loved  by  Andalusia's  daughters. 

Sung  by  poets  long  ago. 

Seated  half  within  a  bower 

Where  the  languid  evening  breeze 
Shook  out  odors  in  a  shower 
From  oranges  and  citron  trees, 

Sang  she  from  a  romancero, 

How  a  Moorish  chieftain  bold 

Fought  a  Spanish  caballero 
By  Sevilla's  walls  of  old. 

How  they  battled  for  a  lady, 

Fairest  of  the  maids  of  Spain — 
How  the  Christian's  lance,  so  steady. 

Pierced  the  Moslem  through  the  brain. 
Then  she  ceased — her  black  eyes  moving, 
Flashed,  as  asked  she  with  a  smile, — 
"  Say,  are  maids  as  fair  and  loving — 
Men  as  faithful,  in  your  isle  ?" ' 
"British  maids,"  I  said,  " are  ever 
Counted  fairest  of  the  fair ; 


MAGDAT.KN'A,   OK  THE   SPAA'ISH  DUEL.  15 

Like  the  s-waus  on  yonder  river 
Moving  with  a  stately'  air. 

"  Wooed  not  quickly,  Tvon  not  lightly- 
But,  when  won,  forever  true ; 
Trial  draws  the  bond  mure  tightly, 
Time  can  ne'er  the  knot  undo. 

"  And  the  men  ?" — "  Ah !  dearest  lady. 
Are — quien  sabe  ?  who  can  say  1 
To  make  love  they're  ever  ready. 

When  they  can  and  where  they  may  ; 

"  Fixed  as  waves,  as  breezes  steady 
In  a  changeful  April  day — 
Como  brisas,  como  rios, 
Ifo  se  sabe,  sabe  Dios." 

"Are  they  faithful ?"—"  Ah!  quicn  sal)e  ? 
*Who  can  answer  that  they  are  ? 
TThile  we  may  we  should  be  happy." — 

Then  I  took  up  her  guitar. 
And  I  sang  in  sportive  strain, 
This  song  to  an  old  air  of  Spain. 

"QuiEN  Sabe." 


"The  breeze  of  the  evening  that  rof)ls  the  hot  air, 
That  kisses  the  orange  and  shakes  out  thy  hair, 
Is  its  freshness  less  welcome,  less  sweet  its  perfume, 
That  you  know  not  the  region  from  which  it  is  come' 
TThence  the  wind  blows,  where  the  wind  goes, 
Hither  and  thither  and  whither— who  knows  ? 

"Who  knows? 
Ilithcr  and  thither— but  whither— who  knows  T 

II. 

"  The  river  forever  glides  singing  along, 
The  roHO  on  the  bank  bends  a'down  to  its  song ; 
And  file  flower,  as  it  listens,  unconsciously  dips. 
Till  the  rising  wave  glistens  and  ki.s.ses  its  lip.'<. 


10  MAGDALE^'A,   OR  THE   SPANISH   DUEL. 

But  why  the  -n-ave  rises  and  kisses  the  rose, 

And  why  the  rose  stoops  for  those  kisses— who  knows  ? 

Who  knows  ? 
And  away  flows  the  river— but  whither— who  knows  ? 

m. 

"Let  me  be  the  breeze,  love,  that  wanders  along 
The  river  that  ever  rejoices  in  song ; 
Be  thou  to  my  fancy  the  orange  in  bloom. 
The  rose  by  the  river  that  gives  its  perfume. 
"Would  the  fruit  be  so  golden,  so  fragrant  the  rose, 
If  no  breeze  and  no  wave  were  to  Idss  them  ? 

Who  knows  ? 

Who  knows  ? 
If  no  breeze  and  no  wave  were  to  kiss  them  ? 

Who  knows  ?" 

As  I  sang,  the  lady  listened, 

Silent  save  one  gentle  sigh  : 
When  I  ceased,  a  tear-drop  glistened 

On  the  dark  fringe  of  her  eye. 

Then  my  heart  reproved  the  feeling 
Of  that  false  and  heartless  strain 

Which  I  sang  in  words  concealing 
What  my  heart  would  hide  in  vain. 

Up  I  sprang.    What  words  were  uttered 
Bootless  now  to  think  or  tell — 

Tongues  speak  wild  when  hearts  are  fluttered 
By  the  mighty  master  spell. 

Love,  avowed  with  sudden  boldness, 
Heard  with  flushings  that  reveal. 

Spite  of  woman's  studied  coldness. 

Thoughts  the  heart  cannot  conceal. 

Words  half-vague  and  passion-broken. 

Meaningless,  yet  moaning  all 
That  the  lips  have  left  unspoken, 

That  we  never  may  recall. 


MAGDALENA,    OR  THE   SPANISH  DUEL.  17 

"Magdalena,  dearest,  hear  me," 

Sighed  I,  as  I  seized  her  hand — 

"Hola!  Senor,"  very  near  me, 

Cries  a  voice  of  stern  command. 

And  a  stalwart  caballero 

Comes  upon  mo  with  a  stride. 
On  his  head  a  slouched  sombrero, 

A  toledo  by  his  side. 

From  his  breast  he  flung  his  capa 
"With  a  stately  Spanish  air— 
[On  the  whole,  he  looked  the  chap  a 

Man  to  slight  would  scarcely  dare.] 

"  "Will  your  worship  have  the  goodness 
To  release  that  lady's  hand  ?"— 

«'Senor,"  I  replied,  "this  rudeness 
I  am  not  prepared  to  stand. 

"Magdalena,  say  "—the  maiden, 
"With  a  cry  of  wild  surprise, 
As  with  secret  sorrow  laden. 

Fainting  sank  before  my  eyes. 

Then  the  Spanish  caballero 

Bowed  with  haughty  courtesy, 
Solemn  as  a  tragic  hero, 

And  announced  himself  to  me. 

"  Senor,  I  am  Don  Camillo 
Guzman  Miguel  Pedrillo 
Do  Xymcnes  y  Ribcra 

Y  Santallos  y  ITcrrera 

Y  de  Rivas  y  Mendoza 

Y  Quintana  y  do  Rosa 

Y  Zorilla  y' — "  No  more,  sir, 
"  'Tis  as  gf)od  as  twenty  score,  sir," 

Said  I  to  him,  with  a  frown  ; 
"  Mucha  bulla  para  nada, 
No  palabras,  draw  your  V])ada  • 
If  you're  up  for  a  duelo 


18  MAGDALENA,   OR  THE  SPANISH  DUEL. 

Ton  will  find  I'm  just  jour  fellow — 
Senor,  I  am  Petee  Brown  !" 

By  the  river's  bank  that  night, 

Foot  to  foot  in  strife, 
Fought  we  in  the  dubious  light 

A  fight  of  death  or  life. 
Don  Camillo  slashed  my  shoulder, 
With  the  pain  I  grew  the  boldei", 

Close,  and  closer  still  I  pressed ; 
Fortune  favored  me  at  last, 
I  broke  his  guard,  my  weapon  passed 

Through  the  caballero's  breast — ■ 
Down  to  the  earth  went  Don  Camillo 
Guzman  Miguel  Pedrillo 
De  Ximeues  y  Eibera 
T  Santallos  y  Herrera 
T  de  Rivas  y  Mendoza 

Y  Quintana  y  de  Rosa 
T  Zorilla  y — One  groan. 

And  he  lay  motionless  as  Stone. 
The  man  of  many  names  went  down, 
Pierced  by  the  sword  of  Peter  Brown  ! 

Kneeling  down,  I  raised  his  head  ; 
The  caballero  faintly  said, 
"  Signor  Ingles,  fl^-  from  Spain 
With  all  speed,  fur  you  have  slain 
A  Spanish  noble,  Don  Camillo 
Guzman  Miguel  Pediillo 
De  Ximenes  y  Ribera 
T  Santallos  y  Herrera 
T  de  Rivas  y  Mendoza 
T  Quintana  y  de  Rosa 

Y  Zorilla  y" — He  swooned 

With  the  bleeding  from  his  wound. 
If  he  be  living  still,  or  dead, 

I  never  knew,  I  ne'er  shall  know. 
That  night  from  Spain  in  haste  I  fled, 

Years  and  years  ago. 


MAGDALEN  A,   OR  THE  SPANISH  DUEL.  19 

Oft  -when  autumn  eve  is  closing, 

Pensive,  puffing  a  cigar, 
In  ray  chamber  lone  reposing, 
Musing  half,  and  half  a-dozing, 

Comes  a  vision  from  afar 
Of  that  lady  of  the  villa 
In  her  satin,  fringed  mantilla, 
And  that  haughty  caballero 
"With  his  capa  and  sombrero. 
Vainly  in  m}'  mind  revolving 

That  long,  jointed,  endless  name ; — 
"Tis  a  riddle  past  my  solving, 

"WTio  lie  Tvas,  or  -whence  he  came. 
"Was  he  that  brother  home  returned  ? 
TTas  ho  some  former  lover  spmiiod  ? 
Or  some  family  ^rt«ce' 
That  the  lady  did  not  fancy  ? 
"Was  he  any  one  of  those? 
Sabe  Dios.     Ah  !  God  knows. 

Sadly  smoking  my  manilla, 

Much  I  long  to  know 
How  fares  the  lady  of  the  villa 

That  once  charmed  me  so, 
"When  I  visited  Sevilla 

Years  and  years  ago. 
Has  she  mamed  a  Hidalgo? 
Gone  the  way  that  ladies  all  go 
In  those  drowsy  Spanish  cities, 
"Wasting  life — a  thousand  pities — 
"Waking  up  for  a  fiesta 
From  an  aftenioou  siesta, 
To  "  Giralda  "  now  repairing, 
Or  the  Plaza  for  an  airing; 
At  the  shaded  rrja  flirting, 
At  a  Ijull-fight  now  disporting; 
Does  slio  walk  at  evenings  ever 
Through  the  gardens  by  tlic  river? 
Gnnrded  by  an  old  duenna 
Fierce  and  sharp  as  a  hyeua, 


20  JIM   WOLFE   AND  THE   CATS. 

"With  her  goggles  and  her  fan 
"Warning  off  each  rakish  man  ? 
Is  she  dead,  or  is  she  Hving? 
Is  she  for  my  absence  grieving  ? 
Is  she  wretched,  is  she  happy  ? 
Widow,  wife,  or  maid  ?     Qaien  sabc  ', 


JIM  WOLFE  AND  THE  CATS. 

Wc  was  all  boys,  then,  an'  didn't  care  for  nothin'  only 
heow  to  shirk  school,  an'  keep  up  a  rovivin'  state  o'  devil- 
ment all  the  time.  This  yah  Jim  Wolfe  I  was"talkin'  about, 
was  the  prentice,  an'  he  was  the  best  hearted  feller,  he  was, 
an'  the  most  forgivin'  and  onselfish,  I  ever  see — well,  there 
couldn't  bo  a  more  buUier  boy  than  what  Jim  was,  take 
him  heow  you  would ;  and  sorry  enough  I  was  when  I  see 
him  for  the  last  time. 

Me  an'  Henry  was  allers  pesterin'  him,  an'  plasterin  boss 
bills  on  his  back  an'  puttin'  bumble-bees  in  his  bed,  and 
so  on,  an' sometimes  we'd  jistcreowd  in  an' bunk  with  him, 
not'standin'  his  growhn,'  and  then  we'd  let  on  to  git  mad 
an'  fight  acrost  him,  so  as  to  keep  him  stirred  up  like.  Ho 
was  nineteen,  he  was,  an'  long,  an'  lank,  an'  bashful,  an' 
we  was  fifteen  an'  sixteen,  an'  pretty  tolerabul  lazy  an' 
wuthless. 

So,  that  night,  you  know,  that  ray  sister  Mary  gin  tho 
candy  pulliu',  they  started  us  off  to  bed  airly,  so  as  the 
comp'uy  could  have  full  swing,  and  we  rung  in  on  Jim  tew 
have  some  fun. 

Wall,  our  winder  looked  out  enter  the  ruff  of  the  ell,  an' 
about  ten  o'clock  a  couple  of  old  torn  cats  got  to  rairin'  an' 
chargin'  reound  on  it,  an'  carryin'  on  jist  like  sin. 

There  was  four  inches  o'  snow  on  the  ruff,  and  it  froze  so 
that  there  was  a  right  smart  crust  of  ice  on  it,  an' the  moon 


Jlil  WOLFE  A2sT)  THE  CATS.  21 

was  shinin'  bright,  an'  vre  could  see  them  cats  jist  like  day- 
light. 

Fust  they'd  stand  off,  e-yow-yow-yow,  jist  the  same  as 
if  they  was  a  cussin'  one  another,  you  know,  an'  bow  up 
their  backs,  an'  bush  up  their  tails,  an'  swell  around,  an' 
spit,  an'  then  all  of  a  suddin  the  gray  cat  he'd  snatch  a 
handful  of  fur  off  the  yaller  cat's  back,  an'  spin  him  around 
jist  hke  a  button  on  a  barn  door.  But  the  yaller  cat  was 
game,  and  he'd  come  an'  clinch,  an'  the  way  they'd  gouge, 
an'  bite,  an'  howl,  and  the  way  they'd  make  the  fur  fly, 
was  peowerful. 

Wall,  Jim  he  jist  got  disgusted  with  the  row,  and  'lowed 
he'd  climb  out  there,  an'  shake  'm  off'n  that  ruff.  He 
hadn't  reely  no  notion  o'  doiu'  it,  likely,  but  we  everlast- 
ingly dogged  him,  an'  bullyragged  him,  an'  lowed  he'd 
allers  bragged  heow  he  wouldn't  take  a  dare,  an',  so  on,  till 
bimeby  he  jist  histed  the  winder,  an'  lo  and  behold  you  ! 
he  went — went  exactly  as  he  was — nothin'  on  but  his  shirt. 
You  ought  to  a  seen  him  !  You  ought  to  seen  him  creepin' 
over  that  ice,  an'  diggin'  his  toe  nails  an'  finger  nails  in, 
fur  tew  keep  him  from  slippiu' ;  and,  'bove  all,  you  ought  to 
seen  that  shirt  a  flappin'  in  tlie  wind,  and  them  long  ridick- 
lous  shanks  of  his'n  a  glistenin'  in  the  moonlight. 

Tlioni  comf)'ny  folks  was  down  there  under  the  eaves, 
an'  the  whole  squad  of  'em  under  that  ornery  shed  o'  dead 
Wash'ton  Bower  vines — all  sctt'n  reound  two  dozzcn  sas- 
serso'  bilin  hot  candy,  which  they'd  sot  in  the  snow  to  cool. 
And  they  was  laughin'  an'  talkin'  lively;  but,  bless  you, 
they  didn't  know  nothin'  'bout  the  panorammy  that  was 
goin'  on  over  their  heads. 

Wall,  Jim,  he  jist  went  a  snoakin'  an'  a  sneakin'  up  un- 
beknowns  to  them  tom-cats — they  was  aswishin'  their 
tails,  and  yow-yowin'  an'  thrcatnin' to  clinch,  you  know, 
an'  not  payin'  any  attention — he  went  a  sneakin'  an'  a  sneak- 
in' right  up  to  the  comb  of  the  ruff,  till  ho  got  in  a  foot  an' 
a  half  of  'cm,  an'  thou  all  of  a  suddin  he  made  a  grab  fur  tho 


22  THK   WOOLEX  DOLL. 

yaller  cat  I  But,  by  gosli,  he  missed  fice,  an'  slipped  his 
holt,  an'  his  heels  flew  up,  an'  he  flopped  on  his  back,  and 
shot  ofl'u  that  ruff  jist  like  a  dart ! — went  a  smashin'  and  a 
crashin  deown  thro'  them  old  rusty  vines,  an'  landid  right 
in  the  dead  centre  of  all  them  comp'ny  people  ! — sot  deown 
jist  like  a  yearthquake  in  them  two  dozzen  sassers  of  red- 
hot  candy,  and  let  off  a  howl  that  was  hark  from  the  tomb ! 
Them  gals— wall,  they  left,  you  know.  They  see  he  warn't 
dressed  for  comp'ny,  an'  so  they  left — vamoosed.  All  done 
in  a  second;  it  was  jist  one  little  war-whoop  and  a  whish 
of  their  dresses,  and  blame  the  one  of  'em  was  in  sight 
anywhere ! 

Jim,  he  war  in  sight.  He  war  gormed  with  the  biUn' 
hot  molasses  candy  clean  deown  to  his  heels,  an'  more 
busted-sassers  hangin'  to  him  than  if  he  was  a  Injun  prin- 
cess— an'«he  came  a  pranciu'  up  stairs  jist  a  whoopin'  an'  a 
cussiu',  an'  every  jump  he  gin  he  shed  some  sassers,  an' 
every  squirm  he  fetched  he  dripped  some  candy  !  an'  blis- 
tered !  why,  bless  your  soul,  that  pore  creetur  couldn't  reely 
set  deown  comfortable  fur  as  much  as  four  weeks. 


THE  WOOLEN  DOLL. 

A  maniac's  story.  qeoeqe  w.  hows. 

A  weary,  cowering  figure, 

nuddliug  to  the  wall, 
A  mass  of  goldeu  hair,  a  sallow  face, 

And  that  is  all ! 
A  wretched,  blank,  lost  mind,— 

"Whose  only  thought 
Rests  in  the  foolish  toy 

The  poor,  thin  hands  have  wrought. 

A  simple  woolen  doll. 

Clasped  to  her  lonely  breast, 
Gazed  wildly  on  at  times, 

Then  closer  pressed. 


THE   "WOOLEN   DOLL.  23 

The  others  sneeringly  pass  b}' 

"\\'hile  here  aud  there 
Stops  one  more  curious, 

To  banter  or  to  stare. 

"  Father  is  coming,  darling, — 

There, — don't  cry  ; 
He  won't  be  gone  for  long, 

He'll  come  by  and  by. 
You  know  he's  gone  away,  my  sweet, 

To  be  a  sailor  ou  the  sea ; 
Gone  far  away,  my  pet,  with  words 

Of  love  for  you  and  me. 

They  tell  me  he  is  dead,  my  dear ; 

But  never  mind. 
He  wouldn't  go  up  there  and  leave 

Us  here  behind. 
He  told  us,  darling,  when  he  went. 

Ho  would  come  back  again ; 
Aud  he  would  never  break  his  word, 

The  truest,  best  of  men. 

Ah,  sir !  I  see  you're  smiling, 

And,  with  alarm. 
Draws  back  the  sweet  lady 

Hanging  on  your  arm — 
Miss,  I  was  handsome  once. 

But  all  this  woe, 
This  raiser}^,  and  grief,  and  shame. 

Have  brought  me  low. 

Look  at  me  with  tliose  large  blue  eyes, 

That  tell  of  love,— 
Such  e^'cs  as  sometimes  beam  on  mo 

From  heaven  above. 
I  know  your  lieart  is  good  as  is  your  face. 

And  I  will  tell 
To  you  the  sad,  sad  story. 

They  all  know  so  well. 


24  THE   WOOLEN  DOLL. 

Father  was  stem,  and  cold,  and  proud. 

And  "wheu  James  said— 
'  Let  Eose,  sir,  be  my  wife, 

I  love  the  maid,' — 
He  laughed  at  him,  and,  with  a  sneer. 

Sent  him  away — 
God  grant,  ma'am,  you  may  never  know 
The  sorrows  of  that  day. 

I  loved  him  with  a  girl's  first  love,  ■ 

And,  when  he  came 
"With  father's  surly  message. 

Full  of  shame, 
I  cheered  him  as  I  best  knew  how. 

Gave  him  my  hand. 
Promised,  through  life,  with  him 

Alone  I'd  stand. 

It  was  in  the  winter,  sir, 

"When  all  was  dead. 
And  snow  was  on  the  ground. 

That  we  two  fled. 
A  good,  kind  parson  married  us. 

Dear  soul ! 
I  often,  often  think  of  him 

In  this  dark  hole. 

Then  came  trouble — no  work,  no  bread  ; 

And  one  October  mom, 
"When  all  was  dark  and  drear. 

The  child  was  bom. 
See,  he's  a  pretty  boy,  sweet  pet, 

"With  just  his  father's  face ; 
But,  oh  !  the  good  God  grant, 

"Without  poor  James'  disgrace. 

Things  went  from  bad  to  worse — 

He  took  to  drink, 
To  gambling,  robbery,  and  shame — 

I  cannot  think — 
Oh,  no — he  was  mad  then,  I  feel 

His  was  too  good  a  heart 


THE   WOOLEN  DOLL.  25 

To  do  aught  ever  that  -n-ould 

Make  mine  smart. 
It  came  at  last — the  bitter  hour— 

Hot  words,  a  blow — 
He  beat  me  cruelly — 

So,  darling,  so — 
And  then  we  parted,  and  he  went 

Off  on  the  sea, 
Leaving  the  dark,  blank  world 

To  baby  here,  and  me. 

'  Heard  from  him  since  V  you  ask, 

No,  ma'am,  never. 
Yet  baby  here  and  I 

"Were  waiting  evei" — 
"Waiting  to  hear  his  voice  onco  more. 

To  see  his  face. 
To  welcome  him  home  again 

"With  a  long,  last  embrace. 

Oh,  ma'am,  'tis  sad  to  sit  here, 

Far  awaj'  from  homo, 
Waiting  for  one  perhaps 

"Will  never  come. 
They  tell  me  he  is  dead,  these  people, 

Then  they  smile ; 
"While  I  can  only  hope,  and  clasp 

My  child  the  wliilo. 

Father  is  dead,  long  since,  they  say, 

Died  of  a  broken  heart ; 
Cut  from  the  wretched  tragedy 

In  which  he  played  a  part. 
Look,  look  !  see  how  the  baby  smiles  ! 

Give  him  a  penny,  do  ; 
God  grant,  ma'am,  ail  such  misery 

May  never  como  to  you." 

Out  in  the  sparkling  sunshine, 

In  the  merry  autumn  air, 
"Wh(!rn  the  breeze,  in  gaily  ijassing. 

Kissed  a  cheek  most  fair — 


26  THE   CHARITY  DIiraER. 

Within,  four  dark  and  diugy  vralls, 
Tliat  sigh  with  every  breath 

Of  the  mother,  with  her  woolen  doll, 
Dying  a  living  death. 


THE   CHARITY    DINNER. 

READ  BY  J.  M.  BELLEW.  Litchfield  moselt. 

Time :  half-past  six  o'clock.  Place  :  The  London  Tav- 
ern. Occasion :  Fifteenth  Annual  Festival  of  the  Society 
for  the  Distribution  of  Blankets  and  Top-Boots  among  the 
Natives  of  the  Cannibal  Islands. 

On  entering  the  room,  we  find  more  than  two  hundred 
noblemen  and  gentlemen  akeady  assembled ;  and  the  num- 
ber is  increasing  every  minute.  The  preparations  are  now- 
complete,  and  we  are  in  readiness  to  receive  the  chairman. 
After  a  short  pause,  a  little  door  at  the  end  of  the  room 
opens,  and  the  great  man  appears,  attended  by  an  admir- 
ing circle  of  stewards  and  toadies,  carrying  white  wands 
like  a  parcel  of  charity-school  boys  bent  on  beating  the 
bounds.  He  advances  smilingly  to  his  post  at  the  prin- 
cipal table,  amid  deafening  and  long-continued  cheers. 

The  dinner  now  makes  its  appearance,  and  we  yield  up 
ourselves  to  the  enjoyments  of  eating  and  drinking.  These 
important  duties  finished,  and  grace  h'avmg  been  beau- 
tifully sung  by  the  vocalists,  the  real  business  of  the  eve- 
ning commences.  The  usual  loyal  toasts  having  been 
given,  the  noble  chairman  rises,  and,  after  passing  his  fin- 
gers through  his  hair,  he  places  his  thumbs  in  the  arm- 
holes  of  his  waistcoat,  gives  a  short  preparatory  cough, 
accompanied  by  a  vacant  stare  round  the  room,  and  com- 
mences as  follows  :^ 

"My  Lords  axd  GEXTLEiTEif :— It  is  with  feelmgs  of 
mingled  pleasure  and  regret  that  I  appear  before  you  this 
evening :  of  pleasure,  to  find  that  this  excellent  and  world- 


THE   CHAKITT   DIXST:R.  27 

wide-known  society  is  in  so  promising  a  condition ;  and  of 
regret,  that  you  have  not  chosen  a  worthier  chairman ;  in 
fact,  one  who  is  more  capable  than  myself  of  dealing  with 
a  subject  of  such  vital  importance  as  this.  (Loud  cheers.) 
But,  although  I  may  be  unworthy  of  the  honor,  I  am 
proud  to  state  that  I  have  been  a  subscriber  to  this  society 
from  its  commencement;  feeling  sure  that  nothing  can 
tend  more  to  the  advancement  of  civilization,  social  re- 
form, fireside  comfort,  and  domestic  economy  among  the 
Cannibals,  than  the  diffusion  of  blankets  and  top-boots. 
(Tremendous  cheering,  which  lasts  for  several  minutes.) 
Here,  in  this  England  of  ours,  which  is  an  island  sur- 
rounded by  water,  as  I  suppose  you  all  know — or,  as  our 
great  poet  so  truthfully  and  beautifully  expresses  the  same 
fact,  '  England  bound  in  by  the  triumphant  sea ' — what, 
down  the  long  vista  of  years,  have  conduced  more  to  our 
successes  in  arms,  and  arts,  and  song,  than  blankets? 
Indeed,  1  never  gaze  upon  a  blanket  without  my  thoughts 
reverting  fondly  to  the  days  of  my  early  childhood. 
Where  should  wo  all  have  been  now  but  for  those  warm 
and  fleecy  coverings  ?  My  Lords  and  Gentlemen  !  Our 
first  and  tender  memories  arc  all  associated  with  blankets : 
blankets  when  in  our  nurses'  arms,  blankets  in  our  cradles, 
blankets  in  our  cribs,  blankets  to  our  French  bedsteads  in 
our  school-days,  and  blankets  to  our  marital  four-posters 
now.  Therefore,  I  say,  it  becomes  our  bounden  duty  as 
men— and,  with  feelings  of  pride,  I  add,  as  Englishmen— 
to  initiate  the  untutored  savage,  the  wild  and  somewhat 
uncultivated  denizen  of  the  prairie,  into  the  comfort  and 
warmth  of  blankets;  and  to  supply  hhn,  as  far  as  practi- 
cable, with  those  reasonable,  seasonable,  luxurious,  and 
useful  appendages.  At  such  a  moment  as  this,  the  lines  of 
another  poet  strike  familiarly  upon  the  car.  Let  mo  see, 
they  are  something  like  this — ah — ah — 

"  Blankets  huvo  charms  to  soothe  the  savage  breast, 
And  to — to  do — a — " 


28  THE  CHAKITY  DIXNEB. 

I  forget  the   rest.     (Loud  cheers.)    Do    we  grudge  our 
money  for   such  a  purpose  f    I  answer,  fearlessly,    No  ' 
Could  we  spend  it  better  at  home  ?    1  reply,  most  emphat- 
ically, No  !    True,  it  may  be  said  that  there  are  thousands 
of  our  own  people  who  at   this  moment  are  wandering 
about  the  streets  of  this  great  metropolis  without  food  to 
eat  or  rags  to  cover  them.     But  what  have  we  to  do  with 
them  ?    Our  thoughts,  our  feelings,    and  our  sympathies 
are  all  wafted  on  the  wings  of  charity  to  the  dear  and  in- 
teresting Cannibals  in  the  far-off  islands  of  the  great  Pa- 
cific Ocean.     (Hear,  hear.)     Besides,  have   not  our  own 
poor  the  workhouses  to  go  to ;  the  luxurious  straw  of  the 
casual  wards  to  repose  upon,  if  they  please ;  the  mutton 
broth  to  bathe   in;    and    the  ever   toothsome,  although 
somewhat  scanty  allowance  of  "  toke  "  provided  for  them ! 
If  people  choose  to  be  poor,  is  it  our  business?    And  let  it 
ever  be  remembered  that  our  own  people  are  not  savages 
and  man-eaters;  and,  therefore,  our  philanthropy  would 
be  wasted  upon  them.      (Overwhelming  applause.)     To 
return  to  our  subject.     Perhaps  some  person  or  persons 
here  may  wonder  why  wo  should  not  send  out  side-springs 
and  bluchers,  as  well  as  top-boots.    To  those  I  will  say, 
that  top-boots  alone  answer  the  object  desired — namely, 
not  only  to  keep  the  feet  dry,  but  the  legs  warm,  and 
thus  to  combine  the  double  uses  of  shoes  and  stockings. 
1^  it  not  an  instance  of  the  remarkable  foresight  of  this 
society,  that  it  purposely  abstains  from  sending  out  any 
other  than  top-boots  ?    To  show  the  gratitude  of  the  Can- 
nibals, for  the  benefits  conferred  upon  them,  I  will  just 
mention  that,  within  the  last  few  weeks,   his  illustrious 
Majesty,  Hokee  Pokey  Wankey  Fum  the  First — surnamed 
by  his  loving  subjects  '  The  IMagnificent,'  from  the  fact  of 
his  wearing,  on  Sundays,  a  shirt-collar  and  an  eye-glass 
as  full  court  costume — has  forwarded  the  president  of  the 
society  a  very  handsome  present,  consisting  of  two  live 
alligators,  a  boa  constrictor,  and  three  pots  of  preserved 


'  THE   CnATvITT   DrNTfER  29' 

Indian,  to  be  eaten  with  toast ;  and  I  am  told,  by  com- 
petent judges,  that  it  is  quite  equal  to  Russian  caviare. 

"  My  Lords  and  Gentlemen — I  will  not  trespass  on  your 
patience  by  making  any  further  remarks ;  knowing  how 
incompetent  I  am — no,  no  !  I  don't  mean  that — knowing 
how  incompetent  you  all  are — no!  I  don't  mean  that 
either — but  you  all  know  what  I  mean.  Like  the  ancienl; 
Roman  lawgiver,  I  am  in  a  pecuUar  position  ;  for  the  fact 
is,  I  cannot  sit  down — I  mean  to  say,  that  I  cannot  sit 
down  without  saying  that,  if  there  ever  tvas  an  institution, 
it  is  this  institution;  and,  therefore,  I  beg  to  propose, 
'  Prosperity  to  the  Society  for  the  Distribution  of  Blankets 
and  Top-Boots  among  the  Natives  of  the  Cannibal  Islands." 

The  toast  having  been  cordially  responded  to,  his  lord- 
ship calls  upon  Mr.  Duffer,  the  secretary,  to  read  the  re- 
port. Whereupon  that  gentleman,  who  is  of  a  bland  and 
oily  temperament,  and  whose  eyes  are  concealed  by  a 
pair  of  green  spectacles,  produces  the  necessary  document, 
and  reads  in  the  orthodox  manner — 

"  Thirtieth  Half-yearly  Report  of  the  Society  for  the  Dis- 
tribution of  Blankets  and  Top-Boots  to  the  Natives  of  tho 
Cannibal  Islands. 

"Tho  society  having  now  reached  its  fifteenth  anni- 
versary, the  committee  of  management  beg  to  congratulate 
their  friends  and  subscribers  on  the  success  that  has  been 
attained. 

"  When  the  Society  first  commenced  its  labors,  the  gen- 
erous and  noble-minded  natives  of  tho  islands,  together 
with  their  King — a  chief  whoso  name  is  well  known  in  con- 
nection with  one  of  tho  most  sterling  and  heroic  ballads  of 
this  country — attired  themselves  in  the  light  but  somewhat 
insufiicient  costunio  of  their  tribe — viz.,  little  before, 
nothing  behind,  and  no  sleeves,  with  tlio  occasional  addi- 
tion of  a  pair  of  spectacles  ;  but  now,  thanks  to  this  use- 
ful a.ssociation,  the  upper  classes  of  the  Cannibals  seldom 
appear  in  public  without  their  bodies  being  enveloped  in 
blankcLs,  and  their  feet  uncased  in  lnp-1)Onts. 


30  THE   CHAKITY   Dr^HS'BR. 

"When  the  latter  useful  articles  were  first  introduced 
into  the  islands,  the  society's  agents  had  a  vast  amount  of 
trouble  to  prevail  upon  the  natives  to  apply  them  to  their 
proper  purpose;  and,  in  their  work  of  civilization,  no  less 
than  twenty  of  its  representatives  were  massacred,  roasted, 
and  eaten.  But  we  persevered;  we  overcame  the  natural 
antipathy  of  the  Cannibals  to  wear  any  covering  to  their 
feet;  until,  after  a  time,  the  natives  discovered  the  warmth 
and  utility  of  boots ;  and  now  they  can  scarcely  be  in- 
duced to  remove  them  until  they  fall  off  through  old  age. 

'^  During  the  past  half-year,  the  society  has  distributed 
no  less  than  71  blankets  and  ] 28  pairs  of  top-boots;  and 
your  committee,  therefore,  feel  convinced  that  they  will 
not  be  accused  of  inaction.  But  a  great  work  is  still  be- 
fore them ;  and  they  earnestly  invite  co-operation,  in  order 
that  they  may  be  enabled  to  supply  the  whole  of  the  Can- 
nibals with  these  comfortable,  nutritious  and  savory  ar- 
ticles. 

"As  the  balance  sheet  is  rather  a  lengthy  document,  I 
will  merely  quote  a  few  of  the  figures  for  your  satisfaction. 
We  have  received,  during  the  last  half-year,  in  subscrip- 
tions, donations,  and  legacies,  the  sum  of  5,403Z.  6s.  S^d. 
We  have  disbursed  for  advertising,  &c.,  222Z.  6s.  2d. 
Kent,  rates,  and  taxes,  305Z.  10s.  Old.  Seventy-one  pairs 
of  blankets,  at  20s.  per  pair,  have  taken  711.  exactly;  and 
128  pairs  of  top-boots,  at  21s.  per  pair,  cost  us  ISAl.  some 
odd  shilUngs.  The  salaries  and  expenses  of  management 
amount  to  1,307^.  4s.  2id. ;  and  sundries,  which  include 
committee  meetings  and  traveling  expenses,  have  absorbed 
the  remainder  of  the  sum,  and  amount  to  3268Z.  9s.  Ifd. 
So  that  we  have  expended  on  the  dear  and  interesting 
Cannibals  the  sum  of  205?.  and  the  remainder  of  the  sum — ■ 
amounting  to  5J19S/. — has  been  devoted  to  the  working  ex- 
penses of  the  society." 

The  reading  concluded,  the  secretary  resumes  his  seat, 
amid  hearty  applause,  which  continues  until  Mr.  Alderman 


THE  CHAKITY  DDTNEK.  31 

Gobbleton  rises,  and,  in  a  somewhat  lengthy  and  discur- 
sive speech — in  which  the  phrases,"  the  Corporation  of  the 
City  of  London,-'  "suit  and  service,"  "ancient  guild," 
"Uberties  and  privileges,"  and  "  Court  of  Common  Coun- 
cil," figure  frequently,  states  that  he  agrees  with  every- 
thing the  noble  chairman  has  said ;  and  has,  moreover, 
never  listened  to  a  more  comprehensive  and  exhaustive 
document  than  the  one  just  read  ;  which  is  calculated  to 
satisfy  even  the  most  obtuse  and  hard-headed  of  individ- 
uals. 

Gobbleton  is  a  great  man  in  the  city.  He  has  either  been 
lord  mayor,  or  sheriff,  or  something  of  the  sort ;  and,  as 
a  few  words  of  his  go  a  long  way  with  his  friends  and  ad- 
mirers, his  remarks  are  very  favorably  received. 

"  Clever  man,  Gobbleton !"  says  a  common  councilman, 
sitting  near  us,  to  his  neighbor,  a  languid  swell  of  the 
period. 

"Ya-as,  vewy  !  Wemarkablo  style  of  owatowy — 
gwcat  fluency,"  replies  the  other. 

But  attention,  if  you  please  ! — for  M.  Hector  de  Longue- 
beau,  the  great  French  writer,  is  on  his  legs.  He  is  stay- 
ing in  England  for  a  short  time,  to  become  acquainted 
with  our  manners  and  customs. 

"  MiLOR.s  AND  Gextlemaxs  !"  commcnccs  the  French- 
man, elevating  his  eyebrows  and  shrugging  his  shoulders. 
"  Milors  and  Gentlcmans — You  excellent  chairman,  M.  lo 
Baron  de  ?kIount-Stuart,  he  have  say  to  me,  '  Make  de 
toast.'  Den  I  say  to  him  dat  I  have  no  toast  to  make; 
but  he  nudge  my  elbow  ver  soft,  and  say  dat  dere  is  von 
toast  dat  nobody  but  von  Frenchman  can  make  proper ; 
and,  dcrof(jre,  wid  your  kind  permission,  I  vill  make  do 
toast.  '  Do  brevcto  is  de  sole  of  do  feet,'  as  you  great 
philosopliere.  Dr.  Johnson,  do  say,  in  dat  amusing  little 
vork  of  his,  de  Pronouncing  Dictionnairo;  and,  derefore, 
I  vill  not  say  vcr  mocii  to  de  point.  Ven  I  vas  a  boy, 
about  80  moch  tall,  and  used  for  to  promenade  de  streets 


32  THE   CHARITY   DINIsER. 

of  Marseilles  et  of  Eouon,  vid  no  feet  to  i3ut  onto  my  shoe, 
I  nevare  to  bavo  expose  dat  dis  day  vould  to  have  arrive. 
I  vas  to  begin  de  vorld  as  von  gar9ou — or,  vat  you  call  in 
dis  couutrio,  von  vaitaire  in  a  cafe — vere  I  vork  ver  bard, 
vid  no  babillemens  at  all  to  put  onto  myself,  and  ver  little 
food  to  eat,  excep'  von  old  bleu  blouse  vat  vas  give  to  me 
by  de  proprietaire,  just  for  to  keep  myself  fit  to  bo  showed 
at ;  but,  tank  goodness,  tings  dey  have  change  ver  moch 
for  me  since  dat  time,  and  I  have  rose  myself,  seulement 
par  mon  Industrie  et  perseverance.  (Loud  cheers.)  Ah  ! 
raes  amis !  ven  I  bear  to  myself  de  flowing  speech,  de  ora- 
tion maguifique  of  you  Lor'  Maire,  Monsieur  Gobblcdown,  I 
feel  dat  it  is  von  great  privilege  for  von  etranger  to  sit  at 
do  same  table,  and  to  eat  de  same  food,  as  dat  grand,  dat 
majestique  man,  who  are  do  terreur  of  do  voleurs  and  de 
brigands  of  de  metropolis  ;  and  who  is  also,  I  for  to  sup- 
pose, a  halterman  and  de  chef  of  you  common  scoundrel. 
Milors  and  gentlemans,  I  feel  dat  I  can  perspire  to  no 
greatare  houneur  dan  to  be  von  common  scoundrelman 
myself ;  but,  helas  !  dat  plaisir  are  not  for  me,  as  I  are 
not  freeman  of  your  great  cite,  not  von  liveryman  servant 
of  von  of  you  compagnies  joint-stock.  But  I  must  not  for- 
get de  toast.  Milors  and  Gentlemans !  De  immortal 
Shakispeare  he  have  write,  '  De  ting  of  beauty  are  de  joy 
for  nevermore.'  It  is  de  ladies  who  are  de  toast.  Vat  is 
more  entrancing  dan  de  charmante  smile,  de  soft  voice,  de 
vinking  eye  of  de  beautiful  lady!  It  is  de  ladies  who  do 
sweeten  de  cares  of  life.  It  is  de  ladies  who  are  de  guiding 
stars  of  our  existence.  It  is  de  ladies  who  do  cheer  but 
not  inebriate,  and,  derefore,  vid  all  homage  to  dere  sex, 
de  toast  dat  I  have  to  propose  is,  '  De  Ladies  !  God  bless 
dem  all !'  " 

And  the  little  Frenchman  sits  down  amid  a  perfect 
tempest  of  cheers. 

A  few  more  toasts  are  given,  the  list  of  subscriptions  is 
read,  a  vote  of  thanks  is  passed  to  the  noble  chairman; 


GO-MOKKO^,    OR   LOT'S   WIFE.  33 

and  the  Fifteenth  Annual  Festival  of  tbo  Society  for  the 
Distribution  of  Blankets  and  Top-Boots  among  the  Natives 
of  the  Cannibal  Islands  is  at  an  end. 


GO-MORROW,    OR   LOT'S    WIFE. 

As  I  approached  a  potid,  a  few  days  ago,  where  some 
negroes  were  cutting  ice,  I  chanced  to  hear  the  conclusion 
of  a  conversation  between  two  of  the  hands  on  the  subject 
of  religion. 

"What  do  you  know  'bout  'ligion  ?  You  don't  know 
nuthin'  'tall  'bout  'ligion." 

"  I  know  a  heap  'bout  'ligion ;  ain't  I  bin  done  road  do 
Bible  ?" 

"  What  you  read  in  de  Bililc  ?  I  say  you  can't  tell  mo 
nuthin'  what  you  read  in  de  Bible  ;"' 

"  But  I  kin,  dough  .     I  read  'bout  'Morro." 

"  What  sort-o'  Morrow — to-morrow  ?" 

"  No,  Go-Morrow." 

"  Well,  whar  lio  go,  and  what  ho  go  fur  ?" 

"  Shoh,  man  I  he  didn't  go  nowliar,  'cuz  ho  was  a  town." 

"Dar!  didn't  I  tell  you  you  didn't  know  nuthin' 'bout 
nuthin'  ?  You  read  de  Bible  !  Hoccuni  (how  come)  do 
town  name  'Moito,  and  how  de  town  gwine  to  go  any  whar? 
Town  baint  got  no  legs." 

"  Man,  you's  a  born  fool,  sho'.  De  town  named  Go- 
^Morrow,  but  doy  call  it  'Morro,  'cuz  they  didn't  have  no 
tnne  to  stay  talkin'  long  talk." 

"  Debbil  dcy  didn't !  Ef  dey  stay  dar  to-day,  why 
can't  dcy  stay  d:ir  to-morrow?    'Splain  me  dat." 

"  But  dey  all  gone,  and  do  town  too.     All  done  bu'n  ii|».'' 

"Ef  dero  ain't  no  pp])ul,  and  dere  ain't  no  town,  liow  do 
town  name 'Morro?    G'long,  nigger!     Didn't  I  know  you 


34  GO-MOEROW,    OK  LOT'S  TVITE. 

didn't  know  nutbiu'  'tall  'bout  'ligion  ?  But  (sarcastically) 
tole  me  some  mo'  what  you  read  in  de  Bible  '?" 

"  Well,  'Morro  was  a  big  town — 'bout  mighty  nigh's  big 
as  Washington  city— and  de  pepul  wat  live  dar  was  de 
meannes'  pepul  in  de  whole  worl'.  Dey  was  dat  mean  dat 
de  Lord  he  couldn't  abear  'em,  and  he  make  up  his  min' 
dat  he  gwine  bu'n  de  town  clear  up.  But  dar  was  one 
good  man  dar — member  uv  de  church,  a  p'sidin  elder — 
named  Lot." 

' '  Yaas,  I  know'd  him  !" 

"  Whar  you  know  him  ?" 

"  On  de  cauuell  (canal).  He  owned  a  batto,  and  drorit 
hisself." 

"Heist,  man!  I  talkin' sense"  now.  Den  de  Lord  he 
came  to  Lot,  and  he  say,  'Lot,  I  gwine  bu'n  dis  town. 
Ton  and  you  wife  git  up  and  gether  you'  little  alls  and  put 
out  fo'  de  crack  o'  day,  coz  I  certn'ly  gwine  bu'n  dis  town 
and  de  pepul  to-morrow.'  Den  Lot  he  and  his  wife  riz 
and  snatched  up  their  little  alls  and  traveled  soon  in  de 
mornin'.  And  de  Lord  he  tuk  two  light  'ud  (light  wood) 
knots  and  some  shaviu's,  and  he  set  fire  to  dat  ar  town  uv 
'Morro,  and  he  bu'n  it  spang  up  clear  down  to  the  groun," 

"What 'come  o'  Lot?" 

"  He  and  he  wife  dey  went  and  dey  went  and  dey  went 
t'well  pres'n'ly  he  wife  say,  '  Lord  !  ef  I  ain't  gone  and  lef 
de  meal-sifter  and  de  rollin'  pin  I  wish  I  may  die,'  and  she 
turn  round,  and — and— she  dar  now  !" 

"  What  she  doin'  now  ?" 

"  Nuthin ." 

"  Must  be  mons'us  lazy  woman." 

"No,  she  ain't.  De  Lord  he  tu'n  her  to  pillow  uv  salt, 
'cos  she  too  'quisitive." 

"  Dar  !  ev'rybody  know  'bout  sack  o'  salt ;  but  who  ever 
hear  'bout  pillow  o'  salt  ?    But  what  come  o'  Lot  ?" 

"  Lot,  he  weren't  keerin'  'tall  'bout  no  rollin'  pin  and  no 
meal-sifter,  so  he  kept  straight  'long,  'thout  turnin'  uv  he 
head  to  the  right,  neither  to  the  Jeft." 


THE    VriST)  AXD   THE   MOOX.  35 

"  And  lef  de  ole  'oman  dar  ?" 

"Tass." 

"  In  de  middle  of  de  road  V 

"  Yaas  V 

"  Must  keered  mighty  little  fur  her — want  to  git  married 
to  sec'u  wife  I  spec'.  But  de  fus  man  come  'long  and 
want  to  git  some  salt  to  bake  ash-cake,  he  gwinelo  bust  a 
piece  out'n  Lot's  wife,  and  'stroy  her  ;  and  what  you  think 
o'  dat  ?  call  dat  'ligion  ?  And  de  ole  man  lef  her  ?  and 
you  read  dat — 

Here  a  peremptory  order  from  the  foreman  to  "  go  to 
work ''  broke  short  the  conversation. 


THE  WIND  AND    THE   MOON. 

OKORfiE    MACDONALD. 

Said  the  "Wind  to  the  Moon,  "  I  will  blow  you  out. 

You  stare 

In  the  air 

Like  a  jrhost  in  a  chair, 
Always  looking  what  I  am  al)out ; 
I  hate  to  be  watched  ;  I  will  blow  you  out." 

The  "Wind  blew  hard,  and  out  went  the  Moon. 

So,  deep 

On  a  heap 

Of  clouds,  to  sleep, 
Down  lay  the  "Wind,  and  slambcred  soon — 
Muttering  low,  "  I've  done  lor  that  Moon." 

He  turned  in  his  bed  ;  she  was  there  again  I 

On  high 

In  the  sky, 

"With  her  one  ghost  eye, 
The  Moon  shone  white  and  alive  and  plain. 
Said  the  Wind — "  I  will  blow  you  out  again." 


3G  THE   WliS'B   AXD   THE   MOOX. 

The  'Wind  blew  liard,  and  the  Moon  grew  dim. 

"  With  my  sledge 

And  my  wedge 

I  have  knocked  off  her  edge ! 

If  only  I  blow  right  fierce  and  grim, 

The  creature  will  soon  be  dimmer  than  dim." 

• 

He  blew  and  he  blew,  and  she  thinned  to  a  thread. 

"One  puff 

More's  enough 

To  blow  her  to  snuff! 

One  good  puff  more  where  the  last  was  bred, 

And  glimmer,  glimmer,  glum  will  go  the  thread !" 

He  blew  a  great  blast,  and  the  thread  was  gone ; 
In  the  air 
ITowhere 
"Was  a  moonbeam  bare; 

Far  off  and  harmless  the  shy  stars  shone ; 

Sure  and  certain  the  Moon  was  gone  ! 

The  Wind  he  took  to  his  revels  once  more ; 

On  down, 

In  town. 

Like  a  merry  mad  clown, 
He  leaped  and  halloed  with  whistle  and  roar, 
What's  that  ?"    The  glimmering  thread  once  more  ! 

He  flew  in  a  rage — he  danced  and  blew; 
But  in  vain 
"Was  the  pain 
Of  his  biwsting  brain ; 
For  still  the  broader  the  Moon-scrap  grew, 
The  broader  he  swelled  his  big  cheeks  and  blew. 

Slowly  she  grew — till  she  filled  the  night, 

And  shone 

On  her  throne 

In  the  slcy  alone, 
A  matchless,  wonderfid,  silvery  light. 
Radiant  aud  lovely,  the  queen  of  the  night. 


Dl'lX    YORDS   OF   ISAAC.  37 

Said  the  Wiud — "  AVhut  a  marvel  of  power  am  I ! 

"VTith  my  breath, 

Good  faith  ! 

I  blew  her  to  death — 
First  blew  her  away  right  out  of  the  sky — 
Then  blew  her  in  ;  what  a  strength  aiu  I !" 

But  the  Moon  she  knew  nothing  about  th^aflair, 

For,  high 

In  the  sky, 

With  her  one  white  eye, 
Motionless,  miles  above  the  air. 
She  had  never  heard  the  great  "Wind  blara 


DYIN    YORDS   OF   ISAAC. 

ANONTMOUB. 

Yhen  Shicago  vas  a  leedle  villages,  dbere  lifed  dherein. 
py  dot  Clark  Sdbrect  out,  a  sbentleiiians  who  got  some 
names  like  Isaacs ;  he  geeb  a  cloting  store,  mit  goots  dot 
vit  you  yoost  der  same  like  dboy  vas  made.  Isaacs  vas  a 
goot  fellers,  und  makes  goot  pisbness  ou  bis  hause.  Yell, 
thrade  got  besser  as  der  time  be  vas  come,  und  dose  Icetle 
sbtore  vas  not  so  pig  enufflike  unudder  sbtore,  und  pooty 
gwick  he  locks  out  und  leaves  der  pblace. 

Now  Yacob  Scbloflrenheimer  vas  a  shmard  feller,  und  bo 
dinks  of  he  dock  der  olt  sbtoro  he  got  good  pisbness  und 
dose  olt  coostomors  von  Isaac  out.  Von  tay  dbere  comes 
a  sbentlemans  on  bis  store,  und  Yacob  quick  say  of  der 
mans,  "  How  you  vas,  mein  frcnnd ;  you  like  to  look  of 
mine  goots,  aind  it?"  "Nein,"  der  mans  say.  "Yell, 
mein  freund,  it  makes  me  notting  troubles  to  show  dot 
goots."  "  Nein ;  I  dond  vood  buy  sometings  to  tay." 
"Yoost  come  mit  me  vonce,  mein  frnund,  und  I  show  you 
sometings,  und,  so  lielhib  me  gnu-inns,  T  dond  ask  yon  to 
buv  dot  goots."     "Yell,  I  told  you  vat  it  vas,  I  dond  \  ood 

45(iG7i 


38  MAUD  MULLER  IN  DUTCH. 

look  at  some  tings  yoost  now ;  I  keebs  a  livery  sbtable, 
uud  I  likes  to  see  mein  old  freund,  Mister  Isaacs,  uud  I 
came  von  Kaiutucky  out  to  see  bim  vouce."  "Mister 
Isaacs  ?  Veil,  dot  isb  pad  ;  I  vas  sorry  von  dot.  I  dells 
you,  mein  freund,  Mister  Isaacs  be  vas  died.  He  vas  mein 
brudder,  und  be  vas  not  mit  us  eny  more.  Yoost  vbeu  be 
vas  on  bis  deat-ped,  und  vas  dyiu,  be  says  of  me,  'Yacob, 
(dot  isb  mine  names,)  und  I  goes  me  ofer  mit  bis  pet«ide, 
und  be  poods  bis  bands  of  mine,  und  be  says  of  me, 
'  Yacob,  ofer  a  man  be  sball  come  von  Kaintucky  out,  mit 
ret  bair,  und  mit  plue  eyes,  Yacob,  sell  bim  dings  cbeab,' 
und  be  lay  ofer  und  died  bis  last." 


MAUD    MULLER    IN    DUTCH. 

Maud  MuUer,  von  summer  afternoon 

Yas  (lending  bar  in  her  fadder's  saloon. 
She  solt  dot  bier,  und  ringed  "  Shoo  Ply," 

Und  vlnked  at  der  men  mit  her  lefd  eye. 
Bud  ven  she  looked  oud  on  der  shdreed, 

Und  saw  dem  gals  all  dressed  so  shweed, 
Her  song  gifed  out  on  a  ubber  note, 

Cause  she  had  such  a  hoss  in  her  troat ; 
Uud  she  vished  she  had  shdamps  to  shbend, 

So  she  might  git  such  a  Grecian  Bend. 
Hans  Brinker  valked  shlowly  down  der  shdreed, 

Shmilin  at  all  der  gals  he'd  meed; 
Old  Hans  vas  rich — as  I've  been  dold, — 

Had  hoases  und  lots,  und  a  barrel  of  gold. 
He  shdopped  py  der  door,  und  pooty  soon 

He  valked  righd  indo  dot  bier  saloon. 
Uud  he  vinked  at  Maud,  und  said    "  My  Dear, 

G  if  me,  of  you  pblease,  a  glass  of  bier." 
She  vend  to  der  pblaee  vere  der  bier  keg  shtood, 

Und  pringed  him  a  glass  dot  vas  fresh  und  goot. 


MAUD  MULLEll  IN  DUTCH.  39 

"  Dot's  goot,"  said  Hans,  "dot's  abetter  drink 

As  etier  I  had  in  mine  life,  I  dink." 
He  dalked  for  a  vhile,  den  said,  "  Goot  day." 

Und  up  der  shdi-eet  he  dook  his  vay. 
Maud  hofed  a  sigh,  and  said,  "Oh  how 

I'de  like  te)  been  dot  olt  man's  frovr. 
Such  shplendid  close  I  den  vood  vear, 

Dot  all  the  gals  around  vood  shdare. 
In  dot  Uuiou  Park  I'd  drive  all  tay, 

Und  eiery  eveuin  go  to  der  blay. 
Hans  Drinker,  doo,  felt  almighty  gweer, 
(But  dot  mite  peen  von  triukiu  beer.) 
Tlud  he  says  to  himself,  as  he  valked  along, 

Hnrnmin  der  dune  of  a  olt  lofe  song, 
"  Dot's  der  finest  gal  I  efer  did  see, 

Und  I  vish  dot  she  my  wife  cood  be." 
But  here  his  solillogwy  came  to  an  end. 

As  he  dinked  of  der  gold  dot  she  might  shbend ; 
Und  he  niaked  up  his  mind  dot  as  for  him. 

He'd  marry  a  gal  mit  lots  of  "  din." 
So  he  vent  righd  off  dot  fery  day, 

Und  married  a  voomau  olt  und  gray. 
He  vishes  now,  but  all  in  vain, 

Dot  ho  vas  free  to  marry  again  ; 
;  Free  as  he  vas  dot  afdernoou, 
•    Yen  ho  med  Maud  Muller  in  der  bier  saloon. 
Maud  married  a  man  without  some  "  soap" — 

He  vas  lazy  doo — but  she  did  hope 
Dot  he'd  get  bedder  when  shildreu  came ; 

But  vhen  dey  had,  he  vas  yoost  der  same. 
Und  ofden  now  dein  dears  vill  come 

As  she  sits  alone  ven  lier  day's  vork's  done, 
Und  dinks  of  der  day  Hans  called  her  "  my  dear," 

Und  asked  her  f<jr  a  glass  of  i)ier  ; 
But  she  don'd  coniblain,  nor  efer  lias, 

Und  oney  says,  "  Dot  coodu't  vas." 


40        MOSES,    THE   sassy;    OR   THE   BISGriSED   DUKE. 

MOSES,  THE   SASSY  ;    OR,  THE  DISGUISED  DUKE. 
Chapter  I. 


My  story  opens  in  the  classic  presinks  of  Bostiu.  In  the 
parler  of  the  bloated  aristocratic  mansion  on  Bacon  street 
sits  a  luvly  young  lady,  whose  hair  is  covered  ore  with  the 
frosts  of  "between  17  Suniniers.  She  has  just  sot  down  to 
the  piany,  and  is  warbliu  the  popler  ballad  called  "  Smells 
of  the  Notion,"  in  which  she  tells  how,  with  pensiv 
thought,  she  wandered  by  a  C  beat  shore.  The  son  is 
settiu  in  its  horizon,  and  its  gorjus  light  pores  in  a  golden 
meller  flud  through  the  winders,  and  makes  the  young 
lady  twict  as  beautiful  nor  what  she  was  before,  which  is 
onnecessary.  She  is  magnificently  dressed  up  in  a  Berage 
basque,  with  poplin  trimmins,  More  Antique,  Ball  Morals 
and  3  jjly  carpeting.  Also,  considerable  gauze.  Her 
dress  contains  16  flounders  and  her  shaes  is  red  morocker, 
with  gold  spangles  onto  them.  Presently  she  jumps  up 
with  a  wild  snort,  and  pressin  her  hands  to  her  brow,  she 
exclaims,  "  Methinks  I  see  a  voice  !" 

A  noble  youth  of  27  summers  enters.  ^He  is  attired  in  a 
red  shirt  and  black  trowsis,  which  last  air  turned  up  over 
his  boots  ;  his  hat,  which  it  is  a  plug,  being  cockt  onto  one 
side  of  his  classical  head.  In  sooth,  he  was  a  heroic  lookin 
person,  with  a  fine  shape.  Grease,  in  its  barmiest  days, 
near  projuced  a  more  hefty  cavileer.  Gazin  upon  him  ad- 
mirinly  for  a  spell,  Elizy  (for  that  was  her  name)  orga- 
nized herself  into  a  tabloo,  and  stated  as  follers  : 

"Ha!  do  me  eyes  deceive  me  earsight?  Is  it  some 
dreams  ?  No,  I  reckon  not !  That  frame  !  them  store 
close  !  those  nose  !    Yes,  it  is  me  own,  me  only  Moses  !'' 

He  (Moses)  folded  her  to  his  hart,  with  the  remark  that 
he  was  "a  huukey  boy." 


MOSES,   THE   SASSY;    OE  THE  DISGUISEB  DUEIE.       41 

Chapter  II. 

WAS  MOSES  OF   NoBLE   BIRTH  ? 

Moses  was  foreman  of  Eugine  Co.  No.  40.  Forty's  fel- 
lers had  just  biu  bavin  an  annual  reunion  with  Fifty's 
fellers  on  the  day  I  iutrojuce  Moses  to  my  readers,  and 
Moses  had  his  arms  full  of  trofees,  to  wit :  4  scalps,  5  eyes, 
3  fingers,  7  ears  (which  he  chawed  off),  and  several  half 
and  quarter  sections  of  noses.  "When  the  fair  Elizy  recov- 
ered from  her  delight  at  meetiu  Moses,  she  said  :— "How 
hast  the  battle  gonest  ?     Tell  me  !" 

"We chawed  'em  up— that's  what  we  did  !"  said  the  bold 

Moses. 

"  I  thank  the  gods  !"  said  the  fair  Elizy.  "  Thou  did'st 
excellent  well.  And,  Moses,"  she  coutmnered,  lay  in  her 
hed  confidiiily  agin  his  wcskit,  "  dost  know  I  sumtimes 
think  thou  isfest  of  noble  birth  f 

"No!"  said  he,  wildly  kctchin  hold  of  hisself.  "You 
don't  say  so !" 

"  Indeed  do  I !  Your  dead  grandfuthcr'.-s  spcrrit  comest 
tome  the  tother  night." 

"  Oh  no,  I  guess  it's  a  mistake,"  sed  Moses. 

"  I'll  bet  two  dollars  and  a  quarter  he  did  !"  replied 
Elizy.     "  He. said,  '  Moses  is  a  Disguised  Juke  !'•" 

"You  mean  Duke,"  said  ]\Ioses. 

"  Dost  not  the  actors  all  call  it  Juke  ?"  said  she. 

That  settled  the  matter. 

"  I  hcv  thought  of  this  thing  afore,"  said  Moses,  abstract- 
edly. "  If  it  is  so,  then  thus  must  it  be  !  2  B  or  not  2  B  ! 
Which?  Sow,  sow!  But  enutT.  OWfcl  Y\\\i  I— !/on' re  too 
manijfor  me .'"  He  tore  out  some  of  his  pretty  ycUer  hair, 
stampt  on  the  floor  .sevril  times,  and  was  gone. 

Chapter  III. 
THE  rmuT  foiled. 
Sixteen  long  and  weary  years  has  clapst  since  the  scons 
narrated  in  the  last  chapter  took  place.     A  noble  ship,  the 


42       MOSES,   THE  sassy;    OE  THE  DISGUISED  DUKE. 

Sary  Jane,  is  a-sailiu  from  France  to  Ameriky  via  the 
Wabash  Canal.  The  pirut  ship  is  in  hot  pursoot  of  the 
Sary.  The  pirut  capting  isn't  a  man  of  much  principle, 
and  intends  to  kill  all  the  people  on  bored  the  Sary  and 
conhscate  the  wallerbles.  The  capting  of  the  S.  J.  is  on 
the  pint  of  givin  in,  when  a  tine  lookin  feller  in  russet 
boots  and  a  buflalo  overcoat  rushes  forored  and  obsarves : 
"  Old  man !  go  down  stairs !  Retire  to  the  starbud  bulk- 
hed !     I'll  take  charge  of  this  Bote !" 

''  Owdashus  cuss !"  yelled  the  capting,  "  away  with  thee, 
or  I  shall  do  mur-rer-der-r-r !" 

"  Skurcely,"  obsarved  the  stranger,  and  he  drew  a  dia- 
mond-hilted  fish-knife  and  cut  orf  the  capting's  hed.  He 
expired  shortly,  his  last  words  bem,  "  We  are  governed 
too  much." 
''  People !"  sed  the  stranger,  "  I  am  the  Juke  d'Moses !" 
"Old  hoss!"  sed  a  passenger,  "methinks  thou  art 
blowin  !"  whareupou  the  Juke  cut  orf  his  hed  also. 

''Oh  that  I  should  live  to  see  myself  a  ded  body  !" 
screamed  the  unfortunit  man.  "  But  don't  print  any  verses 
about  my  deth  in  the  newspapers,  for  if  you  do  I'll  haunt 
ye!" 

"  People  !"  sed  the  Juke,  "  I  alone  can  save  you  from 
yon  bloody  pirut!.  Ho!  a  peck  of  oats!"  The  oats  was 
brought,  and  the  Juke,  boldly  mountin  the  jibpoop, 
throwed  them  onto  the  towpath.  The  pirut  rapidly  ap- 
proached, chucklin  with  fiendish  delight  at  the  idee  of  in- 
creasin  his  ill-gotten  gains.  But  the  leadin  hoss  of  the  pi- 
rut ship  stopt  suddent  on  corain  to  the  oats,  and  commenst 
for  to  devour  them.  In  vain  thepiruts  swore  and  throwed 
stones  and  bottles  at  the  hoss— he  wouldn't  budge  an  inch. 
Meanwhile  the  Sary  Jane,  her  bosses  on  the  full  jump, 
was  fast  leavin  the  pirut  ship  ! 

"  Onct  again  do  I  escape  detb  !"  said  the  Juke  between 
his  clencht  teeth,  still  on  the  jibpoop. 


THE  TAKX  OF  THE  NANCY  BELL.         43 

Chapter  IV. 

THE  wanderer's  RETURN. 

The  Juke  was  Moses  the  Sassy !    Yes,  it  was ! 

He  bad  biu  to  Frauce,  and  uow  be  was  borne  agin  ia 
Bostin,  wbicb  gave  birtb  to  a  Buulcer  Hill !  He  bad 
some  trouble  iu  gittiug  bisself  acliuowledged  as  Juke  in 
Frauce,  as  tbe  Orleaus  Dieuasty  and  Borebones  were  fer- 
nesfe  bim,  but  be  finely  conkered.  Elizy  kuowed  bim  rigbt 
oil",  as  one  of  bis  ears  and  a  part  of  bis  nose  bad  biu  cbawed 
off  iu  bis  ligbts  witb  opposition  firemen  duriu  boyhood's 
suuuy  hours.  They  lived  to  a  green  old  age,  beloved  by 
all,  both,  grate  and  small.  Their  children,  of  which  they 
have  numerous,  often  go  up  onto  the  Common  and  see  the 
Fountain  squirt. 

This  is  my  1st  attemt  at  writin  a  Tail  &  it  is  far  from 
heiu  perfeck,  but  if  I  have  indoosed  folks  to  see  that  iu  9 
cases  out  of  10  they  can  either  make  Life  as  barren  as  the 
Dessert  of  Sarah,  or  as  joyous  as  the  flower  garding,  my 
objcck  will  have  been  accomplished,  and  more  too. 


THE  YARN  OF  THE  "NANCY  BELL." 

READ  liY  J.  M.  liELLEW.  w.  «.  oilukht. 

'Twas  ou  the  shores  that  round  our  coast 

From  Deal  to  Kamsgate  Hpan, 
That  I  found  alone  on  a  piece  of  stone 

An  elderly  naval  man. 

His  hairwa.s  weedy,  bis  beard  was  lonp, 

And  weed}'  and  long  was  he, 
And  I  bi'ard  tliis  wight  on  the  shore  recite 

In  asinguliir  minor  key  : 

"Oh,  I  am  a  conic,  and  a  rantain  hohl, 
And  the  mate  of  the  Nancij  brig, 
And  n  bo'sun  tight,  and  a  niidsliipmitn, 
And  tlie  crew  of  the  captain's  gig  !" 


44  THE  YAKX  OF  THE  XAXCY  BELL. 

And  he  shook  his  fistf;,  and  he  tore  his  hair, 

Till  I  really  felt  afraid, 
For  I  couldu't  help  thinking  the  man  had  been  drinking, 

And  so  I  simply  said  : 

'•■  Oh,  elderly  man,  it's  little  I  know 
Of  the  duties  of  men  of  the  sea, 
And  I'll  eat  my  hand  if  I  understand 
How  you  can  possibly  be 

"At  once  a  cook  and  a  captain  bold. 
And  the  mate  of  the  Xuncy  brig, 
And  a  bo'sun  tight,  and  a  midshipmite, 
And  the  crew  of  the  captain's  gig." 

Then  he  gave  a  hitch  to  his  trousers,  which 

Is  a  trick  all  seamen  larn, 
And  having  got  rid  of  a  thumpin'  quid,' 

He  spun  this  painful  yam : 

'Twas  in  the  good  ship  Nancy  Bell 

That  we  sailed  to  the  Indian  sea, 

And  there  on  a  reef  we  come  to  grief, 

"WTiich  has  often  occurred  to  me. 

"  And  pretty  nigh  all  o'  the  crew  was  drowTied, 
(There  was  seventy-seven -o'  soul). 
And  only  ten  of  the  Nancy's  men 
Said  '  Here  !'  to  the  muster  roll. 

"  There  was  me,  and  the  cook,  and  the  captain  bold. 
And  the  mate  of  the  Nancy  brig, 
And  the  bo'sun  tight,  and  a  midshipmite, 
And  the  crew  of  the  captain's  gig. 

"  For  a  month  we'd  neither  wittles  nor  drink, 
Till  a-hungry  we  did  feel, 
So  we  drawed  a  lot,  and  accordin'  shot 
The  captain  for  our  meal. 

"  The  next  lot  fell  to  the  Nancy's  mate, 
And  a  deUcate  dish  he  made ; 
Then  our  appetite  with  the  midshipmite 
We  Seven  survivors  stayed. 


THE   TAEX   OF   THE   NA2fCY   BELL.  45 

"And  then  we  murdered  the  bo'sun  tight, 
And  he  much  resembled  pig; 
Then  we  wittled  free,  did  the  cook  and  me. 
On  the  crew  of  the  captain's  gig. 

"  Then  only  the  cook  and  me  was  left, 
And  the  delicate  question,  '  Which 
Of  us  two  goes  to  the  kettle  V  arose. 
And  we  argue^  it  out  as  sich. 

"  For  I  loved  that  cook  as  a  brother,  I  did, 
And  the  cook  he  worshiped  me ; 
But  we'd  both  be  blowed  if  we'd  either  be  stowed 
In  the  other  chap's  hold,  you  see. 

" '  I'll  be  eat  if  you  dines  of  me,'  says  Tom 
'Yes,  that,'  says  I,  'you'll  be.' 
'  I'm  boiled  if  I  die,  my  friend,'  quoth  I ; 
And  '  Exactly  so,'  quoth  he. 

"  Says  he,  'Dear  James,  to  murder  me 
Were  a  foolish  thing  to  do. 
For  don't  you  see  that  you  can't  cook  mc 
While  I  can — and  will — cook  you  f ' 

"  So  he  boils  the  water,  and  takes  the  .salt 
And  the  pepper  in  portions  true 
(Which  he  never  forgot),  and  some  chopped  shalot 
And  some  sage  and  parsley  too. 

'"Come  here,'  says  he,  with  a  proper  pride. 
Which  his  smiling  features  tell, 
'  'Twill  soothing  be  if  I  let  you  see 
How  extremely  nice  you'll  smell.' 

"And  ho  stirred  it  round  and  roumJ  and  round. 
And  he  sniffed  at  the  foaming  froth — 
When  I  ups  with  his  heel.'^,  and  smothers  his  squeals 
In  the  scum  of  the  boiling  broth. 

"  And  I  eat  that  cook  in  a  week  or  less, 
And — an  I  eating  be 
Tlie  la.st  of  his  chops,  why,  I  almost  drops, 
For  a  wes.-el  in  sight  I  see. 


46  PADDY   THE   PIPEE. 


"  And  I  never  grieve,  and  I  never  smile,  • 
And  I  never  larf  nor  play, 
But  I  sit  and  croak,  and  a  single  joke 
I  have — •which  is  to  say : 

"  Oh,  I  am  a  cook,  and  a  captain  bold. 
And  the  mate  of  the  Nancy  brig, 
And  a  bo'suu  tight,  and  a  midshipmite. 
And  the  crew  of  the  captain's  gig !" 


PADDY  THE  PIPER. 

8A1IUEL   LOVER. 

I'll  tell  you,  sir,  a  mighty  quare  story.  'Twas  afther 
nightfall,  and  we  wor  sittin'  round  the  fire,  and  the  pratees 
was  boilin',  and  the  noggins  of  butthermilk  was  standin' 
ready  for  our  suppers,  whin  a  knock  kem  to  the  door. 
"  Whist,"  says  my  father,  "  here's  the  sojers  come  upon  us 
now,"  says  he.  "Bad  luck  to  thim,  the  villains;  I'm 
afeard  they  seen  a  glimmer  of  the  fire  through  the  crack 
in  the  door,"  says  he. 

"  No,"  says  my  mother,  "for I'm  afther  hanging  an  ould 
sack  and  my  new  petticoat  agin  it,  a  while  ago." 

"Well,  whist,  anyhow,"  says  my  father,  "for  there's 
a  knock  agin ;"  and  we  all  held  our  tongues  till  another 
thump  kem  to  the  door. 

"  Oh,  it's  folly  to  purtiud  any  more,"  says  my  father  ; 
"  they're  too  cute  to  be  put  off  that-a-way,"  says  he.  "  Go, 
Shamus,"  says  he  to  me,  "  and  see  who's  in  it." 

"  How  can  I  see  who's  in  it  in  the  dark  ?"  says  I. 

"  Well,"  says  he,  "  light  the  candle,  thin,  and  see  who's 
in  it.  But  don't  open  the  door  for  your  life,  barrin'  they 
break  it  in,"  says  he,  "exceptiu'  to  the  sojers  ;  and  spake 
them  fair,  if  it's  thim." 

So  with  that  I  wiut  to  the  door,  and  there  was  another 
knock. 


PADDY  THE   riPER.  47 

"  Who's  there  ?"  says  I. 

"  It's  me,"  says  he. 

"  Who  are  you  ?"  says  I. 

"A  friend,"  says  he. 

'^Baitliershin .'"  says  I ;  "  who  are  you,  at  all  ?" 

"  Arrah  !  don't  you  kuow  me  ?"  says  he. 

"  Divil  a  taste,"  says  I. 

"  Sure  I'm  Paddy  the  Piper,"  says  he. 

"Oh,  thuudher  and  turf!"  says  I;  "is  it  you,  Paddy, 
that's  in  it  ?" 

"  Sorra  one  else,"  says  he. 

"And  what  brought  you  at  this  hour  ?"  says  I. 

"  By  gar,"  says  he,  "  I  didn't  like  goiu'  the  roun'  by  the 
road,"  says  he,  "  and  so  I  kern  the  short  cut,  and  that's 
what  delayed  me,"  says  ho. 

******* 

"  Faix,  then,"  says  I,  "  you  had  betther  lose  no  time  in 
hidin'  yourself,"  says  I,  "  for  troth  I  tell  you,  it's  a  short 
thrial  and  a  long  rope  the  Husshians  would  be  afthcr  givin' 
you — for  they've  no  justice,  and  less  marcy,  the  villains  !" 

"Faith,  thin,  more's  the  raison  you  should  let  me  in, 
Sharaus,"  says  poor  Paddy. 

"  It's  a  folly  to  talii,"  says  I;  "I  darn't  open  the  door." 

"Oh  then,  milliamurther  I"  says  Paddy,  "  what'U  be- 
come of  me  at  all,  at  all  V"  says  he. 

"Go  aft"  into  the  slied,"  says  I,  "behind  the  house, 
where  the  cow  is;"  but  instead  of  going  to  tlie  cow-house, 
hf!  sot  off  to  go  to  the  fair,  and  he  wint  meandherin'  along 
tlirough  the  fields,  but  ho  didn't  go  far,  until  climbin'  up 
through  a  hedge,  when  he  was  coming  out  at  t'dthcr  side, 
he  kcm  plump  agin  somotliin'  that  made  the  fire  flash  out 
iv  his  eyes.  So  with  that  ho  looks  up — and  what  do  you 
think  it  was,  Lord  bo  marciful  unto  uz !  but  a  corpse 
hangin'  out  of  a  branch  of  a  three  ?  "  Oh,  the  top  of  the 
inornin'  to  you,  sir,"  says  Paddy ;  "  and  is  that  the  way 
with  you,  uiy  poor  fellow  ?    Throth  yon  took  a  start  out 


48  PADDY   THE   PIPER. 

o'  me,"  says  poor  Paddy ;  and  'twas  thrue  for  bim,  for  ifc 
would  make  the  heart  of  a  stouter  man  nor  Paddy  jump  to 
see  the  like,  and  to  think  of  a  Christian  crathur  being 
lianged  up,  all  as  one  as  a  dog. 

******* 

Says  Paddy,  eyein'  the  corpse,  "  By  ray  sowl  thin,  but 
you  have  a  beautiful  pair  of  boots  an  you,"  says  he,  "  and 
it's  what  I'm  thinkin'  you  won't  have  any  great  use  for 
thim  no  more  ;  and  sbure  it's  a  shame  to  see  the  likes  o' 
me,"  says  he,  "  the  best  piper  in  the  siviu  counties,  to  be 
trampin'  wid  a  pair  of  ould  brogues  not  worth  three  tra- 
neens,  and  a  corpse  wid  such  an  illigant  pair  o'  boots,  that 
wants  some  one  to  wear  thim."  So  with  that  Paddy  laid 
hould  of  him  by  the  boots,  and  began  a  pullin'  at  thim, 
but  they  w^or  mighty  stiff;  and  whether  it  was  by  rayson 
of  their  bein'  so  tight,  or  the  branch  of  the  tree  a-jiggiu' 
up  and  down,  all  as  one  as  a  weighdee  buckettee,  and  not 
lettin'  Paddy  cotch  any  right  hoult  o'  thim,  he  could  get 
no  advantage  o'  thim  at  all ;  and  at  last  he  gev  it  up,  and 
was  goin'  away,  whin,  lookin'  behind  him  agin,  the  sight  of 
the  illigant  fine  boots  was  too  much  for  him,  and  he  turned 

back outs  with  his  knife,  and  what  does 

he  do,  but  he  cuts  off  the  legs  av  the  corpse ;  and  says  he, 
''  I  can  take  aff  the  boots  at  my  convanyience."  And 
throth  it  was,  as  I  said  before,  a  dirty  turn. 

Well,  sir,  he  tucked  up  the  legs  uudher  his  arm,  and 
walked  back  agin  to  the  cow-house,  and  hidia'  the  corpse's 
legs  in  the  sthraw,  Paddy  wiut  to  sleep.  But  what  do  you 
think  ■?  the  divil  a  long  Paddy  was  there  antil  the  sojers 
kem  in  airnest,  and,  by  the  powers,  they  carried  off  Paddy  ; 
and  faith  it  was  only  sarvin'  him  right  for  what  he  had 
done  to  the  poor  corpse. 

Well,  whin  the  morning  kem,  my  father  says  to  me, 
"  Go,  Shamus,"  says  he,  "  to  the  shed,  and  bid  poor  Paddy 
come  ■  in,  and  take  share  o'  the  pratees  ;  for  I  go  bail  he's 
ready  for  his  breakquest  by  this,  anyhow." 


*  '  PADDT   THE   PIPER.  49 

Well,  out  I  wint  to  the  cow-bouse,  and  called  out 
"  Paddy !"  and  aftber  calliu'  tbree  or  four  times,  and 
gettin'  no  answer,  I  wint  in,  and  called  agin,  and  divil  an 
answer  I  got  still.  "  Blood-au-agers  !"  says  I,  "  Paddy, 
where  are  you,  at  all,  at  all  ?"  and  so,  castin'  my  eyes 
about  the  sbed,  I  seen  tvfo  feet  sticking  out  from  uudber 
tbe  bape  o' straw.  "  Musba  !  tbin,"  says  I,  "bad  luck  to 
you,  Paddy,  but  you're  fond  of  a  warm  corner;  and 
maybe  you  bavn't  made  yourself  as  snug  as  a  flay  in  a 
blanket  ?  But  I'll  disturb  your  dbraraes,  I'm  tbinkin'," 
says  I,  and  witb  tbat,  I  laid  bould  of  bis  heels  (as  I 
tbongbt),  and  givin'  a  good  pull  to  waken  bira,  as  I  in- 
tindid,  away  I  wint,  bead  over  heels,  and  my  brains  was 
a'niost  knocked  out  agin  tbe  wall.  Well,  whin  I  recovered 
myself,  there  I  was,  on  tbe  broad  o'  my  back,  and  two 
things  stickin'  out  o'  my  bands,  like  a  pair  of  Hussbiau's 
borse-i)istils ;  and  I  thought  the  sight  'd  lave  my  eyes 
whin  I  seen  they  wor  two  mortial  legs.  Lly  jcw'l,  I  threw 
tliiiu  down  like  a  hot  pratec,  and  jumpin'  up,  I  roared  out 
millia  murtber.  "  Oh,  you  murtherin'  villain,"  says  T, 
shaking  my  fist  at  tbe  cow — "Oh,  you  unnatb'ral  baste," 
says  I ;  "you've  ate  poor  Paddy,  you  tbievin'  cannable  ; 
you're  worse  than  a  neyger,"  says  I.  "  And  bad  luck  to 
you,  bow  dainty  you  are,  tbat  notbin'  'd  serve  you  for  your 
supper  but  the  best  piper  in  Ireland  I" 

With  that  I  ran  out,  for  throth  I  didn't  like  to  be  near 
her;  and  goin'  into  the  house,  I  tould  them  all  about  it. 

"  Arrah  !  be  aisy,"  says  my  father. 

"  Bad  luck  to  tbe  lie  I  tell  you,"  says  I. 

"  Is  it  ate  Paddy  ?"  says  they. 

"  Divil  a  doubt  of  it,"  says  I. 

"  Are  you  sure,  Shamus?"   says  my  mother. 

"  I  wish  I  was  as  sure  of  a  new  pair  of  brogues,"  says  I. 
"  Bad  luck  to  tbe  bit  she  has  l(!ft  iv  biin  but  bis  two  logs." 

"  And  do  you  tell  me  that  she  ate  the  pipes  too  ?"  says 
my  father. 


50  PADDY   THE    PIPER. 

"  By  gar,  I  b'lieve  so,"  says  I. 

"  Oh,  the  divil  fly  away  vrid  her,"  says  he  ;  "  what  a  cruel 
taste  she  has  for  music  1" 

''Arrah!"  says  my  mother,  ''don't  be  cursing  the  cow 
that  gives  milk  to  the  childer." 

"Yis,  I  will,"  says  my  father;  "  why  shouldn't  I  curse 
sitch  an  unnath'ral  baste  ?" 

"You  oughtn't  to  curse  any  livin'  that's  undher  your 
roof,"  says  my  mother. 

"  By  my  sowl,  thin,"  says  my  father,  "  she  shan't  be 
undher  my  roof  any  more ;  for  I'll  send  her  to  the  fair  this 
minit,"  says  he,  "  and  sell  her  for  whatever  she'll  bring. 
Go  aflf,"  says  he,  "  Shamus,  the  minit  you've  ate  your 
breakquest,  and  dhrive  her  to  the  fair." 

"  Troth,  I  don't  like  to  dhrive  her,"  says  I. 

"  Arrah,  don't  be  makiu'  a  gommagh  of  yourself,"  says  he. 

"  Faith,  I  don't,"  says  I. 

"  Well,  like  or  no  like,"  says  he,  "you  must  dhrive  her." 
*  »  *  *  *  *  « 

Well,  away  we  wint  along  the  road,  and  mighty  throng'd 
it  wuz  wid  the  boys  and  the  girls,  and,  in  short,  all  sorts, 
rich  and  poor,  high  and  low,  crowdin'  to  the  fair. 

"  God  save  you,"  says  one  to  me. 

"  God  save  you,  kindly,"  says  I. 

"  That's  a  fine  beast  you're  dhrivin,"  says  he. 

"  Troth  she  is," says  I;  though  God  knows  it  wint  agin 
ray  heart  to  say  a  good  word  for  the  likes  of  her.  .  .  . 
I  dhriv  her  into  the  thick  av  the  fair,  whin  all  of  a  suddint, 
as  I  kem  to  the  door  av  a  tint,  up  sthruck  the  pipes  to  the 
tune  av  'Tattherin'  Jack  Walsh,'  and  myjew'l,  in  a  minit, 
the  cow  cock'd  her  ears,  and  was  makin'  a  dart  at  the  tint. 

"  Oh,  murther  !"  says  I  to  the  boys  standin'by ;  "  hould 
her,"  says  I,  "hnuld  her — ^she  ate  one  piper  alread}',  the 
vagabone,  and  bad  luck  to  her,  she  wants  another  now." 

" Is  it  a  cow  for  to  ate  a  piper?"  says  one  o'  thira. 

"Divil  a  word  o'  lie  in  it,  for  I  seen  it's  corpse  myself, 


PADDY   THE   PIPEK.  51 

and  nothin'  left  but  the  two  legs,"  says  I ;  "  and  it's  a  folly 
to  be  sthrivin'  to  hide  it,  for  I  see  she'll  never  lave  it 
off — as  Poor  Paddy  Grogau  knows  to  his  cost.  Lord  be  mar- 
ciful  to  him." 

''  Who's  that  takiu'  luy  name  in  vain  ?''  says  a  voice  in 
the  crowd ;  and  with  that,  shovin'  the  throng  a  one  side, 
who  the  divil  should  I  see  but  Paddy  Grogan,  to  all  ap- 
pearance. 

'■  Oh,  hould  him  too,"  says  I;  "keep  him  aff  me,  for 
it's  not  himself  at  all,  but  his  ghost,"  says  I ;  "  for  he  was 
kilt  last  night,  to  my  sartin  knowledge,  every  inch  av  him, 
all  to  his  legs." 

Well,  sir,  with  that, -Paddy — for  it  was  Paddy  himself, 
as  it  keni  out  aftlier — fell  a  laughin'  so  that  you'd  think 
his  sides  'ud  split.  And  whin  he  kem  to  himself,  he  ups 
and  lie  tould  uz  how  it  was,  as  I  tould  you  already.  And 
av  coorse  the  poor  slandered  cow  was  dhruv  home  agin, 
and  many  a  quiet  day  she  had  wid  uz  afther  that ;  and 
whin  she  died,  throth,  my  father  had  sich  a  regard  for  the 
poor  thing  that  he  had  her  skinned,  and  an  illigant 
pair  of  breeches  made  out  iv  her  hide,  and  it's  in  the 
fam'ly  to  this  day.  And  isn't  it  mighty  remarkable,  what 
I'm  goin'  to  tell  you  now,  but  it's  as  thrue  as  I'm  here, 
that  from  that  out,  any  one  that  has  thim  breeches  an,  the 
minit  a  pairo'  pipes  sthrikes  up,  they  can't  rest,  but  goes 
jiggin'  andjiggin'  in  their  sate,  and  never  stops  as  long  as 
4,1)0  pipes  is  playin — and  there,  there  is  the  very  breeches 
that's  an  mo  now,  and  a  fine  pair  they  ai'e  this  minit. 


SCHNEIDER  SEES  LEAH. 

I-'NCI.K    RCIINKiriKn, 

I  vant  to  dold  you  vat  it  is,  dots  a  putty  nice  play.  Do 
first  dime  dot  you  see  Leah,  she  runs  cross  a  pridge,  niit 
some  fellers  chasin  her  mit  putty  big  shtics.  Dey  Jcctch 
licr  right;  in  do  middle  of  der  edge,  und  der  leader,  (dot's 


52  SCnXEIDER   SEES   LEAH. 

de  villen)  be  sez  of  her,  "Dot  its  better  ven  sbe  dies,  und 
dot  be  coodent  allow  it  dot  sbe  can  Z?/."  Und  de  Oder  fel- 
lers boilers  out  "  So  ye  vill ;"  "  Gife  bcr  somcdetb  ;"  "Kill 
ber  putty  quick  ;"  "  Sbmack  ber  of  der  jaw,"  und  sucb 
dings;  und  ebust  as  dey  vill  kill  ber,  do  priest  says  of 
dem,  "Dond  you  do  dot,"  und  dey  sbtop  dot  putty  quick. 
In  der  uexd  seen,  dot  Leab  meets  Rudolpb  (dots  ber  feller) 
in  de  voods.  Before  dot  be  comes  in,  sbe  sits  of  de  bottom 
of  a  cross,  und  sbe  dond  look  pooty  Ufchjj  und  sbe  says, 
"Rudolpb,  Rudolpb,  bow  is  dot,  dot  you  dond  come  und 
see  aboud  me  %  You  didn't  sbpeak  of  me  for  tree  days 
long.  I  vant  to  dold  you  vot  it  is,  dot  ain't  some  luf.  I 
dond  like  dot."  Veil,  Rudolpb  be  dond  vas  dere,  so  be 
coodent  sed  sometbing.  But  ven  be  comes  in,  sbe  dells  of 
bira  dot  sbe  bifs  bim  orfid,  und  be  says  dot  be  guess  be 
lufs  ber  orful  too,  und  vants  to  know  vood  sbe  leaf  dot 
1)1  ace,  und  go  oud  in  some  oder  country  mit  bim.  Und 
sbe  says,  "I  told  you,  I  vill;"  und  be  says,  "Dots  all 
rigbt,"  und  be  tells  ber  be  vill  meet  ber  soon,  und  dey  vill 
go  vay  dogedder.  Den  be  kisses  ber  und  goes  oud,  und 
sbe  feels  bonkey  dorey  bond  dot. 

Yell,  in  der  nexd  seen,  Rudolpb's  old  man  finds  oud  all 
aboud  dot,  und  be  don'd  feel  putty  goot  ;  und  be  says  of 
Rudolpb,  "  Yood  you  leef  me,  und  go  mit  dot  gal  ?"  und 
Rudolpb  feels  putty  bad.  He  don'd  know  vot  be  sball  do, 
Und  der  old  man  be  says  "  I  dold  you  vot  I'll  do.  De 
skoolmaster  (dot's  de  villen)  says  dot  sbe  migbd  dook 
some  money  to  go  vay.  Now,  Rudolpb,  my  poy,  I'll  gif  de 
skoolmaster  sum  money  to  gif  do  ber,  und  if  sbe  don'd 
dook  dot  money,  I'll  let  you  marry  dot  gal."  Yen  Rudolpb 
bears  dis,  be  cbumps  mit  joyness,  und  says  "  Fader,  fader, 
dot's  all  rigbd.  Dot's  pully.  I  baed  you  anydings  sbe 
voodent  dook  dot  money."  Yell,  de  old  man  gif  de  skool- 
master de  money,  und  dells  bim  dot  be  sball  offer  dot  of 
ber.  Yell,  dot  pluddy  skoolmaster  comes  back  und  says 
dot  Leab  dook  dot  gold  rigbd  avay  ven  sbe  didn't  do  dot. 


SCIIXEIDER   SEES   LEAH.  53 

Den  do  old  man  says,  "Didn't  I  told  you  so  V  and  Rudolph 
gits  so  vild  dot  be  svears  dot  she  can't  baf  soiueding  more 
to  do  mit  bim.  So  veu  Leab  vill  meet  bim  in  de  voods,  be 
don'd  vas  dere,  und  sbe  feels  orful,  und  goes  avay.  Bime- 
by  sbe  comes  np  to  Rudolpb's  bouse.  Sbe  feels  putty  bad, 
und  sbe  knocks  of  de  door.  De  old  man  comes  oud,  und 
says,  "  Got  out  of  dot,  you  orful  vooman.  Don'd  you  come 
round  after  my  boy  again,  else  I  put  you  in  de  dooms." 
Und  sbe  says,  "Cbust  let  me  see  Iludolpb  vonce,  und  I  \ill 
vauder  avay."  So  den  Rudolpb  comes  oud,  und  sbe  vants 
to  rusb  of  bis  arms,  but  dot  pluddy  fool  voodent  allow  dot. 
He  cbucks  ber  avay,  und  says,  "Don'd  you  toucb  me,  uf 
you  please,  you  deceitfulness  gal."  I  dold  you  vot  it  is, 
dot  looks  ruff  for  dot  poor  gal.  Und  sbe  is  extouisbed, 
uud  says,  "Yot  is  dis  aboud  dot?"  Und  liudolpb,  orful 
mad,  says,  "  Got  oudsiedt,  you  ignomonous  vooman."  Und 
sbo  feels  so  orful  sbe  coodent  said  a  vord,  und  sbe  goes 
oud. 

Afterwards,  lludolph  gits  married  to  anoder  gal  in  a 
sburcb.  Veil,  Leab,  wlio  i.s  vandcriug  eferyveres,  bajjpens 
to  go  in  dot  .sburcbyard  to  ciy,  cbust  at  de  same  dime  of 
Rudolpb's  marriage,  vicb  sbe  don'd  know  somedlng  aboud. 
Putty  soon  sbe  bears  de  organ,  und  sbe  says  dere  is  some 
beeples  gitten  married,  und  dot  it  vill  do  her  unbappiness 
goot  if  sbe  sees  dot.  So  sbe  looks  in  de  vinder,  und  von 
sbe  sees  wbo  dot  is,  my  graciousness,  don'd  sbe  boiler,  und 
shvears  vengeance.  Putty  soon  Rudolph  chumps  oud  indo 
der  sburcbyard  to  ^'ot  some  air.  Ho  says  bo  don'd  feel 
putty  good.  Putty  soon  dey  see  each  oder,  und  dcy  bad  a 
orful  dime.  He  says  of  ber,  *'  Leab,  bow  is  dot  you  been 
here?"  Und  sbe  says  mit  big  scornfulness,  "Got  oud  of 
dot,  you  beat.  How  is  dot,  you  got  cbcek  to  talk  of  mo 
afdur  dot  vitch  you  bafe  done."  Den  lie  says,  "  Yell,  vot 
for  you  (look  dot  gold,  you  false-bearded  leetle  gal  ?"  und 
she  says,  "Vot gold  is  dot?  I  didn't  dook  some  gold." 
Und  bo  says,  "  Don'd  you  dold  a  lie  aboud  dot  I"    Sbe  say.s 


54  SCHNEIDER  SEES  LEAH 

slowfiilly,  ''  I  told  you  I  didn't  dooli  some  gold.  Vot  gold 
is  dot  V  Und  deu  Rudolph  tells  her  all  aboud  dot,  und 
she  says,  "  Dot  is  a  orful  lie.  I  didn't  seen  some  gold ;" 
und  she  adds  mit  much  sarkasmuess,  "Und  you  beliefed  I 
dook  dot  gold.  Dot's  de  vorst  I  efer  heered.  Now,  on  ac- 
cound  of  dot,  I  vill  gif  you  a  few  gurses."  Und  den  she 
svears  mit  orful  voices  dot  Mister  Kain's  gurse  should  git 
on  him,  und  dot  he  coodent  never  git  any  happiness  efery- 
vere,  no  matter  vere  he  is.  Den  she  valks  off.  Veil,  den 
a  long  dime  passes  avay,  und  deu  you  see  Rudolph's  farm. 
He  has  got  a  nice  vife,  und  a  putiful  leetle  child.  Purty 
soon  Leah  comes  in,  being  shased,  as  ushual,  by  fellers 
mit  shticks.  She  looks  like  she  didn't  ead  someding  for 
two  monds.  Rudolph's  vife  sends  off  dot  mop,  und  Leah 
gits  avay  again.  Den  dot  nice  leedle  child  comes  oud,  und 
Leah  comes  back ;  und  veu  she  sees  dot  child,  don'd  she 
feel  orful  aboud  dot,  und  she  says  mit  affectfulness,  "  Come 
here,  leedle  child,  I  voodn'd  harm  you  ;"  und  dot  nice  lee- 
dle child  goes  righd  up,  und  Leah  chumps  on  her,  und 
grabs  her  in  her  arms,  und  gries,  und  kisses  her.  Oh  !  ray 
graciousness,  don'd  shg  gry  aboud  dot.  You  got  to  blow 
your  noses  righd  avay.  I  vant  to  dold  you  vat  it  is,  dot 
looks  pully. 

Und  den  she  says  vile  she  gries,  "  Leedle  childs,  don'd 
you  got  some  names  ?"  Und  dot  leedle  child  shpeaks  oud 
so  nice,  pless  her  leedle  hard,  und  says,  "  Oh  !  yes.  My 
name  dot's  Leah,  und  my  papa  tells  me  dot  I  shall  pray 
for  you  efery  nighd."  Oh  !  my  goodnessness,  don'd  Leah 
gry  orful  ven  she  hears  dot.  I  dold  you  vat  it  is,  dot's  a 
shplaindid  ding.  Und  quick  comes  dem  tears  in  your  eyes, 
und  you  look  up  ad  de  vail,  so  dot  noboby  can'd  see  dot, 
und  you  make  oud  you  don'd  care  aboud  it.  But  your  eyes 
gits  fulled  up'  so  quick  dot  you  couldn'd  keep  dem  in,  und 
de  tears  comes  down  of  your  face  like  a  shnow  storm,  und 
den  you  don'd  care  a  tarn  if  efery  body  sees  dot.  Und 
Leah  kisses  her  und  gries  like  dot  her  heart's  broke,  und 


CALDWELL  OF  SPRTN'GFIELD.  55 

she  dooks  off  dot  gurse  from  Rudolph  und  goes  avay.  Do 
child  den  dell  her  fader  und  muder  aboud  dot,  und  dey  pring 
her  back.  Den  dot  mop  comes  back  und  vill  kill  her  again 
but  she  exposes  dot  skoolmaster,  dot  villain,  und  dot  fixes 
him.  Den  she  falls  down  in  Rudolph's  arms,  und  your 
eyes  gits  fulled  up  again,  und  you  can'd  sec  someding  more. 
I  like  to  haf  as  many  glasses  of  beer  as  dere  is  gryin  chust 
now.  You  couldn't  help  dot  any  vay.  Und  if  I  see  a  gal 
vot  don'd  gry  in  dot  piece,  I  voodn't  marry  dot  gal,  efen  if 
her  fader  owned  a  pig  prewery.  Und  if  I  see  a  feller  vot 
don'd  gry,  I  voodn't  duok  a  trink  of  lager  bier  mit  him. 
Veil,  afder  do  piece  is  oud,  you  feel  so  bad,  und  so  goot, 
dot  you  must  ead  a  few  pieces  of  hot  stutfdo  drife  avny  der 
plues.  But  I  told  you  vat  it  is,  dot's  a  pully  piece,  I  baed 
you,  don'd  it  ? 


CALDWELL  OF  SPRINGFIELD. 


KKET   JIAETH. 


Here's  the  spot.     Look  around  you.     Above,  on  the  height, 
Lay  the  Hessians  encamped.     By  that  church  on  the  right 
Stood  the  gaunt  Jersey  farmers.     Aud  ^ere  ran  a  wall — 
You  ma\''  dig  anywhere  aud  you'll  turn  up  a  ball. 
Xothiug  more.     Grasses  spring,  waters  run,  flowers  blow, 
Pretty  much  as  they  did  ninety-three  years  ago. 

Xothiug  more,  did  I  f-ay  7     Sta}',  one  moment;   you're  heard 

Of  Caldwell,  the  parson,  who  once  preached  the  "Word 

J^own  at  Springfield  T  "What !  no  t  Come,  that's  bad  ;  whj-  he  had 

All  the  Jerseys  aflame  !  and  they  gave  him  the  name 

Of  "  the  rebel  high  priest."     Ho  stuck  in  their  gorge, 

For  ho  loved  the  Lord  God,  aud  ho  hated  King  George  ! 

Hehml  cause,  3'ou  might  any  !     "When  the  Hessians  tliat  day 
Marched  up  with  Knypliausen,  Uw.y  stopped  on  then-  wa}' 
At  the  "  I'^irms,"  wliere  his  wife,  with  a  child  in  lier  arms, 
Sat  alone  in  the  house.     How  it  happened,  none  kucw 
Piiit  God,  and  that  one  of  the  liireling  crew 
"Wlio  fired  the  shut.     Kiiough  !  there  she  lay, 
And  Caldwell,  the  chaplain,  her  husband,  away! 


56  AIITEMUS   ^VAKD'S   TAXORAMA. 

Did  he  preach— did  he  pray  ?     Think  of  him,  as  you  stand 
By  the  old  church,  to-day  ;  think  of  him,  and  that  hand 
Of  militant  plowboys !     See  the  smoke  and  the  heat 
Of  that  reckless  advance— of  that  straggling  retreat ! 
Eeep  the  ghost  of  that  wife,  foully  slain,  in  your  view— 
And  what  could  you,  what  should  you,  what  would  you  do  ? 

Why,  just  what  he  did !     They  were  left  in  the  lurch 
For  the  want  of  more  wadding.     He  ran  to  the  church. 
Broke  the  door,  stripped  the  pews,  and  dashed  out  in  the  road 
A7ith  his  arms  full  of  hymn-books,  and  threw  down  his  load 
At  their  feet !     Then,  above  all  the  shouting  and  shots, 
Kang  his  voice—"  Put  Watts  into  'em,  boys  !  give  'em  Watts  ! 

And  they  did.     That  is  all.     Grasses  spring,  flowers  blow, 
Pretty  much  as  they  did  ninety-three  years  ago. 
You  may  dig  anywhere  and  turn  up  a  ball. 
But  not  always  a  hero  like  this— and  that's  all. 


ARTE^IUS  WARD'S    PANORAMA— ''AMONG  THE 
MORMONS." 


A.RTK3IU3   WAQD. 


Ladies  aud  Gentlemen  :  Should  you  be  dissatisfied  with 
anything  here  to-night,  I  will  admit  you  all  free  when  I 
show  in  New  Zealand — if  you  will  ccyne  to  me  there  fur  the 
])asses. 

I  am  not  an  artist.  I  doa't  paint  myself,  though  per- 
haps if  I  were  a  middle-aged  single  lady  of  some  furty-flve 
summers,  I  should ;  yet  I  have  a  passion  for  pictures.  I 
have  had  a  great  many  pictures— photographs— taken  of 
myself.  Some  of  them  are  very  pretty— rather  sweet  to 
look  at— for  a  short  time — and  wear  a  look  of  moral  tur- 
.peutine  that  is  worth  an  independent  fortune  to  me.  I 
have  an  uncle  who  takes  photographs,  and  I  have  a  ser- 
vant who— takes  anything  he  can  get  his  hands  on.  I  once 
undertook  to  be  a  sculptor— and  was  often  two  weeks  on  a 
bust— but  finding  it  wearing  upon  me,  I  gave  it  up. 


AKTEMUS   WAKD'S   PAXOKAMA.  57 

I  like  music— I  can't  siug.  As  a  siDgist  I  am  uot  a  suc- 
cess. I  am  saddest  when  I  slug— so  are  tliose  wlio  hear 
me. 

Tliis  picture  is  a  great  ^York  of  art.  It  is  an  oil-painting 
painted  in  oil— done  in  petroleum.  It  is  by  the  Old  Mas- 
ters. It  Avas  the  last  thing  they  did  before  dying.  They 
did  this  and  then  expired.  Some  of  the  greatest  artists  in 
New  York  come  here  every  morning  before  daylight,  with 
lanterns,  to  look  at  it.  Some  say  they  never  saw  anything 
like  it  before— others,  going  farther,  say  they  hope  they 
never  may  again.  When  I  first  exhibited  this  picture  in 
New  York,  the  audience  were  so  enthusiastic  in  their  ad- 
miration, that  they  called  for  the  artist— and  when  he  ap- 
peared, they— threw— things— at  him. 

Owing  to  a  slight  indisposition  we  will  now  have  an  in- 
termission of  fifteen  minutes.  But,  ah— during  the  inter- 
mission I  will  go  on  with  my  lecture ! 

This  benevolent  looking  old  gentleman  you  sec  in  the 
foreground  is  second  in  authority  to  Brigham  Young.  One 
day  ho  came  to  me  with  tears  in  his  eyes.  I  said :  "  Why 
this  thusness?  Why  these  weeps  V>  He  told  me  he  had  a 
mortgage  on  his  farm— and  wanted  to  borrow  $1,000.  I 
lent  him  the  money— and  he  went  away.  Some  time  after 
he  returned  with  more  weeps.  He  said  he  must  leave  mo 
forever.  I  ventured  to  remind  him  of  tlie  money  he  had 
borrowed.  He  was  much  cut  up.  I  thought  I  would  not 
be  bard  upon  him,  so  told  him  I  would  throw  up  $500. 
lie  brightened— shook  myhand-and  said— "  Old  friend, 
1  won't  allow  you  to  outdo  me  in  generosity— I  will  throw 
up  the  other  five  hundred." 

This  building  on  the  rigiit  is  the  Mormon  theatre,  and  it 
was  here  I  made  my  first  appearance  as  an  actor— and 
made  the  great  hit  of  my  life.  I  wish  you  could  have  seen 
me — I  have  a  fine  education —you  may  have  noticed  it - 
and  chew  tobacco  in  fourteen  diflerent  languages.  The 
play  was  the  "  Ruins  of  Pompeii"— I  played  the  Kuins.     I 


58  SOPtKOArFTTL   TALE    OF   A   SERVANT   GIRL. 

rashly  gave  a  leading  Mormou  an  order  admitting  himself 
and  family. — I  knew  he  was  married — but  did  not  know  he 
was  so  much  married — he  brought  84  wives  and  987  chil- 
dren— and  they  filled  the  room  to  overflowing.  It  was  a 
great  success — but  no  money.  The  next  night  we  played 
the  beautiful  domestic  tragedy  of  Eomeo  and  Juliet — but 
it  did  not  go  down.  The  audience  thought  it  made  alto- 
gether too  much  fuss  over  one  woman.  The  third  night  I 
played  Romeo  to  15  Juliets  and  it  went  down  very  well. 

These  animals  that  look  like  rocks — are  horses.  I  know 
they  are,  because  my  artist  says  so.  For  two  years  before 
I  discovered  this  fact  I  exhibited  them  as  cows.  The  art- 
ist came  to  me  about  six  months  ago,  and  said,  "  It  is  use- 
less to  disguise  it  from  you  any  longer — they  are  horses." 
In  painting  them  he  fractured  his  right  trachea,  which 
brought  on  an  attack  of — new-mown  hay. 

This  road  which  you  see,  leading  over  the  mountains,  is 
one  thousand  miles  in  length — I  traveled  the  whole  distance 
in  a  stage-coach,  but  am  happy  to  state  that  since  that 
time  a  railroad  has  been  built.  The  length  of  the  railroad 
is  ten  miles — thus  leaving  only  nine  hundred  and  ninety 
miles  to  be  traveled  by  stage — which  breaks  the  monotony 
of  the  journey. 

SOEROWFUL  TALE  OF   A  SERVANT  GIRL. 

JOUN    guILL. 

Mary  Ann  was  a  hired  girl. 

She  was  called  "hired,"  chiefly  because  she  always  ob- 
jected to  having  her  wages  lowered. 

Mary  Ann  was  of  foreign  extraction,  and  she  said  she 
was  descended  from  a  line  of  kings.  But  nobody  ever  saw 
her  descend,  although  they  admitted  that  there  must  have 
been  a  great  descent  from  a  king  to  Mary  Ann. 

And  Mary  Ann  never  had  any  father  and  mother.  As 
far  as  it  could  be  ascertained,  she  was  spontaneously  born 
in  an  intelligence  office. 


SORKONrFUL  TALE   OF  A  SERVAXT  GIRL.  59 

It  was  called  an  intelligence  office  because  there  was  no 
intelligence  about  it,  excepting  an  intelligent  way  they 
had  of  chiseling  you  out  of  two-dollar  bills. 

The  early  youth  of  Mary  Ann  was  passed  in  advertising 
for  a  place,  and  in  sitting  on  a  hard  bench,  dressed  in  a 
bonnet  and  speckled  shawl  and  three-ply  carpeting,  suck- 
ing the  end  of  a  parasol. 

Her  nose  began  well,  and  had  evidently  been  conceived 
in  an  artistic  spirit,  but  there  seemed  not  to  have  been 
stuflf  enough,  as  it  was  left  half  finished,  and  knocked  up- 
wards at  the  end. 

She  said  she  would  never  live  anywhere  where  they 
didii't  have  Brussels  carpet  in  the  kitchen,  and  a  family 
that  would  take  her  to  the  sea-shore  in  summer.  And  as 
she  knew  absolutely  nothing,  she  said  she  must  have  five 
dollars  a  week  as  a  slight  compeusation  for  having  to  take 
the  trouble  to  learn. 

Mary  Ann  was  eccentric,  and  she  would  often  boil  her 
stockings  in  the  tea-kettle,  and  wipe  the  dishes  with  her 
calico  frock. 

Her  brother  was  a  bricklayer,  and  he  used  to  send  her 
letters  sealed  up  with  a  dab  of  mortar,  and  it  was  thus, 
perhaps,  she  conceived  the  idea  that  hair  was  a  good  thing 
to  mix  in  to  hold  things  together,  and  so  she  always  intro- 
duced some  of  her  own  into  the  biscuit. 

But  Mary  Ann  was  fond — yes,  passionately  fond— of 
work.  So  much  did  she  love  it  that  she  dilly-dallied  with 
it,  and  seemed  to  hate  to  get  it  done.  She  was  often  very 
much  absorbed  in  her  work.  In  fact,  she  was  an  absorb- 
ing person,  and  many  other  things  were  absorbed  besides 
Mary  Ami.  Butter,  beef,  and  eggs,  were  all  absorbed, 
and  nobody  ever  knew  where  they  wont  to. 

And  whenever  Mary  Ann  had  to  make  boned  turkey, 
she  used  to  bone  the  turkey  so  eftectually  that  nobody 
could  tell  what  had  become  of  it. 

And  if  she  bo  much  as  laid  her  little  flnger  on  a  saucer, 


GO  SORROTVri'L   TALE   OF   A  SERVANT   GinL. 

that  identical  saucer  would  iinuiediately  fall  ou  the  floor 
and  be  shattered  to  atoms. 

But  Mary  Ann  would  merely  say  that  if  the  attraction  of 
gravitation  was  very  powerful  in  that  spot  she  was  not  to 
blame  for  it,  for  she  bad  no  control  over  the  laws  of  na- 
ture. 

Uncles  seem  to  have  been  one  of  Mary  Ann's  weaknesses; 
for  she  bad  some  twenty  or  thirty  cousins,  all  males,  who 
came  to  see  her  every  night,  and  there  was  a  mysterious 
and  inexplicable  connection  between  their  visits  and  the 
condition  of  the  pantry,  which  nobody  could  explain.  There 
was  something  shadowy  and  obscure  about  it,  for  when- 
ever Mary's  cousins  came,  there  was  always  a  fading  away 
in  the  sugar-box,  and  low  tide  in  the  flour-barrel.  It  was 
strange — but  true. 

Mary  Ann  was  troubled  with  absence  of  mind,  but  this 
was  not  as  strong  a  suit  with  her  as  absence  of  body,  for 
her  Sunday  out  used  to  come  twice  a  week,  and  sometimes 
three  times  a  week. 

But  she  always  went  to  church,  she  said,  and  she  thought 
it  was  right  to  neglect  her  work  for  her  faith,  for  she  be- 
lieved that  faith  was  better  than  works. 

But  if  the  beginning  of  Mary  Ann  was  strange,  how  ex- 
traordinary was  her  ending !  She  never  died — Mary  Ann 
was  not  one  of  your  perishable  kind.  But  she  suddeuly 
disappeared.  One  day  she  was  there  full  of  life  and  spirits 
and  hope  and  cooking  wine,  and  the  next  day  she  wasn't, 
and  the  place  that  once  knew  her  knew  her  no  more. 

Where  she  went  to,  how  she  went,  by  what  means  she 
went,  no  one  could  tell ;  but  it  was  regarded  as  a  singular 
coincidence  that  eight  napkins,  a  soup-ladle,  five  silver 
spoons,  a  bonnet,  two  dresses,  two  ear-rings,  and  a  lot  of 
valuable  green-backs  melted  away  at  the  same  time,  and 
it  is  supposed  that  the  person  who  stole  Mary  Ana  away 
must  have  captured  these  also. 


HOTV  A   FREXCHMAX   EXTERTArSTED   JOHX   BULL.      61 

HOW  A  FRENCHMAN  ENTERTAINED  JOHN  BULL. 
In  years  by-gone,  before  tbe  fiimous  Rockaway  Pavilion 
'svas  built,  tbe  Half-way-House,  at  Jamaica,  Long  Island, 
used  to  be  filled  witb  travelers  to  tbe  sea-sbore,  wbo  put 
up  tbere,  and  visited  tbe  beacb  eitber  in  tbeir  own  or  in 
hired  vebiclcs,  during  tbe  day.  One  warm  summer  even- 
ing, wbeu  tbe  bouse  was  unusually  crowded,  an  English- 
man rode  up  in  a  gig,  and  asked  for  accommodation  for 
the  night.  Tbe  landlord  replied  that  all  his  rooms  were 
taken,  and  all  his  beds,  except  one,  which  was  in  a  suite 
of  rooms  occupied  by  a  French  gentleman.  ''  If  you  and 
Monsieur  can  agree  to  room  together,"  said  tbe  landlord, 
"  tbere  is  an  excellent  vacant  bed  tbere." 

The  traveler  replied,  "  No,  I  cannot  sleep  in  tbe  same 
room  with  a  devil  of  a  Frenchman,"  andofl"  be  rode  with 
all  the  gruin  looks  of  a  real  John  Bull. 

In  about  half  an  hour,  however,  he  came  back,  saying 
that  as  he  could  find  no  other  lodgings,  be  believed  he 
would  have  to  accept  tbe  Frenchman  as  a  room-mate. 
Meantime  his  first  ill-natured  remark  had  somehow  reached 
the  French  gentleman's  ears,  and  ho  resolved  to  pay  off 
Johnny  in  his  own  coin. 

On  being  shown  to  tbe  apartment,  the  Englishman 
stalked  in  in  liis  accustomed  haughty  mnniier,  while  the 
Frenchman,  as  is  usuiil  with  bis  nation,  rose  and  received 
him  with  smiles  and  bows — in  short,  he  was  more  i)recisely 
polite  than  usual — sarcastically  so,  a  keen  observer  would 
have  thought.  Not  a  word  passed  between  tlic  two,  but 
soon  the  Englishman  gave  a  pull  at  tbe  bell-cord.  The 
Frenchman  quietly  rose  from  his  seat  and  gave  the  string 
two  pulls.  On  the  apjjcarance  of  the  waiter,  Bull  said — 
"Waiter,  I  want  supper;  order  mo  a  beefsteak  and  a 
cup  of  tea." 

The  Frenchman  instantly  said — "Valaire,  ordairc  two 
cup  tea  and  two  bifstcak ;  I  vant  two  suppaire  !" 


62      now   A   FKENCHMAN   ENTEKTAINED  JOHN   BULL. 

Bull  Started  and  looked  gnim,  but  said  nothing.  The 
Frenchman  elevated  his  eyebrows,  and  took  a  huge  pinch 
of  snuff.  When  supper  was  ready,  the  two  sat  down,  and 
ate  for  a  while  in  silence,  when  the  Englishman  said — 

"  Waiter,  bring  me  a  bottle  of  Burgundy." 

The  waiter  started  oil  his  errand,  but  before  reaching 
the  door,  the  Frenchman  called  to  him — ''  Vataire,  come 
back  here !  you  bring  me  two  bottle  Burgundy." 

Bull  knit  his  brows  ;  Monsieur  •  elevated  his,  shrugged 
his  shoulders,  and  took  another  pinch  of  snuff.  The  wine 
was  brought,  and  while  quafiQng  it,  the  Englishman  said — 

"Waiter,  bring  me  an  apple-tart,  and  a  what  d'ye  call 
it,  there — a  Charlotte  de  Russe." 

Monsieur  then  called  to  the  waiter — "  Bring  me  two  of 
de  apple  tart,  and  two  vat  de  diable  you  call  him — Sh-Sh- 
Sharlie-de-Ross." 

Bull's  patience  was  now  exhausted,  and  before  the  last 
order  could  be  executed,  he  started  from  his  seat  and  rung 
the  bell.  The  Frenchman  went  to  the  string  and  gave  it 
two  violent  piills.  The  waiter  (who  was  almost  convulsed 
with  laughter)  came  hurrying  back,  when  Bull  roared  out, 

"  Waiter,  never  mind  the  Charlotte-de-Russe ;  bring  me 
up  a  boot-jack  and  a  pair  of  slippers." 

The  Frenchman  responded — "  Vataire,  you  no  mind  to 
bring  two  of  de  Sharlie-de-Ross,  but  you  bring  two  slip- 
paire,  and  two  shack-boot." 

Before  there  was  time  to  bring  these  articles,  Bull  had 
thoroughly  lost  his  temper,  and  when  the  waiter  appeared 
with  them,  he  thundered  out — 

"  Waiter,  bring  me  a  candle  ;  and  if  you  have  no  room 
in  the  house  with  a  bed  in  it,  besides  this,  show  me  a  set- 
tee, or  a  lounge,  or  a  couple  of  chairs,  or,  in  short,  any 
place  where  I  can  rest  in  peace  by  myself." 
■  Monsieur  instantly  called  out — "Stop,  vataire  ;  you  sail 
bring  me  two  candle,  and  if  you  have  no  room  with  two 
bed  in  him,  you  sail  bring  mo  two  lounge,  two  settee,  and 
two  chair !  by  gar,  I  vill  rest  in  two  pieces  !" 


TIAilOKUTS   ON  DER   TRAIN.  63 

Bull  could  Stand  it  no  longer.  He  kicked  the  boot-jack 
out  of  the  way  and  made  a  rush  for  the  door,  banged  his 
liead  in  an  attempt  to  open  it,  ran  against  the  waiter  at 
the  head  of  the  stairs,  when  both  tumbled  to  the  bottom, 
darted  into  the  bar-room,  paid  his  bill,  and  ordered  up  his 
horse  and  gig,  swearing  he  would  never  sleep  in  the  house 
with  a  mad  Frenchman. 


TIAMONDTS  ON  DER  PRAIX. 

Hans  gcebs  a  millinery  shtore  py  Shtate  shtreet 

out,  und  vas  hereditary  on  der  soopject  of  dhem  tiamondts. 
Ofer  a  mans  comes  on  his  hause  mit  shooelry  of  efory  kindts, 
Hans  vas  got  some  affecktions  about  him.  Yon  tay  dhere 
comes  py  his  pblace  von  Mister  Shraid.  Now,  dot  shen- 
dlemans  vears  py  his  bosom  a  tiamondt  bin,  und  von  of  der 
bulliest  kiudt.  Hans  shpcaks  mit  him  und  says:  ''Veil, 
Mister  Shmid,  how  you  vas  ?  Dot  ish  a  nice  tay  pehindt 
noon,  Mister  Shmid."  "Yah,  Hans;  id  vas  .shure  a  goot 
tay."  "Youdondvas  pooty  goot  lookin  to-day,  Mister 
Shmid.  You  got  some  mellougholly.  Aind  itf  Yat  ish 
der  tifficuldy  f"  "Yell,  Hans,  dot  ish  recht.  I  have  some 
mellongholly  py  me.  No  longer  as  von  veek  ago  mine  sis- 
ter she  vas  dook  sick  und  died,  und  now  I  got  some  sad 
indelligcnce  dot  mine  mudder  she  vas  on  her  death-ped." 
"  Ish  dot  so,  Mister  Shmid  ?  Yell,  I  dhruly  sympadises 
mit  you.  Some  dime  ago  mine  brodder  vas  gone  died,  und 
I  feel  fory  pad  now.  I  yoost  got  some  iiidolligences,  too, 
dot  mine  leetle  cousin  vas  been  dofjkin  sick  und  vood  die. 
I  hifes  dot  leedlo  cousin  und  dot  cousin  lofes  me,  und  efcry 
time  vhcn  I  goes  me  of  her  hause,  vben  der  uite  he  vas 
comes,  she  says  of  me,  "  Goot  naclit,  cousin  Hans,  und  dlien 
goes  on  der  fbloor,  py  her  petsido,  und,  mit  her  leedlo 
hands  togodder,  slie  brays  to  der  Gicat  Got  Almiglidy, — 
Ish  dot  a  tiamoudt  you  vcar  on  your  bosom,  Mister  Shmid  f" 


64  KIXG  ROBERT  OF   SICILY. 


KING  ROBERT  OF  SICILY. 

KEAD  BY  J.  M.  BELLEW.  H.  w.  Longfellow. 

Robert  of  Sicily,  brother  of  Pope  Urbane 
And  Yalmond,  Emperor  of  Allemaine, 
Appareled  in  magnificent  attire, 
With  retinue  of  many  a  knight  and  squire, 
On  St.  John's  eve,  at  vespers,  proudly  sat 
And  heard  the  priests  chant  the  Magnificat. 
And  as  he  listened,  o'er  and  o'er  again 
Repeated,  like  a  burden  or  refrain, 
He  caught  the  Tvords,  "  Dejwsuit  potcntes 
Be  sede,  et  exaltavit  h untiles  ;" 
And  slowly  lifting  up  his  kingly  head. 
He  to  a  learned  clerk  beside  him  said, 
"  What  mean  those  words  ?"  The  clerk  made  answer  meet, 
"  He  has  put  down  th«  mighty  from  their  seat, 
And  has  exalted  them  of  low  degree." 
Thereat  King  Robert  muttered  scornfully, 
"'Tis  well  that  such  seditious  words  are  sung 
Only  by  priests,  and  in  the  Latin  tongue ; 
For  unto  priests  and  people  be  it  known, 
There  is  no  power  can  push  me  from  my  throne !" 
And  leaning  back,  he  yawned  and  fell  asleep. 
Lulled  by  the  chant  monotonous  and  deep. 

When  he  awoke,  it  was  already  night ; 

The  church  was  empty,  and  there  was  no  light, 

Save  where  the  lamps  that  glimmered,  few  and  faint. 

Lighted  a  little  space  before  some  saint. 

He  started  from  his  seat  and  gazed  around, 

But  saw  no  living  thing  and  heard  no  sound. 

He  groped  towards  the  door,  but  it  was  locked ; 

He  cried  aloud,  and  listened,  and  then  knocked. 

And  uttered  awful  threatenings  and  complaints. 

And  imprecations  upon  men  and  saints. 

The  sounds  re-echoed  from  the  roof  and  walls 

As  if  dead  priests  were  laughing  in  their  stalls. 


KING   KOBEKT   OF   SICILY.  65 

At  length  the  sexton,  heai-ing  from  ■without 
The  tumult  of  the  knocking  and  the  shout, 
And  thinking  thieves  were  in  the  house  of  prayer, 
Came  vrith  his  lantern,  asking,  "  Who  is  there  ?" 
Half  choked  -with  rage,  King  Robert  fiercely  said, 

"  Open  ;  'tis  I,  the  King !     Art  thou  afraid  ?" 
The  frightened  sexton,  muttering  with  a  curse, 

"This  is  some  drunken  vagabond,  or  worse  !" 
Turned  the  great  key  and  flung  the  portal  wide ; 
A  man  rushed  by  him  at  a  single  stride. 
Haggard,  half  naked,  without  hat  or  cloak, 
"Who  neither  turned,  nor  looked  at  him,  nor  spoko. 
But  leaped  into  the  blackness  of  the  night. 
And  vanished  like  a  spectre  from  his  sight. 

Robert  of  Sicily,  brother  of  Pope  Urbane 

And  Yalmond,  Emperor  of  AUeniaiue, 

Despoiled  of  his  magnificent  attire. 

Bare-headed,  breathless,  and  besprent  with  mire, 

With  sense  of  wrong  and  outrage  desperate. 

Strode  on  and  thundered  at  the  palace  gate; 

Rushed  through  the  court-yard,  thrusting  in  his  rage 

To  right  and  left  each  seneschal  and  page, 

And  hurried  up  the  broad  and  sounding  stair. 

His  white  face  ghastly  in  the  torches'  glare. 

From  hall  to  hall  he  passed  with  breathless  speed  ; 

Voices  and  cries  he  heard,  l)ut  did  not  heed. 

Until  at  last  he  reached  the  banquet-room, 

Bla/ing  with  light,  and  breathing  with  perfume. 

There  <m  the  dais  sat  another  king. 

Wearing  his  robes,  his  crown,  his  signet-ring — 

King  ]tol)ert's  self  in  features,  form,  and  height, 

But  all  transfigured  with  angelic  light ! 

It  was  an  angel ;  and  liis  presence  there 

With  a  divine  eflulgenco  filled  the  air, 

An  exaltation,  piercing  the  disguise, 

Though  none  the  hidden  angel  recognize. 

A  inr»ment  speechless,  motionless,  amazed. 
The  thronelcHH  ni(niarch  on  the  angel  gazed, 
Wlio  met  his  looks  of  anger  and  surprise 


66  KING  EGBERT  OF  SICILY.' 

With  the  divine  compassion  of  his  eyes  ! 

Then  said,  "  Who  art  thou  and  why  com'st  thou  here  ?" 

To  which  Kiug  Kobert  answered  with  a  sneer, 

"  I  am  the  king,  and  come. to  claim  my  own 
From  an  impostor,  who  usurps  my  throne !" 
And  suddenly,  at  these  audacious  words, 
Tip  sprang  the  angry  guests,  and  drew  their  swords ; 
The  angel  answered,  with  unruffled  brow, 

"  'Nay,  not  the  king,  but  the  king's  jester  ;  thou 
Henceforth  shalt  wear  the  bells  and  scalloped  cape, 
And  for  thy  counselor  shalt  lead  an  ape; 
Thou  shalt  obey  my  servants  when  they  call, 
And  wfiit  upon  my  henchmen  in  the  hall !" 

Deaf  to  King  Eobert's  threats  and  cries  and  prayers, 
They  thrust  him  from  the  hall  and  down  the  stairs ; 
A  group  of  tittering  pages  ran  before, 
And  as  they  opened  wide  the  folding-door. 
His  heart  failed,  for  he  heard,  with  strange  alarms. 
The  boisterous  laughter  of  the  men-at-arms. 
And  all  the  vaulted  chamber  roar  and  ring 
•^     With  the  mock  plaudits  of  "  Long  live  the  King !" 
Next  morning,  waking  with  the  day's  first  beam, 
He  said  within  himself,  "  It  was  a  dream  !" 
But  the  straw  rustled  as  he  turned  his  head, 
There  were  the  cape  and  bells  beside  his  bed ; 
Around  him  rose  the  bare,  discolored  walls, 
Close  by  the  steeds  were  champing  in  their  stalls, 
And  in  the  corner,  a  revolting  shape, 
Shivering  and  chattering,  sat  the  wretched  ape. 
It  was  no  dream  ;  the  world  he  loved  so  much 
Had  turned  to  dust  and  ashes  at  his  touch  ! 

Days  came  and  went ;  and  now  returned  again 

To  Sicily  the  old  Saturnian  reign  ; 

Under  the  angel's  governance  benign 

The  happy  island  danced  with  corn  and  wine. 

Meanwhile  King  Robert  yielded  to  his  fate. 

Sullen  and  silent  and  disconsolate. 

Dressed  in  the  motley  garb  that  jesters  wear, 


KIXG   EGBERT    OF   SICILT.  67 

"With  looks  be"wildered,  and  a  vacant  stare, 
Close  shaven  above  the  ears,  as  monks  are  shorn, 
By  courtiers  mocked,  by  pages  laughed  to  scorn, 
His  only  friend  the  ape,  his  only  food 
■Wliat  others  left — he  still  was  unsubdued. 
And  when  the  angel  met  him  on  his  way, 
And  half  in  earnest,  half  in  jest,  would  say, 
Sternly,  though  tenderly,  that  he  might  feel 
The  velvet  scabbard  held  a  sword  of  steel, 
"Art  thou  the  king  ?"  the  passion  of  his  woe 
Burst  fi'om  him  in  resistless  overflow. 
And  lifting  high  his  forehead,  he  would  fling 
The  haughty  answer  back,  "  I  am,  I  am  the  king!" 

Almost  three  years  were  ended,  when  there  came 
Ambassadors  of  great  repute  and  name 
From  Yalmond,  Emperor  of  Allemaine, 
Unto  King  Robert,  saying  that  Pope  TTrbane 
By  letter  suiumoned  them  forthwitli  to  como 
On  Hoi}'  Thursday  to  his  city  of  lloiiie. 
The  angel  journeyed  with  them  o'er  the  sea 
Into  the  lovely  laud  of  Italy. 

And  lo  !  among  the  menials,  in  mock  state, 

Upon  a  piebakl  steed,  with  shambling  gait. 

His  cloak  of  foxtails  flapping  in  the  wind, 

The  solemn  ape  demurely  perched  behind 

King  Robert  rode,  making  huge  merriment 

In  all  the  countr}'  towns  through  Avhich  they  went. 

The  Piipe  received  them  with  great  pomp,  and  blara 
Of  bannered  trumpets,  on  St.  Peter's  Square, 
Giving  his  bencdicti<m  and  embrace. 
Fervent,  and  full  of  apostolic  grace. 
"While  with  congratulations  and  with  prayers 
He  entertained  tlic  angel  unawares, 
Robert,  the  Jester,  bursting  through  the  crowd, 
Into  their  presence  rushed,  and  cried  aloud  : 
"I  am  the  king  !     Look  ami  bchitld  in  mo 
Robert,  your  brother.  King  of  Sicily  ! 
This  man,  who  wears  my  scnililanco  to  your  cycB, 


6.8  EIXG  TvOBERT  OF  SICILY. 

Irt  an  impostor  iu  a  king's  disguise. 

Do  you  not  know  me  ?    Does  no  voice  within 

Answer  my  cry,  and  say  we  are  akin  ?" 

Tlie  Pope  in  silence,  but  with  troubled  mien, 

Gazed  at  the  angel's  countenance  serene  , 

The  Emperor,  laughing,  said,  '•  It  is  strange  sport 

To  keep  a  madman  for  thy  fool  at  court!" 

And  the  poor,  baffled  jester,  in  disgrace 

Was  hustled  back  among  the  populace. 

In  solemn  state  the  holy  week  went  by, 

And  Easter  Sunday  gleamed  upon  the  sky; 

The  presence  of  an  augel,  with  its  light, 

Before  the  sun  rose,  made  the  city  bright, 

And  with  new  fervor  filled  the  hearts  of  men, 

"Who  felt  that  Christ  indeed  had  risen  again. 

Even  the  jester,  on  his  bed  of  straw, 

"With  haggard  eyes  the  unwonted  splendor  saw; 

He  felt  within,  a  power  unfelt  before. 

And,  kneeling  humbly  on  his  chamber  floor, 

He  heard  the  nishing  garments  of  the  Lord 

Sweep  through  the  silent  air,  ascending  heavenward. 

And  now  the  visit  ending,  and  once  more 
Valmond  returning  to  the  Danube's  shore, 
Homeward  the  angel  journeyed,  and  again 
The  land  was  made  resplendent  with  his  train. 
And  when  once  more  within  Palermo's  wall, 
And,  seated  on  his  throne  in  his  great  hall. 
He  heard  the  Angelus  from  convent  towers, 
As  if  tlie  better  world  conversed  with  ours. 
He  beckoned  to  Eing  Eobert  to  draw  nigher. 
And  with  a  gesture  bade  the  rest  retire. 
And  when  they  were  alone,  the  angel  said, 
"  Art  thou  the  king  ?"    Then  bowing  down  his  head, 
King  Robert  crossed  both  hands  upon  his  breast. 
And  meekly  answered  him,  "  Thou  knowest  best ! 
Mr  sins  as  scarlet  are  ;  let  me  go  hence. 
And  in  some  cloister's  school  of  penitence, 
.Across  those  stones  that  pave  the  way  to  heaven 
Walk  barefoot  till  my  guilty  soul  is  shriven !" 


GLOVERSOX,   THE  MOKMOX.  69 

The  angel  smiled,  and  from  his  radiant  face 
A  holy  light  illumined  all  the  place, 
And  through  the  open  window,  loud  ami  clear, 
They  heard  the  monks  chant  in  the  chapel  near, 
Ahove  the  stir  and  tumult  of  the  street, 

"  He  has  put  down  the  mighty  from  their  scat, 
And  has  exalted  them  of  low  degree  !" 
And  through  the  chant  a  second  melody 
liose  like  the  throhbingof  a  single  string  : 

"  I  am  an  angel,  and  thou  art  the  King !" 

King  Robert,  who  was  standing  near  the  throne, 

Lifted  his  eyes,  and  lo  !  he  was  alone  ! 

But  all  appareled  as  in  days  of  old, 

"With  ermiued  mantle  and  with  cloth  of  gold ; 

And  when  his  courtiers  came,  they  fouiul  him  there, 

Kneeling  upon  the  Hoor,  absorbed  iu  silent  prayer. 


GLOVERSON,   TQE  ilORMON. 

ABTIHUS    WXKO. 

CnAl'TER   I. 
THE   mormon's   departure. 

The  morning  on  which  Reginald  Gloverson  was  to  leave 
Great  Salt  Lake  City  with  anmle-train  dawned  beautifully. 

Reginald  Gloverson  was  a  young  and  thrifty  ]\Iormon, 
With  an  interesting  family  of  twenty  young  and  handsome 
wives.  His  unions  had  never  been  blessed  with  children. 
As  often  as  once  a  year  ho  used  to  go  to  Omaha,  in  Ne- 
braska, with  a  mule-train,  for  goods ;  but  although  he  had 
performed  the  latlier  i)erilous  journey  many  times  with  en- 
tiro  safety,  his  jieart  was  strangely  sad  on  this  particular 
morning,  and  filled  with  gloomy  forebodings. 

The  time  for  his  departure  had  arrived.  The  higli- 
spirited  mules  were  at  the  door,  impatiently  champing  their 
bits.     The  M»)rmon  stood  sadly  among  his  weeping  wives. 

"  Dearest  ones,"  he  saiil,  "  I  am  singularly  sad  at  heart 


70  GLOVEESOX,   THE   ilORMOX. 

this  morning,  but  do  not  let  this  depress  you.  The  journey 
is  a  perilous  one,  but— pshaw  !  I  have  always  come  back 
heretofore,  and  why  should  I  fear  ?  Besides,  I  know  that 
every  night,  as  I  lay  down  on  the  broad,  starlit  prairie, 
your  bright  faces  come  to  me  in  my  dreams,  and  make  my 
slumbers  sweet  and  gentle.  Tou,  Emily,  with  your  mild 
blue  eyes;  and  you,  Henrietta,  with  your  splendid  black 
hair ;  and  you,  Nelly,  with  your  hair  so  brightly,  beautifully 
golden ;  and  you,  Molly,  with  your  cheeks  so  downy  ;  and 
you,  Betsey,  with  your  wine-red  lips — far  more  delicious, 
though,  than  any  wine  I  ever  tasted;  and  you,  Maria,  with 
your  winsome  voice  ;  and  you,  Susan,  with  your — with  your 
— that  is  to  say,  Susan,  with  your — and  the  other  thirteen 
of  you,  each  as  good  and  beautiful,  will  come  to  me  in  sweet 
dreams,  will  you  not,  dearestists  ?'' 

"  Our  own,''  they  lovingly  chimed,  "  we  will  I" 

"  And  so  farewell !"  cried  Reginald,  "  Come  to  my  arms, 
my  own!"  he  said — ''that  is,  as  many  of  you  as  can  do  it 
conveniently  at  once,  for  I  must  away." 

He  folded  several  of  them  to  his  throbbing  breast  and 
drove  sadly  away. 

But  he  had  not  gone  far  when  the  traces  of  the  off-hind 
mule  became  unhitched.  Dismounting,  he  essayed  to  ad- 
just the  trace ;  but  ere  he  had  fairly  commenced  the  task, 
the  mule,  a  singularly  refractory  animal,  snorted  wildly  and 
kicked  Reginald  frightfully  in  the  stomach.  He  arose  with 
difficulty  and  tottered  feebly  towards  his  mother's  house, 
which  was  near  by,  falling  dead  in  her  yard,  with  the  re- 
mark, "  Dear  mother,  I've  come  home  to  die." 

"  So  I  see,"  she  said  ;  "  Where's  the  mules!" 

Alas !  Reginald  Gloverson  could  give  no  answer  In  vain 
the  heart-stricken  mother  threw  herself  upon  his  inanimate 
form,  crying,  "Oh,  my  son,  my  son !  only  say  where  the 
mules  is,  aud  then  you  may  die  if  you  want  to  !"  In  vain, 
in  vain  ! 

Reginald  had  passed  on. 


GLOVERSOX,    THE  MORMOX.  71 

Chapter  II. 

FUNERAL    TRAPPINGS. 

The  mules  were  never  found. 

RegiualJ's  heurt-brokeu  mother  took  the  body  home  to 
her  uutbrtimate  sou's  widows.  But  before  her  arrival  she 
discreetly  sent  a  boy  to  bust  the  news  gently  to  the  alllicted 
wives,  which  he  did  by  informing  them  in  a  hoarse  whisper 
that  "  their  old  man  had  gone  in." 

The  wives  felt  very  badly  indeed. 

"  He  was  devoted  to  me,"  sobbed  Emily. 

"  And  to  me,"  said  Maria. 

"Yes,"  said  Emily,  "he  thought  considerably  of  you, 
but  not  so  much  as  he  did  of  me." 

"  I  say  he  did." 

"  An(i  I  say  ho  didn't." 

"He  did." 

"  He  didn't." 

"  DDu't  look  at  rae  with  your  squint  eyes  !" 

"  Don't  shake  your  red  head  at  me  !" 

"Sisters,"  said  the  black-haired  Henrietta,  "cease  this 
unseemly  wrangling.  I,  as  Reginald's  first  wife,  shall  strew 
flowers  on  his  grave  !" 

"  No,  you  won't,"  said  Susan  ;  "  I,  as  his  last  wife,  shall 
strew  flowers  on  his  grave.     It  is  my  business  to  strew." 

"  Vou  shan't ;  so  there  I"  said  Henrietta. 

"  You  bet  I  will !"  said  Susan,  with  a  tear-sufl'used  check. 

"  Well,  aa  for  me,"  said  the  practical  Betsey,  "  I  ain't 
on  the  Htrow  much,  but  I  shall  ride  at  the  head  of  the 
funeral  procession  I" 

"  Not  if  I've  ovor  boon  introdurod  to  myself,  you  won't," 
said  the  golden-haired  Nelly  ;  "that's  my  position.  You 
bot  your  bonnet-strings  it  is." 

"  Children,"  said  Reginald's  mother,  "  you  nnist  do  some 
crying,  you  know,  on  the  day  of  the  finioral;  ami  how 
many    [tocket-hundkcrchiefs   will   it  take   to   go   round  ? 


72  GLOVEKSON,   THE  MORMON. 

Betsey,  you  and  Nelly  ought  to  make  one  do  between  you." 
''I'll  tear  her  eyes  out  if  she  perpetrates  a  sob  on  my 
handkerchief,"  said  Nelly. 

"  Deardaughters-iu-law,"  said  Reginald's  mother,  "how- 
unseemly  is  this  anger  !  Mules  is  five  hundred  dollars  a 
span,  and  every  identical  mule  my  poor  boy  had  has  been 
gobbled  up  by  the  red  men.  I  knew  when  my  Reginald 
staggered  into  the  door-yard  that  he  was  on  the  die  ;  but 
if  I'd  only  thunk  to  ask  him  about  them  mules  ere  his  gen- 
tle spirit  took  flight,  it  would  have  been  four  thousand 
dollars  in  our  pockets,  and  no  mistake.  Excuse  these  real 
tears,  but  you've  never  felt  a  parent's  feelin's." 
"  It's  an  oversight,"  sobbed  Maria.    "Don't  blame  us." 

Chapter  III. 

DUST  TO   DUST. 

The  funeral  passed  off  in  a  very  pleasant  manner,  nothing 
occurring  to  mar  the  harmony  of  the  occasion.  By  a  happy 
thought  of  Reginald's  mother,  the  wives  walked  to  the 
grave  twenty  abreast,  which  rendered  that  part  of  the  cere- 
mony thoroughly  impartial. 

******* 

That  night  the  twenty  wives,  with  heavy  hearts,  sought 
their  twenty  respective  couches.  But  no  Reginald  occu- 
pied those  twenty  respective  couches — Reginald  would 
nevermore  linger  all  night  in  blissful  repose  on  those  twenty 
respective  couches — Reginald's  head  would  nevermore  press 
the  twenty  respective  pillows  of  those  twenty  respective 
couches — never,  nevermore  ! 

In  another  house,  not  many  leagues  from  the  house  of 
mourning,  a  gray-haired  woman  was  weeping  passionately. 
"  He  died,"  she  cried — "  he  died  without  sigerfyin',  in  any 
respect,  where  them  mules  went  to  !" 


GLOVERSOX,    THE   MOliilON.  73 

Cftapiek  IV. 

MARRIED    AGAIN. 

Two  years  are  supposed  to  have  e'.apsed  between  the  third 
and  fourth  chapters  of  this  original  American  romance. 

A  manly  Mormon,  one  evening,  as  the  sun  was  prepar- 
ing to  set  among  a  select  apartment  of  gold  and  crimson 
clouds  in  the  western  horizon — although,  for  that  matter, 
the  sun  has  a  right  to  "  set"  where  it  wants  to,  and  so,  I 
may  add,  has  a  hen — a  manly  Mormon,  I  say,  tapped 
gently  at  the  door  of  the  mansion  of  the  late  Reginald 
Gloverson. 

The  door  was  opened  by  Mrs.  Susan  Gloverson. 

"Is  this  the  house  of  the  widow  Gloverson?"  the  Mor- 
mon asked. 

"  It  is,"  said  Susan. 

"And  how  many  is  there  of  she?"  inquired  the  Mormon. 

"There  is  about  twenty  of  her,  including  me,"  courte- 
ously returned  the  fair  Susan. 

"  Can  I  see  her  f ' 

"You  can." 

"Madame,"  he  softly  said,  addressing  the  twenty  dis- 
consolate widows,  "I  have  seen  part  of  you  before.  And 
although  I  have  already  twenty-five  wives,  whom  I  respect 
and  tenderly  care  for,  I  can  truly  say  that  I  never  felt 
love's  holy  thrill  till  I  saw  thee !  Be  mine — be  mine !"  ho 
enthusiastically  cried,  "  and  we  will  show  the  world  a 
striking  illustration  of  the  beauty  and  truth  of  the  noble 
lines,  only  a  good  deal  more  so — 

T'.v('iit,y-oii«  souls  with  a  Rinftlo  tlirmght, 
Twciity-oiio  hearts  that  beat  a.s  oue. 

They  were  united,  they  were. 

Gentle  reader,  does  not  the  moral  of  this  romance  show 
thathowevcr  many  thoro  may  1)0  of  a  young  wiilow  woman, 
or  rather  does  it  not  show  that  whatever  munbor  of  por- 
«ons  one  woman  may  consist  of— well,  never  mind  what  it 
shows. 


74  DE  PINT  T7ID   OLE  PETE. 

DE  PINT  WID  OLE  PETE. 


ANOSTMOnS. 


Upon  the  hurricane  deck  of  one  of  our  gunboats,  an  el- 
derly darkey,  with  a  very  philosophical  and  retrospective 
cast  of  countenance,  squatted  on  his  bundle,  toasting  his 
shins  against  the  chimney,  and  apparently  plunged  into  a 
state  of  profound  meditation.  Finding,  upon  inquiry,  that 
he  belonged  to  the  Ninth  Illinois,  one  of  the  most  gallantly 
behaved  and  heavy  losing  regiments  at  the  Fort  Donelson 
battle,  I  began  to  interrogate  him  upon  the  subject. 

"  Were  you  in  the  fight  V     ■ 

"  Had  a  little  tcxste  of  it,  sa." 

''  Stood  your  ground,  did  you  ?" 

"No,  sa;  I  runs." 

"  Eun  at  the  first  fire,  did  you  V 

"  Yes,  sa ;  and  would  hab  run  soona,  had  I  knowd  it 
war  coniin'." 

"  Why,  tliat  wasn't  very  creditable  to  your  courage." 

"Massa,  dat  isn't  my  line,  sa;  cookin's  my  profeshun." 

"  Well,  but  have  you  no  regard  for  your  reputation  ?" 

"  Yah,  yah  ;  reputation's  nuffin  to  me  by  de  side  ob  life." 

"  Do  you  consider  your  life  worth  more  than  other 
people's  ?" 

"It  is  worth  more  to  me,  sa." 

"  Then  you  must  value  it  very  highly?" 

"  Yes,  sa,  I  does ;  more  dan  all  dis  world,  more  dan  a 
million  ob  dollars,  sa ;  for  what  would  dat  be  wuth  to  a 
man  wid  de  bref  out  ob  him  ?  Self-preserbation  am  do 
fust  law  wid  me." 

"  But  why  should  you  act  upon  a  different  rule  from 
other  men  V 

"Because  different  men  set  different  values  upon  their 
lives ;  mine  is  not  in  de  market." 

"But  if  you  lost  it,  you  would  have  the  satisfaction  of 
knowing  that  you  died  for  your  country." 


PAT   AND    THE   PIG.  75 

"  What  satisfaction  would  dat  be  to  me  when  de  power 
ob  feelia'  was  gone  ?" 

"  Then  patriotism  and  honor  are  nothing  to  you  ?" 

"  Nuffiu  whatever,  sa ;  I  regard  them  as  among  the  van- 
ities." 

"If  our  soldiers  were  like  you,  traitors  might  have  bro- 
ken up  the  government  without  resistance." 

"  Yes,  sa ;  dar  would  hab  been  no  help  for  it." 

"Do  you  think  any  of  your  company  would  have  missed 
you,  if  you  had  been  killed?" 

"Maybe  not,  sa;  a  dead  white  man  ain't  much  to  dese 
sogers,  let  alone  a  dead  nigga ;  but  I'd  a  missed  myself, 
and  dat  was  de  pint  wid  me." 


PAT  AND  THE  PIG. 


ANONTMOUa. 


"We  have  read  of  a  Pat  so  financially  flat 

That  he  hail  neither  money  nor  meat, 
And  when  hungry  and  thin,  it  was  whispered  by  sin 

That  he  ought  to  steal  something  to  cat. 

So  he  went  to  the  sty  of  a  widow  near  by, 
And  he  gazed  on  the  tenant — poor  soul  ! 
"  Arrah  now,"  said  he,  "  what  a  trate  that'll  be," 
And  the  pig  of  the  widow  he  stole. 

In  a  feast  he  rejoiced  ;  then  he  went  to  a  Judge; 

For,  in  spite  of  the  pork  and  the  lard. 
There  was  something  within  that  was  sharp  as  a  pin, 

For  his  ccmscience  was  pricking  him  hard. 

And  he  said  with  a  tear,  ""Will  your  Kivereacc  hoar 

"What  I  have  in  sorrow  to  say  ?" 
Then  the  story  he  told,  and  the  (ale  did  unfold 

Of  the  pig  ho  had  taken  away. 

And  the  Judge  to  him  said,  "  Ero  yon  go  to  your  bed, 
Tou  must  pay  for  the  pig  yon  have  taken. 

For  'tis  thus,  by  my  sonl,  you'll  l)e  saving  your  soul, 
And  will  also  bo  saving  your  baoon." 


76     WIDOW  bedott's  letter  to  elder  sniffles. 

"  Oh,  be  jabers,"  said  Pat,  "  I  can  niver  do  that — 
ITot  the  ghost  of  a  hap'ortli  have  I — 
Aud  I'm  wretched  iodade,  if  a  peuuy  it  nade 
Any  pace  for  me  conscience  to  buy." 

Then  in  sorrow  he  cried,  and  the  Judge  he  replied, 
"  Only  think  how  you'll  tremble  with  fear 
When  the  Judge  you  shall  meet  at  the  great  judgment  seat 
Aud  the  widow  you  plundered  while  here." 

"  Will  the  widow  be  there  V  whispered  Pat,  with  a  stare, 

"  And  the  pig  ?   by  me  sowl,  is  it  thrue  f " 
"  They  will  surely  be  there,"  said  the  Judge,  '•'  I  declare, 
And,  oh  Paddy  !  what  then  will  you  do  ?" 

"  Many  thanks,"  answered  Pat,  "  for  your  telling  me  that ; 
May  the  blessings  upon  you  be  big ! 
On  that  sittlemintday  to  the  widow  I'll  say, 
'  Mrs.  Flanuegan,  here  is  your  pig !' " 


THE  WIDOW  BEDOTT'S   LETTER  TO  ELDER 
SNIFFLES. 


VHlTCilER. 


Sence  the  first  time  I  beered  you  preach,  IVe  had  au 
undisciibable  desire  to  have  some  privit  conversashun  with 
you  in  regard  to  the  state  of  my  mind— your  discourse  was 
so  wonderful  sarchin  that  I  felt  to  mourn  over  my  back- 
slidden state  of  stewpidity,  and  my  consarn  increased  every 
time  I've  set  under  the  droppins  of  your  sanctuery.  Last 
night,  when  I  beered  of  your  sickness'  I  felt  wonderful 
overcome  ;  onable  to  conseal  my  aggitation,  I  retired  to 
my  chamber,  and  bust  into  a  flood  of  tears.  I  felt  for  you, 
elder  Sniffles — I  felt  for  you.  I  was  wonderful  exercised  in 
view  of  your  lone  condition. 

Oh,  it's  a  terrible  thing  to  be  alone  in  the  world  !  I  know 
all  about  it  by  experience,  for  I've  been  pardnerless  for 
uigh  twelve  year  ;  it's  a  trying  thing,  but  I  thought  'twas 
better  to  be  alone  than  to  run  euny  risk — for  yer  know  it's 


willow  bedott's  letter  to  elder  sxiffles.       77 

runniu'  a  great  risk  to  take  a  second  compauion,  espesbelly 
if  tbey  aiu't  decidedly  pious— aud  tbeiu  that's  tried  to  per- 
swade  me  to  change  my  condition,  dident  none  of 'em  give 
very  satisfactory  evidence  of  piety — 'taint  for  me  to  say  how 
menny  I've  refused  on  account  of  their  want  of  religion  ac- 
cordin'  to  ray  notions,  riches  and  grander  ain't  to  be  com- 
pared to  religion,  no  bow  you  can  fix  it,  and  I  always  told 
'em  so. 

But  I  was  tellin'  bow  overcome  I  was  when  I  heered  of 
your  being  attacked  with  infiuenzy.  I  felt  as  if  I  must  go 
right  over  and  take  care  of  you.  I  wouldent  desire  no 
better  intertainmeut  than  to  nuss  you  up,  and  if  it  'twant 
for  the  speech  of  peeplc,  I'd  fly  to  your  rolefe  instantcr,  but 
1  know  'twould  make  talk,  and  so  I'm  necessitated  to  stay 
away. 

But  I  felt  so  consarned  about  you  tbat  I  couldn't  help 
writiu'  these  few  lines  to  you  to  let  you  know  bow  anxious 
I  be  on  your  account,  and  to  beg  of  you  to  take  care  of 
yourself.  Ob  elder,  do  be  careful — the  influenzy's  a  dan- 
gerous eppidemik,  if  you  let  it  run  on  without  atteudin'  to 
it  in  season — do  be  careful — consider  what  a  terrible  thing 
'twould  be  for  you  to  be  took  away  in  the  beight  of  yer 
yusefulness ;  and  oh,  elder,  nobody  wouldn't  feel  yer  loss 
with  more  intensitudc  than  what  I  should,  though  mcbby 
I  liadent  ougbtcr  say  so. 

Oh,  elder  SnifTles,  I  do  feel  as  if  I  couldent  part  with  yiii 
110  how.  I'm  50  interested  in  your  prcacbin,  and  it's  had 
such  a  wonderful  attcndency  to  subdew  my  prcjudisbes 
agin'  your  denominashun,  and  bas  sot  mc  consideiin' 
wbcttbcr  or  no  there  aint  gtjod  christuns  in  all  denoiniiia- 
sbuns,  'copt,  of  course,  the  unevarsellcrs. 

Ob,  reverend  elder,  I  intreat  you  to  take  care  of  your 
preshus  boall'li.  I  send  you  herewith  a  paper  of  boneset ;  you 
nnist  make  sonie  good  stiff  tea  on't  and  drink  about  a 
fpiart  to-niglit  afore  you  retire.  Molasses  or  vinegar's  a 
good  thing,  too,  for  a  cold  or  mff;  j(!.st  take  about  a  pint 


78      WIDOW  eedott's  letter  to  elder  sxlffles. 

of  molasses  and  bile  it  down  with  a  teacup  of  vinegar  and 
a  hunk  of  butter  as  big  as  a  hen's  egg,  and  stir  in  about  a 
half  a  teacup  full  of  peppersass,  and  eat  it  down  hot  jest 
afore  bedtime — and  take  a  strip  of  flannil,  and  rub  some 
hog's  lard  on't — though  goose  ile's  about  as  good — and  pin 
it  round  yer  throat  rite  off;  and  I  send  likewise  a  bag  of 
hops — you  must  dip  it  in  biliu'  hot  water  with  some  red 
peppers  in  it;  now  don't  forgit  nothin'  I've  proscribed. 

But  I  was  a  tellin'  how  exercised  I  was  when  I  heerd  of 
your  sickness.  I  went  immejitly  to  my  chamber,  and  gin 
away  to  a  voiellent  flud  of  tears.  I  retired  to  my  couche  of 
repose,  but  my  aggetashun  prevented  my  sleepiu'  I  felt 
quite  a  call  to  express  my  feelins  in  poitry — I'm  very  apt 
to  when  enuythiug  comes  over  me — so  I  riz  and  lited  my 
candle,  and  composed  these  ere  stanzys,  which  I  hope  will 
be  aggreible  to  you. 

0  reverend  sir  I  do  declare, 

It  drives  me  a'most  to  frenzy,  • 

To  think  of  you  a  lyin  there 

Down  sick  with  infiuenzy. 

A  body'd  a  thought  it  was  enough 

To  mourn  j'er  wife's  departer, 
"Without  sech  trouble  as  this  'ere 

To  come  a  follerin'  avter. 

But  sickness  and  affliction  is  trials  sent 

By  the  will  of  a  wise  creation, 
And  always  ought  to  be  underwent 

"With  fortytude  aud  resignashun. 

Then  mourn  nf)t  for  j'our  pardner's  deth, 

But  tew  submit  endever  ; 
J'or  sposiu  she  hadent  a  died  so  soon, 
She  couldn't  a  lived  forever. 

Oh,  I  could  to  your  bedside  fly, 

And  wipe  your  weepin'  eyes. 
And  try  my  best  to  cure  you  up, 

If  'twouldent  create  surprize. 


THE  CRT  OF  THE  CHILDREN.  79 

It's  a  world  of  trouble  we  tarry  in — 

But  elder  dou't  disi)air; 
That  3'ou  may  soou  be  moviu"  agiu, 

Is  constautlj'  my  prayer. 

Both  sick  and  well,  you  may  depend 

Youle  never  be  forgot, 
By  your  faithful  and  aflectionate  friend, 

Priscilla  Pool  Bedott. 


THE  CRY  OF   THE  CHILDREN. 

ELIZABETH  BARRETT  BROWNING. 

Do  ye  hear  the  children  weeping,  0  my  brothers. 

Ere  the  sorrow  comes  with  years? 
They  are  leaning  their  young  heads  against  their  mothers- 

And  that  cannot  stop  their  tears. 
The  young  lambs  are  bleating  in  the  meadows, 

The  young  birds  are  chirping  in  the  nest, 
The  young  fawns  are  playiug  with  the  shadows, 

The  young  flowers  are  blowing  toward  the  west- 
But  the  young,  young  children,  0  my  brothers, 

They  are  weeping  bitterly! — 
They  are  weeping  in  the  playtime  of  the  others, 

In  the  country  of  the  free. 

They  look  up  with  their  pale  and  sunken  faces, 

And  their  looks  are  sad  to  see, 
For  the  man's  hoary  anguish  draws  and  presses 

Down  the  cheeks  of  infancy— 
"  Tour  old  earth,"  they  say  "  is  very  dreary ;" 

"Our  young  feet,"  they  say,  "  are  very  weak  !" 
Fev  paces  have  we  taken,  yet  are  weary— 

Our  grave  rest  is  very  far  to  seek. 
Ask  the  aged  why  they  weep,  and  not  the  chililron, 

For  the  outside  earth  is  cold. 
And  we  young  ones  stand  without,  in  our  bewildering, 

And  the  graves  are  for  the  old. 

"True,"  say  the  children,  "it  may  happen 
That  we  die  before  our  time. 


80  THE   CRY   OF   THE    CHILDREN. 

Little  Alice  died  last  year— the  grave  is  shapen 

Like  a  snowball,  in  the  rime. 
"We  looked  into  the  pit  prepared  to  take  her — 

"Was  no  room  for  any  work  in'  the  close  clay  : 
From  the  sleep  wherein  she  lieth  none  will  wake  her, 

Crying,  '  Get  up,  little  Alice  !  it  is  day !' 
If  yoii  listen  by  that  grave,  in  sun  and  shower, 

"With  your  ear  down,  little  Alice  never  cries  ! — 
Could  we  see  her  face,  be  sure  we  should  not  know  her. 

For  the  smile  has  time  for  growing  in  her  eyes  ! 
And  merry  go  her  moments,  lulled  and  stilled  in 

The  shroud,  by  the  kirk-chime  ! 
It  is  good  when  it  happens,"  say  the  children, 
"  That  we  die  before  our  time." 

Alas  alas,  the  children !  they  are  seeking 

Death  in  life  as  best  to  have ! 
They  are  binding  up  their  hearts  away  from  breaking, 

"With  a  cerement  from  the  grave. 
Go  out,  children,  from  the  mine  and  from  the  cit}'— 

Sing  out,  children,  as  the  little  thrushes  do — 
Pluck  you  handfuls  of  the  meadow-cowslips  pretty — 
Laugh  aloud,  to  feel  your  fingers  let  them  through  ! 
But  they  answer,  "Are  your  cowslips  of  the  meadows 

Like  our  weeds  auear  the  mine? 
Leave  us  quiet  in  the  dark  of  the  coal  shadows, 

From  your  pleasures  fair  and  fine  ! 

"For  oh,"  say  the  children,  "we  are  weary, 
And  we  cannot  run  or  leap — 
If  we  cared  for  any  meadows,  it  were  merely 

To  drop  down  in  them  and  sleep. 
Our  knees  tremble  sorely  in  the  stooping — 

"We  fall  upon  our  faces,  trying  to  go ; 
And,  underneath  our  heavy  eyelids  drooping, 

The  reddest  flower  would  look  as  pale  as  snow. 
For,  all  day,  we  drag  our  burden  tiring 

Through  the  coal-dark  underground — 
Or,  all  day,  we  drive  the  wheels  of  iron 
In  the  factories  round  and  round. 


THE  CRT  OF  THE   CHILDREX.  81 

"  For,  all  day,  the  wheels  are  droning,  tuming- 
Their  wind  comes  iu  our  faces, — 
Till  our  hearts  turn — our  head,  with  pulses  burning, 

And  the  walls  turn  iu  their  places — 
Turns  the  sky  in  the  high  window  blank  and  reeling, 

Turns  the  long  light  that  drops  adowu  the  wall — 
Turn  the  black  flies  that  crawl  along  the  ceiling — 

All  are  turning,  all  the  day,  and  we  with  all. 
And  all  the  day,  the  iron  wheels  are  droning ! 

And  sometimes  we  could  pray, 
'0  ye  wheels,'  (breaking  out  in  a  mad  moaning), 
'  Stop !  be  silent  for  to-day  !'  " 

Ay !  be  silent !  Let  them  hear  each  other  breathing 

For  a  moment  mouth  to  mouth — 
Let  them  touch  each  other's  hands,  in  a  fresh  wreathing 

Of  their  tender  human  youth  ! 
Let  them  feel  that  this  cold  metallic  motion 

Is  not  all  the  life  God  fashions  or  reveals — 
Let  them  prove  their  living  souls  against  the  notion 
That  they  live  in  you,  or  under  you,  0  wheels  ! — 
Still,  all  day,  the  iron  wheels  go  onward, 
Grinding  life  down  from  its  mark ; 
And  the  children's  souls,  which  God  is  calling  sunward, 
Spin  on  blindly  in  the  dark. 

Now  tell  the  poor  young  children,  0  my  brothers, 

To  look  up  to  llim  and  pray — 
So  the  blessed  One,  who  blesseth  all  the  others, 

Will  bless  them  another  day. 
They  answer,  "  Who  is  God  that  IIo  should  hear  ns, 

"While  the  rushing  of  the  iron  wheels  is  stirred  ? 
"WTien  wo  sob  aloud,  the  human  creatures  near  us 

Pass  by,  hearing  not,  or  answer  not  a  word  ; 
And  we  hear  not  (for  the  wheels  in  their  resounding) 

Strangers  speiiking  at  the  door  ; 
Is  it  likely  Gud,  witli  aiigols  singing  round  liiin, 

Hears  our  weeping  any  more  ? 

"Two  words,  indeed,  of  praying  we  remember, 
And  at  midnight's  hour  of  harm, 


82  THE    CllY    OF   TlIK    CUILUIIEN. 

'  Our  Father/  looking  upward  in  the  chamber, 

"We  say  softly  fur  a  charm. 
We  know  no  other  words,  except  '  Our  Father,' 

And  we  think  that,  in  some  pause  of  angel's  song, 
God  may  pluck  them  with  the  silence  sweet  to  gather, 
And  hold  both  within  His  right  hand,  which  is  strong. 
'  Our  Father  !'     If  He  heard  us.  He  would  surely 

(For  they  call  Him  good  and  mild) 
Answer,  smiling  down  the  steep  world  very  purely, 
'Come  and  rest  with  me,  my  child.' 

"  But  no !"  say  the  children,  weeping  faster, 
"  He  is  speechless  as  a  stone  ; 
And  they  tell  us,  of  His  image  is  the  mast«r 

Who  commands  us  to  work  on. 
Go  to  I"  say  the  children — "TJp  in  Heaven, 

Dark,  wheel-like,  turning  clouds  are  all  we  find. 
Do  not  mock  us;   grief  has  made  us  unbelieving — 
We  look  up  for  God,  but  tears  have  made  us  blind." 
Do  you  hear  the  children  weeping  and  disproving, 

0  my  brothers,  what  ye  preach  ? 
For  God's  possible  is  taught  by  His  world's  loving — • 
And  the  children  doubt  of  each. 

They  look  up  with  their  pale  and  sunken  faces. 

And  their  look  is  dread  to  see, 
For  they  mind  you  of  their  angels  in  their  places, 

"With  eyes  turned  on  Deity  ; — 
"How  long,"  they  say,   "  how  long,  0  cruel  nation, 

"Will  you  stand,  to  move  the  world,  on  a  child's  hearth- 
Stifle  down  with  a  mailed  heel  its  palpitation, 

And  tread  onward  to  your  throne  amid  the  mart? 
Our  blood  splashes  upward,  0  gold-heaper, 

And  your  purple  shows  your  path  ! 
But  the  child's  sob  curses  deeper  in  the  silence 

Than  the  strong  man  in  his  wrath  \" 


THE   DUTCUMAX   AXD   THE    SMALL-POX.  83 

THE  DUTCHMAN  WHO  GAVE  MRS.  SCUDDER 
THE  SMALL-POX. 

AXONTMOUS. 

Some  yenrs  ago,  a  droll  sort  of  a  Dutchman  was  the 
driver  of  a  stage  in  New  Jersey,  and  be  passed  daily 
through  the  small  hamlet  of  Jericho.  One  morning,  just 
as  the  vehicle  was  starting  from  Squash  Point,  a  person 
came  up  and  requested  the  driver  to  take  in  a  small  box, 
and  "  leave  it  at  Mrs.  Scudder's,  third  house  on  the  left 
after  you  get  into  Jericho." 

"  Yaas,  oh  yaas,  Mr.  Ellis,  I  knows  der  bans,"  said  the 
driver,  "  I  pleeve  der  voman  dakcs  in  vasbiu',  vor  I  always 
sees  her  mit  her  clothes  hung  out." 

"  You're  right,  that's  the  place,"  said  Ellis,  (for  that  was 
the  man's  name,)  "she  washes  for  one  of  the  steamboats." 

The  box  was  thereupon  duly  deposited  in  the  front  boot, 
the  driver  took  his  'lovenpeunybit  for  carrying  it,  and  the 
stage  started  on  its  winding  way.  In  an  hour  or  two,  the 
four  or  five  houses  comprising  the  village  of  Jericho  hove 
in  sight.  In  front  of  one  of  them,  near  the  door,  a  tall 
mu.scular  woman  was  engaged  at  a  wash-tub,  while  lines 
of  white  linen,  fluttering  in  the  wind,  ornamented  the  ad- 
joining lawn.  The  stage  stopped  at  the  gate,  when  the 
follcnving  ludicrous  dialogue,  and  attendant  circumstances, 
took  place : 

Driver —Ls  dis  Miss  Sruttnr's  bans  ? 

Woman  [looking  up,  without  stopping  her  work,] —Yes, 
Pm  Mrs.  Scuddcr. 

Driver -ITe  got  der  small  pox  in  der  stage;  vill  you 
come  out  and  dake  it  ? 

Woman  [suddenly  throwing  down  the  garment  she  was 
washing]— Got  the  flmall-|)ox  !  mercy  on  mo,  wby  do  you 
Ktoj)  here,  you  wirkfd  man  t  you'd  better  be  ofT,  (luick  as 
you  can.     [Runs  info  the  bouse.] 

Driver  mutters  to  himself— I  vondcr  vat's  dor  matter 
mit  der  fool ;  Pfc  goot  mind  to  drow  it  over  der  fence. 


84  THE   DrTCHMAX  AND  THE   SMALL-POX. 

Upon  second  thought,  be  takes  the  box,  gets  off  the 
stage,  and  carries  it  into  the  bouse.  But  in  an  instant  he 
reappears,  followed  by  a  broom  with  an  enraged  woman 
at  the  end  of  it,  who  is  shouting  in  a  loud  voice — 

"  You  git  out  of  this  !  clear  yourself  quicker ! — you've  no 
business  to  come  here  exposing  decent  people  to  the  small- 
pox ;  what  do  you  mean  by  it  ?" 

"I  dells  you  it's  der  shmall  _^;o:r .'"  exclaimed  the  Dutch- 
man, emphasising  the  word  box  as  plainly  as  he  could — 
"Ton't  you  versteh? — der  shmall  j^ox  dat  Misther  Ellis 
sends  to  you." 

But  i\Irs.  Scudder  was  too  much  excited  to  comprehend 
this  explanation,  even  if  she  had  listened  to  it.  Having  it- 
fixed  in  her  mind  that  there  was  a  case  of  small-pox  on 
the  stage,  and  that  the  driver  was  asking  her  to  take  into 
the  house  a  passenger  thus  afflicted,  her  indignation  knew 
no  bounds.  "  Clear  out !"  exclaimed  she,  excitedly,  ''I'll 
call  the  men  folks  if  you  don't  clear !"  and  then  shouting 
at  the  top  of  her  voice,  "  Ike  !  you  Ike  !  where  are  you?" 
Ike  soon  made  his  appearance,  and  inquired — 

"W-what's  the  matter,  mother?" 

The  driver  answered — "'■  I  dells  you  now  onct  more,  for 
der  last  time,  I'fe  got  der  shmall  pox,  and  Misther  Ellis 
he  dells  me  to  gif  it  to  Miss  Scutter,  and  if  dat  vrow  ish 
Miss  Scutter,  vy  she  no  dake  der  pox  ?" 

By  this  time  several  of  the  passengers  had  got  off  the 
stage  to  see  the  fun,  and  one  of  them  explained  to  Mrs, 
Scudder  that  it  was  a  box,  and  not  small-pox,  that  the 
driver  wished  to  leave  with  her. 

The  woman  had  become  so  thoroughly  frightened  that 
she  was  still  incredulous,  until  a  bright  idea  struck  Ike. 

"Oh,  mother!"  exclaimed  he,  "I  know  what  'tis — it's 
Madame  Ellis's  box  of  laces,  sent  to  be  done  up." 

With  this  explanation  the  affair  was  soon  settled,  and 
Mistress  Scudder  received  the  Dutchman's  "  shmall  pox  " 
amidst  the  laughter  and  shouts  of  the  occupants  of  the 


scuLPix.  85 

old  stage  coacb.  The  dnver  joiued  iu,  although  he  had 
not  the  least  idea  of  what  they  were  laughiug  at,  aud  as 
the  vehicle  rolled  away,  he  added  uot  a  little  to  the  mirth 
by  saying,  in  a  triumphant  tone  of  voice,  "  I  vas  pound 
ter  gif  der  old  vomaus  der  sbmall  pox,  vetber  she  vould 
dake  it  or  uot !" 


SCULPIN. 

ANOSTMOUS. 

It  may  not  be  amiss  to  remark  that  it  was  the  identical 
"  Greek  Slave"  concerning  which  the  ensuing  colloquy  took 
place,  between  the  sculptor  himself  and  a  successful  Yan- 
kee speculator,  who  had  "  come  over  to  see  Eu-rope." 

Scene— Power's  studio  at  Florence.  Enter  stranger, 
spitting,  and  wiping  his  lips  with  his  hand:  "Be  yeou 
Mister  Powers,  the  skulpture  ?" 

"I  am  a  sculptor,  and  my  name  is  Powers." 

"Y-e-a-s;  wall,  I'spectedso;  they  tell'd  me  yeou  was 
— y-e-a-s.    Look  a  here— drivin'  a  pritty  stiff  bizness,  eh  ?" 

"Sir?" 

"I  say,  plenty  to  du,  eh?  What  d's  one  o'  them  air 
fetch  V 

"  Sir  r 

"  I  ask't  ye  what's  the  j^rice  of  one  of  them,  scch  as  yeou'ro 
peckin'  at  neow." 

"  I  ;un  to  have  three  thousand  dollars  fur  this  when  it  is 
completed." 

"  W-h-a-t !— heow  much  ?" 

"  Three  thousand  dollars." 

"T-h-r-c-o  t-h-o-u-8-a-n-d  d-o-l-l-a-r-s  !  Han't  state- 
wary  riz  lately  !  I  was  cal'latin'  to  buy  some  ;  but  it's  tciv 
h\<^\\.  Ileow's  paintin's?  Guo.'^s  I  nuist  git  some  paintin's. 
T-li-r-c-o  t-h-o-u-s-a-n-d  d-o-l-l-a-r-s  !  Wall,  it  r.sa  trade, 
Bculpin  is;  that's  sartain.  What  dew  they  make  yeou  pay 
fur  your  tools  and  stuff  f    S'i)cct  my  oldest  boy,   Cephas 


8G  RATS. 

could  skulp ;  fact,  I  knoio  be  could.  He  is  allers  whittliii' 
reouud,  an'  cuttin'  away  at  things.  I  jist  wish  yeou'd 
'gree  to  take  him  preutice,  an'  let  him  go  at  it  full  chisel. 
D'  you  know  where  I'd  be  liable  to  put  him  eout  ?  He'd 
cut  stun  a'ter  a  while  with  the  best  of  ye,  he  would;  and 
make  money,  tew,  at  them  prices.  T-h-r-e-e  t-h-o-u- 
s-a-n-d  d-o-l-l-a-r-s !  Wall,  guess  I  won't  take  enny  of 
your  stone  gals  tew-day  at  them  prices.    Jewhitaker !" 


EATS. 


JOUS  MclNTOSH. 


A  rat !  a  rat !  dead  for  a  ducat ! 
Killed  with  a  broom  behind  a  bucket ; 
Dead  as  a  hemug  as  soon  as  I  struck  it. 
Nothing  so  horribly  mean  as  rats ; 
Quite  as  great  a  nuisance  as  cats ; 
Bothered  us  had  they  for  more  than  a  year, 
Gnawing  the  boards,  so  very  near  ; 
Trundling  about  at  dead  of  night, 
Scurrying  round,  but  seldom  in  sight; 

Trundling, 

Bundling, 

HurrjMng, 

Scurrying, 
Kattlety  bang!  off  in  a  jiffy, 
Making  a  fellow  feel  ever  so  "  miffy." 
Pop  she  goes,  never  say  die, 
Round  the  ban-els  I  madly  fly, 
Hoping  to  catch  'em ;  all  in  my  eye ; 

Off  to  each  hole. 

The  villains  stole, 
Soon  as  they  heard  my  footsteps  nigh. 

"^yeut  to  bed  one  night  in  wrath. 
After  I  thought  I  discovered  the  path 
They  gen'rally  took  to  go  their  rounds ; 
Heard  them  skittle  behind  the  lath  ; 
Vowed  that  night  I'd  cut  a  swath, 


87 


Killing  aud  mangling  and  girmgvrounds; 
Put  the  broom  in  a  handy  place, 
Chuckled  to  think  of  the  bloody  chase 
I'd  have  with  the  sport  of  their  losing  race  ; 
ISTever  a  wink, 
Xary  a  blink 
Of  sleep  had  I.     I  rose  at  one, 

Lighted  a  lamp  and  roused  ray  wife  ; 
She  woke  with  a  y-a-w-n. 

"Hush,"  said  I,  "no  noise,  on  your  life  ; 
Kats,"  I  whispered,  "  more  than  a  dozen ; 
Don't  you  hear  'em  ?    Listen  !     Was'u 
That  a  stunner  that  jumped  just  now  ? 
Forward,  march  !     Confound  the  row !" 
'  Hadn't  you  better  put  on  your  boots  "? 
They  bito  sometimes,  the  saucy  brutes," 
Wife  whispered  low ; 
"  Consarn  them,  no ; 
Ain't  to  be  scared  so,"  answered  I ; 
"  Bite,  and  says  I  the  fur  will  fly." 
"  We'd  better  call  aunt  Polly's  cat," 
She  whispered  again.     I  said  to  that, 
"  Drat  the  cats  ! 
At  the  rats  "— 
Quoting  a  word  from  Coriolanus — 
Alone  I  go; 
"  If  you  are  afraid, 
Go  back  to  bed  ; 
Tliis  I  know, 
And  Rwear  by  the  bulk  of  huge  Uranus, 
This  nigiit  by  the  broom 
They  meet  their  doom  ; 
Steal  ahing  with  a  velvet  tread ; 
No  more,  keep  dark,  and  imagine  them  dead." 

Into  the  kitchen  we  went  with  a  bounce, 
Seizing  my  broom  like  a  spear  at  once, 
I  charged  amain ; 
Scamper,  flit. 

Sudden  nolso, 


88  EATS. 

"  Why  don't  you  hit  V 
My  good  ■wife  cries, 
"Hit  what?" 

"  Goose  !  the  rat." 
Slam  ! 
Jam  ! 
Over  the  room 
Slathered  the  broom ; 
Crack  ! 
Whack ! 
But  never  a  one  of  them  went  to  doom ; 
Stealing  away  like  guilty  souls, 
I  heard  them  squeaking  a  laugh  in  their  holes. 
I  made  a  vow — 
This  was  the  how  : 
Eaising  my  broom  as  high  as  the  ceiling, 
I  thought  for  a  moment  of  swearing  kneeling ; 
And  but  that  'twould  have  a  ridiculous  look, 

I'd  done  it  there  ; 
Eut,  goodness  me !     I  thought,  as  I  took 
A  passing  glance 
At  the  circumstance — 
My  legs  were  bare, 
A  night-shirt  only  enveloped  my  form, 
And  then  my  wife, 
Upon  my  life, 
I  knew  she  would  raise  such  a  deuce  of  a  storm 
Of  laughter  and  fun, 
I  cut  and  run. 

I  vowed  in  my  heart  that  night  no  sleep 
Over  my  senses  numb  should  creep, 
Or  eyes  should  touch — 
I  hadn't  much 

For  a  month  before — 
Until  a  rat. 
Untouched  by  a  cat. 
Should  lie  on  the  floor. 
Outstretched  in  its  gore, 


EATS.  89 

And  slaia  by  me  -with  my  warlike  broom ; 
All  this  I  repeated  again  iu  my  room. 
TTife  said  but  little,  my  back  was  riz ; 
It  was  well  for  her  that  she  had  the  wis- 
dom to  say  little  to  me  that  night ; 
I  thiuk,  however,  she  gave  a  suicker — 
"WTiich  I  ignored,  for  I  dread  a  bicker 
With  her,  for  the  reason,  she's  always  right. 

Engaugh  !    She  snores,  I'm  wide  awake, 
Thinking  of  rats — 
Of  rats,  not  cats ; 
In  fancy,  a  score 
I've  killed,  and  more. 
Innocent  she  of  the  lives  I  take 
In  my  broom's  wild  sweep ; 
I  will  show  her  the  heap 
In  the  morning,  slain  for  her  dear  sake. 

Hark !  that  was  a  rat ! 
'  At  once  I  sat 
Up  in  the  bed,  to  hear  it  once  more ; 
It  skittles  across  the  kitchen  floor — 
It !  thunder !  there  must  be  a  hundred  or  more ; 
Creaking  again  goes  the  bedroom  door, 
But  all  unheard  in  their  wild  uproar. 
Soon  with  Tarquiu's  ravishing  stride 
Down  the  stairs  like  a  ghost  I  glide; 
And  I  said  in  my  vengeance,  woe  belido 
The  sleek  mail  roysteriug  villain's  hide. 
That  comes  as  a  salve  to  m}'  wounded  pride. 
I  place  my  lamp  in  the  passage  there ; 
I  know  that  its  bright  petroleum  glare 
Over  the  kitchen  floor  will  flare  ; 
I  handle  my  broom  a  la  militaire. 
Bang  flies  the  door.     I?y  .lovo,  there's  three ! 
Double  quick,  forward  !     llurrali  forme! 
Over  the  tables,  clearing  the  chairs — 

Smash  wont  a  couple  of  window  panes — 
Two  have  escaped,  one  still  remains; 


90  AX  IXTIIODCCTIOX. 

Into  a  basket  of  clothes  he  tears ; 

Still  for  his  beggarly  life  he  strove ; 

Over  the  wood-box,  under  the  stove  ; 

Scampering  over  the  brealifast  plates, 
Jinglety  whop  went  all  the  spoons ; 

Soon,  on  the  window-sill  he  skates, 
Hi !    Look  out !    I  vow,  the  loon's 

Almost  along  with  his  thievish  mates. 

Hit  him !     Co-whoUop  !     I've  got  you  now  ! 

Thud !  and  co-whop  !     Hi !  that's  the  how  ! 
A  rat !     A  rat !  dead  for  a  ducat ! 
Xilled  with  a  broom  behind  a  bucket, 
Dead  as  a  herring  as  soon  as  I  struck  it. 


AN   INTRODUCTION. 


MABE  TWAIX. 


"Ladies — and — gentlemen:  By— the  request  of  the — 
Chair-man  of  the — Commit-tee — -I  beg  leave  to — intro — 
duce — to  you — the  reader  of  the  eve-ning — a  gentleman 
whose  great  learning — whose  historical  ac-curacy — whose 
devotion — to  science — and — whose  veneration  for  the  truth 
— are  only  equalled  by  his  high  moral  character —  and — his 
— majestic  presence.  I  allude — in  these  vague  general 
terms — to  ray-self.  I — am  a  little  opposed  to  the  custom  of 
ceremoniously  introducing  a  reader  to  the  audience,  because 
it  seems — unnecessary — where  the  man  has  been  properly 
advertised !  But  as — it  is — the  custom — I  prefer  to  make 
it  myself— in  my  own  case — and  then  I  can  rely  on  getting 
in — all  the  facts !  I  never  had  but  one  introduction — that 
seemed  to  me  just  the  thing— and  the  gentleman  was  not 
acquainted  with  me,  and  there  was  no  nonsense.  '  Ladies 
and  gentlemen,  I  shall  waste  no  time  in  this  introduction. 
I  know  of  only  two  facts  about  this  man ;  first,  he — has 
never  been  in  state  prison,  and  second,  I  can't — imagine 
why." 


A  DL'TCHMAy'S  DOLLY   VAllDEX,  91 


A  DUTCHMAN'S  DOLLY  VAEDEN.  ' 

ANONYMOUS. 

Veil,  mine  freuud,  you  know  dat  I  hav  on  my  bet  dat 
leedle  bump  der  IVeuuUogiggers  say  dat  I  bar  great  like  for  de 
ladies,  aiudit?  Vell,Ivasgoiudowndesbtreetdertay  after 
yesterday,  und  veu  I  comes  to  der  blace  vat  dey  calls  der 
corner,  so  der  sbtreet  mit  anoder  sbtreet  makes  a  nice  leetlo 
cross  Oder  der  leetle  saw-buck,  you  know  vat  dat  is.  So 
soon  I  comes  to  der  blace,  vot  you  tink  f  a  nice  leetle  poy 
mit  great  many  papers  in  der  band  goes  by,  and  sbust  so 
soon  as  be  goes  by  be  gifs  me  von  leetlo  paper  mitout 
notings.  But  it  vas  padder  as  vorse  vot  I  took  dot  leetle 
paper,  and  den  I  goes  and  makes  me  von  mineself  von 
great  pig  fool.  Vat  you  tink  I  on  dot  paper  find — you  no 
guess  dot  in  swelve  tousand  year.  I  dell  you  vot  I  see  on 
dot.  It  vas  like  diss.  "  Come  und  see  your  Dolly  Varden. 
Sbe  is  lovely,  sbe  is  putiful,  sbe  is  ricli !  You  can  sbe  bav 
for  most  notings."  Den  der  leetle  paper  gives  der  number 
von  der  sbtreet  vare  I  could  sbe  find.  It  vas  said  Mr. 
Sbteward,  py  Proatvay  oud.  So  soon  I  reads  dot  petter 
as  goot  mine  beart  makes  mc  von  pitty-pat,  knock-knock. 
You  know  vat  dat  is.  I  no  more  knows  vare  I  lif  oder  var 
I  vas  goin.  Dolly  Varden  !  Sbe  vas  ricb;  sbe  vas  lovely; 
sbe  vas  putiful ;  und  Dolly,  dot  vas  sbust  so  nice  names, 
aind  it?  Cud  der  leetlo  poy  dat  me  dot  paper  gives, 
made  bo  on  dot  paper  say  dot  I  can  sbe  bav  for  most 
notings.  Der  firsbt  ding  vot  mine  eye  come  against  vas  von 
dose  leetle  sbticks  mit  der  great  American  Hag  round  bim, 
vot  says  dot  dcrc  viskers  be  taken  ofT  dere,  und  der  bair 
bo  so  brigbt  and  sinning  made,  also  der  placking  boots. 
Denn  I  goes  rigbt  dere,  und  I  pays  dot  man  fifteen  cent — 
fifteen  cent !  n)ind  you  dot !  vile  dot  lie  make  mine  bair 
der  vay  vot  I  sbpeak  von.  Den,  mit  mine  bet  up,  feeling 
dot  I  shust  so  pig  as  Carl  Scburz,  I  goes  after  der  sbtreet 


92  A  DUTCHMAN'S  DOLLY  VAKDEX. 

for  to  git  me  mine  Dolly  Varden,  I  vonders  so  soon  I 
comes  to  der  blace  und  sees  der  pig  shtore  shop  of  Mister 
Sliteward,  vedder  or  not  she  owns  all  dot  nice  buildings. 
Anoder  leetle  poy  opens  dot  door  so  nicely,  unt  lie  looks 
me  in  der  face  so  sbmilings  dot  I  tiuks  praps  it  vos  Dolly's 
brudder  ;  und  mine  heart  he  goes  so  hot  like  fire ;  most 
like  der  pig  plaziug  Shecawgo  fire.  Und  I  says  to  der 
poy  so  shweet  I  could  you  know,  "  You  hav  der  sister  here, 
aint  it  ?"  Denn  der  poy  be  look  me  mit  vonder,  und  be 
make  dot  bet  go  so,  like  dot.  I  shpeaks  no  more  mit  der 
poy,  but  I  goes  to  der  shtand,  vare  I  sees  von  fine  gentle- 
man, und  I  says,  "  I  vould  dot  young  lady  see,  vot  der 
leetle  poy  givs  me  paper  von."  "Vot  is  dot!"  says  der 
shentleraaus.  Denn  I  says,  "  I  vauts  mine  Dolly  Varden !" 
Und  der  man  says,  "  Dolly  Varden !  come  dis  vay  venn 
you  blease."  Und  I  follows  dot  man  mit  miue  heart  full 
von  great  tremblings  unt  joy  put  togedder,  shust  like  der 
apple  und  meat  in  der  mince  pie.  Put  vat  is  dot  he  do 
now  ?  He  go  und  show  me  a  leetle  piece  von  cloth  mit 
great  many  putiful  color.  Denn  I  say  "  You  nixverstay  me. 
I  no  vant  to  see  her  dress.  I  vould  see  Dolly  Varden  she 
self."  Dere  goes  more  vunder  doun  der  poy  hat  over  der  face 
von  der  shentlemans,  und  he  say ''  Dis  is  Dolly  Varden." 
Denn  I  say  "  Dolly  Varden  !  Dolly  Varden  !  Oh  !  I  no  vant 
such  voomans  as  dot."  Und  mine  mind  runs  vay  mit  mine 
bet,  unt  mine  bet  runs  vay  uiit  mine  bodies,  uud  mine 
bodies  runs  vay  mit  mine  feet,  und  der  shtore  is  vay  on  der 
odder  side  von  me.  Und  ven  I  see  again  on  der  shtreet  dot 
leetle  poy  I  vould  him  pants  make  varm  for  dot  he  gif  me 
so  much  heart-ache. 

Und  denn  ven  I  tinks  on  vot  I  pees  und  vat  I  used  to 
vas,  I  feels  I  trow  fifteen  cent  avay  mitout  sufficient  cause. 
Den  I  feels  mit  mineselfs  so  mad  to  trow  avays  fifteen 
cents — tree  glass  lager — for  notinks,  dat  I  go  very  queeck 
and  trowu  mineself  in  de  try-tock,  till  I  vas  vasbit  ashore 
mit  a  bar  of  soft-soap. 


"  ROCK  OF   AGES." 


93 


"ROCK  OF  AGES." 

"  Kock  of  ages,  cleft  for  me," 

Thoughtlessly  the  maiden  sung, 
Fell  the  words  unconsciously 

From  her  girlish,  gleeful  tongue , 
Sung  as  little  children  sing, 

Sung  as  sing  the  birds  in  June; 
Fell  the  words  like  light  leaves  sown 

On  the  current  of  the  tune — 
"  Kock  of  ages,  cleft  for  me. 
Let  me  hide  myself  in  Thee." 

Felt  her  soul  no  need  to  hide — 

Sweet  the  song  as  song  could  bo 
And  she  had  no  thought  beside ; 

All  the  words  unheedingly 
Fell  from  lips  untouched  by  care, 

Dreaming  not  that  each  might  bo, 
On  some  other  lips,  a  prayer — 

"  Rock  of  Ages,  cleft  for  me, 
Let  me  hide  myself  in  Thee." 

"Rock  of  Ages,  cleft  for  me—" 

'Twas  a  woman  sung  them  now, 
Pleadingly  and  prayerfully ; 

Every  word  her  heart  did  know. 
Rose  the  song  as  »<tonn-tossed  bird 

Heats  with  weary  wing  the  air, 
Every  note  with  hojtow  Klirrod, 

Every  syllable  a  prayer— 
"Rock  of  Ages,  cleft  for  me, 
Let  me  hide  myself  in  Thee." 

"  Rock  of  Ages,  cleft  for  mo—" 

Lips  grown  aged  sung  the  bymn 
Trustingly  and  trmderly, 

Voice  grown  weak  and  eyes  gi-own  dim- 

"Let  me  hide  myself  in  Thee." 

Trembling  through  the  voice,  and  low. 


AKOKYMOOS. 


94  FEEDING   THE    BLACK   FILLIES. 

liosc  the  sweet  strain  peacefully 

As  a  river  iu  its  flow ; 
Sung  as  only  they  can  sing, 

"\7ho  life's  thorny  paths  have  pressed; 
Sung  as  only  they  can  sing 

"Who  behold  the  promised  rest. 

"  Rock  of  Ages,  cleft  for  me," 

Sung  above  a  cofBn-lid ;  / 

Underneath,  all  restfully. 

All  life's  cares  and  sorrows  hid. 
Never  more,  0  storm-tossed  soul. 

Never  more  from  wind  or  tide. 
Never  more  from  billows'  roll 

"Wilt  thou  need  thyself  to  hide. 
Could  the  sightless,  sunken  eyes. 

Closed  beneath  the  soft  gray  hair. 
Could  the  mute  and  stiffened  lips, 

Move  again  in  pleading  prayer. 
Still,  aye  still  the  words  would  be, 
"  Let  me  hide  myself  in  Thee." 


FEEDING  THE  BLACK  FILLIES. 

ANO.VTMOtig. 

Kitchen  maids  are  so  often  bothered  in  their  household 
duties  by  the  gallantries  of  the  men  servants,  that  my  wife 
had  selected  one  from  the  Congo  race  of  negroes,  ugly  to 
look  at,  but  good-tempered,  and  black  as  your  hat.  Pbillis 
was  her  name,  and  a  more  faithful,  devoted,  and  patient 
creature  we  never  had  around  us.  I  have  thus  introduced 
her  to  my  hearers,  because  she  was  a  con'spicuous  personage 
in  some  of  the  droll  incidents  connected  with  my  taking 
into  service  a  queer  specimen  of  a  Patlander,  by  name 
Peter  Mulrooney. 

Mulrooney  applied  to  me  for  a  situation  as  groom,  in  the 
place  of  one  I  had  just  dismissed;  and  on  my  inquiring  if 
be  could  give  me  a  reference  as  to  his  character  and  quali- 


FEEDING   THE   BLACK   FILLIES.  95 

fications,  he  mentioned  the  name  of  Mr.  David  Urban  (a 
personal  friend  of  mine),  with  whom  he  had  lived.  "  An' 
8m*e,"  said  he  with  enthusiasm,  ''  there  isn't  a  dacenter 
jintleman  in  all  Amerik y." 

"  I  am  happy  to  hear  him  so  well  spoken  of,"  said  T, 
*'  but  if  you  were  so  much  attached  to  him,  why  did  you 
quit  his  service  V 

"  Sorra  one  o'  me  knows,"  said  he,  a  little  evasively,  as  I 
thought.     ''  Ayeh !  but  'twasn't  his  fiiult,  anyhow." 

"  I  dare  say  not;  but  what  did  you  do  after  you  left  Mr. 
Urban  ?" 

"  Och,  bad  luck  to  me,  sir  !  'twas  the  foolishest  thing  in 
the  world.     I  married  a  widdy,  sir." 

"And  became  a  householder,  eh?" 

"  Augh  !"  he  exclaimed,  with  an  expression  of  intense 
disgust,  "  the  hous^e  wouldn't  hould  me  long;  'twas  too  hot 
for  that,  I  does  be  thinkiu'." 

"  Uumph  !  You  found  the  widow  too  fond  of  having  her 
own  way,  I  suppose  f    " 

"  Thrue  for  you,  sir ;  an'  a  mighty  crooked  way  it  was, 
that  same,  an'  that's  no  lie." 

"  She  managed  to  keej)  you  straight,  I  dare  say." 

"  Straight !  Och,  by  the  povvhers,  Misther  Stanley,  yo 
may  say  that !  If  I'd  swallowed  a  soger's  ramrod,  'tisn't 
stralghter  I'd  have  been  !" 

"  And  the  result  was,  that,  not  approving  the  widow's 
discipline,  you  ran  away  and  left  her  ?" 

"  Sure  sir,  'twas  asior  done  nor  that.  Ilor  first  husband, 
bettluM"  luck  to  him,  saved  me  the  throuble." 

"  iler  first  husband  !  had  she  another  husband  living?" 

"Oh,  yi.s,  sir;  one  Mike  Connolly,  a  sayfarin'  man  who 
was  reported  dead  ;  but  lie  came  back  one  day,  an'  I  re- 
sthored  him  his  wife  and  childher.  Oh,  but  'twas  a  proud 
man  I  was  to  be  ai)lc  to  comfort  i)oor  Mike  by  givin'  him 
Jiis  lost  wife— an' ho  80  grateful,  too !  Ah,  sir,  ho  had  a 
ra'al  Irish  heart." 


96  FEEDIXG  THE   BLACK  PILLIES. 

Being  favorably  impressed  with  Peter's  genuine  good 
humor,  I  concluded  to  take  him  at  once  into  my  service. 
Nor  was  I  mistaken  in  his  character,  for  he  took  excellent 
care  of  my  horses,  and  kept  everything  suug  around  tlie 
stables.  One  day  I  thought  I  would  test  his  usefulness 
in  doctoring,  so  I  sent  for  him  to  the  house. 

"Peter,"  said  I,  ''do  you  think  I  could  trust  you  to  give 
the  black  filly  a  warm  mash  this  evening  ?" 

As  he  stared  at  me  for  a  minute  or  two  without  reply- 
ing, I  repeated  the  question. 

"Is  it  a  mash,  sir  "?"  said  he.  "  Sure,  an'  I'd  like  to  be 
plasin'  yer  honor  any  way,  an'  that's  no  lie." 

As  he  spoke,  however,  I  fancied  I  saw  a  strange  sort  of 
puzzled  expression  flit  across  his  face. 

"I  beg  pardin,  sir,"  continued  he,  "but  'tis  bothered  I 
am ;  will  I  be  afther  giviu'  her  an  ould  counthry  mash,  or 
an  Ameriky  mash  ?" 

"I  don't  know  if  there  is  any  difference  between  them," 
I  answered,  rather  puzzled  at  what  he  was  aiming,  but 
I  found  afterwards  that  he  didn't  know  what  a  mash  was. 

"  Arrah,  'tis  rasouable  enough  ye  shouldn't,"  said  Peter, 
"considerin'  that  yer  honor  niver  set  fut  in  ould  Ireland." 

"  Look  here,  Mulrooney,"  said  I,  impatiently,  "  I  want 
you  to  put  about  two  double  handfuls  of  bran  into  a  pail 
of  warm  water,  and,  after  stirring  the  mixture  well,  give 
it  to  the  black  filly.  That  is  what  we  call  a  bran  mash  in 
this  country.    Now,  do  you  perfectly  understand  me  ?" 

"  Good  luck  to  yer  honor  !"  replied  Peter,  looking  much 
relieved ;  for  he  had  got  the  information  he  was  fishing 
for.  "  Good  luck  to  yer  honor !  what  'ud  I  be  good  for, 
if  I  didn't  ?  sure,  'tis  the  ould  counthry  mash  afther  all." 

"  Perhaps  so  ;  but  be  sure  you  make  no  mistake." 

"Oh,  niver  fear,  sir,  I'll  do  it  illegant;  but  about  the 
warm  wather  ?" 

"  There's  plenty  to  be  had  in  the  kitchen." 

"  An'  the  naygur  ?  Will  I  say  till  her  it's  yer  honor's 
orthers  ?"  inquired  Peter,  earnestly. 


FEEDING  THE   BLACK  FILLIES.  1)7 

"  Certainly  ;  she'll  make  no  difficulty." 

"  Oh,  begorra!  'tisn't  a  traueeu  I  care  for  that;  but  will 
I  give  her  the  full  ov  the  bucket,  sir  I" 

"  'Twill  do  her  uo  harm,"  said  I,  carelessly.  With  that 
Peter  made  his  best  bow  and  left  my  presence. 

It  might  have  been  some  fifteen  minutes  after  this  that 
my  wife,  who  was  a  little  unwell  that  day,  came  into  the 
sitting-room,  saying,  "  I  wish  you'd  go  into  the  kitchen, 
George,  and  see  what's  the  difficulty  between  that  Irish- 
man and  Phillis ;  I  am  afraid  they  are  quarreling." 

At  that  moment  we  heard  a  crash  and  a  suppressed 
shriek.  I  hurried  from  the  room,  and  soon  heard,  as  I 
passed  through  the  hall,  an  increasing  clamor  in  the 
kitchen  beyond.     First  came  the  shrill  voice  of  Phillis. 

"You  jess  lebe  me  'lone,  now,  will  yer  ?  I  won't  hab 
nuffin  to  do  wid  de  stuff,  nairaway." 

"  You  ugly  an*  conthrary  ould  nayger,  don't  I  tell  ye 
'tis  the  masther's  ordhers?"  I  heard  Peter  respond. 

"  Taint  no  sech  ting.  Go  way,  you  poor  white  Irish 
trash  !  who  ebber  lieard  ob  'spectable  color'd  woman  a 
takin'  a  bran  mash,  I'd  Hke  to  know." 

The  reality  of  Peter's  ridiculous  blunder  flashed  upon 
me  at  once,  and  the  fun  of  the  thing  struck  me  so  irre- 
8i.stibly,  that  I  hesitated  for  a  moment  to  break  in  upon  it. 

"  Arrah,  be  aisy,  can't  ye?  an'  be  aftlier  takin'  it  down 
like  a  daccnt  naygnr,"  I  heard  Peter  say. 

"Go  way,  you  feller,"  screamed  Phillis,  "or  I'll  call 
raiasi.s,  dat  I  will." 

"Och,  be  this  an' he  that!"  Rays  Peter,  resolutely,  "if 
'tis  about  to  frightpn  the  beautiful  misthress  ye  are,  and 
Blio  Rick,  ton,  fit  this  same  time,  I'll  bo  afther  puttiu'  a 
filitop  to  thnf." 

Tintnediately  afterwards  came  a  short  scuffle,  and  llion  a 
.■stifled  scream.  Concluding  that  it  wa.s  now  time  for  mo  to 
interfere,  T  moved  quickly  on,  and  just  as  the  scuffling 
gave  way  to  smothered  sol)3  and  brokeji  ejaculations,   I 


98  THE   HOPwJfET. 

flung  open  the  door  and  looked  in.  The  first  thing  that 
caught  my  eye  was  Phillis  seated  in  a  chair,  sputtering 
and  gasping  ;  while  Mulrooney,  holding  her  head  under 
his  left  arru,  was  employing  his  right  hand  in  conveying 
a  tin  cup  of  bran  mash  from  the  bucket  at  his  side  to  her 
upturned  mouth. 

"What  in  the  name  of  all  that  is  good  are  you  doing 
now,  Peter  ?"  said  I. 

"Sure,  sir,  what  wud  I  do  but  give  black  Phillis  the 
warm  mash,  accordin'  to  yer  honor's  ordbers  ?  Augh !  the 
haytheu.  Bad  cess  to  her  !  'tis  throuble  enough  I've  had 
to  make  her  rasonable  and  obadient,  an'  that's  no  lie — the 
stupid  ould  thafe  of  a  naygur." 

The  reader  may  imagine  the  finale  to  so  rich  a  scene ; 
even  my  wife,  sick  as  she  was,  caught  the  infection,  and 
laughed  heartily.  As  for  Peter,  the  last  I  heard  of  him 
that  evening  was  his  muttering,  as  he  walked  away — 

"Ayeh!  why  didn't  he  tell  me?  If  they  call  naygurs 
fillies,  and  horses  fillies,  sure  an'  how  the  divil  should  I 
know  the  differ  ?" 

Peter  remained  in  my  service  five  years,  duriug  which 
period  he  treated  Phillis  with  great  deference. 


THE  HORNET. 

JOSH  BILLINGS. 

The  hornet  is  an  inflammibel  buzzer,  sudden  in  hiz 
impreshuns  and  hasty  in  hiz  conclusion,  or  end. 

Hiz  natral  disposishun  iz  a  warm  cross  between  red  pep- 
per in  the  pod  and  fusil  oil,  and  hiz  moral  bias  iz,  "  git  out 
ov  mi  way." 

They  have  a  long,  black  boddy,  divided  in  the  middle 
by  a  waist  spot,  but  their  phisikal  importance  lays  at  the 
terminous  of  their  subberb,  in  the  shape  ov  a  javelin. 

This  javelin  iz  alwuz  loaded,  and  stands  reddy  to  unload 
at  a  minnit's  warning,  and  enters  a  man  az  still  az  thought. 


THE  HOE:^^ET.  99 

az  spry  az  litening,  and  az  full  ov  melankolly  az  the  tooth- 
ache. 

Hornets  never  argy  a  case ;  they  settle  awl  ov  their  dif- 
ferences ov  opinyou  by  letting  their  javelin  fly,  and  are  az 
certain  to  hit  az  a  mule  iz. 

This  testy  kritter  lives  in  congregations  numbering 
about  100  souls,  but  whether  they  iz  mail  or  female,  or 
conservative,  or  matched  in  bonds  of  wedlock,  or  whether 
they  iz  Mormons,  and  a  good  many  ov  them  kling  together 
and  keep  one  husband  to  save  expense,  I  don't  kuo  nor 
don't  kare. 

I  never  have  examined  their  habits  much,  I  never  kou- 
sideredit  healthy. 

Hornets  build  their  nests  wherever  they  take  a  noshun 
to,  and  seldom  are  disturbed,  for  what  would  it  profit  a 
man  tew  kill  99  hornets  and  hav  the  100th  one  hit  him 
with  hiz  javelin  ? 

They  bild  their  nests  ov  paper,  without  enny  windows  to 
them  or  back  doors.  They  hav  but  one  place  ov  admis- 
sion into  the  family  circul,  and  the  nest  iz  the  shape  ov  an 
overgrown  pineapple,  and  iz  cut  up  into  just  as  many  bed- 
rooms as  there  iz  hornets. 

It  iz  very  simi)le  to  make  a  hornet's  nest — if  you  kan — 
but  i  will  wager  enny  man  300  dollars  he  kant  bild  one 
that  he  could  sell  to  a  hornet  for  half  price. 

They  hav  found  out,  by  tricing  it,  that  all  they  can  git 

.  in  this  world,  and  brag  on,  is  their  vittles  and  clothes,  and 

yii  never  see  one  standing  on  the  corner  ov  a  street,  with  a 

twenty-six  inch  face  on,  bekausc  sum  bank  had  run  oi)h 

and  took  their  money  with  them. 

I  suppo.se  this  unea.sy  world  would  grind  around  on  its 

le-trco  onst  in  24  hours,  even  ef  tharo  want  enny  hor- 
nets, but  hornets  must  be  good  for  sumthing,  but  I  can't 
think  just  now  what  it  iz. 

Thare  haint  been  a  bug  made  yet  in  vain,  nor  one  that 
wants  a  good  job  ;  there  is  ever  lots  of  human  men  k»afing 


100  THE   GLOVE  AND  THE  LIONS. 

around  black-smith's  shops,  and  cider-mills,  and  gin-mills, 
all  over  the  country,  that  don't  seem  to  be  nessesary  for 
anything  but  to  beg  plug  tobacco  and  swear,  and  steal 
water  melons,  but  you  let  the  cholera  break  out  once,  and 
then  you  will  see  the  wisdom  of  haying  jist  sich  men  lay- 
ing around  ;  they  help  count.     /  .  ,  .i_>f  "  i 

The  hornet  iz  an  unsoshall  IM*)  he  Iz  a  thorough-bred 
bug,  but  his  breeding  and  refinement  has  made  him  like 
sum  other  folks  I  know  ov,  dissatisfied  with  himself  and 
every  boddy  else ;  too  much  good  breeding  ackts  this  way 
sometimes. 

Hornets  are  long-lived — I  kant  state  jist  how  long  their 
lives  are,  but  I  know  from  instinkt  and  observashen  that 
enny  krittur,  be  he  bug  or  be  he  devil,  who  iz  mad  all  the 
time,  and  stings  every  good  chance  he  kan  git,  generally 
outlives  all  his  nabers. 

The  only  good  way  tew  git  at  the  exact  fiteing  weight  of 
the  hornet  is  tew  tutch  him  up ;  jist  let  him  hit  you  once 
with  his  javelin,  and  you  will  be  willin  to  testify  in  court 
that  somebody  run  a  one-tined  pitchfork  into  yer  ;  and  as 
for  grit,  i  will  state,  for  the  iuformashun  of  thoze  who 
haven't  had  a  chance  tew  lay  in  their  vermin  wisdom  az 
freely  az  I  hav,  that  one  single  hornet,  who  feels  well,  will 
brake  up  a  large  camp-meetin. 


THE  GLOVE  AND  THE  LIONS. 

READ  BY  J.  M.  BELLEW.  Leigh  hunt. 

King  Francis  was  a  hearty  king,  and  loved  a  royal  sport, 
And  one  day,  as  his  lions  strove,  sat  looking  on  the  court; 
The  nobles  fill'd  the  benches  round,  the  ladies  by  their  side, 
And  'mongst  them  Count  de  Lorge,  with  one  he  hoped  to  make 

his  bride : 
And  truly  'twas  a  gallant  thing  to  see  that  crowning  show, 
Valor  and  love,  and  a  king  above,  and  the  royal  beasts  below. 


"I  VAXT  TO  FLY."  101 

Eamped  and  roared  the  lious,  -R-ith  horrid  laughing  jaws; 

They  bit,  they  glared,  gave  blows  like  beams,  a  wiud  went  with 

their  paws ; 

Vith  wallowiug  might  and  stifled  roar  they  rolled  one  on  another, 

Till  all  the  pit,  with  sand  and  maue,  was  in  a  thund'rous  smother ; 

The  blood}'  foam  above  the  bars  came  whizzing  through  the  air  ; 

^Said  Francis  then,   "Good  geutlemeu,   we're  better  here  than 

there !" 

De  Lorge's  love  o'erheard  the  king — a  beauteous,  lively  dame, 
"With  smiling  lips,  and  sharp  bright  eyes,  which  always  seem'd 

the  same  : 
She  thought,  "  The  Count,  my  lover,  is  as  brave  as  brave  can  be; 
He  surely  would  do  desperate  things  to  show  his  love  of  me  ! 
King,  ladies,  lovers,  all  look  on;  the  chance  is  wondrous  fine; 
I'll  drop  my  gl(»ve  to  prove  liis  lovQ ;  great  glory  will  be  mine  !" 

She  dropp'd  her  glove  to  prove  his  love  :  then  looked  on  him  and 

smiled ; 
lie  bowed,  and  in  a  moment  leaped  among  the  lions  wild  ! 
The  leap  was  quick  ;  return  was  quick  ;    he  soon  regained  his 

place ; 
Then  threw  the  glove,  but  not  with  love,  right  in  the  lady's  face  ! 
"  Well  done  !"  cried  Francis,  "bravely  done  !"  and  he  rose  from 

where  he  sat : 
"  2fo  love,"  quoth  he,  "  but  vanity,  sets  love  a  task  like  that !" 


I  VANT  TO  FLY. 


NONYMona 


•Shortly  before  the  conclusion  of  the  war  with  Napoleon 
there  were  a  number  of  French  officers  in  an  inland  town 
on  their  parole  of  honor.  Now,  one  gentleman  being  tired 
with  the  usual  routine  of  eating,  drinking,  gambling,  smok- 
ing, &c.,  therefore,  in  order  to  anuise  liimsulf  otlicruiso, 
resolved  to  go  a-lishing.  His  host  supplied  him  wilh  rod 
and  line,  but  being  in  want  of  arlilicial  lUcis,  went  in  search 
ofa  fishing  tackle  maker's  shop.  Having  found  one,  kept  by 
a  plain  pain.s-takiug  John  Bull,  our  Frenchman  entered, 


102  "  I   VAifT   TO   I'LT." 

aud,  with  a  Low,  a  cringe,  and  a  shrug  of  the  shoulders, 
thus  began : — 

''Ah,  Monsieur  Anglaise,  comment  vous  portez-vous  !" 

"Eh,  that's  French,"  exclaimed  the  shopkeeper;  "not 
that  I  understand  it,  but  I'm  very  well,  if  that's  what  you 
mean." 

"Bon,  bon,  ver  good;  den,  saire,  I  sail  tell  you,  I  vant 
deux  fly." 

"  I  dare  say  you  do,  Mounseer,"  replied  the  Englishman, 
"  and  so  do  a  great  many  more  of  your  outlandish  gentry ; 
but  I'm  a  true-born  Briton,  and  can  never  consent  to  as- 
sist the  enemies  of  my  country  to  leave  it — particularly 
when  they  cost  us  so  much  to  bring  them  here." 

"Ah,  Monsieur,  you  no  comprehend;  I  s^iall  repeate,  I 
vant  deux  fly,  on  the  top  of  de  vater." 

"  Oh  !  what,  you  want  to  fly  by  water,  do  you  ?  then  I'm 
sure  I  can't  assist  you,  for  we  are  at  least  a  hundred  miles 
from  the  sea-coast,  and  our  canal  is  not  navigable  above 
ten  or  twelve  miles  from  here." 

"  Diable  !  sare,  you  are  un  stup  of  the  block,  I  sail  tell 
you  once  seven  times  over  again — I  vant  deux  fly  on  the 
top  of  de  vater,  to  dingle  dangle  at  the  end  of  de  long 
pole." 

"Ay,  ay  !  you  only  fly,  Mounseer,  by  laud  or  water,  and 
if  they  catch  you,  I'll  be  hanged  if  they  won't  dingle  dangle 
you,  as  you  call  it,  at  the  end  of  along  pole." 

"  Sacre  un  de  dieu !  la  bias  !  vat  you  mean  by  dat,  enfer 
diable  1  you  are  un  bandit  jack  of  de  ass,  Johnny  de  Bull. 
Ba,  ba,  you  are  eflfrontee,  and  I  disgrace  me  to  parley  vid 
you.  I  tell  you,  sare,  dat  I  vant  deux  fly  on  the  top  of  de 
vater,  to  dingle  dangle  at  the  end  of  the  long  pole,  to  la 
trap  poissou." 

"  What's  that  you  say,  you  French  Mounseer — you'll  lay 
a  trap  to  poison  me  and  all  my  family  because  I  won't  as- 
sist you  to  escape  ?  why,  the  like  was  never  heard.  Here, 
Betty,  go  for  the  constable." 


"I  VAXT  TO  FLY."  103 

The  constable  soou  arrived,  who  happened  to  he  as  ig- 
norant as  the  shoplieeper,  and  of  course  it  was  not  expected 
that  a  constable  should  be  a  scholar.  Thus  the  man  of 
olfice  began : — 

"\Yhat's  all  this?  Betty  has  been  telling  me  that  this 
here  outlandish  Frenchman  is  going  to  poison  you  and  all 
your  family  ?  Ay,  ay,  I  should  like  to  catch  him  at  it, 
that's  all.     Come,  come  to  prison,  you  delinquent." 

"  No,  sare,  I  sail  not  go  to  de  prison ;  take  mo  before  de 
what  you  call  it^-de  ting  that  nibble  de  grass  ?" 

"  Nibble  grass  ?    You  mean  sheep  f " 

"No,  I  mean  de — de — " 

"  Oh,  you  mean  the  cow." 

"No,  sare,  not  the  cow;  you  stup  Johnny  boeuf— I  mean 
de  cheval,  vat  you  ride.  [Imitating.]  Come,  sare,  gee  up. 
Ab,  ha." 

"  Oh,  now  I  know,  you  mean  a  horse." 

"  No,  sare,  I  mean  de  horse's  vife." 

"  What,  the  mare  ?" 

"  Oui,  bon,  yes,  sare,  take  me  to  de  mayor." 

This  request  was  complied  with,  and  the  French  officer 
soon  stood  before  the  English  magistrate,  who,  by  chance, 
happened  to  bo  better  informed  than  his  neiglibors,  and 
thus  explained  the  dilemma  of  the  unfortunate  Frenchman, 
to  the  satisfaction  of  all  parties— 

"You  hare  mistaken  the  intention  of  this  honest  gentle- 
man ;  he  did  not  want  to  fly  the  country,  but  to  go  a-fish- 
ing,  a«id  for  that  purpose  went  to  your  shop  to  purchase 
two  flies,  by  way  of  bait,  or,  as  he  expressed  it,  to  la  trap 
la  poisson.     Poisson,  in  French,  is  fisli." 

"  Why,  aye,"  ropliod  the  shopkeeper,  "  that  may  be  true; 
you  are  a  scholard,  and  so  you  know  better  than  I.  Poi- 
son, in  French,  may  bo  very  good  flsh,  but  give  mo  good 
old  English  roast  beef." 


104  THAT   DOG   OF  JIM   SMILET'S. 


THAT  DOG  OF  JIM  SMILEY'S. 


MARK   TWAIN. 


Did  I  ever  tell  you  about  Smiley's  dog  ?  Well,  he  had 
a  little  small  bull  pup,  that  to  look  at  him  you'd  thiuk  he 
wau't  worth  a  cent,  but  to  set  around  and  look  ornery,  and 
lay  for  a  chance  to  steal  something.  But  as  soon  as  money 
was  up  on  him,  he  was  a  different  dog ;  his  under  jaw'd 
begin  to  stick  out  like  the  fo'castle  of  a  steamboat,  and 
his  teeth  would  uncover  and  shine  savage  like  the  furnaces. 
And  a  dog  might  tackle  him,  and  bully-rag  him,  and  bite 
him,  and  throw  him  over  his  shoulder,  two  or  three  times, 
and  Andrew  Jackson— which  was  the  name  of  the  pup — 
Andrew  Jackson  would  never  let  on  but  what  he  was  sat- 
isfied, and  hadn't  expected  nothing  else — and  the  bets 
being  doubled  and  doubled  on  the  other  side  all  the  time, 
till  the  money  was  all  up ;  and  then  all  of  a  sudden  he 
would  grab  that  other  dog  jest  by  the  j'int  of  his  hind  leg 
and  freeze  to  it — not  chaw,  you  understand,  but  only  jest 
grip  and  hang  on  till  they  throwed  up  the  sponge,  if  it  was 
a  year.  Smiley  always  come  out  winner  on  that  pup,  till 
he  harnessed  a  dog  once  that  didn't  have  no  hind  legs, 
because  they'd  been  sawed  off  by  a  circular  saw,  and  when 
the  thing  had  gone  along  far  enough,  and  the  money  was 
all  up,  and  he  come  to  make  a  snatch  for  his  pet  holt,  he 
saw  in  a  minute  how  he'd  been  imposed  on,  and  how  the 
other  dog  had  him  in  the  door,  so  to  speak,  and  he  'peared 
surprised,  and  then  he  looked  sorter  discouraged  like,  and 
didn't  try  no  more  to  win  the  fight,  and  so  he  got  shucked 
out  bad.  He  give  Smiley  a  look,  as  much  as  to  say  his 
heart  was  broke,  and  it  was  Ms  fault,  for  putting  up  a  dog 
that  hadn't  no  hind  legs  for  him  to  take  holt  of,  which  was 
his  main  dependence  in  a  fight,  and  then  he  limped  off  a 
piece  and  laid  down  and  died.  It  was  a  good  pup,  was 
that  Andrew  Jackson,  and  would  have  made  a  name  for 
hisself  if  he'd  lived,  for  the  stuff  was  in  him,  and  he  had 


THE   STORY   OF  THE   FAITHFUL   SOUL.  105 

genius — I  know  it,  because  lie  hadn't  had  no  opportunities 
to  speak  of,  and  it  don't  stand  to  reason  that  a  dog  could 
make  such  a  fight  as  he  could  under  them  circumstances, 
if  he  hadn't  no  talent.  It  always  makes  me  feel  sorry 
when  I  think  of  that  last  fight  of  Andrew  Jackson's,  and 
the  way  it  turned  out. 


THE  STORY  OF  THE  FAITHFUL  SOUL. 

HEAD  BY    J.   M.    BELUiW.  ADELAIDE   PBOCTCE. 

The  fettered  spirits  linger 

In  purgatorial  pain, 
"With  penal  fires  effacing 

Their  la.st  faint  earthly  stain, 
■Wliich  Life's  imperfect  sorrow 

Had  tried  to  cleanse  in  vain. 

Yet,  on  each  feast  of  Mary, 

Tlieir  sorrow  finds  release, 
For  the  Great  Archangel  Micliael 

Comes  down  and  hids  it  cease  ; 
And  the  name  of  these  brief  respites 

Is  called  "  Our  Lady's  Peace." 

Yet  once — so  runs  the  legend — 

"When  the  Archangel  came, 
And  all  these  holy  spirits 

Kfjoiced  at  Mary's  narao, 
One  voice  alone  was  wailing, 

Still  wailing  on  the  same. 

And  though  a  great  Te  Deum 

Tlie  haj)py  echoes  woke. 
This  one  discordant  wailing 

Thmngh  the  sweet  voices  broke  : 
So  wlion  St.  Michael  questioned. 

Thus  the  poor  spirit  spoke  : 

"  I  am  not  cold  or  thankless, 
Although  I  still  complain  ; 


lOG  THE  STORY    OF  THE   FAITHFUL  SOUL. 

I  prize  our  Lady's  blessing, 
Although  it  comes  in  vain 

To  still  my  bitter  anguish, 
Or  quench  my  ceaseless  pain. 

"  On  earth  a  heart  that  loved  me 
Still  lives  and  mourns  me  there, 

And  the  shadow  of  his  anguish 
Is  more  than  I  can  bear  ; 

All  the  torment  that  I  suffer 
Is  the  thought  of  his  despair. 

"The.  evening  of  my  bridal. 
Death  took  my  life  away  ; 

!N"ot  all  love's  passionate  pleading 
Could  gain  an  hour's  delay. 

And  he  I  left  has  suffered 
A  whole  year  since  that  day. 

"  If  I  could  only  see  him — 

If  I  could  only  go 
And  speak  one  word  of  comfort 

And  solace — then  I  know 
He  would  endure  with  patience. 

And  strive  against  his  woe." 

Thus  the  Archangel  answered : 
"  Tour  time  of  pain  is  brief, 
And  soon  the  peace  of  Heaven 

"Will  give  you  full  relief; 
Yet  if  his  earthly  comfort 

So  much  outweighs  your  grief, 

"Then,  through  a  special  mercy 
I  offer  you  this  grace — 

Ton  may  seek  him  who  mourns  you. 
And  look  upon  his  face, 

And  speak  to  him  of  comfort 
For  one  short  minutes'  space. 

"  But  when  that  time  is  ended, 
Return  here,  and  remain 


THE   STOKT   OF   THE   FAITHFUL   SOUL.  107 

A  thousand  years  in  torment, 

A  thousand  years  in  pain ; 
Thus  dearly  must  you  purchase 

The  comfort  he  will  ffaiu." 


The  lime-trees'  shade  at  eveuiug 
Is  spreading  broad  and  wide ; 

Beneath  their  fragrant  arches, 
Pace  slowly,  side  by  side, 

In  low  and  tender  converse, 
A  Bridegroom  and  his  Bride. 

The  night  is  calm  and  stilly, 

Xo  other  sound  is  there 
Except  their  happy  voices  ; 

Vhat  is  that  cold  bleak  air 
That  passes  through  the  lime-trees, 

And  stirs  the  Bridegroom's  hair? 

While  one  low  cry  of  anguish, 
Like  the  last  dying  wail 

Of  some  dumb,  hunted  creature, 
Is  borne  upon  the  gale — 

TVTiy  does  the  Bridegroom  shudder 
And  turn  so  deathly  pale  ? 


Near  Purgatory's  entrance 
The  radiant  Angels  wait ; 

It  was  the  great  St.  Michael 
Who  closed  that  gloomy  gate, 

"When  the  poor  wandering  spirit 
Came  back  to  meet  her  fate. 

'  Pass  on,"  thus  spoke  the  Angol ; 
"  Heaven's  joy  is  deep  and  vast  ; 
Pass  on,  pass  on,  poor  spirit, 

For  Ueavcn  is  yours  at  last ; 
lu  that  one  minute's  anguish 

Your  thousand  years  have  passejl." 


108  "ilT  JTEW  PITTATATEES.'' 

''MY   NEW  PITTAYATEES." 

AXOXTMOrS. 

Enter  Katty,  icith  a  gray  cloak,  a  dirty  cap,  and  a  hJacIc  eye;  a 
sieve  of  potatoes  on  her  head,  and  a  "  trifle  o'  sj^er'tn"  in  it. 
Katty  meanders  down  Patrick  Street. 

Katty. — ''My  new pittayatecs !  My-a-new ^Mtayatees  ! 
My  new — " 

{Meeting  afriend^ 

Sally,  darlin',  is  that  you  ? 

Sallt. — Throth.  it's  myself;  and  what's  the  matther 
wid  you,  Katty  ? 

Kat. — 'Deed  my  heart's  bruk,  cryin' — "  New  inttaya- 
tees .'" — cryin'  afther  that  vagabone. 

Sal.— Is  it  Mike  ? 

Kat. — Throth,  it's  himself  indeed. 

Sal. — And  what  is  it  he  done  ? 

Kat. — Och !  he  ruined  me  with  \ns,—"  New  pittayatees !" 
— with  his  goin's-an.  Yis,  my  darlint ;  he  kem  home  th' 
other  night,  blazin' blind  dhrunk,  cryin'  ont-:- "  New pit- 
tay-a-tces  V — roariu'  and  bawlin'.  that  you'd  think  he'd 
rise  the  roof  aft"  o'  the  house. 

"  Bad  luck  attend  you  ;  bad  cess  to  you,  you  pot-wal- 
lopin'  varmint,"  says  he  (maynin'  me,  if  you  plaze),  "  wait 
till  I  ketch  you,  you  sthrap,  and  it's  I'll  give  you  your  fill 
iv" — "New  pittayatees  !" — "your  fill  iv  a  licking,  if  ever 
you  got  it,"  says  he. 

So,  with  that,  I  knew  the  villian  was  mulvathered.* 

Musha!  wait  till  you  hear  the  ind  o' my — "Neiv  xnt- 
tayatces .'" — o'  my  throublcs,  and  it's  then  you'll  open  your 
eyes — "  My  neiv  pittayatees !" 

Well,  as  he  was  comin'  up-stairs  (knowin'  how  it  ud  be,) 
I  thought  it  best  to  take  care  o'  my — "  My  new  pittayatees  /" 
— to  take  care  o'  myself;  so  with  that  I  put  the  bowlt  an  the 
door,  betune  me  and  danger,  and  kep'  listnin'  at  the  key- 
hole; and  sure  enough,  what  should  I  hear  but — "  Neto 

*  Intoxicated. 


"  MT   XEW   riTTATATEES."  109 

pittai/atees  P' — but  the  vagabone  gi'opin'  his  way  rouud  the 
cruked  tura  iu  the  stair,  and  tumblin'  afther  into  the  hole 
in  the  flure  an  the  landiu',  and  whin  he  come  to  himself  he 
gov  a  thuuderin'  thump  at  the  door.  "Who's  there?" 
says  I;  says  he — " New 2>ittai/atces !" — ''Let  nie  in,"  says 
he,  "you  vagabone,"  (swarein'  by  what  I  wouldn't  min- 
tion),  "  or  by  this  and  that,  I'll  massacray  you,"  says  he, 
"within  an  inch  o'" — "■New  pittai/atees !" — "within  an  ^. 
inch  o'  your  life,"  says  he.  "  ]!ilikee,  darlint,"  says  I,  sooth- 
erin  him — ^'^  New  pittaijdtees  !" — with  a  tindher  word,  so 
says  I,  "^likee,  you  villain,  you're  disguised,"  says  I, 
"you're  disguised,  dear." 

"  You  lie,"  says  he,  "you  impident  sthrap,  I'm  not  dis- 
guised," says  he,  "  I'll  make  you  know  the  diflfer,"  says  he. 

Oh  !  I  thought  the  life  id  lave  me  when  I  heered  him 
say  the  word  ;  and  with  tliat  I  pat  my  hand  an — "  Mij  new 
jiittayatees .'" — an  the  latch  o'  the  door,  to  purvint  it  from 
slippin;  and  he  ups  and  he  gives  a  wicked  kick  at  the 
door,  and  says  he,  "  If  you  don't  let  me  in  this  miuit,"  says 
be,  "  I'll  bo  the  death  o'  your  " — "  Neiv  pittayatces  !" — 
"  o'  yourself  and  your  dirty  breed,"  says  he.  Tliiiik  o' 
that,  Sallic,  dear,  to  abuse  my  relations! 

Dirty  breed,  indeed  !  By  my  sowkins,  they're  as  good 
as  his  any  day  in  the  year,  and  was  never  behoulden  to — 
"  Neio  piUayatces .'" — to  go  a  beggiu'  to  the  mendicity  for 
their  dirty — "  Neto  pittayatces  .'" — their  dirty  washin's  o' 
pots,  and  sarvints'  lavins,  and  dog's  bones. 

Well,  at  the  word,  "dirty  breed,"  I  knew  full  well  the 
bad  dhrop  was  up  in  him — and,  faith,  it's  soon  and  suddiiit 
he  made  me  sensible  av  it,  for  the  first  word  he  said  was — 
"  New  pittayatees  .'"—the  first  word  ho  said  was  to  put  his 
shouUler  to  the  door,  and  in  ho  bursted  the  door,  fallin' 
down  in  the  middle  o'  the  flure,  cryin'  out — "  Neir  2^ittay- 
atrcs  r'—cvy'm'  out,  "  Bad  luck  attind  you,"  says  he,  "  how 
dar'  you  refuse  to  lit  me  into  my  own  house,  you  sthnii), 
agin  the  law  o'  tlie  land  ?"  siiys  he,  .■-•crnniblin'  np  on  lii.s 


110  "MY  NEW   riTTATATEES." 

pins  agin,  as  well  as  he  could ;  and,  as  he  was  risin',  says 
I — '^  New  pittayatees !" — says  I  to  him,  (screechin'  out 
loud,  that,  the  neighhors  in  the  flure  helow  might  hear  me, 
"  Miliee,  my  darliut,"  says  I. 

'.'  Keep  the  pace,  you  vagabone,"  says  he ;  and  with  that, 
he  hits  me  a  lick  av  a — "  New  pittui/atees  /"^-a  lick  av  a 
stick  he  had  in  his  hand,  and  down  I  fell  (and  small  blame 
to  me),  down  I  fell  on  the  flure,  cryin' — "  Netv  pittayatees  P' 
— cryin  out,  "  Murther !  murther  !" 

As  I  was  risin,  my  jew'l,  he  was  going  tosthrek  me  agin  ; 
and  with  that  I  cried — ^^  New  piittayatees !" — I  cried  out, 
"  Fair  play,  Mikee,"  says  I,  "  don't  sthrek  a  man  down  ;" 
but  he  wouldn't  listen  to  rayson,  and  was  goin'  to  hit  me 
agin,  when  I  put  up  the  child  that  was  in  my  arms  betuue 
me  and  harm.  *'  Look  at  your  babby,  Mikee,"  says  I. 
''Oh,"  says  I,  "Mikee,  darl  hit,  don't  sthrek  the  babby;" 
but,  my  dear,  before  the  word  was  out  o'  my  mouth,  he 
sthruk  the  babby.  (I  thought  the  life  id  lave  me.)  And, 
ivcoorse,  the  poor  babby,  that  never  spuk  a  word,  began 
to  cry— ^^Neiv  pittat/atees  P'—hegnn  to  cry,  and  roar,  and 
bawl,  and  no  wondher. 

And,  my  jew'l,  the  neighbors  in  the  flure  below,  hearin' 
the  scrimmage,  kem  runnin'  up  the  stairs,  cryin'  out — "  New 
pittayatees  ."'—cryin'  out,  ''  Watch,  watch  !  Mikee  M'Evoy," 
says  they,  "  would  you  murther  your  wife,  you  villain  ?" 
"What's  that  to  you?"  says  he;  "isn't  she  my  own  ?" 
says  he,  "  and  if  I  plaze  to  make  her  feel  the  weight  o'  my" 
— "  Neiv  pittayatecs !"—"  the  weight  o'  my  fist,  what's  that 
to  you  ?"  says  he  ;  "  it's  none  o'  your  business,  anyhow,  so 
keep  your  tongue  in  your  jaw,  and  'twill  be  betther  for 
yonr"—"  New  pittayatees  P'—"  ^t\vill  be  betther  for  your 
health,  I'm  thinkin',  "  says  he;  and  with  that  he  looked 
cruked  at  thim,  and  squared  up  to  one  o'  thim  (a  poor  de- 
finceless  craythur,  a  tailor).  But  the  tailor's  wife  (and,  by 
my  sowl,  it's  she  that's  the  sthrapper),  says  she,  "  Let 
me  at  hkn,"  says  she  ;  "  it's  I  that  used  to  give  a  man 


MAKT   AXX'S   WEDBIXG.  Ill 

a  lickin'  every  day  in  the  week  ;  and  she  wint  bally- 
raggin  him ;  and,  by  gov,  they  all  tuk  patthern  afther  her, 
and  abused  him,  my  dear,  to  that  degree,  that  I  vow  the 
very  dogs  in  the  sthreet  wouldn't  lick  his  blood.  And  with 
that,  one  and  all,  they  begun  to  cry—"  New  pittayatecs  P' 
—and  they  just  tuk  him  up  by  the  scruff  o'  the  neck,  and 
threw  him  down  the  stairs;  every  step  he'd  take,  you'd 
think  he'd  brake  his  neck,  thank  goodness,  and  so  I  got 
rid  o'  the  ruffin ;  and  then  they  left  me  cryiu'— "  New  pit- 
tai/utees ."'—cry'm'  afther  the  vagabone— though  the  angels 
knows  well  he  wasn't  deservin'  o'  cue  precious  drop  that 
fell  from  my  two  good-lookin  eyes  ;  and,  oh  !  but  the  con- 
dition he  left  me  in.  And  a  purty  sight  it  id  be,  if  you 
could  see  how  I  was  lyin'  in  the  middle  o'  the  flure,  cryiu' 
— "  JVe?t'  iM7^a^a/ee5 .'"— cryin'  and  roarin',  and  the  poor 
child,  with  bis  eye  knocked  out,  in  the  corner  cryiu' — 
^' New pittai/atees .'" — and,  indeed,  everyone  iu  the  place 
was  cryin'— "  New  pittayatecs  .'"—and  divil  a  thing  had  I 
to  put  inside  my  face,  nor  a  dhrop  to  dlirink,  barrin  a  few 
— "  New irittayatees  .'"—a  few  grains  o'  tay,  and  the  ind  iv  a 
quarther  o'  sugar,  and  my  eyes  as  big  as  your  fist,  and  as 
black  as  the  pot  (savin'  your  presence).  But  I'll  not  brake 
your  heart  any  more,  Sally,  dear— "  iV^eey  pittayatees  I^'— 
Good-bye,  Sally,  darlint,  good-hjc—"  New  pittay-a-tees  P^ 


MARY  ANN'S  WEDDING. 

AS   UKLATEIJ    IIV    MI18.    J0.NE8.  asontmois. 

"  Wo  -were  all  preparing,"  said  Mrs.  Jones,  "  to  go  to  the 
wedding.  I  was  going,  father  was  going,  the  gals  were 
going,  and  we  were  going  to  take  the  baby;  Ijut  come  to 
drfss  the  baby,  could  not  find  the  baby's  shirt.  I'd  laid  a 
rlcan  one  rxitof  one  of  tin;  diawora  on  purpose.  I  know'd 
ji.st  wlicre  I  had  put  it ;  but  come  to  look  for  it  'twas 
gone. 


112  MART  ANN'S  WEDDING. 

"  'For  mercy's  sake,'  says  I,  *  gals,'  says  I,  'has  auy  on 
ye  seeu  that  baby's  shirt  f 

"Of  course  none  of 'em  had  seen  it;  and  I  looked,  and 
looked,  and  looked  again,  but  'twant  nowhere  to  be  found. 
'It's  the  strangest  thing  in  all  nature,'  says  I,  '  here  I  had 
the  shirt  in  my  hand  not  mor'n  ten  minutes  ago,  and  now 
it's  gone,  and  nobody  can  tell  where.  I  never  seed  the 
beat.  '  Gals,'  said  I,  '  do  look  iiround,  can't  ye  V  But 
fretting  wouldn't  And  it ;  so  I  gave  it  up,  and  I  went  to 
the  bureau,  and  fished  up  another  shirt,  and  put  it  onto 
the  baby,  and  at  last  we  were  ready  for  a  start. 

"  Father  harnessed  up  a  double  team — we  drove  the  old 
white  mare  then,  and  the  gals  and  all  was  having  a  good 
time,  going  to  see  Mary  Ann  married,  but  somehow  I 
couldn't  git  over  that  shirt !  'Twant  the  shirt  so  much  ; 
but  to  have  anything  spirited  away  from  under  my  face  and 
eyes  so,  'twas  provokin' ! 

'  What  ye  thinking  about,  mother  V  says  Sophrony  ; 
'  What  makes  you  look  so  sober  V  says  she. 

'I'm  pestered  to  death,  thinking  about  that  ere  shirt. 
One  of  you  must  have  took  it,  I  am  sartin,'  says  I. 

'  Now,  ma,'  says  Sophrony,  '  you  needn't  say  that,' — 
and  as  I'd  laid  onto  her  a  good  many  times,  she  was  be- 
ginning to  get  vexed,  and  so  we  had  it  back  and  forth, 
and  all  about  that  baby's  shirt,  till  wegot  to  the  wedding. 

"  Seeing  company  kinder  put.it  out  of  mind,  and  I  was 
getting  good-natured  again,  though  I  could  not  help  say- 
ing to  myself  every  few  minutes,  '  What  could  have  be- 
come of  that  shirt?'  till  at  last  they  stood  up  to  be  mar- 
ried, and  I  forgot  all  about  it. 

"Mary  Ann  was  a  real  modest  creature,  and  was  mor'n 
half  frightened  to  death  when  she  came  into  the  room 
with  Stephen,  and  the  minister  told  them  to  jine  hands. 
She  first  gave  her  left  hand  to  Stephen.  '  Your  other 
hand,' says  the  minister;  and  poor  Steve,  he  was  so  bashful, 
too,  he  didn't  know  what  he  was  about ;  he  thought  'twas 


MAKT   AXX'S   WEDDIXG.  J 13 

bis  mistake,  and  that  the  niiuister  meant  liim,  so  he  gave 
Mary  Ann  his  left  liaud.  That  wouldn't  do,  any  way,  a  left- 
handed  marriage  all  around ;  but  by  this  time  they  didn't 
know  what  they  were  about,  and  Mary  Ann  joined  ter 
right  hand  to  his  left,  then  her  left  with  his  right,  then 
both  their  hands  again,  until  I  was  all  of  a  fidget,  and 
tho't  th.ey  would  never  get  fixed. 

"Mary  Ann  looked  as  red  as  a  turkey,  and  to  make  mat- 
ters worse,  she  began  to  cough,  to  turn  it  off,  I  suppose, 
and  called  for  a  glass  of  water.  The  minister  had  just 
been  drinking,  and  the  tumbler  stood  right  there,  and  I 
was  so  nervous,  and  iu  such  a  hurry  to  see  it  all  over  with, 
I  ketched  up  the  tumbler  and  run  with  it  to  her,  for  I 
thought  to  goodness  she  was  going  to  faint.  She  under- 
took to  drink — I  don't  know  how  it  happened^  but  the 
tumbler  slipped,  and  gracious  me,  if  between  us  we  didn't 
spill  the  water  all  over  the  collar  and  dress. 

"  I  was  dreadfully  flustered,  for  I  thought  it  looked  as 
though  it  was  my  fault,  and  the  first  thing  I  did  was  to 
out  with  my  handiicrchief,  and  give  it  to  Mary  Ann;  it 
was  nicely  done  up,  and  she  took  it.  The  folks  had  held 
in  pretty  well  up  to  this  time,  but  then  such  a  giggle  and 
laugh  as  there  was — I  didn't  know  what  had  given  them 
such  a  start,  till  I  looked  and  seen  that  Fd  given  Mary 
Ann  that  bahi/s  shirt .'" 

Here  Mrs.  Jones,  who  is  a  very  flcsliy  woman,  undulated 
and  shook  like  a  mighty  jelly  with  her  mirth,  and  it  was 
some  time  before  she  could  proceed  with  her  narrative. 

"  Why,"  said  she,  with  tears  of  laughter  running  down 
her  cheeks,  "I'd  tucked  it  into  my  dress  for  a 'kerchief. 
That  came  from  l)eing  absent-minded  and  in  a  (idget." 

"And  Mary  Ann  and  Stcplien-^were  tlicy  married  after 
all  ?" 

"Dear  me,  yos,"  said  ^Irs.  Jones,  "  and  it  tunn'il  <int  tn 
be  the  gayest  wedding  that  I  ever  attended." 

"And  the  l)aby'3  shirt,  Mrs.  Jones?" 


114  AN   INQUIRING   YAN-KEE. 

"La  mc,"  said  Mrs  Jones,  "  how  young  folks  do  ask 
questions.  Everybody  agreed  I  ought  to  make  Mary  Ann 
a  present  on't." 

"Well,  Mrs.  Jones'?" 

"  Well,"  said  Mrs.  Jones,  "  twant  long  'fore  she  had  a 
use  for  it.    And  that's  the  end  of  the  story." 


AN  INQUIRING   YANKEE. 


AKONTMOUg. 


A  well-known  citizen  of  Hartford,  Ct.,  a  few  days  ago 
had  taken  his  seat  in  an  afternoon  train  for  Providence, 
when  a  small,  weazen-faced,  elderly  man,  having  the  ap- 
pearance of  a  well-to-do  farmer,  came  into  the  car,  looking 
for  a  seat.  The  gentleman  good-naturedly  made  room  for 
him  by  his  side,  and  the  old  man  looked  him  over  from 
head  to  foot. 

"  Going  to  Providence  f  he  said  at  length. 

"  No,  sir,"  the  stranger  answered,  politely,  "  I  stop  at 
Andover." 

"  I  want  to  know  !  I  belong  out  that  way  myself.  Ex- 
pect to  stop  long  ?" 

"  Only  over  night,  sir." 

A  short  pause. 

"  Did  you  cal'late  to  put  up  at  the  tavern  ?" 

"No,  sir;  I  expect  to  stop  at  a  private  house." 

"  Private  house,  eh  ?    Mebbe  at  old  Jones's  ?" 

"  I  am  not  acquainted  with  him.  If  you  must  know,  I 
am  going  to  Air.  Skinner's." 

"What,  Job  Skinner?  Deacon  Job  lives  in  a  little 
brown  house  on  the  pike  ?  Or  mebbe  it's  his  brother's  ? 
Was  it  Tim  Skinner,  Squire  Tim's,  Where  you  was  going?" 

"Yes,"  said  the  gentleman,  smiling;  "it  was  Squire 
Tim's." 

"Dew  tell  if  you  are  goiu'  there  to  stop  over  night. 
Any  connection  of  his'n  ?" 


AN  LN^QUIRIXG  YAIS^ELEE.  115 

"No,  Sir." 

"  Well,  now  that's  curus !  The  old  man  ain't  got  into 
any  trouble  nor  nothing,  has  he  f  lowering  his  voice ;  ''  ain't 
goiu'  to  serve  a  writ  on  him,  be  you  f ' 

"Oh,  no;  nothing  of  the  kind." 

"  Glad  on't.  No  harm  in  askiu',  Is'pose.  I  reckon  Miss 
Skinner's  some  connection  of  yourn  f " 

"  No,"  said  the  gentleman.  Then  seeing  the  amused 
expression  on  the  faces  of  two  or  three  acquaintances  iu 
the  neighboring  seats,  he  added,  in  a  confidential  tone : 

"  I  am  going  to  see  Squire  Skinner's  daughter." 

"  Law  sakes  I"  said  the  old  man,  his  face  quivering  with 
curiosity.  That's  it,  is  it  ?  I  want  to  know?  Going  to 
see  Mirandy  Skinner,  be  ye  ?  Well,  Mirandy's  a  nice  gal 
— kind  o'  humly  and  long-favored,  but  smart  tew  work, 
they  say  ;  and  I  guess  you're  about  the  right  age  for  her, 
too.     Kep'  company  together  long." 

"Never  saw  her  in  my  life,  sir." 

"  How  you  talk  !  Somebody's  gin  her  a  recommend,  I 
s'posc,  and  you're  goin'  clear  out  there  to  take  a  squint  at 
her!  Wa'al,  I  must  say  there's  as  likely  gals  in  Andover 
as  Mirandy  Skinner.  I've  got  a  family  of  growed-up  dar- 
ters myself.  Never  was  married  afore,  was  ye?  Don't 
see  no  weed  on  your  hat." 

"  I  have  been  married  about  fifteen  years,  sir.  I  have  a 
wife  and  five  children."  And  then,  as  the  long-restrained 
mirth  of  the  listeners  to  this  dialogue  burst  forth  at  tlio 
old  man's  open-mouthed  astonishment,  ho  hastened  to  ex- 
plain :  "  I  am  a  doctor,  my  good  friend,  and  Scjuire  Skin- 
ner called  at  my  office  this  morning  to  request  my  pro- 
fessional .services  for  his  sick  daughter.  As  T  am  not  able 
to  return  this  evening,  you  see  I  am  obliged  to  accept  Mr. 
Skinner's  hospitality  for  the  night." 

"  Wa'al  now  1"  And  the  old  bore  waddled  ofl"  into  the 
next  car. 


116  TnE   THREE   BELLS. 


THE  THREE  BELLS. 

Beneath  the  low-hung  night  cloud 
That  raked  her  splintering  mast, 

The  good  ship  settled  slowl j, 
The  cruel  leak  gained  fast. 

Over  the  awful  ocean 
Her  signal  guns  pealed  out. 

Dear  God !  was  that  thy  answer 
From  the  horror  round  about  ? 

A  voice  came  down  the  wild  wind, 
"Ho  !  ship  ahoy  !"  its  cry; 
"Our  stout  Three  Bells  of  Glasgow 
Shall  lay  till  daylight  by  !" 

Hour  after  hour  crept  slowly, 
Tet  on  the  heaving  swells 

Tossed  up  and  down  the  ship-lights, 
The  lights  of  the  Three  Bells ! 

And  ship  to  ship  made  signals, 
Man  answered  back  to  n:an, 

."While  oft,  to  cheer  and  hearten, 
The  Three  Bells  nearer  ran ; 

And  the  captain  from  the  taflfrail 
Sent  down  his  hopeful  cry, 
"  Take  heart !  Hold  on  !"  he  shouted, 
"  The  Three  Bells  shall  lay  by  !" 

All  night  across  the  waters 
The  tossing  lights  shone  clear; 

All  night  from  reeling  tafFrail 
The  Three  Bells  sent  her  cheer. 

And  when  the  dreary  watches 
Of  storm  and  darkness  passed, 

Just  as  the  wreck  lurched  under, 
All  souls  were  saved  at  last. 


J.   G.  WHITTIEB. 


LOVE  I^'  A  BALLOON.  117 

Sail  on,  Three  Bells,  forever, 

III  grateful  memory  sail  ! 
EJug  on,  Three  Bells  of  rescue, 

Above  the  Avave  ami  gale  ! 

Type  of  the  Love  eternal, 

Repeat  the  Master's  cry, 
As  tossing  through  our  darkness 

The  lights  of  God  draw  uigh  ! 


LOVE  IN  A  BALLOOX. 

READ  BY  J.  M.   )!ELU;W.  Litchfield  mobklet. 

Some  time  a;^o  I  was  staying  with  Sir  George  Flasher, 
with  a  great  number  of  people  there — all  kinds  of  anuise- 
ments  going  on.  Driving,  riding,  fisliing,  shooting,  every- 
thing, in  fact.  Sir  George's  daughter,  Fanny,  was  often 
my  companion  in  these  expeditions,  and  I  was  considerably 
struck  with  her,  for  she  was  a  girl  to  whom  the  epithet 
"stunning"  applies  better  than  any  other  that  I  am  ac- 
quainted with.  She  could  ride  like  Niinrotl,  slie  could  drivo 
like  Jehu,  she  could  row  like  Ciiaron,  she  could  dance  like 
Terpsichore,  she  could  row  like  Diana,  she  walked  like 
Juno,  and  she  looked  like  Venus.  I've  even  seen  her  smoke. 

Oh,  she  was  a  stunner!  you  should  have  heard  that  girl 
whistle,  and  laugh — you  should  have  heard  her  laugh.  Sho 
wa.s  truly  a  deUghtfid  companion.  We  rode  togetlior, 
drove  together,  lisht'd  togetiier,  walked  together,  danced 
tngcther,  sang  together ;  I  called  her  Fanny,  and  slie  called 
me  Tom.  All  this  could  have  but  one  termination,  you 
know.  I  fell  in  love  with  her  and  detormined  to  take  the 
first  ojjportunity  of  proposing.  So  one  day  when  wo  were  out 
together,  fishing  on  the  lake,  I  went  down  on  niy  knees 
amongst  the  gudgeons,  seized  luir  hand,  pressed  it  to  my 
waistcoat,  and  in  burning  accents  entreated  her  to  become 
my  wife. 


118  LOVE  IN  A  BALLOON. 

"  Don't  be  a  fool,"  she  said.     "  Now  drop  it,  do,  and  put 
me  a  fresh  worm  on." 

"Oh,   Fanny!"  I  excUximed ;  "don't  talk  about  worms 
when  marriage  is  in  question.     Only  say — " 

"  I  tell  you  what  it  is,  now,"  she  replied,  angrily,  "if  you 
don't  drop  it  I'll  pitch  you  out  of  the  boat." 

Gentlemen,  I  did  not  drop  it,  and  I  give  you  my  word  of 
honor,  with  a  sudden  shove  she  sent  me  flying  into  the 
water ;  then  seizing  the  sculls,  with  a  stroke  or  two  she  put 
several  yards  between  us,  and  burst  into  a  fit  of  laughter 
that  fortunately  prevented  her  from  going  any  further.  I 
swam  up  and  climbed  into  the  boat.  "  Jenkins,"  said  I  to 
myself,  "  revenge  !  revenge  !"  I  disguised  my  feelings.  I 
laughed— hideous  mockery  of  mirth — I  laughed,  pulled  to 
the  bank,  went  to  the  house  and  changed  my  clothes. 
When  I  appeared  at  the  dinner-table,  I  perceived  that 
every  one  had  been  informed  of  mj'  ducking.  Universal 
laughter  greeted  me.  During  dinner  Fanny  repeatedly 
whispered  to  her  neighbor  and  glanced  at  me.  Smothered 
laughter  invariably  followed.  "Jenkins!"  said  I,  "re- 
venge !"  The  opportunity  soon  offered.  There  was  to 
be  a  balloon  ascent  from  the  lawn,  and  Fanny  had  tor- 
mented her  father  into  letting  her  ascend  with  the  aero- 
naut. I  instantly  took  my  plans ;  bribed  the  aeronaut  to 
plead  illness  at  the  moment  when  the  machine  should  have 
risen  ;  learned  from  him  the  management  of  the  balloon, 
though  I  understood  that  pretty  well  before,  and  calmly 
awaited  the  result.  The  day  came.  Tlie  weather  was  fine. 
Tiie  balloon  was  inflated.  Fanny  was  in  the  car.  Every- 
thing was  ready,  when  the  aeronaut  suddenly  fainted.  He 
was  carried  into  the  house,  and  Sir  George  accompanied 
him.     Fanny  was  in  despair. 

"Am  I  to  lose  my  air  expedition  ?"  she  exclaimed,  look- 
ing over  the  side  of  the  car;  "some  one  understands  the 
management  of  this  tiling,  surely  ?  Nobody!  Tom!"  she 
called  out  to  me,  "  you  understand  it,  d(jn't  you?" 


LOYE   IX  A  BA.LLOOX.  119 

"  Pei'fectly,"  I  answered. 

"  Come  along,  then,"  she  cried;  "  be  quiet,  before  papa 
comes  back." 

The  company  in  general  endeavored  to  dissuade  her  from 
her'  project,  but  of  course  in  vain.  After  a  decent  show  of 
hesitation,  I  chmbed  into  the  car.  The  balloon  was  cast 
off,  and  rapidly  sailed  heavenward.  There  was  scarcely  a 
breath  of  wind,  and  we  rose  almost  straight  up.  We  rose 
above  the  house,  and  she  laughed  and  said,  "  How  jolly !" 

We  were  higher  than  the  highest  trees,  and  she  smiled, 
and  said  it  was  very  kind  of  me  to  come  with  her.  We 
were  so  high  that  the  people  below  looked  mere  specks, 
and  she  hoped  that  I  thoroughly  understood  the  manage- 
ment of  the  balloon.     Now  was  my  time. 

"  I  understand  the  going  up  part,"  I  answered;  "  to  come 
down  is  not  so  easy,"  and  I  whistled. 

"  What  do  you  mean  V  she  cried. 

"  Wliy,  when  you  want  to  go  up  faster,  you  throvs'  some 
sand  overboard,"  I  replied,  suiting  the  action  to  the  word. 

"  Don't  1)6  foolish,  Tom,"  she  said,  trying  to  appear  quite 
calm  and  indifferent,  but  trembling  uncommonly. 

"  Foolish  1"  I  said ;  "  oh,  dear  no,  but  whether  I  go  along 
the  ground  or  up  in  the  air  I  like  to  go  the  pace,  and  so  do 
you,  Fanny,  I  know.  Go  it,  you  cripples  !"  and  over  went 
another  sand-bag. 

"  Why,  you're  mad,  surely,"  she  whispered,  in  utter  ter- 
ror, and  tried  to  reach  the  bags,  but  I  kept  her  back. 

"  Only  with  love,  my  dear,"  I  answered,  smiling  jHcas- 
antly  ;  "  only  with  love  for  you.  Oh,  Fanny,  I  adoro  you  ! 
Say  you  will  be  my  wife." 

"I  gave  you  an  answer  the  other  day,"  she  rci)lind  ; 
"  one  which  I  should  have  thought  you  would  liavo  reinuiii- 
bored,''  she  added,  laughing  a  little,  notwithstanding  her 
terror. 

"I  remember  it  perfectly,^'  I  answered,  "but  I  intend  to 
have  a  dfffercnt  reply  to  that.     You  see  tlioso  live  sand- 


120  LOVE    IX   A    BALLOOX. 

bags.  I  shall  ask  you  five  times  to  become  ray  wife.  Every 
time  you  refuse  I  shall  throw  over  a  sand-bag — so,  lady 
fair,  as  the  cabmeu  would  say,  recousider  your  decisiou, 
and  consent  to  become  Mrs.  Jenkins.''' 

"I  won't,"  she  said;  "  I  never  will;  and  let  me  tell  you 
that  you  are  acting  in  a  very  uugentlemauly  way  to  press 
I  me  thus." 

"You  acted  in  a  very  ladylike  way  the  other  day,  did 
you  not,"  I  rejoined,  "  when  you  knocked  me  out  of  the 
boat  ?"  She  laughed  again,  for  she  was  a  plucky  girl,  and 
no  mistake — a  very  plucky  girl.  "  However,"  I  went  on, 
"  it's  no  good  arguing  about  it — ^will  you  promise  to  give  mo 
your  hand  ?" 

"Never!"  she  answered ;  "I'll  go  to  Ursa  Major  first, 
though  I've  got  a  big  enough  bear  here,  in  all  conscience. 
Stay  !  you'd  prefer  Aquarius,  wouldn't  you  ?" 

She  looked  so  pretty  that  I  was  almost  inclined  to  let  her 
oflf.  (I  was  only  trying  to  frighten  her,  of  course — I  knew 
how  high  we  could  go  safely,  well  enough,  and  how  valuable 
tile  life  of  Jenkins  was  to  his  country),  but  resolution  is 
one  of  the  strong  points  of  my  character,  and  when  I've 
begun  a  thing  I  like  to  carry  it  through  ;  so  I  threw  over 
another  sand-bag,  and  whistled  the  Dead  March  in  Saul. 

"Come,  Air.  Jenkins,"  she  said  suddenly,  "come,  Tom, 
let  us  descend  now,  and  I'll  promise  to  say  nothing  what- 
ever about  all  this." 

I  continued  the  execution  of  the  Dead  March. 

"  But  if  you  do  not  begin  the  descent  at  once  I'll  tell 
papa  the  moment  I  set  foot  on  the  ground." 

I  laughed,  seized  another  bag,  and,  looking  steadily  at 
her,  said:  "  Will  you  promise  to  give  me  your  hand  f 

"  I've  answered  you  already,"  was  the  reply. 

Over  went  the  sand,  and  the  solemn  notes  of  the  Dead 
March  resounded  through  the  car. 

"I  thought  you  were  a  gentleman,"  said  Fanny,  rising 
up  in  a  terrible  rage  from  the  bottom  of  the  car,  where  she 


LOVE   IX   A    BALLOON.  121 

had  been  sitting,  and  looking  perfectly  beautiful  in  ber 
wrath.  "I  thought  you  were  a  gentleman,  but  I  find  I 
was  mistaken.  Why,  a  chimney-sweeper  would  not  treat  a 
lady  in  such  a  way.  Do  you  know  that  you  are  risking 
your  own  life  as  well  as  mine  by  your  madness?" 

I  explained  that  I  adored  her  so  much  that  to  die  in  her 
company  would  be  perfect  bliss,  so  that  I  begged  she 
would  not  consider  my  feelings  at  all.  She  dashed  her 
beautiful  hair  from  her  face,  and  standing  perfectly  erect, 
looking  like  the  Goddess  of  Anger  or  Boadicea— if  you  can 
imagiue  that  personage  in  a  balloon— she  said,  "  I  com- 
mand you  to  begin  the  descent  this  instant !" 

The  Dead  March,  whistled  in  a  manner  essentially  gay 
and  lively,  was  the  only  response.  After  a  few  minutes' 
silence  I  took  up  another  bag,  and  said  : 

"We  are  getting  rather  high  ;  if  you  do  not  decide  soon 
we  shall  have  Mercury  coming  to  tell  us  that  we  are  tres- 
pa.ssing — will  you  proujise  me  your  hand  ?" 

She  sat  in  sulky  silence  in  the  bottom  of  the  car.  I  threw 
over  the  sand.  Then  she  tried  another  plan.  Throwing 
herself  upon  her  knees,  and  bursting  into  tears,  she  said  : 

"  Oh,  forgive  nie  for  what  I  did  the  other  day.  It  was 
very  wrong,  and  I  am  very  sorry.  Take  me  home,  and 
I  will  be  a  sister  to  you." 

"  Not  a  wife  V  said  I. 

"  I  can't !  I  can't  I"  she  answered. 

Over  went  the  fourth  bag,  and  I  began  to  think  she  would 
l)eat  me  after  all,  for  I  did  not  like  the  idea  «)f  going 
much  higher.  I  would  not  give  in  just  yet,  however.  I 
whistled  for  a  few  moments,  to  give  her  time  for  refleclion, 
and  then  said  :  "  Fanny,  they  say  that  maniages  are  made 
in  heaven — if  you  do  not  take  care,  ours  will  be  solemnized 
there." 

I  took  up  the  fiflli  bag.  "  Come,"  I  said,  "my  wife  in. 
life,  or  my  oom|)anion  in  death.  Which  is  it  to  be  ?"  and  I 
petted  the  sand-bag  in  a  cheerful  manner.     She  held  her 


122  LOVE    IX   A   BALLOOX. 

face  ill  her  bands,  but  did  not  answer.  I  nursed  tbe  bag 
in  my  arms,  as  if  it  bad  been  a  baby. 

"  Come,  Fanny,  give  me  your  promise."  I  could  liear 
her  sobs.  I'm  tbe  softest-bearted  creature  breathing,  and 
would  not  jrdm  any  living  tbing,  and  I  confess  she  bad 
beaten  me.  I  forgave  her  the  ducking ;  I  forgave  her  for 
rejecting  me.  I  was  on  tbe  point  of  flinging  the  bag  back 
into  the  car,  and  saying,  "  Dearest  Fanny,  forgive  me  for 
frightening  you.  Marry  whomsoever  you  wish.  Give  your 
lovely  hand  to  the  lowest  groom  in  your  stables — endow 
with  your  priceless  beauty  the  chief  of  the  Panki-wanki 
Indians.  Whatever  happens,  Jenkins  is  your  slave — your 
dog — ^y our  footstool.  His  duty,  henceforth,  is  to  go  whither- 
soever you  shall  order,  to  do  whatever  you  shall  command." 
I  was  just  on  the  point  of  saying  this,  I  repeat,  when  Fanny 
suddenly  looked  up,  and  said,  with  a  queerish  expression 
upon  her  face  : 

"  Tou  need  not  throw  that  last  bag  over.  I  promise  to 
give  you  my  band." 

'<  With  all  your  heart  f  I  asked,  quickly. 

"  With  all  my  heart,"  she  answered,  with  the  same 
strange  look. 

I  tossed  the  bag  into  the  bottom  of  the  car,  and  opened 
the  valve.  The  balloon  descended.  Gentlemen,  will  you 
believe  it? — when  we  had  reached  the  ground,  and  the 
balloon  bad  been  given  over  to  its  recovered  master,  when 
I  bad  helped  Fanny  tenderly  to  tbe  earth,  and  turned  to- 
wards her  to  receive  anew  the  promise  of  her  affection  and 
her  band— will  you  believe  it?— she  gave  me  a  box  on  the 
ear  that  upset  me  against  the  car,  and  running  to  her 
father,  who  at  that  moment  came  up,  she  related  to  him 
and  the  assembled  company  what  she  called  my  disgrace- 
ful conduct  in  the  balloon,  and  ended  by  informing  me  that 
all  of  her  hand  that  I  was  likely  to  get  had  been  already 
bestowed  upon  my  ear,  which  she  assured  me  had  been 
given  with  all  her  heart. 


MRS.  BPvO'U^''   OX   THE    STATE    OF   THE   STREETS.      123 

"  You  villain  !"  said  Sir  George,  advancing  toward  me 
with  a  horse-whip  in  hi*  hand.  "  You  villain !  I'vo  a 
good  mind  to  break  this  over  your  back." 

"  Sir  George,"  said  I,  "  villain  and  Jenkins  must  never 
be  coupled  in  the  same  sentence  ;  and  as  for  the  breaking 
of  this  whip,  I'll  relieve  you  of  the  trouble,''  and  snatching 
it  from  his  hand,  I  broke  it  in  two,  and  threw  the  peices  on 
the  ground.  "  And  now  I  shall  have  the  honor  of  wishing 
you  a  good  morning.  Miss  Flasher,  I  forgive  you ;"  and 
I  retired.  Now  I  ask  you  whether  any  specimen  of  female 
treachery  equal  to  that  has  ever  come  within  your  experi- 
ence, and  whether  any  excuse  can  be  made  for  such 
conduct  ? 


:^IRS.  BROWN  ON  THE  STATE  OF  THE  STREETS. 

AUTHUR  SKETCULET. 

Talk  about  weather  !  I  never  did  in  all  my  born  days 
know  nothin'  like  it  was  the  week  afore  last ;  you're  froze 
up  one  moment  and  all  of  a  glow  the  next. 

As  to  this  house  we're  a-living  in,  they  calls  it  a  sinimy 
detached,  as  it's  my  opinion  they  was  obliged  to  build  it 
up  again  next  door  or  it  would  never  have  stood  by  itself, 
as  it  is  not  much  stronger  than  a  egg-shell,  as  the  sayin' 
is.  The  draught  under  that  kitchon-door  it  was  as  give  it 
mc,  the  cold  as  I've  got,  for  I  felt  it  all  the  while  as  I  was 
a-mal;in'  that  weal  and  ham  j)ie,  as  is  a  thing  as  Brown's 
{lartiiilto,  and  I  makes  it  myself  with  a  flaky  crust,  though 
some  will  have  it  as  a  short  one  is  right,  which  in  my 
fipinion  goes  best  with  fruit.  As  to  puttin'  a  bit  of  bad 
butter  in  pie-cru.st,  it's  my  idea  of  a  sin  as  is  downright 
filthy  to  the  taste  and  unwiiolesomc  to  a  delicate  stomach 
like  Brown's,  though  you  wouldn't  tl)iid{  it  to  look  at  him, 
but  no  one  knows  wht^rc  the  shoe  i)inches  but  them  as  is 
bilious,  as  the  sayin'  is. 

I  certainly  did  feel  a  chill,  and  pr'aps  it  might  have  been 


124      MES.   BKOWX   ON  THE   STATE   OF  THE  STREETS. 

through  them  dratted  boys  as  I  give  twopence  each  to  for 
to  clear  away  the  snow.  As  a  feller  comes  round  with  a 
paper,  as  he  said  was  the  westry's  orders  as  1  should  clean 
up  the  front  of  my  house.  I  says,  "  Then  I'll  thank  the 
westry  for  to  turn  out  and  clean  the  road  for  me,  as  I  can't 
get  across,  not  if  it  was  to  save  my  life,  through  bein'  ankle- 
deep,  and  poor  Mrs.  Atkins  that  had  as  I  wanted  for  to  go 
to,  through  me  havin'  promised,  and  only  the  corner  of  the 
street."  So  he  says,  "You  may  he  carried  across  easy  on 
a  harrow,"  as  I  see  meant  jeers. 

So  I  says,  "When  I  wants  to  be  carried  I'll  get  a  steady 
donkey,  and  pr'aps  you  might  be  handy."  "  Well,"  says 
he,  "  I  should  recommend  a  dromedary."  I  wasn't  a-going 
to  waste  my  time  a-talkin'  to  such  as  him,  all  the  more  as 
I  felt  a-creepin'  all  down  my  back,  as  is  a  sure  sign  of  chills 
with  me,  as  has  throwed  me  on  a  sick  bed  afore  now,  and 
was  the  death  of  poor  old  Mrs.  Thornley,  as  kept  the  "  Blue 
Lion  "  in  Horsleydown,  and  never  recovered  a-fallin'  asleep 
one  Saturday  night  whilst  a-soakin'  her  feet,  and  never 
■woke  up  till  they  was  froze  hard  in  the  foot-pan,  through 
the  cold  bein'  that  violent  below  zero  as  froze  the  Thames 
up  with  a  ox  roasted  whole,  as  I've  heard  ray  dear  mother 
say  "was  shameful  waste,  through  the  roughs  a-tearin'  of  it 
to  bits  in  their  open  hands  though  blue  and  quivery,  as  is 
not  wholesome  in  my  opinion,  though  it  should  be  done 
■with  the  gravy  in,  as  gives  proper  nutriment. 

Well,  as  I  was  sayin',  I  give  them  boys  twopence  a-piece, 
and  lent  them  the  fire-shovel  for  to  scrape  off  them  frozen 
lumps,  as  is  that  dangerous,  as  well  I've  known  through 
a-treadiu'  on  one,  as  twisted  my  ankle  and  down  I  went, 
and  shouldn't  have  minded  it  so  much  if  it  hadn't  been  for 
poor  old  Mr.  Gibbins,  next  door  but  two,  as  had  stepped 
out  for  the  beer  hisself  and  two  new-laid  eggs,  though  I 
should  say  no  more  new-laid  than  I  am.  Well,  he  had  the 
beer  in  one  hand  and  the  eggs  in  the  other,  with  a  white 
"worsted  comforter  and  long  ends,  as  he  did  ought  to  have 


SnOO  FLIES.  125 

tucked  in  somewhere,  but  left  a-liangin'.  He  was  a-walk- 
in'  along  by  my  side,  a  remarkin'  about  the  weather  and 
suchlike,  when  I  treads  on  the  bit  of  frozen  snow,  and  nat'- 
rally  clutches  at  anythin'  for  to  save  myself,  and  as  bad 
luck  would  have  it,  seized  hold  of  his  ends  of  his  comforter, 
and  give  him  that  drag  as  his  'eels  slipped  from  under  him, 
though  list  around  his  shoes,  as  didn't  prove  no  protec- 
tion. Up  goes  his  hand  with  the  beer  all  in  my  face  and) 
blinds  me,  but  I  heard  a  crash,  and  there  he  was  a-welterin' 
in  his  new-laid  eggs,  and  a-sayin'  as  his  back  was  broke. 

So  I  says,  "  Kick,  'cos  if  yon  can  kick  your  back's  all 
right,"  and  kick  he  did,  and  he  had  no  occasion  for  to  ketch 
me  on  the  shin  so  violent,  me  a-stoopin'  for  to  help  him  up, 
a-feelin'  grateful  to  him  for  breakin'  my  fall,  as  the  sayin 
is,  but  he  kep'  his  bed  for  weeks.  But  the  cold  as  I  caught 
was  a  caution,  as  you  don't  ketch  me  out  in  the  snow  agin 
if  I  knows  it. 


SHOO  FLIES. 

ANONTMOUS. 

Dose  efenin  clouds  vas  sodding  fast, 

As  a  yt)un^  inaus  droo  der  filliigo  past, 
Shkatin  along  der  slitorm  uiid  liail, 

MIL  dose  vords  tied  py  his  coat  dail— Shoo  Flies. 

Oh,  dond  gone  out  such  a  nito  like  doso, 

Hirf  niuddcr  cried,  you  vill  got  froze; 
Dot  Shack  Frost  he  vill  nib  your  car, 

She  oncy  said  8o  niit  a  shneer — Shoo  Flies. 

Come  pack,  come  pack,  der  olt  man  said, 
Of  you  dond  look  oud  you  vill  peon  dead  : 

Come  pack,  und  py  der  fire  sid, 

Ha,  ha  !     I  dond  vas  afraid  a  bit — Shoo  Flics. 

Schon  FTenry,  der  young  maid  said, 

Come  here  und  eat  dis  liir-ce  of  bread  ; 
He  yoost  looked  down  und  liofe  a  nigh; 

I  vas  a  liunki  poy  mit  a  klass  eye— Shoo  Flies. 


126  DISCOURSE   BY  THE  KEV.   MR.    BOSAN. 

Higher  und  higher  dot  young  mans  vent, 
For  der  shtorms  he  doud  did  care  a  cent ; 

He  vipped  der  shnow  off  his  left  ear, 

Und  dese  vords  vas  heard  shtill  und  clear — Shoo  Flies. 

In  aboud  a  veek,  or  maype  more, 

Der  peobles  heard  an  awful  roar, 
Dot  sounded  loud  und  far  und  wide, 

Von  vay  up  of  der  moundain  side — Shoo  Flies. 

Dwo  mens  vas  out  a  shoodin  shuibes, 
Und  vhile  dhey  shtobbed  to  shmoke  der  bibes, 

Und  Ten  dhey  habbened  to  look  around, 
Dhey  saw  dot  shticken  von  der  ground — Shoo  Flies. 


DISCOURSE  BY  THE  REV.  MR.  BOSAN. 


EULESTON. 


[I  can  never  picture  to  you  the  rich  red  nose,  the  see- 
sawing gestures,  the  nasal  resonance,  the  suiffle,  the  mel- 
ancholy minor  key,  and  all  that.] 

"  You  see,  my  respective  hearers,  my  respective  hearers — 
ah,  you  see — ah,  as  how — ah,  as  my  tex' — ah,  says  that 
the  ox — ah,  knoweth  his  owner — ah,  and — ah  the  ass — ah, 
his  master's  crih — ah,  a-h-h  !  Now,  my  respective  hear- 
ers— ah,  they're  a  mighty  sight  of  resemblance — ah,  atwixt 
men — ah,  and  oxen — ah,  bekase — ah,  you  see,  men — ah,  is 
mighty  like  oxen — ah.  Fer  they's  a  treraeugious  defference 
— ah,  atwixt  defferent  oxen — ah,  jest  asthar  is  atwext  deff- 
erent  men — ali ;  fer  the  ox  knoweth — ah,  his  owner — ah, 
and  the  ass — ah,  his  master's  crib — ah.  Now,  my  re- 
spective hearers — ah" — [the  preacher's  voice  here  grew 
mellow,  and  the  succeeding  sentences  were  in  the  most  pa- 
thetic and  lugubrious  voice]  ''you  all  know — ah,  that  your 
humble  speaker — ah,  has  got — ah,  jest  the  best  yoke  of 
steers — ah,  in  this  township — ah.  They  ain't  no  secli 
steers  as  them  air  two  of  mine — ah,  in  this  whole  kedentry 
— ah.     Them  crack  oxen  over  at  Clifty — ah,  ha'ut  a  patch- 


WITHOUT   THE   CHILDKEX.  127 

in'   to  mine — ah.    Fer  tlie  ox  linoweth   his  owner — ah, 

and  the  ass — ah,  his  master's  crib — ah. 

Now,  my  respective  hearers — ab,  they's  a  right  smart 

sight  of  defiereuce — ah,  atwext  them  air  two  oxen — ah,  jest 

like  they  is  atwext  deffereut  men— ah.     Fer — ah"— [hero 

the  spealcer  grew  earnest,  and  sawed  the  air  from  this  to 

the  close  in  a  most  frightful  way] — "fer — ah,  you  see — 

ah,  when  I  go  out — ah,  in  the  mornin' — ah,  to  yoke — ah, 

up — ah,  them  air  steers — ah,  and  I  says — ah  '  Wo,  Berry — 

ah!     Wo,    Berry — ah!!     Wo,    Berkt — ah!!!'   why, 

Berry — ah,  jest  stands  stock  still — ah,  and  don't  hardly 

breathe — ah,  while  I  put  on  the  yoke — ah,  and  put   in  tho 

bow — ah,  and   put  in  the  key — ah,  fer,  my  brethering — 

ah,  and    sistering — ah,  the   ox   knoweth    his  owner— ah, 

and  the  ass — ah,  his  master's  crib — ah.  llal-le-lu-ger— ah  ! 

But  —  ah,   my   hearers  —  ah,  but— ah,   when    I  stand   at 

t'other  eend  of  the  yoke — ah,  and  say,  'Come,   Buck — ah  ! 

Come,  Buck— ah! !    Come,  Buck— ah  ! ! !  COAIE,  BUCK 

—An  ! ! ! !'  why,  what  do  }ou  think— ah?     Buck— ah,  that 

ornery  olo  Buck,  ah,  'stid  of  coraiu'  right  along— ah,  and 

puttin'  his  neck  under— ah,  acts  jest  like  some  men — ah, 

what  is  fools — ah.     Buck — ah,  jest  kinder  sorter  stands  olf 

— ah,  and  kinder  sort  puts  his  down — ah,  this  ere  way — ah, 

and  kinder  looks  looks  mad — ah,  and  says,  '  Boo-oo-oo-00 

—ah." 

»^« 

WITnOUT  TOE  CHILDREN. 

ASONYSIOl'8. 

Oh,  the  wnary,  solomn  nilonco 
Of  a  housfi  without  tho  childron  ; 
Oh,  tho  stranpo,  oppressive  stillness, 

Where  the  children  oonic  no  more. 
Ah  !  the  loiifriii^  of  the  sleepless 
For  the  soft  arms  of  the  rhiidren, 
Ab  !  tho  lonKinfT  for  the  faces 

Peepiiip  thronfih  tho  opening  door — 

Faces  gone  for  evermore  ! 


^^^        SIGNOB   BILLSMETHI'S  DANCIKG   ACADEMY. 

iiig  ]io\v  bo  could  manage  to  get  introduced  into  genteel 
society  for  the  first  time,  wlien  bis  eyes  vested  on  Signer 
Billsmetbi's  announcement,  ^vhicb,  it  immediately  struck 
him,  was  just  the  very  thing  he  wanted  ;  for  be  should  not 
only  1)6  able  to  select  a  genteel  circle  of  acquaintance  at 
once,  out  of  the  five-and-seveuty  pupils  at  four-and-six- 
pence  a  quarter,  but  should  qualify  himself  at  the  same 
time  to  go  through  a  hornpipe  in  private  society  with  per- 
fect ease  to  himself,  and  great  delight  to  his  friends.  So 
he  stopped  the  advertisement — an  animated  sandwich 
composed  of  a  boy  between  two  boards — and  having  pro- 
cured a  very  small  card  with  the  Signer's  address  indented 
thereon,  walked  straight  at  once  to  the  Signer's  house — 
and  very  fast  be  walked  too,  for  fear  the  list  should  be 
filled  up,  and  the  five-and-seveuty  completed  before  begot 
there.  The  Signer  was  at  home,  and  what  was  still  more 
gratifying,  he  was  an  Englishman  !  Such  a  nice  man — 
and  so  polite !  The  list  was  not  fall,  but  it  was  a  most 
extraordinary  circumstance  that  there  was  only  just  one 
vacancy,  and  even  that  one  woukl  have  been  filled  up  that 
very  uiorning,  only  Signer  Billsmethi  was  dissatisfied  with 
the  reference,  and,  being  very  much  afraid  that  the  lady 
wasn't  select,  wouldn't  take  her. 

"And  very  much  delighted  I  am,  Mr.  Cooper,"  said 
Signer  Billsmethi,  "  that  I  did  not  take  her.  I  assure  you, 
Mr.  Cooper— I  don't  say  it  to  flatter  you,  for  I  know  you're 
above  it— that  I  consider  myself  extremely  fortunate 
in  having  a  gentleman  of  your  manners  and  appearance, 
sir." 

"  I  am  very  glad  of  it  too,  sir,"  said  Augustus  Cooper. 

"Audi  hope  we  shall  be  better  acquainted,  sir,"  said 
Signer  Billsmethi. 

"And  I'm  sure  I  hope  we  shall  too,  sir,"  responded 
Augustus  Cooper.  Just  then,  the  door  opened,  and  in 
came  a  young  lady,  with  her  hair  curled  in  a  crop  all  over 
her  bearl,  and  her  shoes  tied  in  sandals  all  ever  her  ankles. 


SIGNOR  BILLSMETHl'S  DANCIXG  ACADEMY.  131 

"Don't  niu  away,  my  dear,"  said  Siguor  Billsmetbi;  for 
the  yoLUig  lady  didu't  know  Air.  Cooper  was  there  wheu 
she  ia;i  iu,  and  was  going  to  run  out  again  in  her  modesty, 
all  in  confusion-Ulie.  "  Don't  run  away,  my  dear,"  said  tiig- 
nor  Billsmethi,  "  this  is  Mr.  Cooper — Mr.  Cooper,  of  Fetter 
Lane.  Mr.  Cooper,  my  daughter,  sir— Miss  liillsiuethi, 
sir,  who,  I  hope,  will  have  the  pleasure  of  dancing  many  a 
quadrille,  minuet,  gavotte,  country  dance,  fandango,  double 
hornpipe  and  farinagholkajingo  with  you,  sir.  She  dances 
theiu  all,  sir;  and  so  shall  you,  sir,  before  you're  a  quarter 
older,  sir." 

And  Signer  Billsmethi  slapped  Mr.  Augustus  Cooper  on 
tlie  back,  as  if  he  had  known  him  a  dozen  years— so  friend- 
ly ;— and  Mr.  Cooper  bowed  to  the  young  lady,  and  the 
young  lady  curtseyed  to  him,  and  Signor  Billsmethi  said 
they  were  as  handsome  a  pair  as  ever  he'd  wish  to  sec  ; 
upon  which  the  young  lady  exclaimed,  "Lor,  pa!"  and 
blushed  as  red  as  Mr.  Cooper  himself — you  might  have 
thought  they  were  both  standing  under  a  red  lamp  ;il  a 
chemist's  shop;  and  before  Mr.  Coo[)er  wont  away  it  was 
settled  that  he  should  join  the  family  circle  that  very  night 
— taking  them  just  as  they  were — uo  ceremony  nor  nnn- 
sen-scofthat  kind— and  learn  his  positions  in  order  that 
ho  might  lose  no  time,  and  be  able  to  come  out  at  the 
forthcoming  ball. 

Well,  Mr.  Augustus  Cooper  wont  away  to  one  of  the 
clioap  shoemakers'  shops  in  llolborn,  where  gontlemon's 
dress-pumps  are  seven-and-sixponce  and  men's  strong 
walking  just  nothing  at  all,  and  bought  a  pair  of  the  regu- 
lar sevcn-and-sixponny,  long-quartered  town-mados,  in 
which  ho  astonished  himself  (piite  as  much  as  bis  mother, 
and  sallied  forth  to  Signor  Millsmothi's.  There  were  four 
other  private  puitils  in  the  parlf)r :  two  ladies  and  two 
gentlemen.  Such  nice  people!  Not  a  bit  of  pride  about 
them.  One  of  the  ladies  in  paiticular,  who  was  in  train- 
ing for  a  Columbine,  was  remarkably  ad'ablo;  and  she  and 


132  SIGNOll    DILLS:.lETHi'S   DANCING   ACADEMY. 

Miss  Billsmetbi  took  such  au  interest  in  Mr.  Augustus 
Coopei',  uud  joked  aud  smiled,  aud  looked  so  bewitching, 
that  be  got  quite  at  borne,  and  learned  bis  steps  in  no  time. 
After  tbe  practicing  was  over,  Signor  Billsmetbi,  and  Miss 
Billsmetbi,  and  Master  Billsmetbi,  and  a  young  lady,  and 
tbe  two  ladies,  aud  tbe  two  gentlemen,  danced  a  quadrille — 
none  of  your  slipping  and  sliding  about,  but  regular  warm 
work,  tlyiug  into  corners,  aud  diving  among  cbairs,  and 
sbooting  out  at  tbe  door — sometbing  like  dancing !  Signer 
Billsmetbi  in  particular,  notwithstanding  bis  having  a  bttle 
fiddle  to  play  all  tbe  time,  was  out  on  tbe  lauding  every 
figure,  and  Master  Billsmetbi,  when  everybody  else  was 
breathless,  danced  a  bornpipe,  witb  a  cane  in  bis  band 
and  a  cheese-plate  on  bis  bead,  to  the  unqualified  admira- 
tion of  tbe  whole  company.  Then  Signor  Billsmetbi  in- 
sisted, as  they  were  so  happy,  that  they  sbould'all  stay  to 
sui)por,  and  proposed  sending  Master  Billsmetbi  for  tbe  beer 
and  spirits,  whereupon  the  two  gentlemen  swore,  "strike 
'em  wulgar  if  they'd  stand  that;"  and  were  just  going  to 
quarrel  who  should  pay  for  it,  when  Mr.  Augustus  Cooper 
said  be  would,  if  they'd  bave  tbe  kindness  to  allow  him — 
and  they  had  tbe  kindness  to  allow  bim ;  and  Master  Bill- 
smetbi brought  tbe  beer  in  a  can,  and  tbe  rum  in  a  quart- 
pot.  They  had  a  regular  night  of  it ;  and  Miss  Billsmetbi 
squeezed  Mr.  Augustus  Cooper's  baud  under  the  table,  aud 
Mr.  Augustus  Cooper  returned  tbe  squeeze  and  returned 
bome  too,  at  something  to  six  o'clock  in  tbe  morning, 
when  he  was  put  to  bed  by  main  force  by  the  apprentice, 
after  repeatedly  expressing  an  uncontrollable  desire  to 
pitch  bis  revered  parent  out  of  tbe  second-floor  wiudow, 
and  to  throttle  the  apprentice  with  his  own  neck-handker- 
chief. 

Weeks  had  worn  on,-  and  the  seven-and-sixpenny  town- 
mades  had  nearly  worn  out,  when  the  night  arrived  for  the 
grand  dress  ball  at  which  the  whole  of  the  flve-and-seventy 
pupils  were  to  meet  together  for  the  first  time  that  season, 


SIG^'OR   EILLSilETUl'S   BAXCIXG    ACADEMY.  ]33 

and  to  take  out  some  portion  of  their  respective  four-and- 
sixpeuces  in  lamp-oil  and  tiddlers.  Mr.  Augustus  Cooper 
bad  ordered  a  new  coat  for  the  occasion— a  two-pouud- 
teuuer  from  Turnstile.  It  was  his  tirst  appearance  in  pub- 
lic ;  and,  after  a  grand  Sicilian  shawl-dance  by  fourteen 
young  ladies  in  character,  he  was  to  open  the  quadrille 
department  with  Miss  Billsmethi  herself,  with  whom  he 
had  become  quite  intimate  since  his  first  introduction.  It 
tt'asanight!  Everything  was  admirably  arranged.  The 
sandwich  boy  took  the  hats  and  bonnets  at  the  street  door ; 
there  was  a  turn-up  bedstead  in  the  back  parlor,  on  which 
Miss  Billsmethi  made  tea  and  coffee  for  such  of  the  gentle- 
men as  chose  to  par  for  it,  and  such  of  the  ladies  as  the 
gentlemen  treated;  red  port-wine  negus  and  lemonade 
■\\-ere  handed  round  at  oightecn-pence  ahead;  and  in  pur- 
suance of  a  previous  engagement  with  the  public  house  at 
the  corner  of  the  street,  an  extra  pot-boy  was  laid  on  for  the 
occasion.  In  short,  nothing  could  exceed  the  arrangements, 
except  the  company.  Such  ladies!  Such  pink  silk  stock- 
ings! Such  artificial  flowers!  Such  a  number  of  cabs ! 
No  sooner  had  one  cab  set  down  a  couple  of  ladies,  than 
another  cab  drove  up  and  set  down  another  couple  of 
ladies,  and  they  all  knew,  not  only  one  another,  but  the 
majority  of  the  gentlemen  into  the  bargain,  which  made  it 
all  as  pleasant  and  lively  as  could  be.  Signor  Billsmethi,  in 
black  tights,  with  a  large  blue  bow  in  his  button-hole,  intro- 
'ducod  the  ladies  to  such  of  the  gentlemen  as  were  strangers; 
and  the  ladies  talked  away— and  laughed  they  did— it  was 
dclisjlitful  to  see  them. 

AstoMr.  Augustus  Cooper's  share  in  tlKMiuadrille,  begot 
through  it  admirably.  Re  was  missing  from  his  itailuer, 
now  and  then,  certainly,  and  discovered  on  snc-h  occasions  to 
bo  citiier  dancing  with  laudable  ]ierseverance  in  another 
set,  or  sliding  abr)ut  in  perspective,  without  any  definite 
object;  but  generally  speaking,  they  managed  to  shove 
him  through  the  figure,  until  ho  turned  up  in    the  right 


134  STGNOR  BILLSMETIII'S  DxVXCIXG  ACADEIIT. 

place.  Be  this  as"  it  may,  when  be  had  fluished,  a  great 
many  Ladies  and  gentlemen  came  up  and  complimented 
him  very  much,  and  said  they  had  never  seen  a  beginner 
do  anything  like  it  before;  and  Mr.  Augustus  Cooper  was 
perfectly  satisfied  with  himself,  and  everybody  else  into 
the  bargain;  and  "  stood"  considerable  quantities  of  spir- 
its-and-water,  negus  and  compounds,  for  the  use  and  be- 
hoof of  two  or  three  dozen  very  particular  friends,  selected 
from  the  select  circle  of  flve-and-seveuty  pupils. 

Now,  whether  it  was  the  strength  of  the  compounds,  or 
the  beauty  of  the  ladies,  or  what  not,  it  did  so  happen  that 
Mr.  Augustus  Cooper  encouraged,  rather  than  repelled, 
the  very  flattering  attentions  of  a  young  lady  in  brown 
gauze  over  white  calico,  who  had  appeared  particularly 
struck  with  him  from  the  first ;  and  wljen  the  encourage- 
ments had  been  prolonged  for  some  time,  Miss  Billsmethi 
betrayed  her  spite  and  jealousy  thereat  by  calling  the 
young  lady  in  brown  gauze  a  "  creetur,"  which  induced  the 
young  lady  in  brown  gauze  to  retort,  in  certain  sentences 
containing  a  taunt  founded  on  the  payment  of  four-and-six- 
pence  a  quarter,  which  reference  Mr.  Augustus  Cooper,  be- 
ing then  and  there  in  a  state  of  considerable  bewilderment, 
expressed  his  entire  concurrence  in.  Miss  Billsmethi,  thus 
renounced,  forthwith  began  screaming  in  the  loudest  key 
of  her  voice,  at  the  rate  of  fourteen  screams  a  minute;  and 
being  unsuccessful,  in  an  onslaught  on  the  eyes  and  face, 
first  of  tlie  lady  in  gauze  and  then  of  I\Ir.  Augustus  Cooper, 
called  distractedly  on  the  other  three-and-seventy  pupils  to 
furnish  her  with  oxalic  acid  for  her  own  private  drinking;' 
and,  the  call  not  being  honored,  made  another  rush  at  Mr. 
Cooper,  and  then  had  her  stay-lace  cut,  and  was  carried 
off  to  bed.  Mr.  Augustus  Cooper,  not  being  remarkable 
for  quickness  of  apprehension,  was  at  a  loss  to  under- 
stand what  all  this  meant,  until  Signor  Billsmethi  explained 
it  in  a  most  satisfactory  manner,  by  stating  to  the  pupils 
that  Mr.  Augustus  Cooper  had  made  and  confirmed  divers 


DER   GOOT   LOOKIX   SnXOW.  135 

promises  of  marriage  to  bis  daughter  oa  divers  occasions, 
aud  had  now  basely  deserted  her  ;  on  which,  the  indigna- 
tion of  the  pupils  became  universal ;  and  as  several  chival- 
rous gentlemen  inquired  rather  presshigl}'  of  Mr.  Augustus 
Cooper,  whether  he  required  anything  for  his  own  use,  or, 
in  other  words,  whether  he  "  wanted  anything  for  himself," 
be  deemed  it  prudent  to  make  a  i)recipitate  retreat.  Aud 
the  upshot  of  the  matter  was,  that  a  lawyer's  letter  came 
next  day,  and  an  action  was  commenced  next  week ;  and 
that  Mr.  Augustus  Cooper,  after  walking  twice  to  the  Ser- 
pentine for  the  purpose  of  drowning  himself,  and  coming 
twice  back  without  doing  it,  made  a  confidante  of  his 
mother,  who  compromised  the  matter  with  twenty  pounds 
from  the  till;  which  made  twenty  pounds  four  shillings  and 
sixpence  paid  to  Signor  Billsmethi,  exclusive  of  treats  and 
pumps.  And  Mr.  Augustus  Cooper  went  back  aud  lived 
with  his  mother,  and  there  he  lives  to  this  day ;  aud  as  he  has 
lost  his  ambition  for  society,  and  never  goes  into  the  world, 
be  will  never  see  this  account  of  himself,  and  will  never  bo 
any  the  wiser. 


DER  GOOT  LOOKIN  SHNOW. 

ANOSTMOUa. 

Oh,  (lot  Bhnow,  dot  goot  lookiu  shnow, 
Vhich  makes  vou  der  .shky  out,  on  tiugs  below; 
Uud  yoost  on  dur  bauso  vberc  dcr  shingles  vas  grow, 
You  come  mit  some  coklnoss,  vherel'er  3'ou  go; 
Valtzin  und  phlayin  und  zinging  along, 
Goot  i()(jkin  shnow,  3'ou  dond  cood  dime  wrong. 
Efen  of  you  make  on  some  oldt  gal's  scheek, 
It  makes  notting  tifferent,  ofer  das  shnndlesom  freak, 
Goot  lookin  shnow,  von  der  glouds  jiy  der  sliky, 
You  vas  bully  mit  cold  vedder,  uud  bully  von  higli. 

Oil,  dot  shnow,  dot  goot  lookin  slmow, 
Yoost  dis  vay  und  dot  you  mako  vlien  you  go  ; 


136  DER  GOOT  LOOKI^^  SHNOW. 

Fhlyin  arouncU,  you  got  matuess  niit  fun, 
Uud  f  breeze  makes  der  iiuse  of  efer^-  vou  ; 
Lafein,  rnniuD,  mit  gwickness  go  pr, 
Toost  shtobbiu  a  leedle,  deu  pooty  gwiek  fbly ; 
Und  efeu  der  togs,  dot  vas  out  in  der  vet, 
Vood  sbnab  at  der  bieces  vhicb  makes  ou  dbere  hedt. 
Der  peobles  vas  grazy,  uud  caddies  rood  crow 
Und  say  how  you  vas,  you  goot  lookiu  sbuow. 

Und  so  gwick  you  vas  dbere,  und  der  redder  did  sbuow, 
Dbey  sbpeak  out  in  dones  so  shweeder  as  low, 
Und  der  sbleigb-riders,  too,  vas  gone  py  in  der  lite, 
You  dond  cood  saw  dbem,  dill  quite  out  of  site. 
Sebwimmen,  sbkimmen,  fblirdin  dbey  go 
Eecbt  on  der  tob  of  dot  goot  lookin  sbuow. 
Dot  shnow  vas  vbite  glean  vben  it  comes  der  sbky  down, 
Und  yoost  so  muddy  Uke   mud,  vben  it  comes  of  der 

town. 
To  been  valked  on  py  more  as  dwo  boondret  fife  feet, 
Dill  gwick,  vas  yoost  lookin  so  pblaek  like  der  sbtreet. 

Veil,  I  vas  yoost  lookin  vonce  so  goot  like  dot  sbnow. 
But  I  tumbled  me  off,  und  vay  I  did  go ; 
Nicbt  so  glean,  like  der  mut  dot  growed  ou  der  sbtreet, 
I  vas  sbcraped  von  der  poots  off,  of  der  peobles  I  meet. 
Diukiu  und  sbworiu,  I  like  of  I  die. 
To  been  sbtiff  like  a  mackerel  mit  no  von  to  buy, 
Tbile  I  trink  me  some  lager  to  got  a  sbquare  meal, 
I  vas  afraid  von  der  gbosts  mine  pody  vood  sbteal. 
Got  in  Himmel,  how  ish  dot  ?  Yas  I  gone  down  so  low, 
Yhen  I  vonce  vas  so  vbiteness  like  dot  goot  lookin 
shnow  ? 

Yah,  for  dhrue,  I  vas  told  you,  I  vas  vonce  pure  like 

dot  shnow, 
Mit  blaindy  of  lofe,  von  mine  heart  out  vas  grow; 
I  dink  von  dhem  efery  von,  und  dhey  dink  von  me  too, 
Und  I  vas  humpugged  mit  fbladeries,' dot's  yoost  vot 
dbej'  do. 

Miue  Fadder,  Mudder,  Gabruder  der  same. 


THE   CELEBKATED   JUMriXG  FROG.  137 

Yas  loose  me  some   sympadies,  nud  forget  vonce 
mine  uame, 
Und  dot  raskals  who  comes  of  me  in  der  tarkness  py  nite, 
Yood  gone  more  as  a  plocks  to  got  out  of  mine  site. 
Der  coat  von  mine  leeks,  und  pt)ots  of  mine  toe, 
Yas  not  gleaner  as  doze  of  dot  goot  lookin  shnow. 

It  vas  gweer  it  shood  been  dot  dot  goot  lookin  shnow 
Yood  make  on  a  pad  mans  mit  no  vhere  to  go ; 
Und  how  gweer  it  vood  been,  vheu  yoost  pehindt  tay, 
Ofer  der  hail  und  das  vind  mit  mine  pody  rood  pblay, 
Hobbiu,  skibbcn,  und  me  dedt  like  an  eel — 
Mine  mat  vas  got  oop,  nefer  a  vord  cood  I  shpcil, 
To  been  zeen  py  der  peobles  who  vas  valk  ofer  der  town, 
"Who  vas  dickled  mit  pbleasures,  of  der  shnow  vas  come 

down, 
I  yoost  lay  der  ground,  und  gone  di»^d  mit  a  woo. 
Mit  a  pedgwilts  und  billows,  von  der  goot  lookin  shnow. 


THE  CELEBRATED  JUMPING  FROG. 

WITH   PEKMISSION  OF  THE  ALTIIOU,  mark  twai.v.    ' 

There  was  a  feller  here  once  by  the  name  of  .Inn  Siniloy, 
who  was  the  curiosest  man  about  always  bettinfj  on  any- 
thing that  turned  up  you  ever  see,  if  he  could  get  anybody 
to  bet  on  the  other  side ;  and  if  ho  couldn't,  he'd  change 
sides.  Any  way  that  suited  the  other  man  would  suit  him — 
any  way  just  eo's  he  got  a  bet,  he  was  satisfied.  He  was 
always  ready  ;ind  hiying  for  a  cli;ince. 

Well,  this  hyor  Smiley  had  rat-tarriers,  and  fight incr- 
cocks,  and  tom-cats  and  all  them  liind  of  things,  till  you 
couldn't  rest,  nnd  you  couldn't  fetch  nothing  for  him  to  bet 
on  but  he'd  match  you.  TTc  Notched  a  frog  one  d;iy,  nnd 
twtk  him  homo,  .'ind  said  ho  cal'klated  to  odcrcatchim  ;  and 
so  he  never  donf  nothing  for  throe  montlis  but  set  in  his 
back  yard  and  learn  that  frog  to  jump    And  you  bet  you 


133  THE   CELEBRATED  JFMri^'G   FROG. 

be  did  learn  hini;  too.  He'd  give  him  a  little  punch  behind, 
and  the  next  minute  you'd  see  that  frog  whirling  iu  the  air 
like  a  doughnut — see  him  turn  one  summerset,  or  may  be 
a  couple  if  he  got  a  good  start,  and  come  down  flat-footed 
and  all  right,  hke  a  cat.  He  got  him  up  so  iu  the  matter 
of  catching  flies,  and  kept  him  in  practice  so  constant,  that 
he'd  nail  a  fly  every  time  as  for  as  he  could  see  him.  Smi- 
ley said  all  a  frog  wanted  was  education,  and  he  could  do 
most  anything— and  I  believe  him.  Why,  I've  seen  him 
set  Dau'l  Webster  down  here  on  this  floor— Dan'l  Webster 
was  the  name  of  the  frog— and  sing  out,  "  Flies,  Dan'I, 
flies  !"  and  quicker'u  you  could  wink,  he'd  spring  straight 
up,  and  snake  a  fly  ofTu  the  counter  there,  and  flop  down 
on  the  floor  again  as  sohd  as  a  gob  of  mud,  and  fall  to 
scratching  the  side  of  his  head  with  his  hind  foot,  as  indif- 
ferent as  if  he  hadn't  no  idea  he'd  been  doiu'  any  more'n 
any  frog  might  do.  You  never  see  a  frog  so  modest  and 
straightfor'ard  as  he  was,  for  all  he  was  so  gifted.  And 
when  it  come  to  fair  and  square  jumping  on  a  dead  level, 
he  could  get  over  more  ground  at  one  straddle  than  any 
animal  of  his  breed  you  ever  see.  Jumping  on  a  dead  level 
was  his  strong  suit,  you  understand  ;  and  when  it  come  to 
tlmt,  Smiley  would  ante  up  money  on  him  as  long  as  he 
had  a  red.  Smiley  was  monstrous  proud  of  his  frog,  and 
well  he  might  be,  for  fellers  that  had  traveled  and  been 
everywheres  all  said  that  he  laid  over  any  frog  that  ever 
they  see. 

Well,  Smiley  kept  the  beast  in  a  little  lattice  box,  and 
he  used  to  fetch  him  down  town  sometimes  and  lay  for  a 
bet.  One  day  a  feller — a  stranger  in  the  camp,  he  was — 
come  across  him  with  his  box,  and  says: 

"  What  might  it  be  that  you've  got  iu  the  box?'' 

And  Smiley  says,  sorter  indifierent  like,  "It  might  be  a 
parrot,  or  it  might  be  a  canary,  may  be,  but  it  ain't- it's 
only  jest  a  frog." 

And  the  feller  took  it,  and  looked  at  it  careful  and  turned 


THE   CELEBRATED  JUMPING   FROG.  139 

it  round  this  way  and  that,  and  says,  "  H'm — so  'tis.  Well, 
what's  he  good  for  ?" 

"  Well,"  Smiley  says,  easy  and  careless,  ''  He's  good 
enough  for  one  thing,  I  should  judge — he  can  outjump  any 
frog. in  Calaveras  county." 

The  feller  took  the  box  again,  and  took  another  long, 
particular  look,  and  give  it  hack  to  Smiley,  and  says,  very 
deliberate,  "  Well,  I  don't  see  no  p'ints  about  that  frog 
that's  any  better'n  any  other  frog." 

'•  May  be  you  don't,"  Smiley  says  ;  ''  may  be  you  under- 
stand frogs,  and  may  be  you  don't  understand  'em  ;  may 
be  you've  had  experience,  and  may  be  you  ain't  only  a 
amature,  as  it  were.  Anyways,  I've  got  my  opinion,  and 
I'll  risk  forty  dollars  that  he  can  outjump  anything  in  Cal- 
averas county." 

And  the  feller  studied  a  minute,  and  then  says,  kinder 
sad  like,  *'  Well,  I'm  only  a  stranger  here,  and  I  ain't  got 
no  frog  ;  but  if  I  had  a  frog  I'd  bet  you." 

And  then  Smiley  says,  "  That's  all  right — that's  all  right 
— if  you'll  hold  my  box  a  minute,  I'll  go  and  get  you  a  frog." 
And  so  the  feller  took  the  box,  and  put  up  his  forty  dollars 
along  with  Smiley's,  and  set  down  to  wait. 

So  he  set  thei-e  a  good  while,  thinking  and  thinking  to 
hisself,  and  then  he  got  the  frog  out  and  pried  his  mouth 
open  and  took  a  teaspoon  and  filled  him  full  of  quail  shot 
— filled  him  i)retty  near  up  to  his  chin — and  set  him  on  the 
floor.  Smiley  he  went  to  the  swamp  and  slopped  around  in 
the  mud  for  a  long  time,  and  finally  he  ketohcd  a  frog, 
and  fetched  him  in,  and  give  him  to  this  feller,  and  says : 

"Now,  if  you're  ready,  set  him  alongside  of  Dan'l,  with 
his  fore-paws  jest  even  with  Dan'I's,  and  I'll  give  the  word." 
Then  lie  says,  "  One,  two,  three— jump  !"  and  him  and  tho 
feller  toiu-hed  up  the  frogs  from  behind,  aiul  the  new  frog 
hopped  ofl",  but  Dan'l  give  a  heave,  and  hysted  \\\)  liis 
shoulders,  so,  like  a  Frenchman,  but  it  wasn't  no  use— ho 
couldn't  budge;  ho  was  planted  as  solid  as  an  anvil,  and 


140  THE    "  LOST  CHORD." 

he  conldji't  no  more  stir  than  if  he  was  anchored  out.  Smi- 
ley was  a  good  deal  surprised,  and  he  was  disgusted  too, 
but  he  didn't  have  no  idea  what  the  matter  was,  of  course. 

The  feller  took  the  money  and  started  away,  and  when 
he  was  going  out  at  the  door  he  sorter  jerked  his  thumb 
over  his  shoulders,  this  way,  at  Dan'l,  and  says  again,  very 
'deliberate,  "  Well,  I  don't  see  no  p'ints  about  that  frog 
that's  any  better'u  any  other  frog." 

Smiley  be  stood  scratching  his  head  and  looking  down 
at  Dan'l  a  long  time,  and  at  last  he  says,  "  I  do  wonder 
what  in  the  nation  that  frog  tbrow'd  off  for — I  wonder  if 
there  ain't  something  the  matter  with  him — he  'pears  to 
look  mighty  baggy,  somehow."  And  he  ketched  Dan'l  by 
the  nap  of  the  neck  and  lifted  him  up  and  says,  "  Why, 
blame  my  cats  if  he  don't  weigh  five  pound  !"  and  turned 
hira  upside  down,  and  he  belched  out  a  double  handful  of 
s1iot.  And  then  he  see  how  it  was,  and  he  was  the  mad- 
dest man — he  set  the  frog  down  and  took  out  after  that  M- 
ler,  but  he  never  ketched  him. 


THE  "LOST  CHORD." 

Seated  one  day  at  the  organ, 
I  was  weary  and  ill  at  ease, 

And  my  fingers  wandered  idly 
Over  the  noisy  keys. 

I  do  not  know  what  I  was  playing, 
Or  what  I  was  dreaming  then  ; 

But  I  struck  one  chord  of  music, 
Like  the  sound  of  a  great  Amen  ! 

It  flooded  the  crimson  twilight, 
Like  the  close  of  an  angei's  psalm, 

And  it  lay  on  ray  fevered  spirit, 
"With  a  touch  of  infinite  calm. 


ADELAIDE  PBOCTOK. 


A  TALE   OF  A  LEG.  141 

It  quieted  pain  and  sorrow, 

Like  love  overcoming  strife ; 
It  seemed  the  harmonious  echo 

From  our  discordant  life. 

It  linked  all  perplexed  meanings 

Into  one  perfect  peace, 
And  trembled  awaj'  into  silence, 

As  if  it  were  loth  to  cease. 

I  have  souglit,  but  I  seek  it  vainly. 

That  one  lost  chord  divine, 
That  came  from  the  soul  of  the  organ, 

And  entered  into  mine. 

It  may  be  that  Death's  bright  angel 

Will  speak  in  that  chord  again  ; 
It  may  be  that  only  in  heaven 

I  shall  hear  that  grand  Amen. 


A  TALE  OF  A  LEG. 

THIJI.Va    9IlLI.F.n. 

Ben  Brust  was  drivin;,'  his  sliecp  from  Newark.  Ben 
liad  a  fine  leg  of  Nortbainptonshire  mutton  slung  over  his 
shoulder,  and  ever  as  he  drove  his  sheep  along,  and  got 
them  nicely  together,  he  turned  to  admire  the  joint,  and 
hy  ajerk  of  Ids  arm  brought  it  at  tlio  front.  "  IIcv  it 
boiled,"  said  Ben  ;  "sup  of  prime  broth,  but  broth  fillsono 
80  soon.  It's  prime  baked  over  a  lot  of  nice  mealy  tatocs, 
it  gives  tlic  tatocs  sich  a  flavor.  Boasted's  better— but, 
laws!  it  mecks  me  so  hungry  while  turning  it,  and  I  half 
fill  mo  we'  sops  in  the  pan.  And  he  again  examined  it, 
took  hold  of  the  shank  and  felt  its  weight,  then  threw  it 
once  more  over  bis  shoulder.  The  fat  almost  frizzled  in  tlio 
sun,  fortlie  morning  was  unusually  hot.  How  nice  it  will 
(jjit—prinu' red  gravy  I  England's  a  glorious  country  !  tliero's 
no  sich  legs  of  mutton  in  the  world  beside,  tiiere  isn't  a  leg 
like  this  in  foicign  parts  abroad.     It's  a  blessed  country. 


142  A   TALE   OF   A    LEG. 

But  I  begin  to  want  my  lunch.  Or  should  I  stay  and  make 
a  good  dinner  at  Bestliorpe  f  I  think  1  will,  he  gives  cap- 
ital shilling  dinners.  He  says  he  loses  two  shillings  by  me 
every  time.  I  dare  say  he  don't  get  much.  But,  laws! 
everybody  don't  eat  alike ;  and  I  dare  say,  what  we'  one 
and  another,  it  pays  very  well  indeed.  Who  the  dickens 
is  yon  coming  '?  Why,  I  declare  it's  my  wife's  cousin.  Dash 
him,  if  he  sees  this  mutton  he'll  want  to  fall  bones  on  it ! 
He's  sich  a  fellow  for  fresh  meat." 

"Sweet  leg  of  mutton  there,  Ben,"  said  cousin  William, 
glutting  his  gaze  upon  it,  as  if  he  would  have  eaten  it  with 
his  eyes.  "  What  a  nice  relish  a  slice  round  would  but 
give  a  pint  of  ale  !  I  made  but  a  poor  breakfast.  I  never 
saw  a  prettier  leg  than  that,  Ben." 

"  It's  a  real  good  un,"  answered  Ben,  hitching  it  farther 
back,  "  and  I  mean  to  hev  it  done  for  Sunday's  dinner." 

"  I  don't  mind  going  back  we'  you,"  said  the  hungry- 
looking  cousin.  "  I  should  enjoy  a  bit  of  that  mutton  on 
Sunday,  Ben,  that  I  should." 

"It  would  be  all  the  better  for  being  bung  up  a  day  or 
two  longer,"  said  Ben,  who  had  seen  cousin  William  eat 
once,  "  and  if  I  should  change  my  mind,  and  not  hev  it 
cooked  on  Sunday,  it  would  be  a  disappointment  to  you." 

"  Why,  for  that  matter,"  answered  the  persevering  cousin, 
"I  could  stay  as  long  as  it  would  keep  good." 


"  I'll  tell  you  what  I'll  do,"  said  Ben  ;  "  if  you'll  pay  for 
th'  ale,  I'll  stand  a  dinner  for  you  at  Besthorpe.  They 
charge  a  shilling,  and  if  you  eat  a. stone  of  meat,  they 
charge  no  more.  You'll  see  how  I'll  teck  the  landlord  in, 
f(jr  he's  often  grumbled  at  giving  a  dinner  for  a  shilling; 
but  we'H  sarve  him  nnt  to-day.     Are  you  in  ffood  trim?" 

"Capital,"  said  cousin  William;  "I'm  good  for  balf-a- 
crown's  worth,  nnylinw." 

"Then  we'll  do  him,  by  Jove!"  said  Ben,  rubbing  his 


A   TALE   OF   A   LEG.  143 

hands  with  delight ;  ''  for  I'm  in  beautiful  order.  He  shall 
hev  someat  to  grumble  about  this  time.  I  think  you  and 
I,  cousin,  can  put  as  much  under  our  jackets,  as  any  two 
men  in  England." 

Tbey  soon  arrived  at  Besthorpe,  and  put  up  at  the  old 
"  Black  Bell." 

The  sheep  were  put  into  a  neighboring  paddock,  and 
Ben  began  to  inquire  after  dinner. 

"It's  only  just  down,"  said  the  landlord,  looking  very 
hard  at  cousin  William's  long  jaws,  for  the  host  had  some 
skill  in  the  physiognomy  of  a  good  trencherman,  and  he 
wished  his  guests  had  traveled  a  little  farther.  "  It'll  be  au 
hour  and  a  half  before  it's  ready.  Hadn't  you  better  go' 
on  to  Newton  ?— you'll  about  get  there  in  time." 

"  No,  thank  you,"  said  Ben,  winking  at  his  cousin,  "  we 
can  wait  till  dinner's  ready ;  the  sheep  want  a  bit  of  a  rest." 
Then  calling  to  the  servant-girl,  he  said,  "Here,  Mary, 
just  hang  this  leg  of  mutton  up  in  a  cool  place  until  I  go." 

The  girl  obeyed  ;  and  as  the  landlord  threw  his  sharp 
eye  upon  it,  he  said,  "It's a  prime  leg  that,  Ben;  but  I 
think  we  shall  have  as  good  a  one  to-day." 

"  Roa.sted  f '  said  Ben. 

"  Yes ;  I'll  just  sec  how  they  are  getting  on  with  it,"  said 
the  landlord,  and  he  wont  into  the  back  kitchen. 

"Roast  leg  of  mutton,"  said  Ben,  nudging  the  cousin 
with  his  elbow  ;  "my  eyes,  William,  won't  we  sec  the  bono 
before  we've  done  we'  it !    We'll  teck  him  in." 

"  We  will,"  answered  cousin  William,  his  mouth  already 
watering.     "  I'll  astonish  you  to-day,  Ben." 

"  We'll  make  him  gape,"  sai<l  Ron,  "and  cat  such  a  meal 
as  ho'll  nivf.r  forgot.  Only  a  shilling,  my  boy  !  I'm  good 
for  three  iioimds." 

"  So  am  I,"  answered  William,  "  besides  bread  and 
potatoes.    Laws  !  I  wish  it  wa.s  but  ready." 


144  A   TALE   OP   A  LEG. 

It  seemed  a  long  while  to  wait;  but  after  the  first  hour 
there  came  such  a  rich  smell  of  roast  mutton  from  the  back 
kitchen,  that  even  Ben  and  the  cousin  sat  patiently  to  in- 
hale it,  and  snuffed  up  the  fragrance  with  delight,  until 
their  appetites  rose  to  "  hunger  heat." 

"  Should  just  like  one  sop,"  said  Ben.  "Laws,  what  a 
delicious  smell." 

'*It  would  spoil  your  enjoying  the  last  pound,"  answered 
William.  "  I  like  to  start  with  a  clear  course.  I  think  I 
can  eat  half  of  it.  Just  throw  the  window  up,  Ben  ;  if  I 
hev  this  smell  much  longer,  I  shall  be  rushing  into  the 
kitchen  and  fetching  it  off  the  hook." 

'*  Dinner's  ready,"  said  the  landlord,  and  Ben  and  the 
cousin  had  well-nigh  tumbled  over  each  other,  in  the  hurry 
to  reach  the  parlor ;  they  had  not  time  to  think  of  time. 

It  was  really  a  fine  leg  of  mutton,  and  the  dish  of  new 

potatoes  looked  beautiful — the  landlord  had  dug  them  out 

of  his  garden.     Thoy  would  have  been  sufficient  for  half-a- 

,  dozen  ordinary  people.     A   new  brown  loaf  stood  in  the 

bread-basket. 

Ben  made  a  hole  in  the  middle  of  the  leg  at  the  first  cut, 
such  as  two  men,  with  a  fair  appetite,  might  be  supposed 
to  leave  after  they  have  dined. 

Cousin  William  devoured  the  largest  mouthfuls,  but  Ben 
seemed  to  make  the  most  progress — to  take  it  easier,  some- 
how. He  cut  his  meat  in  smaller  pieces,  and  ate  two  to 
his  cousin's  one — Ben  had  excellent  teeth.  A  potato  van- 
ished at  every  mouthful — not  one  was  cut — they  seemed  to 
go  down  whole.  "  Don't  spare  it,"  said  Ben,  having  fin- 
ished his  first  huge  plateful.  ''Just  the  same  to  pay  if  we 
eat  it  all !     Beautiful,  isn't  it  f 

"Ah!  quite  heavenly,"  answered  the  cousin,  casting  a 
loving  glance  at  the  joint,  then  helping  himself  to  another 
tremendous  slice,  and  adding,  "  Eating's  hard  work,  Ben  ;" 
and  he  took  off"  his  neckcloth  and  smock-frock  and  threw 
them  on  the  flour.   Ben  ate  on,  and  seemed  not  to  put  him- 


A  TALE   OF  A  LEG.  145 

self  out  of  the  way.  He  was  like  a  man  who,  being  perfectly 
master  of  his  trade,  feels  no  doubt  of  fiuisbing  his  task  in 
first-rate  style,  and  goes  on  easily  and  leisurely  ;  while  the 
cousiu,  scarcely  so  perfect  a  hand,  seemed  to  make  a  labor 
of  it. 

"  It  looks  very  queer  now,"  said  Ben,  laying  down  his 
knife  and  fork,  and  taking  a  close  survey  of  the  joint, 
which  looked  like  a  bottle  with  nearly  the  whole  centre 
gone,  and  only  the  bottom  and  neck  left.  "  He'll  not  save 
a  fortune  out  of  us,  I  think." 

"He'll  remember  our  shilling  dinner  the  longest  day  ho 
has  to  live."  And  Ben  glanced  at  the  remainder  of  the  leg 
and  smiled — the  sight  of  it  pleased  him,  for  it  looked  al- 
most all  bone.  "  It  weighs  six  pounds  lighter  than  it  did," 
said  Ben,  ".I'll  warrant  it;"  and  his  fat  sides  shook  with 
delight.  Then  he  laughed  outright  as  he  thought  how  they 
bad  taken  the  host  in. 

"  Eating  takes  away  one's  appetite  after  we've  swallowed 
the  first  two  pounds,"  said  William. 

"  It  does,"  answered  Ben.  "  I  think  a  man,  according 
to  his  size,  eats  the  least  of  anything.  Look  what  a  truss 
of  hay  a  horse  can  get  through.  Now  I  think  we  ought  to 
eat  as  much  accordingly;  then  a  leg  of  mutton  for  one 
man  would  be  a  fair  njeal.  Laws,  cousin  !  lay  down  four 
or  five  pound  of  meat  beside  me — then  look  at  my  size — 
why,  it  seems  like  nowt  !" 

"No  more  it  don't,"  replied  tho  cousin. 

•  ••«*«« 

Cousin  William  took  up  the  last  potato  and  cut  it  in 
two.  It  was  the  first  one  that  had  been  halved.  He  dip- 
lied  it  in  salt  and  gravy,  and  had  difficulty  to  swallow  it. 
Ho  was  full  to  the  very  throat.  They  had  oaten  like  fam- 
ished wolves. 

"  Now,  then,  we'll  be  jf)g;,nng  on  the  road,"  said  William; 
"and  I'll  pull  the  bell,  to  see  what's  to  pay.  Tho  two  shil- 
lings for  dinner  you're  to  stand,  Ben.    I'll  pay  for  tho  alo." 


146  A  TALE   or  A  LEG. 

''All  right,"  answered  Ben,  and  the  landlord  entered  the 
room.  They  both  cast  down  their  eyes,  for  (to  do  them 
justice)  they  felt  half-ashamed  of  looking  either  at  the 
landlord  or  the  mangled  skeleton  that  lay  on  the  dish. 

"  I'm  glad  to  see  you've  made  sich  a  famous  dinner,"  said 
the  landlord,  smiling. 

"We've  done  very  fairly  indeed,"  replied  Ben,  now  look- 
hig  up  under  such  encouragement.     "  What's  to  pay?" 

"There's  nothing  to  pay,  Ben,"  answered  the  host; 
"  potatoes,  bread,  ale  and  cooking  you're  welcome  to,  and 
I'm  glad  to  get  off  so  cheap.  The  leg  of  mutton  was  your 
own,  Ben,  and  I  hope  it  was  done  to  your  liking  1" 

"  What  V'  said  Ben,  not  fully  comprehending  the  host's 
meaning  ;  "you  don't  mean  to  say  that  we've  been  eating 
that  leg  of  mutton  I  brought !" 

"  The  very  sam^^,"  answered  the  host,  laughing.  "I  put 
it  down  to  roast  myself." 

Ben  stared  at  the  landlord  in  silence,  and,  after  a  long 
pause,  he  said,  "  Why,  it  cost  me  six  shillings.  It's  a  regu- 
lar swindle,"  continued  Ben,  "  and  I'll  hev  an  action-at-law 
against  you.  Here  you  pretend  to  give  a  man  a  dinner  for 
a  shilling,  and  set  before  him  his  own  joint  that  cost  six 
shillings,  which  he  eats  up  and  loses  five  by  it ;  I'll  never 
use  your  house  again.  What  do  I  care  about  your  few  po- 
tatoes, your  bit  of  bread  and  drop  of  ale?  I'll  have  my 
leg  of  mutton,  if  I  get  it  out  of  your  bones." 

Cousin  William  could  scarcely  keep  his  seat  for  laughing; 
he  shook  from  head  to  foot,  as  he  exclaimed,  "  So  I've 
dined  off  that  prime  leg  after  all.  Ben,  you're  done  this 
time." 

"  I  niver  was  so  tecken  in  before  in  ray  life,"  said  Ben. 
"Next  time  I  dine  anywhere,  and  hev  a  joint  we'  me,  I'll 
keep  it  tied  round  my  shoulder  all  the  while  I  eat.  Dash 
your  wig,  landlord,  you've  done  me  this  time,  but  I'll  be 
even  we'  you  yet !" 


THAT   'U'EST-SIDE   DOG.  147 

T^T   WEST-SIDE   DOG,    OR   WILLIAM    NYE    IN 
CHICAGO. 

B.  F.  WILKIE. 

There  is  a  family  out  on  the  west-side  who  had  a  visit 
one  day  from  a  strange  dog.  He  wallied  in  while  they  were 
at  breakfast,  gave  them  a  friendly  shake  of  his  tail,  and 
then  sat  down  and  waited  expectantly  for  a  bone,  just  as 
though  he  had  always  lived  there. 

He  was  not  a  handsome  dog.  His  father  must  have  been 
a  mighty  mean-looking  dog,  and  his  mother  must  have 
looked  meanerthan  his  father,  while  he  inherited  all  their 
mean  looks,  and  had  picked  up  a  few  additional  ones  on 
his  own  account.  He  was  short-legged,  with  great  splay 
feet  that  turned  out,  a  big  body,  a  head  like  a  big,  dirty 
lump  of  dough,  and  a  mouth  that  opened  as  far  back  as 
an  oyster's. 

He  was  given  a  bone  and  requested  to  put  out,  which  ho 
proceeded  not  to  do  by  being  suddenly  possessed  with  tlie 
idea  that  there  was  some  lurking  danger  in  the  coal-house, 
which  only  he  was  couipetent  to  master.  Then  ho  went 
for  rats  behind  the  house,  and  then  he  proceeded  to  open 
on  some  boys  who  were  playing  tag  on  a  vacant  lot.  He 
did  all  these  things  to  prove  that  he  was  a  valuable  dog. 
But  the  thing  didn't  win.  He  was  finally  chased  into  the 
street,  and  around  two  blocks. 

A  half  an  hour  later,  that  same  dog  walked  into  the 
kitchen,  wag<,Mnji  his  tail  as  if  he  wislied  to  invite  attention 
to  the  fact  that  Ik^  had  l)een  engaged  in  arduous  labor  for  the 
benefit  of  the  family,  and  would  take  another  bone  for  his 
reward.  For  three  days  was  that  dog  kicked  out,  broom- 
sticked  out,  mop-sticked  out,  while  his  retreat  was  harass- 
ed 1)y  old  shoes,  bricks,  ])ieees  of  stove-wood,  and  chunks 
of  coal;  but  it  was  all  of  no  use.  He  always  left  on  such 
occasions  with  an  appearance  of  the  most  alijcict  terroi-,  and 
would  be  back  in  t(;n  minutes  with  a  stmny  smile  on  his 
open  mouth,  and  a  friendly  wag  In  his  tail,  as  if  ho  was  re- 


143  THAT   WEST-SIDE   DOG. 

joiced  to  see  everybody,  and  he  knew  everybody  was 
equally  rejoiced  to  see  bira. 

Having  thrown  a  couple  of  cords  of  wood  at  him,  and  a 
ton  or  so  of  coal,  the  woman  of  the  house,  who  is  a  great 
strategist,  and  abounding  in  resources,  resolved  to  econo- 
mize in  fuel  and  to  try  something  else.  With  this  view, 
she  hunted  up  an  old  tea-kettle  and  a  piece  of  stout  twine. 
Inside  tbe  kettle  were  put  tin  things,  so  that  when  the  ket- 
tle was  shaken  it  was  a  musical  instrument  of  very  high 
power.  And  tbeu  William  Nye — that  was  his  name — was 
invited  into  the  sitting-room.  He  was  rather  amazed  at 
such  unwonted  condescension,  but,  supposing  it  the  rew-ard 
fur  having  just  throttled  a  pet  cat  belonging  to  a  little  girl 
nest  door,  he  came  in  with  the  air  of  a  conqueror. 

And  then  to  William's  tail  the  young  woman  proceeded 
to  attach  the  piece  of  twine,  with  a  double  and  a  half  hitch. 
Mr.  Nye,  looking  upon  the  matter  as  a  decoration  for  his 
gallantry  in  the  cat  business,  took  the  process  with  great 
equanimity.  When  it  was  all  hitched,  William  was  pointed 
to  the  other  door,  and  insinuatingly  invited  to  "  sick  'im !" 
as  if  there  were  another  cat  or  two. 

William  was  a  willing  dog,  and  so  he  up  and  got,  to  ''  sick 
'ira."  He  proceeded  to  start  for  the  door,  and,  in  do- 
ing so,  hauled  taut  the  piece  of  twiue,  whose  other  end,  it 
may  be  remarked,  had  been  attached  with  great  care  to 
the  tea-kettle.  This  strain  excited  Mr.  Nye's  curiosity, 
and  he  turned  himself  about,  and  smelt  first  of  the  hitch 
on  his  tail,  and  then  transferred  his  investigations  to  the 
tea-kettle.  He  seemed  to  discover  nothing  very  suspicious, 
and,  supposing  everything  right,  he  resolved  to  make  up  for 
lost  time,  and  made  a  vigorous  lunge  after  the  hypotheti- 
cal cats.  This  brought  the  tea-kettle  with  a  heavy  im- 
pact against  the  rear-guard  of  Mr.  Nye's  column.  There- 
suit  was  a  panic. 

It  had  been  expected  that  when  Mr.  Nye  took  up  his 
march,  it  would  be  through  the  kitchen  door,  thence  into 


ROVr  DEXXIS   TOOK   THE   PLEDGE.  149 

tbe  street,  thence  straight  ahead  in  a  direct  line  for  Calu- 
met or  Bridgeport.  But  tiie  parlor  door  happened  to  be 
open,  and  Mr.  Nye  shot  through  it. 

It  u-as  a  thrilling  attair,  and  lasted  some  time.  "William 
laid  down  his  ears,  and  commenced  making  the  circuit  of 
the  parlor  at  a  rate  so  rapid  that  one  couldn't  tell  whether 
it  was  the  dog  running  away  with  the  tea-kettle  or  the  tea- 
kettle running  away  with  the  dog.  The  first  eight  times 
around  he  knocked  down  the  etagere,  and  smashed  in  the 
lower  panes  of  the  book-case.  The  next  eleven  times 
around-,  he  knocked  down  three  flower-pots,  broke  a 
molding  cflf  the  sola,  and  smashed  three  costly  vases. 
Every  time  he  went  around  he  made  a  big ''dent"  in 
each  leg  of  the  piano,  until,  at  the  last,  they  loooked  like 
sticks  of  cord-wood. 

In  all,  with  his  ears  flat  down,  his  tongue  out  eighteen 
inches,  and  his  mouth  open  like  a  carpet-sack,  he  went 
around  till  he  had  knocked  off  all  the  plastering  within 
two  feet  of  the  floor,  chipped  all  the  furniture,  and  then' 
he  made  a  bolt  through  the  window,  smashing  a  large  pane 
of  glass,  went  through  the  gate,  and  thence  down  the  street, 
rattling  and  clattering  as  though  he  were  a  runaway  tin- 
pedler's  cart. 

And  that's  the  last  that  w\as  ever  seen  of  William  Nyo 
by  that  west-side  family.  All  that  could  bo  said  of  him 
was  that,  like  sorrow,  he  had  been,  and  left  his  traces  there. 


now  DENNIS  TOOK  THE  PLEDGE. 


AN0NTM0IT9. 


A  Limerick  Irishman  named  Dennis,  addicted  to  strong 
drink,  was  often  urged  by  his  friends  to  sign  the  pledge, 
but  with  no  avail,  until  one  day  they  read  to  him  from  a 
ne\vspa|)er  an  account  of  a  man  who  had  become  so  llior- 
ougiily  saturated  with  alcohol,  that,  on  attempting  to  blow 
out  a  candle,  bis  breath  ignited,  and  bo  was  instantly  blown 


150  TEE  riSHEEMAiJ'S  SUMMONS. 

to .  atoms.  Dennis'  face  showed  mingled  horror  and  con- 
trition, and  his  friends  thought  that  the  long-desired  mo- 
ment of  repentance  was  at  hand. 

"  Bring  me  the  hook,  hoys,  hring  me  the  hook  !  Troth, 
his  hreatli  took  fire,  did  it?  Sure  I'll  niver  die  that  death, 
anyhow;"  said  Dennis,  with  the  most  solemn  countenance 
imaginahle.  "  Hear  me  now,  hoys,  hear  me  now.  I,  Den- 
nis Finnegan,  knowin'  my  great  weakness,  deeply  sinsible 
of  my  past  sins,  an'  the  great  danger  I've  been  in,  hereby 
take  me  solenm  oath  that,  so  long  as  I  live,  under  no  pro- 
vocation whativer,  will  I — blow  out  a  candil  agin .'" 


THE  FISHERMAN'S  SUMMONS. 

ANONYMOUS. 

The  sea  is  calling,  calling  ! 

TVife,  is  there  a  log  to  spare  ? 
Fling  it  down  on  the  hearth  and  call  them  in, 
The  boys  and  girls  with  their  merry  din, 
I  am  loth  to  leave  you  all  just  yet ; 
In  the  light  and  the  noise  I  might  forget 

The  voice  in  the  evening  air. 

The  sea  is  calling,  calling, 

Along  the  hollow  shore ; 
I  know  each  nook  in  the  rocky  strand, 
And  the  crimson  weeds  on  the  golden  sand. 
And  the  worn  old  cliff  where  the  sea-pinks  cling, 
And  the  winding  caves  where  the  echoes  ring — 

I  shall  wake  them  never  more. 

How  it  keeps  calling,  calling, 

It  is  never  a  night  to  sail ; 
I  saw  the  "sea-dog"  over  the  height, 
As  I  strained  through  the  haze  my  failing  sight, 
And  the  cottage  creaks  and  rocks,  well  nigh 
As  the  old  "  Fox  "  did  in  the  days  gone  by, 

In  the  moan  of  the  rising  gale. 


THE  fisherman's  SUMMONS.  151 

Yet  it  is  ealliug,  calling ; 

It  is  hard  on  a  soul,  I  sar, 
To  go  fluttering  out  in  the  cold  and  the  dark, 
Like  the  bird  they  tell  us  of,-from  the  ark, 
"While  the  foam  flies  thick  on  the  bitter  blast, 
And  the  angry  waves  roll  fierce  and  fast, 

TThere  the  black  buoj'  marks  the  bay. 

Do  you  hear  it  calling,  calling  ? 

And  yet,  I  am  ncme  so  old. 
At  the  herring  fishery,  but  last  year, 
Ko  boat  beat  mine  for  tackle  and  gear. 
And  I  steered  the  cobble  past  the  reef. 
When  the  broad  sail  shook  like  a  withered  leaf, 

And  the  nidder  chafed  my  hold. 

"Will  it  never  stop  calling,  calling? 

Can't  you  sing  a  song  by  the  hearth — 
A  heartsome  stave  of  a  merry  glass, 
Or  a  gallant  fight,  or  a  bonny  lass  ? 
Don't  you  care  for  your  grand-dad  just  so  much 
Come  near,  then,  give  me  a  hand  to  touch. 

Still  warm  with  the  wanuth  of  earth. 

You  hear  it  calling,  calling  ? 

Ask  her  wh\-  she  sits  and  cries. 
She  always  did  when  the  sea  was  up. 
She  would  fret,  and  never  take  bit  or  sup. 
When  I  and  the  lads  were  out  at  night, 
And  she  saw  the  breakers  cresting  white 

Beneath  the  low  Ijlack  skies. 

But  then,  in  its  calling,  calling. 
No  summons  to  soul  was  sent. 
Now — well,  fetch  the  parson,  find  the  book. 
It  is  up  on  the  shelf  thiire,  if  you  look  ; 
The  sea  has  been  frie,nd,  and  fire,  and  bread ; 
Put  mo  where  it  will  tell  of  nie,  lying  dead, 

Row  it  called,  and  I  rose  and  wcut. 


152  BADGEK'6  debut  as  IIAilLET. 

BADGER'S  DEBUT  AS  HAMLET. 

KKAU  BY  S.  JI.  BELLEW.  LITCHFIELD  moseley. 

"That's  sometbiiig  like  a  bill,"  said  Jobson,  the  mana- 
ger, boldiDg  it  against  tbe  wall,  and  addressing  me  as  I 
entered  bis  .sanctum.     It  read  as  follows  : 
J     Reopening  of  tbe  Theatre  Royal,  Slushington.    Under 
the  sole  management  of  Mr.  Leonardo  Jobson. 

Engagement  of  the  celebrated  American  Tragedian, 
Mr.  Titus  B.  Badger,  (from  the  principal  theatres  of  the 
United  States,  California,  New  Zealand,  the  Sandwich 
Islands,  the  Carribees  and  Tirabuctoo),  who  will  appear  in 
his  great  impersonation  of  Hamlet,  as  performed  by  him 
for  1231  nights  with  the  greatest  success. 

The  entire  press  of  the  two  hemispheres  has  unanimously 
pronounced  this  gentleman  to  be  the  only  successor  to 
Edmund  Kean. 

He  will  be  supported  by  a  powerful  Company,  selected 
from  the  principal  Metropolitan  Theatres. 

After  which  will  be  presented  an  entirely  New  and  Origi- 
nal Farce,  entitled  "  Skedaddling." 

Notwithstanding  the  enormous  expense  of  this  engage- 
ment, there  will  be  no  advance  in  the  prices. 

"  That's  something  like  a  bill,"  again  said  Jobson,  step- 
ping back  a  few  paces  in  order  more  fully  to  admire  it, 
"  What  do  you  think  of  it,  eh  ?" 

I  had  picked  up  a  slight  acquaintance  with  the  manager, 
who  was— to  use  the  mildest  term  possible — a  theatrical 
adventurer,  with  as  many  aliases  as  there  are  letters  in  the 
alphabet;  one  of  those  sharp  individuals  whose  trickiuess 
brings  the  stage  into  disrepute. 

"  A  very  taking  poster,"  I  replied. 

"  Think  so  ?"  said  he.  "  There's  one  fault  in  it — Badg- 
er's name  isn't  half  large  enough.  Tou  wouldn't  believe 
the  difference  that  an  inch  or  two  of  type  makes  to  a  trage- 
dian.   Supposing  I  leave  that  bill  as  it  is,  nobody  will 


badser's  debut  as  hamlet.  153 

thiuk  anything  of  Badger.  Give  him  ^^i'O-inch  letters,  peo- 
ple will  glance  at  the  name,  and  pass  on ;  increase  them 
to  fouTj  and  they'll  wonder  who  Badger  is ;  put  him  in 
fjfeZfe-iuch  type,  and  we  shan't  know  where  to  seat  the 
people.  I'm  having  some  posters  done  now  with  letters 
four  feet  high,  and  nothing  on  them  but  '  Badger  j'  and  if 
they  don't  draw  in  the  public  my  name's  not— Bless  me !  if 
I  know  what  my  name  is  !" 

"  I  should  not  have  thought  it,"  I  replied. 

"Shouldn't  you?  Why,  if  we  had  Phelps  down  here, 
and  only  gave  him  ordinary  type,  I  don't  believe  we  should 
have  fifty  people  in  the  house." 

"Indeed!  But  who  is  Badger?"  I  asked.  "I  never 
heard  of  him." 

"Xo  more  has  anybody  else.  But  we're  going  to  have  a 
dress  rehearsal  directly,  and  you  shall  see  him." 

"  Does  he  come  from  America  V 

"  Not  a  bit  of  it.  He's  a  stage-struck  young. idiot  from 
the  Bow-road,  who's  never  been  farther  west  than  Pimlico. 
His  name's  Tibbetts,  and  he's  clerk  to  a  shoemaker  in  the 
city.  Ho  fancies  he  has  a  genius  for  tragedy,  and  has 
paid  me  twenty  pounds  to  allow  him  to  appear  here. 
Fact !  My  company  never  costs  me  anything  for  salaries. 
I  always  make  'em  pay  me  for  the  privilege  of  performing. 
It  suits  my  pocket,  it  pleases  them,  and  so  neither  of  us 
grumble.     ^Mugford  I"     Tliis  was  to  one  of  the  carpentei-s. 

"  Tliir,"  said  Mugford,  wlio  Ruflered  from  a  lisp. 
■     "  Have  you  finished  those  skulls  yet — Yorick's  and  the 
other  two  ?" 

"Yeth,  Mithter  Jobthon,  thir.  I've  bought  three  big 
thwedo  turnipth,  and  I've  covered  'em  over  with  browu 
paper,  and  I  think  they'll  do,  tliir." 

"Very  well." 

Exit  Mugfftrrl  and  enter  Ikcy. 

"  Now,  Ikcy,  what  do  you  want  ?" 

"Please  sir,  we  can't  get  no  earth  for  Ilainlirk's  grave, 


154  BADGEK'S  DEBUT  AS  HAMLET. 

SO  you'll  have  to  do  with  a  bag  o'  silver  sand  ;  and  please, 
sir,  the  rehearsal  bell's  a-ringiug." 

"  That'll  do.  Now,  sir,  follow  me,  if  you  please,?'  and 
the  manager  led  the  way  onto  the  stage. 

''Ah,  Mr.  Badger,  allow  me  to  introduce  you  to  this 
gentleman — Mr.  Badger,  Mr.  Robinson.  Proud  to  make 
two  eminent  men  acquainted  with  each  other.  Mr.  Bad- 
ger, sir,"  said  Jobson,  turning  to  me—"  Mr.  Badger  is  a 
young  man  brimming  over  with  talent — genius,  sir,  pos- 
itive genius.     All  fire,  sir — all  fire." 

Perhaps  his  having  been  all  fire  accounted  for  his 
scarcity  of  flesh.  He  was  an-  overgrown,  shambling  lad, 
of  about  twenty,  with  a  cast  in  one  eye,  a  snub  nose,  red 
hair,  a  wide  mouth,  and  an  unpleasant  smile. 

"  'Ope  I  see  you  well,  sir,"  said  Badger,  grinning  sheep- 
ishly, and  sliding  a  damp  paw  into  my  hand. 

"  Well,  Mr.  Badger,  I  suppose  you're  going  to  astonish 
us  all  down  here." 

''  I  'ope  so,  sir." 

"I  hope  so  too,"  I  rejoined, 

"  Now,  then,  clear  the  stage  for  the  rehearsal !"  said 
Jobson.  "Where  are  you  ail? — King!  Queen!  Hamlet! 
Polonius  !  Rosencrantz  !  Guildenstern  !  Horatius  !  Mar- 
cellus !  Bernardo  !" 

"  Here  !"  "  Here !"  "  Here  !  Mr.  Jobson." 

"  Tompkins !  run  up  to  the  flies  with  some  nails  and  the 
glue-pot,  and  tinker  up  that  castle-wall  a  bit ;  and  Ikey  ! 
pull  up  that  sky,  and  let  the  moon  down  two  or  three  feet 
lower.  Hi !  what's  that  smoke  ?  What  are  you  burning 
in  that  moon — eh  ?" 

"Kerosene,  sir.'' 

"  Put  it  out !  put  it  out  directly  !  I  won't  have  a  kero- 
sene moon.  I  won't  have  a  drop  of  kerosene  in  the  place. 
Burn  candle-ends." 

"  Right,  sir." 

"  Mr.  Dawbs!  Mr.  Dawbs  !  where  is  Mr.  Dawbs  V 


BADGEll'S  DEBUT  AS  HAMLET.  155 

"  Here,  sir." 

"  What's  the  meaning  of  all  those  holes  in  that  horizon- 
cloth— eh  ?" 

"  They're  stars,  sir." 

"Stars,  sir  !  stars !  Why,  some  of  your  stars  are  bigger 
than  the  moon  ;  they're  not  stars,  they're  comets  !  me- 
teors, sir  !  meteors  !    Cover  'em  over  directly  !" 

"Certainly,  sir,"  said  the  crestfallen  Dawbs;  and  the 
rehearsal  commenced. 

In  the  opening  scene  I  heard  fragments  being  given 
thus : 

Ei)ig.     Though  yet  of  a — Hamlet,  our  dear  b.er-rother's  death 
The  mem'ry  be  ger-reen  ;  aud  that  it  is  befitted 
To  bear  our  a — hearts  in  ger-rief,  and  our  whole  Kingdom 
To  be  contracted  by  one  ber-row  of  woe,  &c. 

Queen,  (with  a  strong  Scotch  accent).   Gude  Hamlet,  cast  thee 
neeghted  coolor  off, 
An'  let  theeu  'ee  look  like  a  friend  on  Diumork  ; 
Do  not  for  eever  wi'  thee  vailed  lids 
Seek  for  the  nooble  feyther  in  the  doost. 
Thee  kuawest  'tis  common,  a'  that  leeves  must  deo, 
Passia'  thraw  nature  to  eternitee. 
"Wha'  seem  ye  then  to  fret  about  'un,  mon? 

Hamlet  (jerkily).    Seems,  madam.    Nay, /a7 /i/s. 
Hi  know  not  seems. 

It  ain't  alone  my   kinky  cloke,  good  mother, 
Nor  customary  suits  n[  solium  black, 
Nor  windy  perspiration  nor  forced  breath  ; 
But  Jli  'ave  that  within  whicli  passcth  show. 
These  'ere  the  trappings  hand  the  suits  o'  woe. 

"  Green  !"  interrupted  Jobson,  "  see  that  those  two  egg- 
boxes  for  tlie  throne  steps  are  painted  red  before  we  ro- 
liear.se  again." 

And  liaviug  seen  as  much  of  the  rcliearsal  as  I  wanted, 
I  bade  Job.son  "  Good  morning,"  and  left  the  theatre. 

Monday  evening  arrived  in  due  course,  and  the  Theatre 
Royal,  Slushington,  was  crowded.    Badger  was  much  ap- 


15G  badger's  debut  as  hamlet. 

plauded  on  his  appearance  ;  but  as  soon  as  be  found  bira- 
self  before  the  audience,  bis  voice  became  totally  inaudible. 
At  length  a  gentleman  in  the  gallerj^  shouted,  "  Speak  up, 
undertaker !"  which  had  the  effect  of  increasing  his  ner- 
vousness to  such  an  extent,  that  Hamlet's  part  in  the 
Ghost  scene  became  merely  a  piece  of  dumb  show  ;  during 
which  tbe  grumblings  of  the  "  gods,"  at  first  "  not  loud,  but 
deep,"  ripened  into  an  angry  roar,  and  culminated  in  a 
clamor  for  "  Hot  Codlings,"  or  "  Tipetywichit,"  intermin- 
gled with  cries  of  "  Go  home,"  and  "  Qravo,  Shakespeare." 
Badger,  however— who,  it  soon  became  evident,  had  had 
recourse  to  a  stimulant— plodded  on  somewhat  after  this 

fashion  :  ^   .  , 

Hamlet.     'Tis  now  the  very  witchin'  7^our  hoi  nignt, 

When  churchyards  yawn,  and  'ell  itself  breathes  out 
Contagion  to  this  world.     Now — now 

Prompter  (at  wing).     Now  could  I  drink  hot  blood. 
Hamlet.    Now  could  I  drink  'ot  blood, 
And  do  a  bit  o'  business  that  the  day 
Would  quake  to  look  on. 
Oh  'art,  lose  not  thy  nature,  let  not  /tever 
The  soul  o'  Nero  heuter  this  firm  bosom,  &c. 
lu  the  churchyard  scene.  Badger  made  a  great,  but  un- 
expected hit.    In  declaiming  the  famous  speech— 

"What  is  he  whose  grief  bears  such  an  hemphasis  ? 
■Whose  phase  of  sorrow 
•    Conjures  the  wondering  stars,  and  makes  them  stand 
Like  wonder-wounded  'carers.     This  Ins,  Hi ! 
'Aihlet,  the  Dane — 
He    kept  backing  step  by  step,  until— forgetting,  its  prox- 
imity—he missed  his  footing,  and  turned  a  back  somer- 
sault into  Ophelia's  grave,  burying  himself  so  effectually 
that  the  two  grave-diggers  had  to  extricate  him  from  his 
living  tomb,  amid  roars  of  laughter  from  the  audience.    In 
this  mishap  he  also  lost  his  black  wig,  and  played  the  re- 
mainder of  the  tragedy  in  his  own  red  hair. 

But  the  climax  was  reached  in  the  last  scene;  when, 


BADGER'S  DEBUT  AS   HAMLET.  157 

having  killed  Laertes,  Hamlet  wrests  the  poisoned  cup 
from  the  attendant's  hand.  In  flinging  it  away  it  hit  the 
dead  Laertes  on  the  nose;  whereupon,  that  gentleman— 
who  was  of  a  tiery  temperament— sprang  up,  and  striding 
to  Hamlet,  asked  "  Whether  he  did  that  on  purpose  ?  as, 
if  so,  he. felt  inclined  to  give  him  something  for  himself." 
Here  the  ofher  performers  interfered  ;  and  Laertes  having 
been  coaxed  to  die  again  peaceably,  the  tragedy  was  suf- 
fered to  proceed.  The  curtain  had  barely  fallen  on 
"  Hamlet,"  before  some  half  score  scene-shifters  and  car- 
penters, headed  by  Green,  came  running  onto  the  stage. 
After  a  short  pause.  Green — who  was  an'Irishman— pulled 
off  his  cap,  and  making  a  low  bow,  said  : 

"  Plaze  yer  honors,  axing  yer  honors'  pardon— I  should 
be  afther  saying,  Ladies  and  Gintlemen— the  manager — 
bad  'cess  to  him— has  been  and  gone  and  boulted  with 
the  resates,  and  he's  forgotten  to  pay  us  our  wages.  Sure 
an'  its  hard  loiues  for  me  mates  an'  me,  as  has  got  twelve 
small  childern— mostly  under  the  age  o'  four— to  pervide 
for,  to  be  done  out  of  our  airntngs  in  this  way  by  a  thal'e  as 
he  is.  Och !  bad  luck  to  ould  Jobson ;  as  I'd  be  afther 
wishin'  him  to  his  face  if  he  was  here  now.  And,  plaze  yer 
honors,  I'm  half  ashamed  to  ax  ye ;  but  one  o'  the  bhoys 
will  stand  by  the  door  with  the  cap,  and  if  so  be  as  ye'vo 
got  a  few  coppers  to  spare,  wo  shall  all  leel  very  grateful 
to  ye."  Hero  the  speaker  was  answered  by  a  smart  show- 
er of  small  coin  on  the  stage.  "Hooray!  for  yer  honors' 
ginerous  hearts.  Good  luck  to  ye,  and  may  yc  live  for 
iver,  and  die  at  a  grane  old  age.  Kape  up  the  supply, 
gintlemen,  and  don't  bo  afraid  as  we  shall  complain  o'  the 
throuble  o' pickin' 'em  up.  May  the  blissins  o'  the  missis 
and  the  young 'nns  1)0  upon  ye,  nnd  thank  yo  for  me;  and 
may  ye  niver  be  afther  knowin'  what  it  is  to  feel  the  wants 
of  a  |)enny." 

And  this  was  the  finish  of  Badger's  debut. 


]58  HOW  HEZEKIAH  STOLE   THE   SPOOXS. 

HOW  HEZEKIAH  STOLE  THE  SPOONS. 

ANONTMOCn. 

In  a  quiet  little  Ohio  village,  m  my  years  ago,  was  a 
tavern  where  the  stages  always  chuuged,  and  the  passen- 
gers expected  to  get  breakfast.  The  landlord  of  the  said 
hotel  was  noted  fur  his  tricks  upon  travelers,  who  were 
allowed  to  get  fairly  seated  at  the  table,  when  the  driver 
would  blow  his  horn  (after  taking  his  ''horn"),  and  sing 
out,  "Stage  ready,  gentlemen!" — whereupon  the  passen- 
gers were  obliged  to  hurry  out  to  take  their  seats,  leaving 
a  scarcely  tasted  breakfast  behind  them,  for  which,  how- 
ever, they  had  to  fork  over  fifty  cents !  One  day,  when  the 
stage  was  approaching  the  house  of  this  obliging  landlord, 
a  passenger  said  that  be  had  often  heard  of  the  landlord's 
trick,  and  he  was  afraid  they  would  not  be  able  to  eat  any 
breakfast. 

"  What ! — how  ?    No  breakfast !"  exclaimed  the  rest. 

"Exactly  so,  gents,  and  you  may  as  well  keep  your  seats 
and  tin." 

"  Don't  they  expect  passengers  to  breakfast  ?" 

"  Oh,  yes  !  they  expect  you  to  it,  but  not  to  eat  it.     I  am 
under  the  impression  that  there  is  an  understanding  be-^ 
tween  the  landlord  and  the  driver,  that  for  sundry  and 
various  drinks,  &c.,  the  latter  starts  before  you  can  scarcely 
commence  eating." 

"  What  on  airth  are  you  all  talking  about  ?  Ef  you  calke- 
'  late  I'm  going  to  pay  four-and  ninepence  for  my  breakfast, 
and  not  get  the  valee  on't,  you're  mistaken,"  said  a  voice 
from  a  back  seat,  the  owner  of  which  was  one  Hezekiah 
Spaulding — though  "  tew  hum"  they  call  him  "  Hez"  for 
short.  "  I'm  goin'  to  get  my  breakfast  here,  and  not  pay . 
nary  red  cent  till  I  do." 

"Then  you'll  be  left." 

"Not  as  you  knows  on,  I  guess  I  won't." 

"Well,  we'll  see,"  said  the  other,  as  the  stage  drove  up 


HOW  HEZEKIAH   STOLE   THE   SPOONS.  159 

to  the  door,  and  the  landlord,  ready  "  to  do'  the  hospita- 
ble," says — 

"Breakfast  just  ready,  gents!  Take  a  wash,  gents? 
Here's  water,  basins,  towels,  and  soap." 

After  performing  the  ablutions,  they  all  proceeded  to 
the  dining-room,  and  commenced  a  fierce  onslaught  upon 
the  edibles,  though  Hez  took  his  time.  Scarcely  had  they 
tasted  their  coffee,  when  they  heard  the  unwelcome  sound 
of  the  horn,  and  the  driver  exclaim — "Stage  ready!"  Up 
rise  eight  grumbling  passengers,  pay  their  fifty  cents,  and 
take  their  seats. 

"All  on  board,  gents?"  inquires  the  host. 

"  One  missing,"  said  they. 

Proceeding  to  the  dining-room,  the  host  finds  Hez  very 
coolly  helping  himself  to  an  immense  piece  of  steak,  the 
size  of  a  horse's  hip. 

"  You'll  be  left,  sir!    Stage  going  to  start !" 

"  Wall,  I  hain't  got  nothin'  agin  it,"  drawls  out  Hez. 

'  Can't  wait,  sir — better  take  your  seat." 

"  I'll  be  gall-darned  ef  I  dew,  notlier,  till  Pvo  got  my 
breakfast!  I  paid  for  it,  and  I  am  goin'  to  get  the  valco 
on't;  and  cf  you  calkelate  I  hain't,  you  are  mistaken." 

So  the  stage  did  start,  and  left  Hez,  wlio  continued  his 
att.ick  upon  the  edibles.  Biscuits,  coffee,  &;c.,  disappeared 
before  the  eyes  of  the  astonislicd  landlord. 

"  Say,  squire,  them  tliere  cakes  is  'bout  eat — fetch  on 
another  grist  on  'cm.  You  "  (to  the  waiter),  '"nother  cup 
of  that  ere  coffee.  Pass  them  eggs.  Raise  your  own  porli, 
squire?  This  is  'mazin'  nice  ham.  Land  'bout  here  toler- 
able cheap,  squire  ?  Hain't  much  niaple  timber  in  tlieso 
parts,  hev  ye?  Dew  right  smart  trade,  squire,  T  calke- 
late ?"  Arid  tluis  Hez  kept  ffuizzing  the  landlord  until  ho 
had  made  a  hearty  meal. 

"  Say,  sciiiire,  now  I'm  'bout  to  conc.hidc  j)aying  my  dc- 
vowcrs  tew  tliis  ere  table,  but  jest  give  us  a  bowl  of  bread 
and  milk  to  tdpoirwilh;  I'd  be  much  oblecged  tew  ye." 


160  paddy's  dream. 

So  out  go  tbe  landlord  and  waiter  for  tho  bowl,  milk,  and 
bread,  and  set  them  before  him. 

"  Spoon,  tew,  ef  you  please.'" 

But  no  spoon  could  be  found.  Landlord  was  sure  he  bad 
plenty  of  silver  ones  lying  on  tbe  table  when  the  stage 
stopped. 

"  Say,  dew  ye  ?  dew  ye  think  them  passengers  is  goin'  to 
pay  ye  for  a  breakfuss  and  not  git  no  compensashun  ?" 

"  Ah !  what?  Do  you  think  any  of  the  passengers  took 
them  ?" 

"Dew  I  thinliV^  No,  I  don't  think, but  I'm  sartin.  Ef 
they  are  all  as  green  as  yew  'bout  here,  I'm  going  to  locate 
immediately,  and  tew  wonst." 

The  landlord  rushes  out  to  the  stable,  and  starts  a  man 
off  after  the  stage,  which  had  gone  about  three  miles. 
The  man  overtakes  the  stage,  and  says  something  to  the 
driver,  in  a  low  tone.  He  immediately  turns  back,  and  on 
arriving  at  the  hotel,  Hez  comes  out,  takes  his  seat,  and 
says- 

" How  are  yew,  gents?    I'm  rotted  glad  to  see  yew." 

"  Can  you  point  out  the  man  you  think  has  the  spoons?" 
asked  the  landlord. 

"P'int  him  out?    Sartinly  I  ken.     Say,  squire,  I  paid 
yew  four-and-ninepence  for  a  breakfuss,  and  I  calkelate  I  > 
got  the  valee  on't !    You'll  find  them  spoons  in  the  coffee- 
pot." 

"  Go  ahead  !    All  aboard,  driver." 

The  landlord  stared. 


PADDY'S  DEEAM. 

ASONTMOCa. 


I  have  often  laughed  at  the  way  an  Irish  help  we  had  at 
Barnstaple  once  fished  me  for  a  glass  of  whiskey.  One 
morning  he  says  to- me — "  Oh,  yer  honor,"  says  he,  "  I  had 
a  great    drame  last  night   intirely — I  dramed  I  was  in 


paddy's  dream.  IGl 

Rome,  tho'  how  I  got  there  is  more  than  I  can  tell ;  but 
theie  I  was,  sure  enough  ;  and  as  in  duty  bound,  what  does 
I  dc  but  go  and  see  the  Pope.  Well,  it  was  a  long  journey, 
and  it  was  late  when  I  got  there— too  late  for  the  likes  of 
K!e ;  and  when  I  got  to  the  palace  I  saw  priests,  and 
bishops,  and  cardinals,  and  all  the  great  dignitaries  of  the 
Church  a  coming  out;  and  sais  one  of  them  to  me,  '  How 
are  ye,  Pat  Moloney?'  sais  he;  'and  that  spalpeen  yer 
father,  bad  luck  to  him,  how  is  he?'  It  startled  me  to 
bear  me  own  name  so  suddent,  that  it  came  mighty  nigh 
waking  me  up,  it  did.  Sais  I,  '  Tour  riverence,  how  in  tho 
world  did  ye  know  that  Pat  Moloney  was  me  name,  let 
alone  that  of  me  father  V — '  Why,  ye  blackguard,'  sais  he, 
'  I  knew  ye  since  ye  was  knee-high  to  a  goose,  and  I  knew 
yer  mother  afore  ye  was  born.' — 'It's  good  right  yer  honor 
has  then  to  know  me,'  sais  I. — 'Bad  manners  to  ye,'  sais 
l.e,  '  what  is  it  ye  are  afther  doing  here  at  this  time  o' 
liightf '— '  To  see  his  Holiness  tho  Pope,'  sais  I.— 'That's 
right,'  sais  ho ;  '  pass  on,  but  leave  yer  impudence  with 
yer  hat  and  shoes  at  tho  door.'  Well,  I  was  shown  into  a 
mighty  One  room  where  his  Holiness  was,  and  down  I  went 
on  mo  knees.  'Rise  up,  Pat  Moloney,'  sais  his  Holiness; 
*ye're  a  broth  of  a  boy  to  come  all  tho  way  from  Ireland  to 
do  yer  duty  to  me ;  and  it's  dutiful  children  yc  are,  every 
mother's  son  of  ye.  What  will  ye  have  to  drink,  Pat?' 
(Tlie  greater  a  man  is,  the  more  of  a  racl  gintlcman  ho  is, 
yer  honor,  and  tho  more  condescending.) — 'What  will  ye 
have  to  drink,  Pat  V  sais  he.—'  A  glass  of  whiskey,  yer 
Holiness,'  sais  I,  '  if  it's  all  tho  same  to  ye.'— 'Shall  it  be 
hot  or  cold  V  sais  he.— 'Hot,'  sais  I,  '  if  it's  all  tho  same, 
and  gives  ye  no  trouble.'—'  Hot  it  shall  be,'  sais  he  ;  '  but 
as  I  have  dismissed  all  me  servants  for  tiio  night, I'll  just  step 
down  below  for  the  tay-kettle;'— and  wid  that  he  left  the 
room,  and  was  gone  for  a  long  time ;  and  jist  as  he  came 
to  the  door  again  he  knocked  so  loud  tho  noise  woke  mo 
up,  and,  be  jabersi  I  missed  me  whiskey  entirely!    lie- 


102  VICTUALS  AND  DKINK. 

dad,  if  I  had  only  had  the  sense  to  say  '  Nate,  yer  Holi- 
ness,' I'd  a  had  me  whiskey  sure  enough,  and  never  Icnown 
it  warn't  all  true,  instead  of  a  drame."  I  knew  what  he 
wanted,  so  I  poured  him  out  a  glass.  "  Won't  it  do  as  well 
now,  Pat?"  said  I.  "Indeed  it  will,  yer  honor,"  says  he, 
"and  me  drame  will  come  true,  after  all.  I  thought  it 
would,  for  it  was  mighty  nateral  at  the  titne,  all  but  the 
whiskey." 


VICTUALS  AND  DRINK. 

MOTHER  GOOSE  FOR  OLD  FOLKS.  anostmous. 

'  There  once  was  a  woman,  and  what  do  you  think  ? 
She  lived  upon  nothing  but  victuals  and  drink; 
Yictuals  and  drink  were  the  chief  of  her  diet, 
And  yet  this  poor  woman  scarce  ever  was  quiet." 

And  were  yon  80  foolish  as  really  to  think 
That  all  she  could  want  was  her  victuals  and  drink  ? 
And  that  while  she  was  furnished  with  that  sort  of  diet, 
Her  feeling  and  fancy  would  starve  and  be  quiet  ? 

Mother  Goose  knew  far  better,  but  thought  it  sufficient, 
To  give  a  mere  hint  that  the  fare  was  deficient ; 
For  I  do  not  believe  she  could  ever  have  meant 
To  imply  there  was  reason  for  being  content. 

Yet  the  mass  of  mankind  is  uncommonly  slow 
To  acknowledge  the  fact  it  behooves  them  to  know; 
Or  to  learn  that  a  woman  is  not  like  a  mouse, 
Needing  nothing  but  cheese,  and  the  walls  of  a  house. 

But  just  take  a  man, — shut  him  up  for  a  day ; 
Get  his  hat  and  his  cane— put  them  snugly  away, 
Give  him  stockings  to  mend,  and  three  sumptuous  meals, 
And  then  ask  him  at  night— if  you  dare — how  he  feels ! 
Do  you  think  he  will  quietly  stick  to  the  stocking, 
"While  you  read  the  news,  and  don't  care  about  talking?" 


HOW  JAKE   SCKtrEIDER  TTENT  BLrND.  1G3 

Oh,  many  a  woraau  goes  starviug,  I  vrecn, 
"Who  lives  in  a  palace,  and  fares  like  a  queen  ; 
Till  the  famishing  heart  and  the  feverish  brain 
Have  spelled  out  to  life's  cud  the  long  lesson  of  pain. 

Yet  stay  !     To  my  mind  an  uneasy  suggestion 
Comes  up,  that  there  may  be  two  sides  to  the  question; 
That,  while  here  and  there  proving  inflicted  privation, 
The  verdict  must  often  be,  "  willful  starvation," 
Since  there  are  men  and  women  would  force  one  to  tbinl: 
They  choose  to  live  only  on  victuals  and  drink. 

0  restless  and  craving,  unsatisfied  hearts, 
"Whence  never  the  vulture  of  hunger  departs  . 
How  long  on  the  husks  of  your  life  will  ye  feed. 
Ignoring  the  soul  and  her  f\\mishing  need  ? 

Bethink  you,  when  lulled  in  your  shallow  content, 
'Twasto  Lazarus  only  the  angels  were  sent; 
And  'tis  he  to  whose  lips  but  earth's  ashes  are  given, 
Tor  whom  the  full  banquet  is  gathered  iu  heaven ! 


now  JAKE  SCnXEIDER  WENT  BLIND. 

ANONYMOtTB. 

In  Germantown,  near  Philadolpliia,  several  years  ago,  a 
native,  sirnple-niinrled  Diitcliman,  naniedJacob  Schneider, 
kept  a  liquor  and  lagcr-bicr  saloon.  Jacob  was  not  only 
•fond  of  drinking  lager  with  his  customers,  but  would  not 
refuse  either  corn-juice,  red-eye,  or  Jersey  lightning,  when 
asked  to  imbibe  thereof  in  a  social  way — the  customer,  of 
course,  paying  an  extra  half-dime  for  Jacol)'s  drink.  One 
would  not  8up])ose  tliat  this  friendly  hal)it  could,  by  any 
possibility,  bring  trouble  and  vexatif)n  upon  honest  Jacob, 
but  it  did,  as  we  shall  presently  show. 

One  eventful  night  it  was  observed  that  Schneider  had 
shut  up  his  saloon  and  gone  homo  fidl  an  hour  earlier  tiian 


1G4  HOW  JAKE   SCHNEIDER  WENT  BLIND. 

usual.     Being  asked,  nest  day,  what  was  the  matter,  he 
told  the  following  droll  story  : 

"  I  shut  up  ruine  blace  pecause  I  vas  mat  as  ter  tyfel, 
and  vas  humpugged  into  der  pargain.     I'll  tell  you  'pout  it. 
Ycr  see,  dree  or  four  young  shcamps  gomes  into  mine  sa- 
loon, and  one  says  to  me,  '  Yacob,  you  got  some  fresh 
lager  V  I  says  '  yaas,'  and  I  draws  der  lager ;  anoder  von 
says  he  vants  gards,  and  I  priugs  de  gards,  and  da  blays 
gards.    Pimeby  noder  says,  'Yacob,   old  poy,  let's  have 
some  ret-eye ;  and  mind  you,  Yacob,  priug  an  extra  glass 
for  yourself.'    Veil  deu,  I  prings  der  pottle  of  ret-eye,  and 
da  drinks  two  dree  dimes,  and  I  drinks  mit  'em  two  dree 
dimes;  and  I  gets  so  tam' trunk  dat  I  lies  down  on  der 
penck  and  goes  to  shleep.     Ven  I  vakes  up,  der  room  ish 
dark  as  der  tyfel,  put  I  hears  der  young  chaps  calling  der 
gards  ;  von  says,  '  bass  !'  nodder  says,  '  left  power  !— right 
power !'  den  nodder  von,  ho  says,  '  uker'd !'  and  shwcars 
like  a  drooper.    Da  vas  all  blaying  at  der  taple,  shust  as 
da  vas  ven  I  goes  to  shleep,  but  mine  eyes  vas  nix— I  could 
shust  see  uotting  at  all— the  room  vas  bitch  dark.     So  1 
dinks  I  vas  plind,  and  I  feel  pad,  and  I  cry  out,  '  0,  mine 
Gott !  I  p'lieve  I'm  shtruck  plind  !'— Den  der  young  chaps 
leaves  der  table  and  gomes  vhero  I  vas,  and  makes  p'leeve 
da  very  sorry.    One  says,  '  Poor  Yacob  !  you  no  can  see- 
vat  vill  der  poor  man's  vamerly  do  !'    Nodder  call  me  poor 
cuss,  and  says  I  no  pusiness  to  triuk  noding  stronger  dan 
lager.    I  got  mat  den— mat  as  dunder-^and  I  says  to  him, 
'Vy,  den,  you  vants  me  to  drink  it  mit  you?    I  p'leeve 
you  put  shtuflf  in  der  liquor  to  make  me  plind  !'    Den  he 
laughs  at  me,  and  says  I  needn't  trink  if  I  didn't  pe  a  mind 
to.    Shust  den  von  little  poy  gomes  to  der  door  mit  a 
lantern,  and  I  finds  out  der  drick  da  vas  blaying  me— I  see 
shust  as  goot  as  ever  !   Der  rascals  had  plow  out  der  lights, 
and  make  p'leeve  play  uker  to  vool  me  !    I  told 'em  'twas 
all  hum  pug,  and  they  petter  glear  out,  for  I  vouldn't  light 
up  no  more.     Dat's  vat  mine  shaloon  vas  shut  up  for." 


AURELIA'S   UXFOKTUXATE  TOUXO  ilAX.  105 


AURELTA'S  UNFORTUNATE  YOUNG  MAN. 

MAUK    TWAIN. 

The  facts  iu  the  following  case  came  to  me  by  letter 
from  a  young  lady  who  lives  in  the  beautiful  city  of  San 
Jose ;  she  is  perfectly  unknown  to  me,  and  simply  signs 
herself  "Aurelia  Maria,"  which  may  possibly  be  a  fictitious 
name.  But  no  matter,  she,  poor  girl,  is  almost  heart- 
broken by  the  misfortunes  she  has  undergone,  and  so  con- 
fused by  the  conflicting  counsels  of  misguided  friends  and 
insidious  enemies,  that  she  does  not  know  what  course  to 
pursue  in  order  to  extricate  herself  from  the  web  of  dif- 
ficulties iu  which  she  seems  almost  hopelessly  involved.  In 
this  dilemma  she  turns  to  me  for  help,  and  supplicates  for 
my  guidance  and  instruction  with  a  moving  ehKiuonce  that 
would  touch  the  heart  of  a  statue.     Hear  her  sad  story  : 

She  says  that  when  she  wjig  sixteen  years  old  she  met 
and  loved,  with  all  the  devotion  of  her  passionate  nature,  a 
young  man  from  New  Jersey,  named  Williamson  Breckin- 
ridge Caruthers,  who  was  some  six  years  her  senior.  They 
were  engaged,  with  the  free  consent  of  their  friends  and 
relatives,  and  for  a  time  it  seemed  as  if  their  career  was 
destined  to  be  characterized  by  an  iunnunity  from  sorrow 
beyond  the  usual  lot  of  humanity.  But  at  last  the  tide  of 
fortune  turned;  young  Caruthers  became  infected  with 
small-pox  of  the  most  virulent  type,  and  when  he  recovered 
,  from  his  illness,  his  face  was  pitted  like  a  waflic-mould,  and 
his  comeliness  gone  forever.  Aurelia  thought  to  break  olf 
the  engagf^nient  at  first,  but  i)ity  for  her  uiifnrtunate  lover 
caused  her  to  postpone  the  marriage-day  for  a  season, 
and  give  him  another  trial. 

The  very  day  before  the  wedding  was  to  have  taken 
place,  BrefO<iiH-i(lge,  while  absorlied  in  w:itcliing  the  lliglit 
of  a  balloon,  walked  into  a  well  and  fractured  one  of  his  legs, 
and  it  had  to  be  taken  oH"  above  the  knc(\  Again  Aurelia 
was  moved   to  break   the   engagement,  but   again   lovo 


16G  AURELIA'S  rKT-ORTUXATE  TOUXG  MAN. 

triumphed,  and  sbe  set  the  day  forward  and  gave  him 
another  chance  to  reform. 

And  again  misfortune  overtook  the  unhappy  youth.  He 
lost  one  arm  by  the  premature  discharge  of  a  Fourth-of- 
July  cannon,  and  within  three  months  he  got  the  other 
pulled  out  by  a  carding  machine.  Aurelia's  heart  was  al- 
most crushed  by  these  latter  calamities.  She  could  not  but 
be  deeply  grieved  to  see  her  lover  passing  from  her  by 
piecemeal,  feeling,  as  she  did,  that  he  could  not  last  forever 
under  this  disastrous  process  of  reduction,  yet  knowing 
of  no  way  to  stop  its  dreadful  career ;  and  in  her  tearful 
despair  she  almost  regretted,  like  brokers  who  hold  on 
and  lose,  that  she  had  not  taken  him  at  first,  before  he 
had  suffered  such  alarming  depreciation.  Still  her  brave 
soul  bore  her  up,  and  she  resolved  to  bear  with  her  friend's 
unnatural  disposition  yet  a  little  longer. 

Again  the  wedding-day  approached,  and  again  disap- 
pointment overshadowed  it ;  Caruthers  fell  ill  with  the  ery- 
sipelas, and  lost  the  use  of  one  of  his  eyes  entirely.  The 
friends  and  relatives  of  the  bride,  considering  that  she  had 
already  put  up  with  more  than  could  be  reasonably  ex- 
pected of  her,  now  came  forward  and  insisted  that  the 
match  should  be  broken  off;  but  after  wavering  awhile, 
Aurelia,  with  a  generous  spirit  that  did  her  credit,  said  she 
had  reflected  calmly  on  the  matter,  and  could  not  discover 
that  Breckinridge  was  to  blame. 

So  she  extended  the  time  once  more,  and  he  broke  his 
other  leg. 

It  was  a  sad  day  for  the  poor  girl  when  she  saw  the  sur- 
geons reverently  bearing  away  the  sack  whose  uses  she 
had  learnt  by  previous  experience,  and  her  heart  told  her 
the  bitter  truth  that  some  more  of  her  lover  was  gone. 
She  felt  that  the  field  of  her  affections  was  growing  more 
and  more  circumscribed  every  day,  but  once  more  she 
frowned  down  her  relatives  and  renewed  her  betrothal. 

Shortly  before  the  time  set  for  the  nuptials  another  dis- 


AUEELIA'S  UNFORTUKATE  young  MA2f.  1G7 

aster  occurred.  There  was  but  one  man  scalped  by  the 
Oweus  River  Indiaus  last  year.  That  man  was  Williamson 
Breckinridge  Caruthers,  of  New  Jersey.  He  was  hurrying 
home  with  happiness  in  his  heart,  when  he  lost  his  hair  for- 
ever, and  in  that  houi*  of  bitterness  he  almost  cursed  the  mis- 
taken mercy  that  had  spared  his  head. 

At  last  Aurelia  is  in  serious  perplexity  as  to  what  she 
ought  to  do.  She  still  loves  her  Breckinridge,  she  writes, 
with  true  womanly  feeling — she  still  loves  what  is  left  of 
bun,  but  her  parents  are  bitterly  opposed  to  the  match, 
because  he  has  no  property  and  is  disabled  from  working, 
and  she  has  not  suflicieut  means  to  support  both  comfort- 
ably. "Now  what  should  she  do?"  she  asks  with  painful 
and  anxious  solicitude. 

It  is  a  delicate  question;  it  is  one  which  involves  the 
lifelong  happiness  of  a  woman,  and  that  of  nearly  two- 
thirds  of  a  man,  and  I  feel  that  it  would  be  assuming  too 
great  a  responsibility  to  do  more  than  make  a  mere  sug- 
gestion in  the  case.  How  would  it  do  to  build  to  him  ? 
If  Aurelia  can  afford  the  expense,  let  her  furnish  her  mu- 
tilated lover  with  wooden  arms  and  wooden  legs,  and  a 
glass  eye  and  a  wig,  and  give  him  another  show  ;  give  him 
ninety  days,  without  grace,  and  if  ho  does  not  break  his 
neck  in  the  meantime,  marry  hira  and  take  the  chances. 
It  does  not  seem  to  me  that  there  is  much  risk,  any  way, 
Aurelia,  because  if  ho  sticks  to  his  infernal  propensity  for 
damaging  himself  every  time  he  sees  a  good  opi)ortunity. 
Ills  next  experiment  is  bound  to  finish  him,  and  then  you 
are  all  right,  you  know,  married  or  single.  If  married,  the 
wooden  legs  and  such  other  valuables  as  ho  may  possess 
revert  to  the  widow,  and  you  see  you  sustain  no  actual  loss 
save  the  cherished  fragment  of  a  noble  but  unfortiinato 
husband,  wiio  honestly  strove  to  do  right,  but  whose  ex- 
traordinary instincts  were  against  him.  Try  it,  Maria! 
I  have  thought  the  matter  over  carefully  and  well,  and  it 
Ib  the  only  chance  I  see  for  you.    It  would  have  been  a 


168  MRS.   BROWN  ON  MODERN  HOUSES. 

happy  conceit  on  tbo  part  of  Carutbers  if  tie  had  sta^ted^ 
■with  his  necli  and  broken  that  first ;  but  since  he  has  seen 
fit  to  choose  a  different  policy,  and  string  himself  out  as 
long  as  possible,  I  do  not  think  we  ought  to  upbraid  him 
for  it  if  he  has  enjoyed  it.  We  must  do  the  best  we  can 
under  the  circumstances,  and  try  not  to  feel  exasperated 
at  him. 


MRS.  BROWN  ON  MODERN  HOUSES. 

ABTHL'B    SKKTCHLET. 

Houses,  indeed !  I  calls  'em  reg'Iar  ram-shackle  nut- 
shells, run-up  rubbish,  where  you  can't  drive  a  nail  with 
safety,  nor  hang  up  a  picter  with  comfort. 

Certainly  they  was  elegant  outside,  with  their  white 
fronts  and  'andsome  windows  to  look  at;  but  I  never  see 
such  glass  to  look  through,  as  made  things  seem  that 
drawed  out  as  you  didn't  know  the  postman  from  the  pot- 
boy. 

As  to  anythin'  a-flttin',  there  wasn't  a  window-frame  as 
didn't  shake  like  earthquakes  with  me  only  a-walkin'  across 
the  room  ;  and  as  to  the  Butlers,  as  lives  next  door  but 
three,  they  give  a  evenin'  party  as  brought  the  floor  in. 

They  invited  me  and  Brown,  as  didn't  wish  for  to  go, 
bein'  one  as  don't  hold  with  no  goin's  out  through  a-takin 
of  his  pipe  quiet  in  the  front  kitchen,  as  is  a  pretty  room, 
bein'  meant  for  a  sittin'-room ;  not  as  ever  I  fancied  it, 
bavin'  a  mouldy  smell,  and  bein'  frequent  overflowed  in 
the  spring  tides. 

Why  ever  they  calls  'em  spring  I  can't  think,  for  we  was 
very  near  floated  out  twice  the  week  afore  last,  and  No- 
vember no  one  can't  call  spring. 

I'm  sure  the  shock  as  that  Mrs.  Giddins  give  me  I  never 
shall  forget,  as  is  a  wrong-beaded  woman  as  ever  I  had  in 
my  house,  though  I  will  say  clean  and  honest. 

It  was  the  day  after  that  gal  left  us  I'd  give  warnin'  to, 


MRS.   BPvOTVN  OX  MODEliX  HOUSES.  1G9 

through  her  a-sayiu'  as  she'd  rather  starve  than  eat  cold 
miittou,  as  was  good  enough  for  me. 

So  I  had  Mrs.  Giddins  in  for  half-a-day  to  tidy  up  the 
place  ready  for  the  young  woman  as  was  a-comin'  that 
evenin'.  When  I  come  down  after  puttin'  on  my  cap  for 
tea,  I  says  to  her:  "Mrs.  Giddins,  I  want  you  to  go  up 
into  the  lumber  room,"  as  is  over  my  bed-room,  a  sort  o' 
a  cupboard  in  the  slant  of  the  roof,  as  I'd  put  away  some 
boxes  in,  "  and  pull  me  out  a  black  portmanty,  as  I  wanted 
to  get  sonrethin'  out  on."    Up  she  goes,  all  of  a  bustle. 

I  says,  "Tread  light,"  through  a-knowin'  as  there  wasn't 
no  floor  but  lath  and  plasters  to  that  cupboard.  "All 
right,"  says  she. 

So  I  hearin'  her  a  rumraagin'  and  a  pullin'  the  things 
about,  calls  out,  "  Can't  you  find  itf  She  says,  "If  you'd 
come  and  hold  the  candle  I  could  get  it  out,"  as  was  jammed 
and  crammed  tight  in  the  corner. 

Up  I  goes  and  takes  the  candle,  and  there  we  was  a- 
Ktandin'  in  that  cupboard  as  is  nothin'  but  beams.  I  was 
standin'  on  a  beam,  and  LIrs.  Giddins  in  front  on  me, 
a-haulin'  at  that  portmanty  like  mad.  Well,  she  gives  it  a 
pull  with  all  her  force,  as  made  it  come  out  all  of  a  sudden 
like. 

The  jerk  as  she  give  it  throwed  her  back  agin  me,  as 
tipped  mo  oft'  the  beam  onto  the  lath  and  plaster,  and 
through  I  goes  with  that  crash  as  made  nio  think  the 
house  was  all  about  our  ears. 

I  struggles  natural,  as  any  one  would,  and,  ketchln' 
hold  of  Mrs.  Giddins,  pulls  her  through  too. 

Well,  there  we  was  throuf^h  tlio  ceilin',  with  our  legs 
a-danglin'  in  my  l)od-room,  and  that  c'aiit,'lit  as  we  couldn't 
get  up,  Mrs.  Giddins  a-scnnimin'  like  wild  as  she  wiis 
nuirdered,  with  tlio  candle  knocked  out,  and  wo  might 
have  been  there  till  now,  only  as  luck  would  have  it, 
IJrown  came  in  earlier  than  I  expected.  lUit,  law  bless 
you,  he  could  do  nothin'  for  over  so  long  for  laughin',  and 


l/'O  FARM-YARD  SOIJ^G. 

when  he  did  draw  us  up,  if  he  didn't  say  Mrs.  Giddins  were 
an  old  fool,  and  me  another,  for  not  knowin'  better  than  to 
tread  ou  lath  and  i^laster,  as  is  a  downright  disgrace  for 
tiooriu'. 


FARM-YAED  SONQ. 

J.  T.  TBOWBEIDOE. 

Over  the  hill  the  farm-hoy  goes. 
His  shadow  lengthens  along  the  laud, 
A  giant  staff  in  a  giant  hand ; 
In  the  poplar  tree,  ahove  the  spring, 
The  katydid  begins  to  sing : 

The  early  dews  are  falling. 
Into  the  stone-heap  darts  the  mink ; 
The  swallows  skim  the  river's  brink ; 
And  home  to  the  woodland  fly  the  crows, 
When  over  the  hill  the  faim-boy  goes. 

Cheerily  calling — 
"  Co',  boss  !  co',  boss  !  co' !  co' !  co'  I" 
Farther,  farther  over  the  hill, 
Faintly  calling,  calling  still^ 
"Co',  boss  !  co',  boss!  co' !  co' !" 

Into  the  yard  the  farmer  goes, 
"With  grateful  heart,  at  the  close  of  day : 
Harness  and  chain  are  hung  away ; 
In  the  wagon-shed  stand  yoke  and  plow; 
The  straw's  in  the  stack,  the  hay  in  the  mew, 

The  cooling  dews  are  falling. 
The  friendly  sheep  his  welcome  bleat. 
The  pigs  come  grunting  to  his  feet, 
And  the  whinnying  mare  her  master  knows,         . 
"When  into  the  yard  the  fanner  goes, 
His  cattle  calling — 

"  Co',  boss  !  co',  boss  !  co' !  co' !  co' !" 
While  still  the  cow-boy,  far  awa_v, 
Goes  seeking  those  that  have  gone  astray — 

"  Co',  boss  !  co',  boss  !  co' !  co  I" 


MUKPnT'S  irrSTERT  OF  THE  PORK-BAREEL.         171 

Xow  to  her  task  the  milkmaid  goes, 
The  cattle  come  crowding  through  the  gate, 
Lowiug,  pushing,  little  and  great ; 
About  the  trough,  by  the  farm-yard  pump, 
The  frolicksome  yearlings  frisk  and  jump, 

TThile  the  pleasaut  dews  are  falling; 
The  new  milch  heifer  is  quick  and  shy. 
But  the  old  cow  waits  with  tranquil  eye ; 
And  the  white  stream  into  the  bright  pail  flows, 
"When  to  her  task  the  milkmaid  goes, 

Soothingly  calling, — 
"  So,  boss !  so,  boss  !  so  !  so  !  so  !" 
The  cheerful  milkmaid  takes  her  stool, 
And  sits  and  milks  in  the  twilight  cool, 

Saying,  "  So,  so,  boss  !  so  !  so  !" 

To  supper  at  last  the  fai-mer  goes, 
The  apples  are  pared,  the  paper  read, 
The  stories  are  told,  theh  all  to  bed. 
"Without,  the  crickets'  ceaseless  song 
Makes  shrill  the  silence  all  night  long; 

The  heavy  dews  are  falling. 
The  housewife's  hand  has  turned  the  lock. 
Drowsily  ticks  the  kitchen  clock  ; 
The  household  sinks  to  deep  repose. 
But  still  in  sleep  the  farm-boy  goes, 

Singing,  calling — 
"  Co',  boss  !"  co',  boss  !  co' !  co'  !  co' !" 
And  oft  the  milkmaid,  in  her  dreams. 
Drums  in  the  pail  with  the  flashing  streams, 

Murmuring,  "  So,  boss  !  so  !" 


irURPTTY'S  MYSTERY  OF  THE  PORK-BARREL. 

INONTMOIO. 

"  .Miiri)hy,  what'.s  tho  moauing  of  mystery  ?  Faith,  I 
was  roading  tbc  paper,  and  it  said  'twas  a  mystery  how  it 
was  done." 

"  Well,"  said  Murphy,  "  Pat,  Pll  tachc  yc.    Yo  see,  when 


172  THE   PRAYER-SEEKEK. 

I  lived  with  my  father,  a  little  gossoon,  they  gave  tuo  a 
pai-thy,  and  me  mother  wint  to  market  to  buy  somethin' 
for  the  parthy  to  ate,  and  among  the  lot  of  things  she  hot 
a  half-barrel  of  pork,  ye  see.  Well,  she  put  it  down  in  the 
cellar,  bless  her  sowl,  for  safe  keeping,  till  the  parthy 
come  on,  do  ye  see.  Well,  when  the  parthy  come  on, 
me  mother  sint  me  down  to  the  cellar  to  get  some  of  the 
pork,  do  ye  see  ;  well,  I  wint  down  to  the  barrel  and  opened 
it,  and  fished  about,  but  not  a  bit  of  pork  could  I  find ;  so 
I  looked  around  the  barrel  to  see  where  the  pork  was,  and 
found  a  rat-hole  in  the  bottom  of  the  barrel,  where  the 
pork  had  all  runout  and  left  the  brine  standing,  do  ye  see." 

"  Hould  on,  Murphy !  wait  a  bit ;  now  tell  me  how  could 
all  the  pork  get  out  ov  the  barrel,  and  lave  the  brine 
standing?" 

"  Well,  Pat,"  said  Murphy,  "  that's  what  I'd  like  to 
know  myself,  do  you  see  ;  there's  the  mystery." 


THE  PRAYER-SEEKER. 

JOHN  O.   WHITTIEB. 

Along  the  aisle  where  prayer  was  roade, 
A  woman,  all  in  black  arrayed,  -^ 

Close  veiled,  between  the  kneeling  host, 
"With  gliding  motion  of  a  ghost, 
Passed  to  the  desk  aud  laid  thereon 
A  scroll  which  bore  these  words  aloue 
Pray  for  me ! 

Back  from  the  place  of  worshiping 
She  glided  like  a  guilty  thing ; 
The  rustle  of  her  di'aperies,  stiiTed  • 

By  hurrying  feet,  alone  was  heard  ; 
"While,  full  of  awe,  the  preacher  read, 
As  out  into  the  dark  she  sped — 
"  Pray  for  me  !" 

Back  to  the  night  from  whence  she  came, 
To  unimagined  grief  or  shame  ! 


THE  PRATER-SEEKER.  173 

Across  the  threshold  of  that  door 
None  knew  the  burdeu  that  ffhe  bore ; 
Ah)ue  she  left  the  written  scroll, 
The  legend  uf  a  troubled  soul- 
Pray  for  lue ! 

Glide  on,  poor  ghost  of  woe  or  sin ! 
Thou  leav'st  a  common  need  within ; 
Each  bears,  like  thee,  some  nameless  weight, 
Some  misery  inarticulate, 
Some  secret  sin,  some  shrouded  dread, 
Some  household  sorrow  all  unsaid — 
Pray  for  us ! 

Pass  on  !    The  typo  of  all  thou  art, 
Sad  witness  to  the  common  heart ! 
"With  fiice  in  veil,  and  seal  on  lip. 
In  mute  and  strange  companionship. 
Like  theo  we  wander  to  and  fro. 
Dumbly  imploring  as  we  go  — 
Pray  for  us ! 

Ah,  who  shall  pray?  since  he  who  pleads 
Our  want  perchance  hath  greater  needs  ! 
Yet  they  who  make  their  loss  the  gain 
Of  others,  shall  not  ask  in  vain. 
And  lleavcn  bends  low  to  hear  the  prayer 
Of  love  from  lips  of  self-despair — 
Praj'  for  us ! 

In  vain  remorse  and  fear  and  hate 
Beat  with  bruisoi   hands  against  a  fate 
Whose  walls  of  iron  (miy  move 
^nd  open  to  the  touch  of  love; 
lie  only  feels  his  burdens  fall, 
"Who,  taught  l)y  suffering,  pities  all- 
Pray  for  us ! 

He  prayeth  best  who  hiaves  nngnossod 
The  myHteries  of  another's  bniast — 


174  AK  EXTEAOEDINAPwT  PHENOMENON. 

"WTi}^  cheeks  grow  pale,  -why  eyes  o'erflow, 
Or  heads  are  v^hite,  thou  need'st  not  know. 
Enough  to  note  by  many  a  sign 
That  every  heart  hath  needs  like  thine — 
Pray  for  us ! 


AN  EXTRAORDINARY  PHENOMENON. 

ANONTMOUS. 

It  was  on  a  moonlight  night  that  Pennypacker,  while 
walking  by  the  riverside  at  Norristown,  came  across  Jones 
standing  on  the  bank,  in  a  condition  of  intoxication,  gazing 
stupidly  into  the  water.  When  Jones  saw  Pennypacker  he 
said  to  him : 

"  Mizzer  Bennyback'r, 'm  very  glad  you'v^e  come.  I've 
been  stan'in'  here  c'nsiderin'  a  moz  extraordinary  ph'nom'- 
non." 

"  What  is  it,  Jones  ?" 

''  Moz  extr'ordinary  ph'nom'nou  th't  ever  came  under  my 
obzervation,  Mr.  Benny  backer — the  moz  extr'ordinary." 

"  What  is  the  nature  of  the  phenomenon,  Mr.  Jones  ?" 

''  I  zay,  Mizzer  Bennybacker,  id'nez  very  way  extr'ordi- 
nary.    D'you  obzerve  that  f " 

Then  Jones  gazed  and  pointed  into  the  water,  putting 
his  head  on  one  side  and  then  on  the  other.  Then  he 
would  draw  back,  as  if  to  get  the  phenomenon  in  a  new 
light,  and  finally  he  doubled  up  both  fists  and  attempted 
to  look  through  them,  and  all  the  time  he  kept  mutter- 
ing to  himself : 

''Very  'stonishing  zircumstance  altogether.  Moz  re- 
mark'ble  freak  ov  nature  idz  ever  bin  my  lod  t'p'zerve. 
Can't  cound  for  id  upon  any  theory  whadever." 

"Well,  Mr.  Jones,  what  is  it  that  surprises  you  ?" 

"  Mizzer  Bennybacker,  cas'  y'r  eye  down  there.  D'  you 
'pzerve  anythin'  of  a  'strordinary  nature  V 


THE  CASE  OF  TOmTG  BAIfGS.  175 

"No,.  Jones,  nothing ;  there  is  nothing  unusual  there 
that  I  can  see." 

"Thadz  moz  cstr'ordinary  zirguuistanz  ov  all.  Don' 
you  perzeive  the  moon  down  there,  Mizzer  Bennybacker  ?" 
said  Jones,  pointing  to  the  water. 

"  Certainly  I  do." 

"  Well,  Mizzer  Bennybacker,  dozzen  it  strige  you  as 
moz  incompre'ns'ble  ph'nom'non,  now  '?" 

"  Of  course  not." 

"Well,  Mizzer  Bennybacker,  you  may  be  drunk  ur  you 
may  be  zober,  but  in  all  my  'xperienze  I  never  before 
found  m'zelf  vorty  thousan'  miles  'bove  the  moon.  Id's  an 
incompre'nsible  zirgumstanz,  Mizzer  Bennybacker,  how 
you  an'  I  sh'd  uv  god  up  here  an'  the  moon  down  there 
without  our  being  'ware  uf  the  fagd,  when  I'm  perfectly 
certain  I'm  not  stan'nin  on  my  head." 

Then  Pennypacker  led  Jones  calmly  homo  and  put  him 
to  bed,  and  he  slept  off  his  surprise  at  the  extraordinary 
phenomenon. 


"X 


THE  CASE  OF  YOUNG  BANGS. 

MAX  ADF.LRR. 

When  Mr.  Bangs,  the  elder,  returned  from  Europe,  ho 
brought  with  him  from  Geneva,  a  mini.ature  musical-box, 
long  and  very  narrow,  and  altogether  of  hardly  greater 
dimen.sions,  say,  tlian  a  large  pocket-knife;.  The  instru- 
ment played  four  cheerful  little  tunes,  for  the  benefit  of 
the  Bang.s  family,  and  they  enjoyed  it  very  much.  Young 
William  Bangs  enjoyed  it  to  such  an  extent  that  one  day, 
just  after  the  machine  had  been  wound  up  ready  for  action, 
he  got  to  Bucking  the  end  of  it,  and  in  a  moment  of  inad- 
vertence it  slipped,  and  ho  swallowed  the  whole  concern. 
The  only  inimcflijito  con.scriuence  of  the  action  was  that  a 
harmonic  stomach-ache  was  at  once  organized  upon  the 
interior  of  William  Bangs,  and  he  experienced  a  restless- 


17G  THE   CASE   OF  TOUNG  BANGS. 

ness  which  he  well  knew  would  defy  the  soothing  tenden- 
cies of  peppermint,  and  make  a  mockery  of  paregoric. 

And  William  Bangs  kept  his  secret  in  his  own  soul  and 
in  his  stomach,  also  determined  to  hide  his  misery  from 
his  father,  and  to  spare  the  rod  to  the  spoiled  child — 
spoiled,  at  any  rate,  as  far  as  his  digestive  apparatus  was 
concerned. 

But  that  evening,  at  the  supper  table,  W.  Bangs  had 
eaten  but  one  mouthful  of  bread,  when  strains  of  wild,  mys- 
terious music  were  suddenly  wafted  from  under  the  table. 
The  entire  family  immediately  groped  around  upon  the 
floor,  trying  to  discover  whence  the  sounds  came,  although 
William  Bangs  sat  there  filled  with  agony  and  remorse  and 
bread  and  tunes,  and  desperately  asserted  his  belief  that 
the  music  came  from  Mary  Ann,  who  might  perhaps  be 
playing  upon  the  harp  or  the  dulcimer  in  the  cellar.  He 
well  knew  that  Mary  Ann  was  unfamiliar  with  the  harp, 
and  that  to  her  the  dulcimer  was  as  much  an  insolvable 
problem  as  it  would  have  been  to  a  fishing-worm.  But 
he  was  frantic  with  anxiety  to  hide  his  guilt.  Thus  it  is 
that  one  crime  leads  to  another. 

But  he  could  not  disguise  the  truth  forever,  and  that 
very  night,  while  the  family  was  at  prayers,  Willianj  Bangs 
all  at  once  got  the  hiccups,  and  the  music-box  started  off 
without  warning,  with  "  A  Life  on  the  Ocean  Wave,  and  a 
Home  on  the  Rolling  Deep,"  with  variations.  Whereupon 
the  paternal  Bangs  arose  from  his  knees  and  grasped 
William  kindly  but  firmly  by  his  hair  and  shook  him  up, 
and  inquired  what  he  meant  by  such  conduct.  And  Wil- 
liam threw  out  a  kind  of  a  general  idea  to  the  eflfect  that 
he  was  practicing  something  for  a  Sunday-school  celebra- 
tion, which  old  Bangs  intimated  was  a  singularly  thin 
explanation. 

Then  they  tried  to  get  up  that  music-box,  and  every 
time  they  would  seize  young  William  by  the  legs  and  shake 
him  over  the  sofa-cushion,  or  would  pour  some  fresh  vari- 


THE   CASE   OF  YOU^'G  BANGS.  177 

ety  of  emetic  down  bis  throat,  the  bavmouium  within 
would  give  some  fresh  spurt,  aud  joyously  griud  out  "  Lis- 
ten to  the  Mocking  Bird,"  or  "Thou'lt  Never  Cease  to 
Love." 

So  they  abandoned  the  attempt,  and  were  compelled  to 
permit  that  musical-box  to  remain  within  the  sepulchral 
recesses  of  the  epigastrium  of  William  Bangs.  To  say  that 
the  unfurtunate  victim  of  the  disaster  was  made  miserable 
by  his  condition,  would  be  to  express  in  the  feeblest  man- 
ner the  state  of  his  mind.  The  more  music  there  was  in 
his  stomach,  the  wilder  and  more  chaotic  became  the  dis- 
cord in  his  soul.  Just  as  likely  as  not  it  would  occur  that 
wliile  he  lay  asleep  in  bed  in  the  middle  of  the  night,  the 
melody-works  within  would  begin  to  revolve,  and  would 
play  "  Home,  Sweet  Home,"  for  two  or  three  hours,  unless 
the  peg  happened  to  slip,  when  the  cylinder  would  switch 
back  again  to  "-A  Life  on  the  Ocean  Wave,  and  a  Home  on 
the  Rolling  Deep,"  aud  would  rattle  out  that  tune  with  va- 
riations and  fragments  of  the  scales,  until  William  Bangs' 
brother  would  kick  him  out  of  bed  in  wild  despair,  and  sit 
on  him  in  a  wild  eflbrt  to  subdue  the  serenade,  wiiich, 
liowever,  invariably  proceeded  with  fresh  vigor  when  sub- 
jected to  unusual  pressure. 

And  when  William  Bangs  went  to  church  it  frequently 
occurred  that,  in  the  very  midst  of  the  most  solemn  portion 
of  the  sermon,  he  would  feel  a  gentle  disturbance  under  the 
lowest  button  of  his  jacket,  and  presently,  when  everything 
was  hushed,  the  undigested  engine  would  give  a  prelimi- 
nary buzz,  and  then  reel  off  "  Listen  to  the  Mocking  Bird," 
and  "  Thou'lt  Never  Cease  to  Love,"  and  scales  and  exor- 
cises, until  the  clergyman  wf)uld  stop  and  glare  at  William 
over  his  spectacles,  and  whisper  to  one  of  the  deacons. 

Then  the  sexton  would  suddenly  tack  u])  the  aisle  and 
clutch  the  uuliajjpy  Mr.  IJangs  by  the  collar,  and  scud 
down  the  aisle  again  to  the  accompaniment  of  "  A  Life  on 
the  Ocean  W^avc,  and  a  Homo  on  the  Rolling  Deep." 


178  A   MULE   EIDE   IX  FLORIDA. 

But  the  end  came  at  last,  and  the  miserable  offspring  of 
the  senior  Bangs  found  peace.  One  day,  while  he  was  sit- 
ting in  school,  endeavoring  to  learn  his  multiplication  table 
to  the  tune  of  "  Home,  Sweet  Home,"  his  gastric  juice  tri- 
umi:)hed.  Something  or  other  in  the  music-box  gave  way 
all  at  once,  the  springs  were  unrolled  with  alarming  force, 
and  William  Bangs,  as  he  felt  the  fragments  of  the  instru- 
ment hurled  right  through  and  among  his  vitals,  tumbled 
over  on  the  floor  and  expired. 

At  the  x)ost-monem  examination  they  found  several 
pieces  of  "  Home,  Sweet  Home  "  in  his  liver,  while  one  of 
his  lungs  was  severely  torn  by  a  fragment  of  "  A  Life  on 
the  Ocean  Wave." 

Small  pieces  of  "  Listen  to  the  Mocking  Bird"  were  re- 
moved from  his  heart  and  breast-bone,  and  three  brass 
pegs  of  "  Thou'lt  Never  Cease  to  Love  "  were  found  firmly 
driven  into  his  fifth  rib. 

They  had  no  music  at  the  funeral.  They  lifted  the  ma- 
chinery out  of  him,  and  buried  him  quietly  in  the  cemetery. 
Whenever  the  Bangses  buy  musical  boxes  now,  they  get 
them  as  large  as  a  piano,  and  chain  them  to  the  wall. 


A  MULE  RIDE  IN  FLORIDA. 

ANONTMOlfS. 

The  boys  insisted  that  I  needed  relaxation.  My  health 
required  it.  I  had  a  pretty  fair  article  of  health,  I  thought, 
enough  to  last  me  as  long  as  I  lived.  But  I  must  accumu- 
late a  stock  for  future  use.  The  south  was  the  place  to  get 
it.  And  riding  was  healthy.  The  sand  is  too  deep  to  ride, 
except  on  horseback,  and  so  I  thought  I  would  take  a  ride. 
I  applied  to  the  livery  man  for  a  horse.  He  had  one.  He 
looked  sorrowfully  at  me,  as  though  he  pitied  me.  Did  I 
ever  ride  a  mule  ?  I  never  had.  He  had  as  good  riding 
horses  as  were  ever  saddled,  but  if  I  wanted  a  "  Rock  Me  to 


A  MULE  EIDE  ZN'  FLOKIDA.  179 

Sleep,  Mother"  style  of  a  ride,  I  would  take  a  mule.  I 
don't  consider  myself  a  first-class  judge  of  mules.  I  had 
some  vague  notions  in  regard  to  them  ;  supposed  they 
would  do  a  large  amount  of  work  with  a  very  little  feed, 
and  were  immortal.  I  had  read  of  one  being  driven  over 
the  same  route  by  the  same  hoy,  for  eighty-seven  years,  and 
he  was  a  young  mule  yet. 

Bring  forth. the  mule.  The  mule  was  brought.  He  was 
a  meek  looking  cuss — a  perfect  "  Uriah  Heep"  of  a  mule, 
so  far  as  "umbleuess''  was  concerned.  At  least  that  was 
the  view  I  took  of  him.  He  was  saddled,  and  I  mounted. 
For  a  mile  or  two  he  paced  beautifully.  I'  thought  those 
f)ld  monks  I  had  read  about  knew  what  they  were  doing 
when  they  traveled  on  mules.  I  had  a  high  respect  for 
their  judgment.  Just  then  my  mule  began  to  show  symp- 
toms— symptoms  of  what  I  did  not  know.  I  found  out. 
Dropping  his  head  between  his  legs,  his  heels  described  a 
parabolic  curve,  or  some  other  infernal  curve,  in  the  air, 
and  I  got  oft" and  sat  on  the  ground.  I  got  off  over  his  head, 
and  I  did  it  quick.  I'm  not  so  old,  but  I  can  get  off  an 
animal  of  that  kind  as  quick  as  a  boy.  Then  I  looked  at 
tlie  mule,  to  see  if  he  was  hurt.  He  didn't  appear  to  bo. 
Then  I  inquired  around,  to  see  how  I  was.  I  reported  an 
abrasion  on  the  left  iiii),  and  a  contusion  on  the  lower  end 
of  my  back.  Then  I  thought  I  would  pronounce  a  left- 
handed  blessing  on  that  mule,  and  on  bis  forefathers  and 
foremothers  before  him,  and  his  children  after  him.  But  I 
didn't.  I  wondered  if  lie  would  stand  fire.  If  I  had  had 
a  pistol,  I  would  have  put  the  muzzle  to  his  car,  and  tried 
him.  Not  that  I  was  hostile  toward  him,  but  I  was  afraid 
somebody  might  take  a  ride  on  him  some  day  and  get 
hurt.  But  I  had  no  pistol,  so  that  benevolent  and  sangui- 
nary idea  was  frustnited.  Then  I  got  up  and  shook  tho 
dust  off  my  feet,  and  brushed  the  sand  ofi'  my  trowsers, 
as  a  testiuKtny  against  that  place.  Tlion  I  led  tho  mulo 
carefully  home,  and  stated  my  case  to  tho  livery  man.   But 


180  DHREE   SHKADEKS. 

when  I  looked  that  he  should  offor  to  send  for  a  doctor, 
or  a  Samaritan,  to  do  me  up  iu  a  rag,  aud  pour  olive  oil 
and  champagne  on  my  bruises,  he  only  laughed.  And  his 
man  that  he  had  to  help  him  laid  down  on  a  bench  and 
laughed— and  I  stood  holding  the  mule— then  I  laughed. 
It  was  ridiculous.  But  I've  learned  a  little  wisdom.  Next 
time  I  ride  on  horseback,  it  will  be  a  different  kind  of  beast 
from  a  boiru-  j  'cLu^s. 


\ 

DHKEE  SHKADEES. 


AN0NTU0U8. 


Dhree  shkatlers  vent  ofer  mit  Cendral  Park, 

Vent  ofer  vhen  der  moon  he  vas  liigh, 
Und  efeiy  vou  feel  so  gay  hke  a  lark, 

As  dhey  diuk  vou  dhere  gals  dhey  vood  sigh. 
Und  shents  must  shkade  vhen  der  vasser  vas 
Bud  dhey  doud  vood  dock  dose  malts  along 
To  dot  Cendral  Park  mit  der  cidy  out. 

Dhree  maedchens  yoost  shtob  in  a  barlor  togedder, 

Und  tanz  und  zing  vhen  der  moon  he  vas  high, 
Und  efery  leedle  vbile  looked  out  mit  der  vedder, 
Yhile  der  plack  glouds  valked  ofer  der  shky. 

Vhen  shendlemans  shkade  der  vinds  ofden  blows, 
Toost  der  same  as  dot  nite  a  sbtorm  he  arose, 
Dot  trofe  dose  shkaders  mit  der  cidy  quick  pack. 

Dhree  olt  coats  vas  hung  mit  a  rack  py  der  hall, 

Und  each  sbkader  vas  babby  like  euy  young  shpark, 
Yhile  der  maedchens  vas  lafiu  und  huggin  dbem  all ; 
Dose  shkaders  dot  comes  so  quick  pack  mit  der  Park. 
For  shendlemans  shkade  und  maedchens  may  vait. 
But  dot  nite  der  gals  plessed  fordnue  und  fate. 
Dot  der  vedder  vas  so  pad  der  door  out,  und  dhem 
fellers  vas  come  recht  avay  quick  pack   dliey  can 
mit  dhere  lofes  dot  vas  vaitin  of  dhey  shood  been  on 
dhere  houses  mit  'em. 


DICK    &    FITZGERALD, 
PUBLISHERS,  5fEW  YORK. 


'»•  The  Publishers,  upon  receipt  of  the  price,  Tvill  send  any  of  the  following 
<>olis  by  mail.  l-OSTAriK  kkee,  to  any  part  of  tlic  Uuited  States.  In  ordering 
ooks,  the  full  name,  post  office,  county  and  State  should  be  plainly  written. 


Dick's  Encyclopedia  of  Practical  Receipts  and  Processes. 

Coiitainin,.;  over  i..liHj  Iteci'ipts  ;  cnibrachiir  tlii'mii^li  iiifcimiatiuii.  in  phiin 
langruujre,  applicable  to  almost  every  possible  iiidiislrial  and  douaestie  re- 
quirement. Tlie  seope  of  this  Tvork  is  dilferent  from  any  other  book  of  the 
kind.  The  contents  of  the  Encyclopedia  are  collated  from  works  on  tho 
various  subjects  by  authors  of  enijnenee  in  their  respective  branches,  divested 
of  technicrditc^s,  simplihed  and  illustrated  by  dia^rraras,  where  necessary,  so 
as  to  make  tlie  whole  plain  and  iiilellifrible  to  the  uninitiated.  This  work 
presents  a  coiaplele  an<l  indlspens.able  book  fiT  tlie  houseiiold,  farm,  pardeir, 
ikc. ;  iiicludintj  instructions  ns  to  what  to  do  and  h(jw  to  do  it,  in  case  of  all 
accidents,  coiitinfrencios,  and  ailments  of  daily  life.  It  also  affords  a  valua- 
ble ISouk  of  Refi-rence  for  the  I)rup\t:ist,  enablintr  him  to  make  up  a  number 
of  "Sundries,"  especially  Toilet  Soaps,  Di  iitifriees.  C'osmclics.  and  Perfum- 
ery; also  specific  Medicines  and  licmedics  dirivcd  from  llie  pr.utice  of 
eminent  Physicians,  or  from  various  European  otlieinal  sources;  thusformini? 
a  useful  and  desirable  adjiuict  to  the  United  States  Phannacopaip..  It 
enables  the  Grocer  to  prepare  his  own  Flavoring  Extracts,  Vinegar,  and  a 
host  of  other  articles,  cheaper  and  bett'>r  than  he  can  purchase  them  ;  and 
to  test  the  quality  of  some  of  the  Goods  that  he  buys  and  sells.  To  tho 
l.iqnur  Dealer  it  gives  the  best  aud  hitest  methods  of  treating  and  bnnrov- 
ing  his  liquors  ;  of  preparing  Cordials,  itc. :  of  making,  managing,  and  bot- 
tling (dl  kinds  of  AV  iiie.s.  Cider,  (fcc, — it  lays  before  tho  workman  the  lesnlts 
obtained  by  the  experiments  and  experience  of  the  masters  of  his  trade!. 
In  fact  it  is  almost  useless  to  attempt  an  enumeration  of  the  advantages  of 
this  work,  as  thi-re  is  scarcely  a  branch  of  Industiy  that  may  not  derivo 
information  and  profit  from  its  pages.  Tlie  Index  of  this  work  occupies  42 
three-column  pages,  in  small  type.     COO  pages,  rovul  octavo,  cloth. 

I'rice      .■ $5.00. 

J'.ouiid  in  half  calf,  extra $7.50. 

l"^  Pull  descriptive  circuljir  of  the  above  sent,  by  mail,  free. 

The   Parlor   Stage.     A  Collection  of  Drawinpj-room  Provcros, 

Charades  and  Tableaux  Vivants.  J'.y  Miss  S.  A.  Frost.  The  authoress  of 
thiii  attractivi-  volume  has  iH'rformeU  her  task  with  skill,  talent,  and  «o 
might  nay,  with  genius;  for  the  Acting  Charades  and  I'rovcrbs  are  really 
minor  dramas  of  a  high  order  of  merit.  There  are  twenty-four  of  them,  and 
fourteen  TaOleniix.  all  of  which  are  r-xeellent.  The  characters  are  admira- 
bly drawn,  well  coiilriiHled,  and  the  plots  and  dialogiien  deeply  iiiteresljng. 
:».'J!  pages,  small  ^Vl).  clulh,  gilt  side  and  back,  bi.'vcled  edges.     I'rice  $1.5U 

Wilson's  Book  of  Recitations  and  Dialo^es.    With  Instrai'- 

fions  in  KliMiilioii  and  Ueclainutioii,  ('(Wilaining  a  (dioice  selection  of 
l''M'liral  and  I'rosc  lli-.-iiutions  and  (liigiiial  Colloquies.  I>esigiied  as  a 
Ki-ading  I5<M)k  for  Classes,  and  as  an  .AHsistiint  to  'I'eaeliers  and  Stiulcuts  in 


pren.iring  Exhibitions.     Ily  Floyd   J'..  Wilson,  I'rofcHsor  of  Elocuti(m.     Tho 

ColIoMiiieg  are  entirely  orig'inal.     I'lijier  covers.     Price 30  Cth- 

Hoimu  ill  boards,  cloth  back 50  cts. 


Popular  Book3  sent  Free  of  Postage  at  the  Prices  annexed. 


The  Parlor  Mag'ician  ;  or,  One.  ITi/ndred  Tricls  for  the  Draw- 
trw-Room,  rontainrnp  an  Extensive  and  Miscellaneous  Collection  of  Conjnr- 
jn"  and  Legerdemain;  Sleights  with  Dice,  Dominoes,  Cards,  Bibbcns, 
Rings,  Fruit,  Coin,  Balls,  Handkerchiels,  etc.,  all  of  v.hich  may  be  per- 
tormed  in  the  Parlor  or  Drawing- Room,  without  the  iiid  of  any  apparatus  ; 
also  embracin;?  a  choice  variety  of  Curious  Deceptions,  which  may  be  per- 
formed with  the  aid  of  simple  apparatus;  the  whole  lUusti-ated  and  clearly 

explained  with  121  engravings,     rajier  Covers.     Price - 30cts. 

Bound  in  boards,  with  cloth  back 50  cts. 

Book  of  Riddles  and  Five  Hundred  Home  Amusements- 

Containing  a  Choice  and  Curious  Collection  of  Riddles,  Charades,  Enigma», 
EebusAS,  Anagrams,  Transpositions,  Conundrums,  Amusing  Puzzles,  Uueei 
Sleights,  Recreatioua  in  Arithmetic,  Fireside  Games  and  Natural  Magic, 
embracing  Entertaining  Amusements  in  Magnetism,  Chemistry,  Second 
Sight  and  Simple  Recreations  in  Science  for  Family  and  Social  Pastime,  il- 
lustrated ivith  sixty  Engravings.     Paper  covers.     Price 30  cts. 

Bound  in  boards,  with  cloth  back 50  CtS. 

Book  of  Fireside  Games.  Containing?  an  Explanation  of  the 
most  Entcrtainin;?  Games  suited  to  the  Family  Circle  as  a  Recreation,  such 
as  Games  of  Action,  Games  which  merely  require  attention.  Games  which 
require  memory,  Catch  Games,  which  have  for  their  objects  Tricks  or  Mysti- 
fication Games  in  which  an  opportunity  is  afforded  to  display  Gallantry, 
"Wit,  or  some  slifrht  knowledge  of  certain  Sciences,  Amusing  Forieits,  Fire- 
BideGames  for  Winter  Evening  Amusement,  etc. 

Paper  covers.     Price 30  cts- 

Bound  in  boards,  with  cloth  back 50  Ct3. 

Parlor  Theatricals ;  or.  Winter  Evenings'  Entertainment.  Con- 
taining Aotin<'  Proverbs,  Dramatic  Charades,  Acting  Charades,  or  Draw- 
ing-Room  Pantomimes,  Musical  Burlesques,  Tableaux  Vivants,  etc.;  with 
Instructions  tor  Amateurs;  how  to  Construct  a  Stage  and  Curtain  ;  how  to 
pet  up  Costumes  and  Properties;  on  the  "Making  up"  of  Characters; 
Exits  and   Entrances;    how  to  arrange  Tableaux,  etc.    Illustrated  witl* 

Engravings.     Paper  covers.     Price 30  CtS. 

Bound  in  boards,  cloth  back 50  CtS. 

The  Book  of  500  Curious  Puzzles.  Containinj,'  a  large  col- 
lection of  entertaining  Paradoxes,  Perplexing  Deceptions  in  numbers,  and 
^musin"  Tricks  in  Geometrv.  By  the  author  ot  "The  Sociable,"  '  The  Se- 
cret Out  "  "  The  Magician's  Own  Book."  Illustrated  with  a  great  variety 
of  Engravings.    This  book  commands  a  larije  sale.     It  will  furnish  fun  and 

nmusenient  for  a  whole  wint<>r.     Paper  covers.     Price -  -30  ctF 

Bound  in  boards,  with  cloth  back 50  ctS. 

The  above  five  books  are  compiled  from  the  "  Sociable  "  and  "  Migician's 

Own." 

The  American  Boys'  Book  of  Sports  and  Games.  A  Reposi- 
tory of  In  and  Out-Door  Amusements  for  Boys  and  Youth.  Illustrated 
•p-ith  uearlv  700  enaravings,  designed  by  White,  HeiTick,  Weir  and  Harvey, 
and  engraved  by  N.  Orr.  This  is,  unquestionably,  the  most  attractive  ana. 
valuable  book  of  its  kind  ever  issued  in  this  or  any  other  country.  It  hat 
been  three  years  in  preparation,  and  embraces  all  the  sports  and  games  that 
tend  to  develop  the  physical  constitution,  improve  the  mind  and  heart,  and 
relieve  the  tedium  of  Itisure  hours,  both  in  the  parlor  and  the  field.  The 
Eni'Tavings  are  all  in  the  finest  style  of  art,  and  embrace  eight  full-page 
ornamental  titles,  illustrating  the  several  departments  of  the  work,  beauti- 
fully printed  on  tinted  paper.  The  book  is  issue*!  in  the  best  style,  being 
printed  on  fine  sized  paper,  and  handsomely  bound.     Extra  cloth,  gilt  side 

sind  back,  extra  gold.     Price *8  50 

Extra  cloth,  full  gilt  edges,  back  and  mde tA  C J 


Pcyular  Beoks  sent  Tree  o^  I'ostage  at  tlie  l-'rio<i£  uauezci 

Howard's  Book  of  Conundrums  and  Eiddles.    Containing 

over  1.400  "Witty  Conuudnuns,  Queer  Eiddles,  Perplexing  Puzzles.  Ingoa. 
iooa  KnigMias,  Clever  Cliaradcs,  Curious  Catches,  and  Amusing'  Sells,  origi. 
Inal  and  newly  dressed.  This  splendid  collection  oi'  curious  paradoxe* 
viU  afford  the  material  for  a  never-ending  fea^t  of  fun  and  amusement 
Any  person,  ■with  the  assistam'-e  of  this  book,  may  take  the  lead  in  enter- 
taining a  company  and  keeping  them  in  roars  of  laughter  for  hours  to- 
gether. It  is  an  invaluable  companion  for  a  Pic-nic,  or  Summer  Excursion 
•f  any  kind,  and  is  just  the  thiny  to  make  a  firKside  circle  merry  on  a  lons^ 
winter's  eveuing.   There  is  not  a  poorriddle  in  the  book,  the  majority  bein^ 

fiesb  and  of  the  highest  oi-dcr.    Paptr  cover,  price 30  Ct3- 

Bound  in  boards,  cloth  back,  price 50  Cts- 

Prost's   Book   of   Tableaux  and    Shadow  Pantomimes. 

Containing' a  choice  collection  of  Tableaux  or  Living  Pictures,  embracing 
Moving  Tableaux,  Mother  Goose  Tableaux,  Pauy  Tale  Tableaux,  Charade 
and  Proverb  Tableaux;  together  wth directions  for  arranging  the  stage 
costuming  the  characters,  and  forming  appropriate  groups.  By  Miss  S. 
Annie  Frost  To  which  is  aildcd  a  number  of  Shadow  Acts  and  Panto- 
mimes, with  Cf.mplete  stage  instructions.  180  pages,  paper  cover. .  .30  cts- 
Bound  ia  boariis,  cloth  back 50  eli 

^jaug'hinj^  Gas.  An  Encyclopaedra  of  Wit,  Wisdom,  aiuV 
rVind.  Py  Sam  Slick,  Jr.  Comically  illustrated  with  100  original  an., 
laughable  Engravings,  and  nearly  5(>D  sitie-e.xtendin^  Jokes,  an-l  othi'.' 
things  to  get  tat  on  ;  and  the  best  thir,'?  r"  it  is,  that  everything  about  the- 
bfK)k  is  n"w  and  Iresh— all  new— new  clasigns,  new  sttjries,  new  type— nt 
comic  almanac  stutt     Price 25  Ct8- 

•^'iie  Egyptian  Dream  'Eook  and  Fortune-Teller.     Con- 
taining an  Alphabetic^al  Li.st  of  iJroama,  ana  numerous  methods  of  Tolling 
i'ortunt-s,  including  the  celebrated  Oraculum  of  Napoleon  Ponaparte.     It 
lustratfd  wUh  explanatory  diiigrams.     l(jmo,  boards,  cloth  back. 
Price 40C1& 

Ned  Turner's  Black  Jokes.    A  collection  of  Funny  Stories^ 

Joke>,  and  Conundrums,  intei'spors<jd  with  Witty  Sayings  and  Hurnoroiu 
D:alo<^u<-»i.  As  given  by  Ned  Tumcr.  the  Celebrated  Etbiopi;ui  Delmeaf  ut 
and  Kqucdtriaa  Clown.    Price 10  Cta 

Book  of  1,000  Tales  and  Amusing^  Adventures.  Con- 
taining over. joo  Engravings,  and  4.>0  pages.  This  is  a  niiignilicent  hook, 
and  i--i  crauuno"!  full  of  narratives  and  adventures.     Pwtse $1  60 

The  Game  of  Whist.  Eulcs,  Directions,  and  Maxims  to 
be  obH.Tved  in  playing  it.  Containing,  also.  Primary  Rules  for  Peijinuern, 
Explanations  and  iJin-clions  for  Old  Players,  and  the  Laws  of  tlx!  Oam.'. 
Compiled  Irom  Iloylu  and  Matthews.     Price 12  CtS. 

ID. 000   Wonderful   Things.     Comprisinpj   the   Marvellous 

atwl  Karo,  Odd,  Curious,  Ciuaint,  Kceeulrio,  and  Extraordinary,  in  all  Ag.'O 
iLri'l  Natii'inH,  in  Art,  Nature,  and  Science,  including  many  Wonders  oJ  tla 
World.  <rnrirh«>d  with  hundrtilH  of  autlientic  illuatrationii.  lOmo,  clolU 
pit  «rid«  and  baik.     Pric<^ tl  5<' 

ffed  Turner's  Clown  Joke  Book,    ooncaminf?  mo  hflgt  joicob 

•nd  (J»inn  of  Wll,  corMi>'i(t.-d  arjd  d-ihvor.-d  by  thn  fftvorllo  i!^i|a(iatrJao  Clown 
kod  Kthlo|ii»n  (>)Bi<!dliin,  N«d  ToriDr.     IHino.     Pr1o« 10  Ot«. 

Bam  Slick  in  Search  of  a  Wife.    i2mo. 

I'»per  owT.     Prlo« 75  CM. 

Urn*    «l»tb       ... , 8125 


Papular  Books  sent  Free  of  Postage  at  tlje  Prices  Annexed 

Cards  O^ Courtship.     Arranged  with  such  aptWDonversations 

that  you  will  be  enabled  to  ask  the  momentous  question  categorically,  in 
such  a  delicate  manner  that  the  girl  will  not  suspect  what  you  are  at. 
These  cards  may  be  used,  either  by  two  persons,  or  they  will  inake  lots  of 
fun  tor  an  evening  party  of  young  people.  There  are  fourteen  question 
cards,  and  twenty-eight  answers — forty-two  in  all.  E.ach  answer  will  re- 
spond differently  to  every  one  of  the  questions.  The  person  holding  the 
questions  either  selects  or  draws  one  out,  as  he  pleases.  The  answer  is  giv- 
en by  shutSing  the  answer  cards,  and  then  throwing  one  of  them,  down  pro- 
miscuously. It  may  be  a  warm  and  loving,  a  non-committal,  a  genial  as-, 
senting,  a  cold  denying,  an  evasive,  or  even  a  coquettishly  uncertain  answer 
— for  they  are  all  there,  besides  others  which  it  is  difficult  to  classify.  When 
used  in  a  party,  the  question  is  read  aloud  by  tlie  lady  receiving  it — she 
shuffles  and  hands  out  an  answer — and  that  also  must  be  read  aloud  by 
the  gentleman  receiving  it.  The  fun  thus  caused  is  intense.  Put  up  in 
handsome  card  cases,  on  which  are  printed  directions.    Price 30  Cts- 

Love-Making  Made  Easy.    By  Love-Letter   Cards.    We 

have  just  printed  a  new  and  novel  Set  of  Cards  which  will  delight  the  hearts 
of  young  people  susceptible  of  the  tender  passion.  These  oonsist  of  forty- 
two  cards — twenty-one  pink,  or  yellow,  and  the  same  number  of  white  ones. 
Each  white  card  has  printed  on  it  a  love-letter  to  a  lady,  and  each  of  the 
colored  ones  has  her  reply.  The  letters  and  replies  are  all  different,  and  no 
formality  of  style,  or  namby-pambyism,  will  be  found  in  any  of  them.  AH 
are  written  in  a  modern  familiar  tone,  with  plain  and  candid  declarations  of 
love — warmly  or  moderately  expressed,  or  delicately  hinted  at,  as  the  case 
may  be,  and  some  of  them  boldly  popping  the  momentous  question  to  the 
fair  recipient.  The  answer  cards  are  equally  terse,  candid  and  to  the  point. 
N.  B. —  These  cards  may  lie  also  successfully  used  for  models  (either  wholly 
or  in  part)  in  writing  to  lovers  or  sweethearts.  Put  up  in  handsome  cases 
on  which  are  printed  directions.    Price 30  CtS- 

Fortune-Tell 'ng  Cards.  Solutions  of  uncertain  and  intri- 
cate questions  vclative  to  love,  luck,  lotteries,  matrimony,  business  matters, 
journeys,  and  future  events  ^"^enerally,  are  here  given  in  a  direct,  piquant,  and 
satisfactory  manner.  They  have  been  carefully  worked  out  on  genuine  as- 
trolosiical  and  geometrical  principles,  by  planetarium,  and  in  figures,  trian- 
gles and  cui'ves,  and  are  so  arranged  that  each  answer  will  respond  to  every 
one  of  the  questions  which  may  be  put.  There  are  fourteen  printed  questions 
and  twenty-eight  answer  cards.  If  none  of  the  questions  should  suit  your 
case,  you  can  ask  any  other  you  please,  and  the  proper  answer  will  come. 
These  cards  will  also  afford  a  fund  of  amusement  in  a  party  of  young  people. 
Each  package  is  enclosed  in  a  card-case,  on  which  are  printed  directions  fcr 
using  the  cards.     Price 30  cts. 

'Leap-Year  Cards,     To  enable  any  lady  to  pop  the  qufstion 

to  the  chosen  one  of  her  heart.  This  set  of  oayds  is  intended  more  to  make  f  u  a 
among  young  people  than  for  any  practical  utility.  There  are  twenty-on*" 
pink  or  yellow  cards,  and  the  same  number  of  white  ones — forty-t^o  in  all 
On  each  of  the  colored  cards  is  a  printed  letter  from  a  lady  to  a  gentleman, 
wherein  the  fair  one  declares  her  love,  or  pops  the  question  in  a  humorou.S" 
ly  sentimental  manner.  The  letters  all  differ  in  style,  and  in  the  mode  of 
attack.  The  twenty-one  answers,  on  white  cards,  is  where  the  fun  come?  in. 
Put  up  in  handsome  cases,  on  which  are  printed  directions 30  ctS- 

Souillard's  Sook  of  Practical  Receipts.     For  the  use  of 

Families.  Druggists,  Perfumers,  Confectioners,  Patent  Medicine  Factors, 
and  Dealers  in  Soaps  and   Fancy  Articles  for  the  Toilet.     Compiled  with 
great  care  from  receipts  now  in  use  by  the  most  popular  houses  in  France 
and  the  United  States.     By  F.  A.  Souillard,  practical  chemist. 
Paper  cover     Price 2S  cxs 


Popular  Books  sent  Free  of  Postage  at  the  Prices  annexed. 

Brudder  Bones'  Book  of  Stump  Speeches  and  Burlesque 

Orations.  Also  containing  Humorous  Lectures,  Ethiopian  Dialogues,  Plan- 
taciuu  &oenes,  Negro  Faroes  and  Burlesques,  Laughable  Interludes  and  Com- 
ic Recitations,  interspersed  with  Dutch,  Irish,  French  and  Yankee  Stories. 
Compiled  and  edited  by  John  F.  ^cott.  This  book  contains  some  ol  the 
best  hits  of  the  leading  negio  delineators  of  the  present  time,  as  ■well  as 
mirth-provoking  jokes  and  repartees  of  the  most  celebrated  End-Men  of  the 
day,  and  specially  designed  for  the  introduction  of  fun  in  an  eveninLr's  en- 
tertainment.    Paper  covers.     Price 30  cts. 

Bound  in  boards,  illuminated 50  eta. 

'Frost's  Original  Letter-Writer.    A  complete  collection  of 

Original  Letters  and  Notes,  upon  every  imaginable  subject  of  Every-Day 
Lite,  with  plain  directions  about  everything  connected  with  writing  a  letter. 
ConUiining  Lettei-s  of  Introduction,  Letters  on  Bu.'iiness,  Letters  answering 
Advertisements,  Letters  of  Recommendation,  Applications  for  Employment, 
Letters  of  Congratulation,  of  Condolence,  of  Friendship  and  P.elationship, 
Love  lyettcrs,  Notes  of  Invitation,  Notes  Accompanying  Gifts,  Letters  ot 
Favor,  of  Advice,  and  Letters  of  Excuse,  together  with  an  apyiropriate 
answer  to  each.  The  whole  embracing  three  hundred  letters  and  notes.  By 
B.  A.  FuosT,  author  of  "  The  Parlor  Stage,''  "  Dialogues  for  Young  Folks," 
etc.  To  which  is  addi-d  a  comprehensive  Table  of  Synonyms  aloue  worth 
double  the  price  asked  for  the  txiok.  This  work  is  not  a  rehash  of  English 
writers,  but  is  entirely  practical  and  original,  and  suited  to  the  wants  ot  tho 
American  public.  AVo  a.ssure  our  readers  thctt  it  is  the  best  coUi'ction  of 
letters  ever  publishe<l  in  this  country.  Boun.*  in  boards,  cloth  liack,  vitli 
illuminated  sides.    Price 50  Cts. 

Inquire  Within  for  Any l king  you  Want  to  Know  ;  a;  Over 
3,T(K)  Facts  for  Ihe  People.  "  Inquire  Within  "  is  one  of  the  most  valuable 
and  extraordinary  volumes  ever  jjresented  to  the  American  j'liblic,  and 
embodies  nearly  4,000  facts,  in  most  of  which  any  pei-son  will  lliid  instruc- 
tion, aid  and  enti-rtainment.  It  contains  so  many  valuable  ri'cipes,  that 
an  cnumiTatiou  of  them  recjuires  snenty-lwo  columns  of  fine  lijjif.  for  the 
iwlfx.     Illustrated.    43G  large  pages.     Price $150 

The  Sociable ;  or.  One  Thousand  and  One  Jlome  AmrtKement^. 

fV)ntaining  Acting  Proverbs,  Dramatic  Charades,  Acting  Charades,Tableaux 
VivantM,  Parlor  Games  and  Parlor  Magic,  and  a  choice  collection  of  Puzzles, 
etc.,  illiistratefl  with  nearly  300  Kngravmys  and  Diagrams,  the  whole  being 
a  fund  ol  never-ending  entertainmcTit.  Bv  the  aiitlior  of  the  "  Magician's 
Own  Book."    Nearly  400  pages,  12  mo.  cloth,  gilt  side  stamp.    Price.  .$1 50 

Martine's  Hand-Book  of  Etiquette  and  Guide  to  True  Po- 
liteness. A  CDrnphlc  Miiniiil  fur  all  those  who  desire  to  understand  g(><«l 
bre'-dirig,  the  eusloins  of  pood  Bociety,  and  to  avoid  incorrect  and  vulgiir 
luibitM.  Containing  clear  and  comprehensive  directions  for  correct  manners, 
oonvematiun,  dn'sH,  inlifxluetions,  rules  for  gorjd  behavior  at  Dinner  Parties 
and  the  table,  with  hints  on  wine  and  carving  at  tln!  table;  togetlicr  with 
£ti<|iiett<>  of  the  Ball  and  Assembly  Ilfjom,  Evening  Parties,  and  th('  usatres 
to  !;«!  obw.Tvi-d  when  visiting  or  receiving  calls;  deportment  in  the  stveit 
and  when  truvellin|ir.    To  which  is  added  the  Etiquette  of  Courtship  ai  .1 

Mnrriage.     Bound  in  tioards,  with  cloth  back.     Price 50  cts. 

Bonn  J    n  cluth,  gilt  side 75  Cts. 

Day's  American  Ready-Reckoner,  containing  TaMcs  for 

rapiil  caliulutions  of  Aggrcuale  Values,  'WagfJS,  Salaries,  Board,  Int^.Test 
MotK-y,  &(!..  ki .  Also,  Taldesof  TiiiiUr,  Plank,  Boanl  and  Log  Measui.- 
ments,  with  full  exi>lan.itioii«  how  In  nieasure  them,  either  by  ih<!  Hqiiaro 
f')ot  (boanl  mciuture),  cubic  iittit  (limber  measure),  &c.     Bound  in  boanls. 

Price SO  eta, 

Buuod  iu  cloth ' 75  ctM- 


Popular  Books  sent  Free  of  Postage  &t  the  Prices  annexe*. 
Spencer's  Book  of  Comic  Speeches  and  Humorous  Recita* 

tions  -A-  collection  of  Comic  Speeches  and  Dialogues,  Humorous  Prose  and 
Poeticil  liecitations,  Lausfhable  Dramatic  Scenes  and  Burlesfjues,  and  Kc- 
centric  Characteristic  I'^'oliloquies  and  Stories.  Suitable  tor  School  Exhibi- 
tions f  nd  Evening  Entertainments.  Edited  by  Albeet  J.  Spencer.  This 
is  the  sest  book  ot  Comic  Recitations  that  has  ever  been  published,  and 
comm  mds  a  large  sale  on  account  of  its  real  merit.  It  is  crammed  full  of 
Comic  Poetry,  Laughable  Lectures,  Irish  and  Dutch  Stories,  Yankee  yarns, 
Negro  Burlesques,  Short  Dramatic  Scenes,  Humorous  Dialogues,  and  all 
kinds  of  Funny  Speeches. 

Pape""  covers.     Price 30  ctij. 

Bound  in  boards,  cloth  back -....50  CtS. 

Marache's  Manual  of  Chess-  Containing  a  description  of 
the  Board  atd  the  Pieces,  Chess  Notation,  Technical  Terms  with  diagrama 
illustrating  taem,  Eehitive  Value  of  the  Pieces,  Laws  of  the  Game,  General 
Observations  on  the  Pieces,  Preliminary  Games  for  Beginners,  Fifty  Open- 
ings of  Games,  giving  all  the  latest  discoveries  of  Modern  Masters,  with 
test  games  and  copious  notes.  Twenty  Endings  of  Games,  showing  easiest 
•ways  of  effecting  Checkmate.  Thirty-six  ingenious  Diagram  Problems, 
and  Sixteen  curious  Chess  Stratagems.  To  which  is  added  a  Treatise  on 
the  Games  of  Backgammon,  Russian  Backgammon  and  Dominoes,  the 
"whole  being  one  tf  the  best  Books  for  Beginners  ever  published.  By  N. 
Makache,  Chess  E.^itorof  "  Wilkes'  Spirit  of  the  Times." 

Bound  in  boards,  ck  ih  back.    Price. . . . , 50  ctS, 

Cloth,  gilt  side 75  ctS. 

Martine's  Sensible  Letter  Writer ;  Being;  a  comprehensive 

and  complete  Guide  an.\  A.ssistant  for  those  who  desire  to  carry  on  Episto- 
lary C:onrvs|)ondenee ;  Covit^ning  a  large  collection  of  model  letters,  on  th« 
simplest  matters  of  life,  avLipted  to  all  ages  and  conditions, 

EMBKACrNG, 


Letters  of  Coiaiesy,  Friendship  and 
Affection  ; 

Letters  of  Condolence  and  Sympathy ; 

A  Choice  Collection  of  Love  Letters,  for 
Every  Siliuitioyi  in  a  Courtship ; 

Notes  of  Ceremony,  Fixmiliar  Invita' 
tions,  etc.,  together  with  Notes  of  Ac- 
ceptance and  Regret. 


Business  Letters ; 

AppticnJions    for   Employmei  (,   with 
Letters  of  Recommendation,  and  An- 
swers to  Advertisements ; 
Letters  between  Parents  and  Children  : 
Letters  of  Friendly  Counsel  and  Re- 

m.onf(rance  ; 
Letters    soliciting    Advice,   Assistance 

and  fViendly  Favors  ; 
The  whole  containing  300  Sensible  Letters  and  Notes.  This  is  an  invalua- 
ble book  for  those  persons  who  have  not  had  sufficient  practice  to  enablj 
them  to  write  letters  without  great  effort.  It  contains  such  a  variety  oC 
letters,  that  models  may  be  found  to  suit  every  subj'/ct.    Bound  m  boards, 

•with  illuminated  cover  and  cloth  back,  207  pages.     Price 50  Cta 

Bound  in  cloth 75  Ct& 

Jhe  Perfect  Gentleman.  A  book  of  "Ktiquette  and  Elo- 
quence. Containing  Information  and  Instruction  for  those  who  desire  to 
become  brilliant  or  conspicuous  in  General  Society,  oi  at  Parties,  Dmner% 
or  Popular  Gatherings,  etc.  It  gives  directi'>ns  how  to  use  wine  at  table, 
with  Rules  tor  judging  the  quality  thereof.  Rules  for  Carving,  and  a  com- 
plete Etiquette  of  the  Dinner  Table,  including  Dinner  Speeches,  Toasts 
and  Sentiments,  Wit  and  Conversation  at  Table,  etc.  It  has  also  an 
American  Code  of  Etiquette  and  Politeness  for  all  occasions.  Model 
Speeches,  "with  Directions  how  to  delirer  them.  Duties  of  the  Chairman 
at  Public  Meetings.  Forms  cf  Preu.-nbles  and  Resolutions,  etc.  It  is  a 
havid3r)ro8ly  hound  an^l  pllt  ■^ohiroo  of  335  pages. 
Price ,. ei  50 


Popular  Books  sent  Free  of  Postage  at  the  Prices  annexefl.' 
Hillgrove's  Ball-room  Guide  and  Complete  Dancing-mas. 

ter.  Containing  a  jjlain  treatise  on  Etiquette  and  Deportment  at  Balla 
and  Parties,  with  valuable  hints  ou  Dress  and  the  Toilet,  together  with  lui; 
explanations  of  the  Rudiments,  Terms,  Figures  and  Steps  used  in  Dancinj,', 
including  clear  and  precise  instructions  howtodani.-  all  kinds  of  Quad- 
rilles, Waltzes,  Poikas,  PLedowas,  Reels,  Round,  Plain  and  Fancy  Dances, 
80  that  any  i)erson  may  learn  them  without  the  aid  of  a  teacher ;  to  which 
is  added,  easy  directions  tor  calling  out  the  Fi;;ures  of  every  dance,  and  *;.• 
amount  of  ilusic  required  tor  each.  The  whole  illustrated  with  V.  rte- 
Bcriptive  engravings  and  diagrams.  By  Thomas  Hillgkove,  Prof'^osorof 
Dancing. 

Bound  in  cloth,  with  gilt  side  and  back.    Price ....$1  00 

Bound  in  boards,  cloth  back 75  cti 

Wright's  Book  of  3,000  American  Receipts;  or,  -Light- 

Jiouse  of  raluabU:  Information.  Containing  over  3,000  Receipts  in  all  the 
Useful  and  Domestic  Arts— including  Cooking,  Confectionery,  Distilling, 
Perfumery,  Chemicals,  Vamishos,  Dyeing,  Agriculture,  etc.  Embracin;; 
valuable  secrets  that  cannot  be  obtained  from  any  other  source.  No  exer- 
tion or  exi)en.se  has  been  isparod  to  make  this  work  as  comprehensive  and 
accurate  as  possible.  Many  Receipts  will  be  found  in  it  that  have  never 
before  appeared  m  print  lu  this  country.  Some  idea  may  be  lormed  of  its 
value  in  the  latter  respeit,  when  it  is  stated  that  the  compiler  has  been  for 
many  years  engagea  in  collecting  rare  and  valuable  Receipts  from  numer- 
OU.S  languages  besides  the  English.  This  is  by  far  the  most  valuable  Ameri- 
can Receijit  Hook  that  has  ever  been  published. 
r2rao.,  cloth,  :i'M  pages.    Price $1  50 

The  Modern  Pocket  Hoyle.     Containing  all  tho  Games  of 

Skill  and  Chance,  as  jilayed  in  this  coTintrj-  at  the  present  time  ;  being  an 
"  authority  on  all  disimted  points."  By  "  Tuciips."  This  valuable  manual 
is  all  original,  or  thoroughly  revised,  from  the  best  and  latest  authorities, 
and  incliyles  the  Vav;-^  and  complete  directions  for  playing  one  hundred  and 
eleven  dilfereut  games,  comi>rising  Card  games.  Chess,  Checkers,  Dominoes, 
Backgammon,  Dice,  Billiards,  and  all  the  Field  Games.    388  pages. 

Paper  covers.     Price 50  cts 

Bound  in  l^oards,  cloth  back 75  Ct 

Bound  in  cloth,  gilt  fide  and  back $1  2;'> 

Richardson's   Monitor    of   Free-Masoniy.     A    Coni])l«io 

(i'lilc  to  tlio  various  Ceremonies  and  Routine  in  Free-Mason's  Lodges, 
r|i.n,t.i-s,  Enwimiiments,  Hierarchies,  etc.,  in  all  the  Degrees,  whether 
M.-l'-m,  Ancient,  Ineffable,  Philosoiihiral  (,r  Historical.  Containing,  also, 
the  .'^r^'iis.  Tokens,  f;  rips,  Pass-wonls,  D.coraf  ions.  Drapery,  Dress,  Regalia 
ami  .Juwel.s,  in  each  Digree.  Profuselv  ilhistnitcd  with  Explanatory  En- 
gravings, Plans  otthe  Interior  of  Ixjdges,  etc.  By  JAUr.z  Rkhahdson, 
A.  M.     A  book  of  W'>  pages. 

IJound  in  pajKT  covers.     Price 75cta. 

Bound  rtiid  gilt SI  <b 

Rarey  and  Kuowlson'c  Complete  Horse-tamer  and  Far- 

lier.  A  Ni'W  and  Imjiroved  Edition,  containing  Mr.  Riirey's  whole  Be<n)t 
ot  HulKliiiiig  ami  Unmaking  Vicious  IlorHifS,  togetbrr  with  his  Iinpiovcd 
Plan  of  Maniitfing  Young  <;olts,  and  bri.-aking  tlnrii  to  tlie  Saddh',  the 
HarucHH  and  the  Hulky,  with  RiiU.-s  »or  wleeting  a  good  Hoi-w;,  for  Fieding 
HorncH,  etc.  Also,  'I'lir.  CoMi-i.r.TE  FAititiKii;  or,  Horsfj  Do<:tor ;  a  (iuidu 
for  tlieTreatniint  of  IIoiws  m  all  Diseases  tx>  which  that  noble  anhiiiil  19 
liable,  tx'ing  the  n-siilt  of  fifty  years'  extensive  practice  of  the  author, 
John  C.  Ksowi.hon,  during  his  lite  an  English  FaiTier  of  liigh  jMinulanty, 
containing  the  hitcsl  ilis'overi.s  in  the  Cure  of  Spavin.  Ulustrated  with 
dencrinlive  EngruvingM. 
Bound  in  boajtla,  cloth  back.    Price ••  ■•   Ni  ct» 


Popular  Books  sent  Free  ftf  Postage  at  the  Prices  annoxei 

Book  of  Household  Pets.  Containing  valuable  instructions 
about  the  Diseases,  Breeding,  Training  and  Management  of  the  Canary, 
Mocking  Bird,  Brown  Thrush,  or  Thrasher,  and  other  birds,  and  the  rearing 
and  management  ot  all  kinds  ot  Pigeons  and  Fancy  Poultry,  Babbits,  ^uir- 
rels,  Guinea  Fig'^,  White  Mice,  and  Dogs ;  together  with  a  Comprehensive 
Treatise  on  the  Principle  and  Management  of  the  Salt  and  fresh  Water 
Aquarium.     Illustrated  with  123  iliie  wood-cuts. 

Bound  in  boards.     Price 5O  ct* 

Bound  in  cloth,  gilt  side ." -'..75  cts. 

.Athletic  Sports  for  Boys.  A  Eeposltory  of  Graceful  Ee- 
creations  for  Youth,  containing  clear  and  complete  instructions  in  Gymnas- 
tics, Limb  Exercises  Jumpmg,  Pole  Leaping,  Dumb  Bells,  Indian  Clubs, 
Paraliel  Cars,  the  Horizontal  Bar,  the  Trapeze,  the  Suspended  Hopes,  Skat- 
ing, Swimming,  Rowing,  Sailing,  Horsemanship,  Hiding,  Driving,  Angling, 
Fencing  and  Broadsword.  The  whole  splendidly  illustrated  with  194  fina 
■wood-cuts  and  diagrams. 

Bound  in  boai-ds,  with  cloth  back.    Price 75  ctfl. 

Bound  in  cloth,  gilt  side gl  qq 

The  Play-Ground  ;  or,  Out-Door  Games  for  Boys.  A  Book  of 
Healthy  Recreations  for  Youth,  containing  over  a  hundred  Amusements, 
including  Games  of  Activity  pud  Speed  ;  Games  with  Toys,  Marbles,  Tops, 
Hoops,  Kites.  Archery,  Balls  ;  with  Cricket,  Croquet  and  Base-Ball.     Illus- 

tiated  with  124  wood-cuts.     Bound  in  hoards.    Price 50ct3- 

Bound  in  cloth,  gilt  side , 75  Cta. 

The  above  three  books  are  abridged  from  the  "  American  Boy's  Book  ot 
Bports  and  Games." 

The  Young  E,eporter  ;  or,  How  to  Write  Short-Hand.  A  com- 
plete Phonographic  Teacher,  intended  to  afford  thorough  instruction  to 
those  who  have  not  the  assistance  of  an  Oral  Teacher.  By  the  aid  of  thiti 
Stork,  any  person  ot  the  most  ordinary  intelligence  may  learn  to  w>ite  Short- 
Hand,  and  Report  Speeches  and  Sermons  in  a  short  time.  Bound  in  boiirds, 
vrith  cloth  back.    Price 50  ctS. 

Barton's  Comio   Recitations  and  Humorous  Dialogues. 

Containiug  a  variety  of  Comic  Recitations  in  Prose  and  Poetry,  Amusing 
Dialogues,  Burlescpie  Scenes,  Eccentric  Orations  and  Stump  Speeches.  Hu- 
morous Interludes  and  I^aughable  Farces.  Desicned  for  School  Commence- 
inents  and  Amatevr  Theatricals.  Edited  by  Jeuome  Barton.  This  is  tlio 
best  collection  of  Humorous  pieces,  especially  adapted  to  the  parlor  stage, 

that  has  ever  been  published.    Illuminated  paper  cover.     Price 30  ctS- 

Bound  in  boards,  with  cloth  back 50  CtS. 

.  The  Secret  Out ;  or,  One  TJiousand  Trlcls  with  Cards,  and 
other  HecTfatinns.  Illustrated  ■with  over  Three  Hundred  Engravings.  A 
book  which  explains  all  the  Tricks  and  Deceptions  with  Playing  Cards  ever 
known,  and  gives,  besides,  a  great  many  new  ones — the  whole  being  de- 
scribed so  carefully,  with  engravings  to  illustrate  them,  that  anybody  can 
easily  learn  how  1z)  perform  them.  This  work  also  contains  240  ot  the  best 
Tricks  in  Legerdemain,  in  addition  to  the  card  tricks.  12mo.,  400  pages 
bound  in  cloth,  with  gilt  bide  and  back.     Price..., $1  5(J 

The  American  Card  Player.     Containing:  clear  and  compre- 

henji  ve  directinns  fi)r  piayin?  the  saiuHSof  Euchre,  Whist,  Beziquo,  All  Fours 
French  Fours.  Cribb.ige.  Cassino,  Stnii?ht  and  Draw  Poker,  Whisky  Poker 
and  Commercial  Pitch,  together  with  all  the  laws  of  those  Games.     150  pases, 

bound  in  boards,  with  cloth  back.     Price 50  CtS. 

Bound  in  cbth  ^ilt  £idt7 75  Ol> 


Popular  Books  sent  Free  of  Postage  at  the  Prices  annexetu 


The  Young  Debater  and  Chairman's  Assistant.  Contain- 
ing instructions  how  to  lorm  and  conduct  Societies,  Clubs  and  other  organ 
ized  associations.  Also,  full  Kules  of  Order  for  the  government  of  then 
Business  and  Debates  ;  together  with  complete  directions  How  to  Composb 
Eesolutious,  Keports  and  Petitions;  and  the  best  way  to  manage  Public 
Meetings,  Celebrations,  Dinners  and  Pic-><ics.  Also  instructions  in  Elocu- 
tion, with  hints  on  Debate.  This  book  is  compiled  from  our  larger  work 
entitled  "The  Finger  Poet  to  I'ublic  Busmess."  To  any  one  who  de6ue» 
to  become  familiar  with  the  duties  of  an  Officer  or  Committee-man  in  c 
Society  or  Associ:ition,  tins  work  will  be  imvaluable,  as  it  contains  minut» 
instructions  in  every thinsj  that  pertains  to  the  routine  of  Society  Business. 

LMpajres.    Paper  cove/,  price 30  cts 

Bound  iQ  boards,  with  cloth  back,  price. 50  Ct& 

Frost's  Laws  and  By-Laws  of  American  Society.    Acou-l 

den3e<l  but  thorough  treatise  on  Etiquette  and  its  usages  in  America. 
Containing  plain  and  reliable  directions  for  deportment  on  the  following 
subjects:  Letters  of  Introduction,  balutes  and  Salutations,  Calls,  Conver- 
sations, Invitations,  Dinner  Company,  Balls,  Morning  and  Evening  Par' 
ties.  Visiting,  Str>-et  Etiijuette,  liiding  and  Driving,  Travelling  ;  Etiquettes 
in  Church,  Etiquette  fur  i'laces  of  Amusement ;  Servants,  Hotel  Etiquette; 
Etiquette  in  "Weddings,  Baptisms,  and  Funerals;  Etiquette  with  Children, 
and  at  the  Card-Table  ;  Visiting  (.'ards,  Letter- Writing,  the  l-ady's  Toilet, 
the  Gentleman's  Toilet  ;  besides  one  hundred  unclassified  laws  applicable 

to  all  occasions.     Pajier  cover,  price 30  ctl. 

Bound  m  boards,  with  cloth  back,  price 50  Cta 

How  to  Cook  Potatoes,  Apples,  Eggs  and  Fish,  Four  Hun- 
dred Different  Ways.  The  matter  tmbraced  in  this  work  consists  of  th« 
combined  contents  of  four  httle  lx)ok.s  which  have  obtained  immense  popu^ 
larity  in  France  and  England,  and  which  have  been  thoroughly  revised  and 
adapte<l  for  American  housekeepers  by  an  American  cook  of  great  experi- 
ence. The  work  especially  recommends  itself  to  tho.se  who  arc  otteu  em- 
barrassed for  want  of  variety  in  dishes  suitable  for  the  breakfast  table  or, 
on  occasions  where  ttiu  necessity  arises  for  preparing  a  meal  at  short  notice. 

Paper  covers,  price 30  CtS. 

Bound  in  boards,  with  cloth  back,  price 50  CtS. 

Uncle  Josh's  Trunk-Full  of  Fun.    A  portfolio  of  first-class 

Wit  and  Humor,  and  never-ending  source  of  Jollity,  Coiilainiisg  tlie  rich, 
est  collection  of  <  'omical  Stones,  Cruel  Sells,  Side-splitting  Jokes,  Humorous 
Poetry,  Uuaint  I'arodies,  BurUsijue  Scnnons,  New  Coii«udrunisand  Mirth 
Provoking  Sp<'eches  ever  )>Tiblished.  Interspersed  with  Curious  Puzzles, 
AmuHiug  Card  Tricks,  and  Feats  of  Parlor  Magic.  Hlustrated  with  nearly 
200  Funny  Engravings.  This  book  consists  of  64  large  octavo  pages,  and 
contains  three  times  ivj  mttch  reading  matter  and  real  fun  as  any  other 
ixjtjk  of  the  samo  price,     lilustxated  cover,  printed  in  colors,  price. .  .15  cta 

The  American  Ho\:sewife  and  Kitchen  Directory.     This 

valuable  Ixiok  embriicts  three  liurnlred  and  seventy-eight  receipts  for 
ocxjking  all  sorts  of  American  dishes  in  the  most  economical  manner,  and, 
besideH  thesf,  it  also  contains  a  great  variety  of  imi>ortant  secrets  for  wash- 
ing.  cleansing,  scourinif,  and  extracting  grcai>e,  paints,  stains  and  iron- 
mould  from  cloth,  muslin  and  linen. 

}W)uiid  in  ornamental  paf>er  covers,  price 30  CtK 

Boiin'l  in  boards,  with  cloth  back,  price 50  CtS. 

How  to  Cook  and  How  to  Carve.  Givint;  plain  and  easily 
underHloo'l  dm  <ti(jiis  for  preparing  and  cooking,  with  the  greatest  economy, 
(Tvory  kind  ol  dmh,  witli  ooiupli-te  iimlriictionH  for  serving  the  name.  Thin 
;»<>k  is  just  the  thing  for  a  young  UouiMkeel>er.  It  explains  evervthing 
..bout  the  art  of  <^»ok  ing.     1 1  is  worth  u  dozen  of  cxjwnsivo  French  books. 

Paper  covem,  price SO  ct«. 

Bouadia  buardii,  wtlUglolb  back,  price 50  cta 


Popular  Books  sent  Free  of  Postage  at  the  Prices  annexed. 
Duncan's  Masonic  Ritual  and  Monitor;  or,  Guiile  to  the 

Three  Symbolic  Degrees  of  the  Ancient  York  Rite,  Entered  Apprentice,  Felloia 
Craft,  and  Master  Mason.  And  to  the  Degrees  of  Mark  Master,  Past  Mas- 
ter,'  Most  Excellent  Master,  and  the  Royal  Arch.  By  Malcom  C.  Duncan. 
Explained  and  Interpreted  by  copious  Notes  and  numerous  Engravings. 
It  is  not,  so  much  the  design  of  the  author  to  gratify  the  curiosity  of  the 
uninitiated,  as  to  furnisli  a  Guide  to  the  Younger  Members  oi  the  Order, 
by  means  of  which  their  progress  from  ;,ade  to  grade  may  be  facilitated. 
It  IS  a  well-known  fact  that  comparative!.' tew  of  the  fraternity  are  "  Bright 
Masons,"  but  with  the  aid  ot  this  invaluable  Masonic  Companion  any  Ma- 
son can,  in  a  short  time,  become  qualified  to  take  the  Chair  as  Master  of  a 
Lodge.  Nothing  is  omitted  in  it  that  may  tend  to  impart  a  full  under* 
standing  of  the  principles  of  Masonry.  This  is  a  valuable  book  for  tho 
Fraternity,  containing,  as  it  does,  the  Modern  "  Work  "  of  the  order.  No 
Mason  should  be  without  it.  It  is  entirely  different  from  any  other  Ma- 
sonic book  heretofore  published. 

Bound  in  cloth.     Price $2  50 

Leather  tucks  (Pocket-book  Style),  with  gilt  edges.    Price 3  00 

'Trumps'"  American  Hoyle;  or,  Oenileman's  Iland-hook  of 

Games.  Containing  clear  and  complete  descriptions  of  all  the  Games  played 
in  the  tlnited  States,  with  the  American  Kules  for  playing  them ;  including 
"Whist,  Euchre,  Bezique,  Cribbage,  All- Fours,  Loo,  Poker,  Brag,  Piquet, 
Ecarte,  Boston,  Cassino,  Chess,  Checkers,  Backgammon,  Dominoes,  Bil- 
liards, and  a  hundred  other  Games.  This  work  is  designed  to  be  an  Ameri' 
can  authority  in  all  games  of  skill  and  chance,  and  will  settle  any  disputed 
poin''r.  It  has  been  prepared  with  great  care  by  the  editor,  with  the  assist- 
ance of  a  number  of  gentlemen  players  of  skill  and  ability,  and  is  not  a 
re-hash  of  English  Games,  but  a  live  American  book,  expressly  prepared 
for  American  readers.  The  American  Hoyle  contains  525  pages,  is  printed 
on  fine  white  paper,  bound  in  cloth,  with  beveled  boards,  and  is  profusely 
illustrated  with  engravings  explaining  the  ditferent  Games. 
Price... $2  00 

Brisbane's  Golden  Ready  Reckoner.    Calculated  in  Dollars 

and  Cents,  being  a  useful  Assistant  to  Traders  in  buying  and  selling  vari- 
cus  commodities^  either  wholesale  or  retail,  showing  at  once  the  amount  ot 
value  of  any  number  of  articles,  or  quantity  of  goods,  or  any  merchandise, 
either  oy  the  gallon,  quart,  pint,  ounce,  pound,  quarter,  hundred,  yard, 
toot,  inch,  bushel,  etc.,  in  an  easy  and  plain  manner.  To  which  are  added 
Interest  Tables,  calculated  in  dollars  and  cents,  lor  days  and  for  mouths,  aC 
six  per  cent,  and  at  seven  per  cent,  per  annum,  alternately  ;  and  a  great; 
number  of  other  Tables  and  Ilules  for  calculation  never  tiefore  in  print. 
1  y  William  D.  Brisbane,  A.  51.,  Accountant,  Book-keeper,  etc. 
Bound  in  boards,  cloth  back.    Price 35  Cts. 

The  Art  of  Conversation.     With  remarks  on  Fashion  and 

Address.  By  Mii.s.  Mabp:ki,y.  This  is  the  best  book  on  the  subject  ever 
piil)lisliod.  it  contains  nothing  that  is  verbose  or  difficult  to  understand, 
but  all  the  instructions  and  rules  for  conversation  are  given  in  a  plain  and 
coMiinon-sensc  manner,  so  that  any  one,  however  dull,  can  easily  compie- 
hcud  them.     64  pages  octavo,  large.    Price 25  Cts. 

Live  and  Learn.     A  Guide  for  all  who  wish  to  Speak  and 
Write  coiTectly.     Containing  examples  of  one  thousand  mistakes  of  daily 
occurrence,  in  speaking,  writing  and  pronunciation. 
216  pages,  cloth,  small  octavo.    Price 75  ctS- 

Bffrs.  Crowen's  American  Lady's  Cookery  Book.    Contain- 
ing over  1,200  original  receipts  for  preparing  and  cooking  all  kinoaof  dishes. 
The  most  popular  Cook  Book  ever  published. 
J2mo..  cloth,  471  pages , •    55?  00 


Popular  Booka  sfet  Free  of  Postage  at  the  Trices  Annexed. 
One  Hundred  and  Thirty  Comic  Dialogues  and  Recitations. 

Being  Barton'3  Comic  Recitations  and  Humorous  Dialog^nes,  and  Spencer's 
Comic  Speeches  and  Dialo^rues,  combined  iu  one  volume.  This  capital  book 
contains  an  endless  variety  of  Comic  Speeches,  Humorous  ^^cenes,  Amusing 
Burlesques,  and  Diverting  Dialoi^ueg.  It  embraces  JFrench,  Dutch.  Irish, 
Ethiopian  and  Yankee  Stories,  and  Irom  its  fruitful  pages  may  be  selected 
enough  tun  to  make  any  entertainment  or  exhibition  a  success. 
Bound  in  cloth.    Fdcc $1   SO 

Burlesque  and  Musical  Acting-  Charades.    By  Edmund  d. 

Kugent.  Containing  ten  CharaJes,  all  in  dilTerent  styles,  two  of  which  ar« 
easy  and  effective  Comic  Parlor  Uiieras,  with  Music  and  Pianoiorte  Accom- 
paniments. These  Plays  require  no  scenery,  and  the  dialogue  is  short,  wit- 
ty, and  easy  to  learn.     To  each  Charade  will  bo  touud  an  introductory  note, 

containing  hints  lor  it8  perfoi-mance.    Paper  cover.     Price 30  cts. 

Bound  in  boards,  cloth  back 50  ctSa 

Twenty-Six  Short  and  Amusing  Plays  for  Private  Theatri- 
cals- Being  Howard's  Drawing-room  Theatricals,  and  Hudson's  Privata 
Theatricals,  combined  in  one  volume.  This  book,  as  the  title  implies,  con- 
tains twenty-six  of  the  best  plays  that  can  be  selected  for  a  private  theatri- 
cal entertainment.  It  contains  several  amusing  plays  for  one  sex  only, 
and  is  thus  adapted  for  the  army,  navy,  and  male  or  f  ni.ilo  boarding-schools. 
It  oontAins  plain  directions  for  getting  up  a  good  amateur  performance. 
Bound  in  cloth.     Price $1  50 

Frost's  School   and   Exhibition   Dialogues.    Comprising 

Fro-t's  Humorous  Exhibition  Dialogues,  and  Frost's  Dialogu<s  fur  Youn'fj 
Folks,  combined  in  one  volume.  By  getting  this  excellent  book,  the  diffi- 
culty in  procuring  a  pood  dialogue  for  a  school  exhibition  will  be  entirely 
overcome.  It  contains  eixty-one  good  dialogues  of  evory  shade  and  variety, 
and  from  its  well-stored  pages,  may  be  selected  enough  origmal  matter  to 
ensure  the  succes-s  of  a  score  of  entertainments. 
Bound  in  cloth.    Price %1  5U 

Gnipsnaps  and  Snickerings  of  Simon  Snodgrass.  A  Collec- 
tion of  iJroU  and  I.aughalile  Stoii's.  These  funny  and  amusing  stories  are 
illuHtnitivoof  In-^h  Drolleries  and  I?l uney,  Dudiermis  Dutch  IJlumlers, 
Queer  Yankee  'J'rick.s  and  lio'lj'cs,  ^outliein  Fire-Kating  Braggadoeia, 
Borabastof  Huckerdorn,  Hackwu<xls  lioisting.  Humors  of  Horse-trading, 
Negro  Oimicalitie.s,  Perilous  Pranks  of  Fighting  Men,  Frenchmen's  liueer 
Jlialakei,  Kcot^ih  Shrewdness,  and  other  phases  of  eccentric  character  that 
go  to  make  up  a  perfect  and  complete  Medley  of  'NVit  and  Humor.  It  w 
really  and  truly  the  most  entertaining  collection  of  Lively,  Daugliable  and 
IjUdicroiis  YarnH  ever  iircsent^-d  in  a  single  volume.  There  is  not  a  dull 
story  m  tho  wholo  IxKik,  nnd  wo  feel  miro  that  it  will  givo  the  most  am]>le 
Butisfaclioii.     It  is  aLso  full  of  funny  engraviiJ^'S.    Price 5J5  cts. 

The  Strange  and  Wonderful  Adventures  of  Bachelor  But- 
terfly. Showing  h'W  lli^  piuwion  tor  Natural  History  completely  eradicat- 
ed the  t<;ndt;r  iiiiwuon  implanted  in  his  bnast — also,  detailing  his  Kxlruor- 
dinary  Traveln,  both  by  wb  and  Innd— his  H  lirbrcudth  KBcapi-s  from  ttre  and 
cold  his  Ix.-ing  conie  ov<t  by  a  WkIdw  with  nino  small  childri'n  — his  won- 
d«jrful  Adventufn  with  tin-  Doctor  and  tho  Fiddler— his  b<-ing  Bw.illowcJ 
by  a  Wliale,  an<l  then  aftrrw;ir(l.«i  rcHtored  to  his  friendB— his  capture  by  Al- 
BPrino  Piratfi  -hi»  l»jng  Froz.^n  nearly  to  Death,  and  then  Roasted  Alive  ; 
and  his  Urrn  ••iiiliininre  f>f  tbiie  iind  other  PcrilH  of  a  most  extraordinary 
nttiinj.  Tho  whole  illiidnited  by  uIkhiI  20()  cnnravinpi.  This  book  ii 
jrrintod  on  flno  i)lnt<>  paper  in  thu  nealtmt  manoor,  and  la  Iho  cheaiHait  piC" 
torial  work  eyrr  igauvl  in  America.    Price 30  ct»»« 


Popular  Boobs  sent  Free  of  Postago  at  tho  Prices  annszed. 
The  Book  of  1,000  Comical  Stories ;  or,  Eridlcas  Repast,  of 

Fun.  A  rich  banquet  for  every  day  in  the  year,  with  several  courses  aud  a 
dessert.  BILL  OF  FAllE :  Comprising,'  Tales  of  Humor,  Laughable  An- 
ecdotes, Irresistible  LroUories,  Jovial  Jokes,  Comical  Conceits,  Puns  and 
Pickings,  Quibbles  and  tiiieries,  Bon  Mots  and  Broadgrins,  Oddities,  Epi- 
grams, etc.  Appropriat''ly  Illustrated  with  300  Comic  Engravings,  hy 
the  author  of  "  Mrs.  Partington's  Carpet-bag  of  Fun." 
Large   12mo.,  cloth.     Price Jl  5G 

KErs.  Partington's  Carpet-bag-  of  Fun.    A  collection  of 

over  one  thousand  of  the  most  Cornier!  Stories,  Amusing  Adventures,  Hide- 
splitting  Jokes,  Cheek-extending  Poetrv,  Funnv  Conundrums,  QTJEEll 
SAYINGt.  OF  MR«.  PARTINGTON,  Heart-rending  Puns,  Witty  Repar- 
tees, etc.     The  whole  illustrated  by  about  1 JO  comic  wood-cuts. 

12mo.,  300  pages,  cloth,  gilt.    Price %\  25 

Ornamented  ijaper  covers 75  Cts. 

How  to  Behave ;  or,  The  Spirit  of  Etiquette.     A   Complete 

Guide  to  Polite  Society,  for  Ladies  and  Gentlemen ;  containing  rules  tot 
pood  behavior  at  the  dinner  table,  in  the  parlor,  and  in  the  street ;  witb 
important  hints  on  introduction,  conversation,  etc. 
Price 12  cts. 

Dr.  Valentine's  Comic  Metamorphoses.    Being  the  second 

series  of  Dr.  Valentine's  Lectures,  with  Characters,  as  given  by  the  lato 
Yankee  Hill.     Embellished- with  numerous  portraits. 

Ornamental  paper  cover.     Price 75  Cts. 

Cloth,  gilt $1  25 

Broad  Grins  of  the  Laughing  Philosopher.  Being  a  Col- 
lection of  Funny  Jokes,  Droll  Incidents,  and  Ludicrous  pictures.  By 
Pickle  the  YouNGEn.  This  book  is  really  a  good  one.  It  is  full  of  tha 
drollest  incidents  imaginable,  interspersed  with  good  jokes,  quaint  sayingsi 
and  funny  pictures.    Price 13  eta 

The  Knapsack  Full  of  Fun ;  or.  One  Tlionmnd  Rationn  of 

Latighier.  Illustrated  with  over  500  comical  Engravings,  and  containing 
over  one  thousand  Jokes  and  Funny  Stones.  By  Doesticks  and  othet 
witty  writers.     Large  quarto.     Price 30  CtS. 

The  Plate  of  Chowder;  A  Dish  for  Funny FVlhwa.    Appro- 

?riately  illustrated  with  100  Comic  Engravings.     By  the  author  of  "  Mrs. 
'artington's  Carpet-bag  of  Fun." 
12mo.,  paper  covei.    Price 25  ctS. 

How  to  Talk  and  Debate;  or,  Fluency  of  Speech  Attained 

without  the  Sacrifice,  of  Elegance,  and  Sf.nse. 

Price : 12  Cts. 

How  to  Dress  with  Taste,     Containing  Hints  on  the  har- 
mony of  colors,  the  theory  of  contrast,  the  complexion,  shape  or  height. 
Price 12ctW 

How  to  Cut  and  Contrive  Children's  Clothes  at  a  Small 

Cost.     With  numerous  and  explanatory  engravings.     Price 12  ctS 

The  Young  Housekeeper's  Book ;  or.  How  to  Have  a  GooA 

Living  upon  a  Small  Income.     Price 12  Cta 

The  Chairman  and  Speaker's  Guide ;  or,  Rules  for  the  Or- 
derly Conduct  cf  Public  Meetings,    Price,. ,,.. .- 12  ctS 


Popular  Books  sent  Free  of  Postage  at  tlie  Prices  annexed. 
The  Mishaps  and  Afl ventures  of  Obacliah  Oldbuck.  Vv'htrc- 

in  f-re  set  t-'Tth  the  Crossi?,  Chagi-ins,  Cilamities,  Checks,  Chills,  tho 
Ch;iui;tfs,  Circuin'^yratious,  by  which  his  Courtsliip  ■was  attendeil.  iShovring 
also,  llie  issue  of  Ins  suit,  iiiiil  his  Espousal  to  his  Lady  Love.  This  humor- 
ous and  curious  book  srts  torrh  with  1S3  coimc  dr.iwiiiHs,  the  misiortuiie.s 
vliich  befell  Mr.  OUlbuck  :  and  also  liis  tivo  uusuccusst'iil  attempts  to  com- 
mit suicide — his  hairbreadth  escapes  from  fire,  wator  and  faniini^ — his  attVc- 
t;on  1  <r  lii3  poor  do;r,  etc.  To  look  over  this  book  will  maku  yuu  latijcli  and 
you  can't  help  it.    i.'ricc 30  cts* 

Barber's  American  Book  of  Ready-Mada  Speeches.  Con- 
taining liO  original  examples  of  humorous  and  serious  Speeches,  suitaula 
tor  the  following  ooe.isioas:  Presentation  Speeches,  Convivial  Sxieeclies, 
Festival  Speeches,  Addresses  of  Welcome,  Addresses  of  Congratulation  and 
Complitncnt,  Political  i^iieeehes.  Dinner  and  Supper  Speeches,  for  Clubs, 
AssociatioLis,  etc.;  Trade  Banquets,  etc. ;  Off-hand  Speeches  on  a  variety 
of  subjects  ;  tog-etuer  with  appro)>riate  lleplics  to  each.  To  wliich  are  added, 
Ite-iolutions  of  Compliment,  Cau<!i'atulation  and  Condolenct;,  and  a  variety 
of  To.is'.s  and  Sentiments  lor  rublio  and  Private  Entertainments. 

Paper  cover.     Price 30  cts. 

Bound  in  Ixjarda,  cloth  back oO  cts» 

AUyn's  Ritual  of  Freemasonry.    Cout  duinf?  a  Comploto 

Key  to  the  following  Dosrccs:  Dci^n/o  of  Ihitcrcd  Apprentice;  Degree  of 
Fellow  Craft ;  Degree  of  Master  Blasou  ;  De;,nee  of  Mark  Master;  Deyroo 
of  Past  Master;  De^Teo  of  Kxcellent  Master;  Detrree  of  Hoyal  Arch; 
Uoyal  Arch  Chapter ;  Desrto  of  P.oyal  Master;  Degree  of  Select  Jtaslcr  ; 
Degree  of  .'-uper-Excclient  Master ;  Deg-ree  of  Ark  and  Dove  ;  Degree  of 
Kiiiglit."}  of  Constantino:  Ic.  De  r.-oo  of  Secret  Monitor ;  Degree  of  lleroino 
of  Jericho;  Dcgieeof  Knightsof  ThreeKings;  IMediterranean  Pass  ;  Order 
of  Knightsof  llio  P^cd  Cr.)3s;  Order  of  Knights  Templar  .and  Knights  of 
Malta;  Knijrhts  of  the  Cliristian  Mark,  and  Guards  of  tlie  C<inclave; 
Knigiiti  of  tho  Holy  Scpulcliro  ;  The  lloly  and  Thrice  Illustrious  Order  of 
thoCrosi;  Secret  Master;  Perfect  Master;  Intimate  Secretary;  Provo.sfc 
and  Jud^-e  ;  Ititcndant  of  the  Buildings,  or  Master  in  Israel;  Elected 
Kniglits  of  Kiiie;  Elected  Grand  M;ihtcr;  Sublimo  Knights  Elected; 
Grand  Manter  Architect ;  Knishts  of  the  Ninth  Arch  ;  Grand  Elect,  Pei'- 
fect  and  Sublime  .Mason.  Illustrated  with  38  copper-platv  engravings  ;  to 
•which  ia  added,  .a  Key  1o  tli«!  Plii  Beta  Kappa,  Orange,  and  O.d  Fo. lows' 
bocictioa.  By  Avery  AUyn,  K.  11.  C.  K.  T.  K.  M.,  etc.  12mo,  cloth. 
Price 85  GO 

Charley  "White's  Joke  Book.    Beinpj  a  pcrfert  Cixskot  oi: 

I-  Mil.  ilic  (irst  and  only  w  ork  of  tin-  kind  ever  published.  Confainiiig  a  full 
(•iiM>HC  of  III!  tlie  most  laiiu'liable  .lokes,  Willicisiiis,  etc..  as  told  by  llii> 
(•'•Ichrnted  Ktliio|iiiin  Coiiicdinn.  Ciiaim.ics  Wiiiik;  «itli  I'ullpiige  illii.strn- 
lioiM  of  his  most  pojuiliir  eliiirncters.     'J'l  jinges.     I'rice i^d  CIS. 

Black  Wit  and  Darkey    Conversations,     Bj'    CiiAn.Es 

WlllfK.  Containing  ii  larg(r  collection  of  limglifihln  AneedotOH,  .loko.s. 
.'^torieB.  A\'ittiei«TiiH,  and  Darkey  CoiiverBatioiiB.  lllustruted  with  cuts  of 
the  eonicdiiui  in  biji  best  <leliiiealioiis 1'4  otB. 

Mother  Shipton's  Fortune  Teller;  or,  Fnture  Fate  foretold 

by  llir  J'lrnirlH.  I'.eing  tlie  !i(i()  AiiKwrTs  of  PvthagoniH  to  the  (Questions  of 
Life*  D<;Hliny.  l)erived  from  llic  .Mjislic  Nuinhers  and  l.nllei-H  of  tlio 
PlaiietH.  Coiitniniiig  the  Eiiibleiiialle  liiid  Mystical  Wheel  of  I'lirtiiiie  and 
Eat"!,  heaiitifullv  eolon'd.  Also,  i-onlninin);  the  MoonV  good  imd  evil  inllu- 
oiieeti  on  Maiifiind,  ciniiniled  fnini  the  mdHt  luicieiit  niilhorilieK,  by  tho 
Ajiiroloxcr  of  tlio  19th  Century.  Ifimo,  115  pages.  Illiiininiited  paper 
cover 80  ti:. 


PopulcT  Books  sent  Free  cf  Postage  at  the  Prices  annexed. 
Day's  Book-keeping  Without  a  Master.      Containing  tho 

Hudiments  of  Book-keeping  in  Single  and  Donble  Entry,  tosrether  -n-ith  the 
propor  Forms  and  Rules  for  opening  and  keeping  Condensed  and  General 
Book  Accounts.  Tliis  -work  is  printed  in  a  heautifiil  script  trpe,  and  hence 
combines  the  advantages  of  a  handsome  stylo  of  writing  v.ith  its  Tcry  sim- 
ple and  easily  understood  lessons  in  Jiook-keeping.  It  presents  a  facsimile 
of  a  handsomely  Trritten  set  of  account  books — on  a  small  scale,  it  is  tmc, 
but  very  neat  and  pretty.  This  -will  enable  the  learner  to  improrc  his 
hand-writing,  whilo  perfecting  himself  as  an  expert,  or  first-class  account- 
ant— which  Is  done  by  frequent  practice.  The  book  exhibits  all  the  differ- 
ent forms  of  Accounts,  Balance  Sheets,  Trial-Balance,  Commercial  aud 
Honctary  Letters,  Drafts,  iXotes,  Credits,  Orders.  Inquiries,  Eeplies,  etc., 
etc.,  arranged  in  the  script  type  exactly  as  they  should  be  written  for  busi- 
ness purposes.  This  feature  makes  the  work  iiivaluablo  as  a  book  of  refer- 
ence. The  sercral  pages  have  explanations  at  the  bottom,  to  assist  tho 
learner,  in  small  type.  As  a  pattern  for  opening  book-acconnts  it  is  especi- 
ally valuable — particularly  for  those  who  are  not  well  posted  in  the  art. 
Day's  Book-reeitxg  is  the  size  of  a  regular  qiiarto  Account  Book,  and  is 
made  to  lie  flat  oi)en,  for  convenience  in  use.    Price 50  CtS- 

Blank  Books  for  Day's  Book-keeping-.    "We  have  for  sale 

Books  of  96  pages  each,  ruled  according  to  the  patterns  mentioned  on  pago 
3  of  Dat's  BooK-KEF.riNG,  suitable  for  practice  of  the  learner,  viz.:  'So.  1— 
Tor  General  Book-keeping,  pages  4  and  5;  for  C.ish  Account  on  page  13; 
for  Day  Book  in  Single  Entry,  pages  1.5  to  25.  Xo  2 — For  Condensed  Ac- 
counts, pages  9  and  10 ;  for  Cash  Accounts,  page  12  ;  for  Journal  in  Double 
lEntry,  pages  34  to  43.  Xo.  3 — For  Ledgers  in  Double  or  Single  Entry, 
page's  26  to  44.    Price,  each 50  CtS- 

How  to   Write   a  Composition.     This  original  T^ork  -n-ill 

be  found  a  Talnable  aid  in  writing  a  composition  on  any  topic.  It  lays 
down  plain  directions  for  the  division  of  a  subject  into  its  appropri.ite  heads, 
and  for  arrantring  them  in  their  natural  order,  commencing  v.  itli  the  simplest 
theme  and  advancing  progressively  to  the  treatment  of  more  complicated 
Bubjects.  The  ur:0  of  tnis'cxcellcnt  hand-book  will  s.tvc  the  student  tho 
many  hottrs  of  labor  too  often  wasted  in  trying  to  write  a  plain  composition. 
It  aflFords  a  perfect  skeleton  of  each  subject,  with  its  headings  or  divisions 
clearly  defined,  and  each  heading  filled  m  with  the  ideas  which  the  subject 
Bugge'sts ;  so  that  all  the  writer  has  to  do,  in  order  to  produce  a  good  com- 
position, is  to  enlarge  on  them  to  suit  his  taste  and  inclination. 
Botmd  in  boards,  cloth  back.    Price '. 50  Cte. 

Kugent's  Burlesque  and  Musical  Acting-  Charades.  Contain- 
ing twi  Charades,  all  in  diiferent  styles,  two  of  which  are  easy  and  effective 
Cotnic  Parlor  Operas,  with  Music  and  Pianoforte  Accompaniments.  Theso 
PlHys  require  no  scenery,  and  the  dialogue  is  short,  witty,  and  easy  to  learn. 
To  "each  Charade  will  be  found  an  introductory  note,  containing  hints  for  its 

performance.    Paper  cover.     Price '. 30  CtS. 

Bound  in  boards,  cloth  back 50  tts. 

Snir.snaps  and  Snickering's  of  Simon  Snodgrass.     These 

funny  and  amusing  stories  areiUtistrativeof  IrishDrollerics.  Ludicrous  Dutch 
Blun'ders.  Yankee  Tricks  and  Dodges,  Backwoods  Boasting,  Xegro  Comi- 
calide.s.  Perilous  Pranks  of  Fighting  Men,  Frenchmen's  Queer  Mistakes, 
niid  other  phases  of  eccentric  cliaracter  to  make  a  complete  Medley  of  Wit 
and  Humor.     Full  of  ftniny  cngruvings.     Price 25  CtS. 

The  Strange  and  Wonderful  Adventures  of  Bachelor  But- 
terfly.  Sho^ng  hi-!  IlairlirGadth  Escapes  from  fire  and  cold — 

his  being  come  over  by  a  "Widow  with  nine  small  children — and  his  finn 
endurance  of  these  andotlier  perils  of  a  most  extraordinary  nature.  Tho 
whole  illustrated  by  about  200  engravings.    Price 30  cts- 


Popular  Eooks  Sent  Free  of  Postag-o  at  tlie  Prices  annexed. 

Howard's  Recitations,  Comic,  Serious  and  Paihetic.     Being  a  col- 
lection of  fresh  Recitations  iu  Prose  and  Poetry,  Buitable  for  Anniversaries, 
Exhibitiims.  Sociables  and  Eveuiug  Parties,     isd  pages.  lOmo. 
Paper  Cover Sects.  Bound  in  Boards 50ctS. 

t^^rost's  New  Bock  of  Dialo^es.  Being  an  entirely  new  and 
original  series  of  Humorous  Dialogues,  designed  for  performance  at  School 

Anniversaries  aud  Kxhibitions.     IbO  pages.      Paper  Covers 3ucts. 

Bound  in  Boards 50ct3. 

frost's  Dialogues  for  Young  Folks.    A  collection  of  Original, 

Moral  and  Humorous  Dialogues,  adapted  to  the  use  of  School  and  Chiu-ch 
Kihibitions,  Family  Gatiierui^'s and  Juvenile  Celebrations  on  all  occasions. 
A  few  of  the  Lualoprues  are  l<)n(<  tciu;;h  to  form  a  sort  of  little  drama  that 
•will  interest  more  ailvanced  scholars,  while  short  and  easy  ones  abound  for 

the  use  of  quite  youns  children.      Paper  Cover SOctS. 

Bound  iv  Boards,  with  Cloth  BacliS,  Side  in  Colors 50ct3. 

Frost's  Humorous  and  Exhibition  Dialogues.    This  is  a  cni- 

lection  of  Sprightly  Original  Dialogues,  in  Prose  arid  Verse,  intended  to  ba 
fipoken  at  School  Exhibitions.      Some  of  the  pieces  are  for  boys,  somo  for 
piris.  vrhilc  a  number  are  designed  to  be  used  by  both  sexes.     ISO  pages. 
Paper  CoTers 30ct3.  Bound  in  Boards dOcta 

French  Seif-Tausfht.  A.  new  Rvstem  on  the  most  eimjile  prin- 
ciples for  Univen;al  Self-Tuitioa,  with  English  Pronunciation  of  every  word. 
By  FvLAKZ  Xhimm.     iTrice 25ct8- 

German  Self-Taught.  Uniform  with  "French  Self-Tanght." 
By  FnANZ  Thimm.       Price 25ct3. 

Spanish  St;lf-T?.Ught.  Uniform  with  "  French  Self-Taught.' 
By  Pbasz  Thimm.      Price 26cts. 

Italian  Self-Taught.  Uniform  with  "French  Self-Tauf,'ht." 
By  TuAHZ  XHisiii.      Price 25ct8. 

Franz  Thimm's  Modern  Languages.    Being  tho  above  four 

works  bound  together  in  cloth,  IGmo.       I'rico $1.50 

The  Banio,  and  How  to  Play  It.     Contaiuinp;,  in  addition  to 

thn  Elementary  Study,  :i  choice  collection  of  Pollias,  Waltzes.  Solos,  Schot- 
tischen.  SonRs,  UornpipeH,  Jigs.  Keels.  &c.;  with  full  explanations  of  both 
tho  "I'.anjo"  and  "(iuitar"  styles  of  execution,  and  di-signed  to  impart  a 
complete!  knowledge  of  tin:  Art  of  Playing  the  Banjo  ijnuaiciilly,  without  tho 
aid  ofaTearher.  By  Fran li  Conveuhk.  author  of  tho  "Banjo  withouta 
Master."     lOmo.       Bound  in  Boards,  with  Cloth  Back 60ct8. 

Sow  to  Speak  in  Public  ;  or,  ike  AH  of  lixkmpore  Oratory.  A 
valuable  manual  for  thoito  who  dealro  to  become  ready,  off-hand  speakcrB. 
It'.mo.      Paper  Cover 25c,S. 

IIOW  to  Shine  in  Society;   or,  the  Sdencr  of  Cmvernniion.     Con- 
tainin(;  tliri  principles,  laws,  and  general  usaftcs  of  poUto  society.     IGmo. 
Paper  Cover 25ct8. 

T^H  Athle1:e'B  Gnide.  A  Imnd-hook  on  Walkinc  PiunninR,  and 
i:  <wing,  giving  f'lll  hjMtructionii  for'lrainiiig,  and  a  Record  of  all  tho  jiriiiol- 
|.!il  event*  Him  e  tlieyi;ar  I77U,  w.th  iik.:t':hc«<>f  the  lives  of  the  most  celi'biii- 
tvdAtliUtta.    By  W,li.lUJUii>iu.  tx-Chompiuu.    Itfmo,  ciulh.    incu.dUCU 


Pooular  Ecoli3  sent  Tra  of  Postag-e  at  the  Price?  annexe!!. 


utudson's  Private  Theatricals  for  Hi 

.collection  of  Ilumorous  Plays  sviitaole  for  an  A 


IJowarci's  Book  of  Drav/ing-Eoom  Ttieatrieab.    A  colleo 

lion  of  twelve  ahurt  and  amusin;^  jjlays  in  oafc  act  i<.nd  one  scene,  Bpecialiy 
adapted  tor  private  perfoi  mances ;  with  practical  directions,  lor  their 
yjreparation  autl  managcineut.  Some  of  tlie  plays  are  adapLtd  lor  per- 
tormersof  ouc  sex  only.  This  book  is  just  wliat  is  wanted  by  lliose  wiia 
purpose  jjettiiip'  up  an  enterlaininont  of  private  theatricals  :  it  contaiijs  all 
the  necessary  instructions  for  insuring  complete  success.     ISO  pages. 

Paper  cover.     Price SO  ct& 

Bound  in  boards  vvitli  cloth  back 50  ctsi 

Home  Performance.    A 

Amateur  Eutertamment,  with 
directions  how  to  curry  out  a  performance  successtuUy.  Some  of  the  pla^  s 
«nthis  collection  are  adapted  for  performance  hy  males  only,  others  require 
only  females  lor  the  cast,  and  all  of  them  are  jn  one  scene  and  one  act,  and 
may  be  represented  in  any  moderate  sized  parlor,  without  much  prepara« 
tion  of  costume  or  scenery.     180  pafjes. 

Paper  covers.    Price .30  cfcS' 

Bound  ia  boards  with  cloth  back 50  cti 

The  Art  of  Dressing  Well.    By  Miss  S.  A.  Frost.    Thia 

book  is  designed  lor  ladies  and  g-entlemon  who  desire  to  make  a  favorabie 
.mpression  upon  society,  and  is  intended  to  meet  the  requirements  of  any 
season,  place,  or  time  :  to  offer  such  sugyestions  as  will  be  valuable  to  thos9 
just  cnteriu'.^  society  ;  to  brides,  for  wliose  .g-uidance  a  complete  trousseau 
ij  described  ;  to  persons  in  monrnin.'  ;  indeed,  to  every  individual  who  paya 
attention  to  the  important  objects  of  economy,  style,  and  propriety  of  cos- 
tume.    188  pages. 

Paper  covers.     Price 30  cts 

Bound  in  boards,  cloth  back 50  Cts 

now  to  Amuse  an  Evening  Party.    A  complete  collection 

of  Home  i;.:;ivatioiis,  including  Round  Uames,  Forfeits,  Parlor  Magic, 
Puzzles,  .and  (Jomic  Diversions ;  together  with  a  great  variety  of  Scientific 
Recreations  and  Evening  Amusements.  Profusely  illustrated  with  nearly 
two  hundred  line  woodcuts.  Here  is  family  amusement  for  the  million. 
Hero  is  parlor  or  drawiug-room  entertainment,  night  after  night,  lor  a 
whole  winter  A  young  man  with  this  volume  may  render  himself  tlie  b'nii 
ideal  of  a  delightful  companion  at  every  party.  He  may  take  the  lead  in 
amnsing  the  companv,  and  win  the  hearts  of  all  the  ladies,  and  charm  away 
the  obduracy  of  the  sioniest-hearted  parent,  by  his  powers  of  entei-taiiiment. 

Bound  in  omainental  paper  cover.     Price 30  CtS. 

Bound  in  boards,  with  cloth  back 50  CtS- 

Martine's  Broil  Dialosjnes  and  Laughable  Recitations. 

By  Arthur  Martine,  author  of  "  IMartine's  Letter- Writer,'"  etc.,  etc.  A 
C'lllecuou  of  Humorous  Dialogues,  Comic  llecitations.  Brilliant  Burlesques, 
Sijirited  Stump  Speeches,  and  Ludicrous  i'arces,  adapted  for  School  Cela- 
brations  and  Home  Amusement.     18S  pages. 

P  '.per  covers.     Price 30  Ct*" 

.  Bound  in  boards,  with  cloth  back 50  Cts» 

Frost's  Humorous  and  Exhibition  Dialosfues     This  is  a 

p.ollection  of  sprightly  original  Dialogues,  in  Prose  and  Verse,  intended  to 
be  spoken  at  School  Exhibitions.  Some  of  the  pieces  are  for  boys,  some  tot 
girls,  while  a  number  are  designed  to  be  usodby  both  sexes.  The  Dialogtics 
are  all  good,  and  will  r^cominend  them-selves  to  those  who  desire  to  hava 
innocent  fun— the  prevailing  feature  at  a  school  celebration.     180  pages. 

Paper  cover.     Price ^ 80  rtg. 

Bound  in  boards • i 50  cts 


Popular  Books  sent  Tree  of  Postage  at  the  Prices  annexed. 

What  Shall  We  Do  To-Night?  or,  Social  Amusements  for 
Dvening  I'arties.  This  Kicgaiit  Book  atiords  au  ahuost  iiipxlmugtiblo 
fund  ol'  Amuserufiit  lor  Kvciuiig-  I'aitics,  8oci;iJ  Giitiieriufrs,  aud  all  ±"es. 
tive  Occasions,  iiigeuiouslj  icioiii>l'U  togttlier  so  as  to  luraisli  complete  aiid 
evervciryiug  eiitfrtaiumuui  lor  I'lvenUj-^ix  Evetuiujx.  Its  rejicnoiie  em- 
braces all  the  botit  lioiuid  and  I'orf'eii  Games,  clcailj-  dcscriucd  and  ren- 
dered perfectly  plain  by  original  and  amusing  examples  ;  interspci  scd  w  ith 
a  preat  variety  of  Ingenious  Puzzles,  iintcrlainiiig  Tricks,  and  Innocent 
Soils;  new  and  origiiud  2Iu\ical  and  I'octical  I'astinies,  Stiirtling  Illu- 
sions, and  Mirtli  provoking  Kxhiiiiticins ;  including  coniplttn  directions  and 
text  for  perforiuiag  Charades,  Tableaux,  Parlor  Pa/itoinihira,  the  world- 
renowned  Punch  and  Judy,  Gtitlcinfij  Shnwy.  and  original  .Shadoiv  Panto- 
viimes  ;  also,  full  information  for  the  .KUiccsjful  performance  of  Dramatie 
Dialvguei  atid  Parlor  Theatricals,  with  a  selection  ol  Original  PI  ,}s,  etc., 
■written  expressly  for  this  work.  It  is  omiiellishcd  witli  oviir  one  hundred 
descriptive  aiid'explanatory  engravings,  and  contains  3C6  pages,  printed 
on  fiut  toned  paper,    l^mo,  boimd  in  extra  cloth 52.09 

How  To  Conduct  a  Debate.  A  Series  of  Complete  Debates, 
Outlines  of  Debates,  and  Oucstions  for  Discussion  ;  w  ith  references  to  the 
best  sources  of  information  on  each  particular  tojiic.  In  the  Completo 
Debates,  the  (niestions  tor  discussion  arc  detincd.  the  debate  formally 
opened,  an  un'ay  of  brilliant  arguments  adduced  on  either  tiile,  and  the 
debate  closcil  acconling  to  I'arliamcntary  u.sages.  The  second  part  con. 
sists  of  (Questions  for  Debate,  with  licads  of  arguments,  lor  and  against, 
given  iu  a  condonRod  form  for  the  speakers  to  enlarge  upon  to  suit  tluir 
own  fancy.  In  addition  to  these  arc  a  large  collectir)n  of  good  Dcbntablo 
Questions.  The  autlioritie.'i,  to  be  refciTcd  to  for  inforniation.  being  given 
at  the  close  of  ovimt  debate  throughout  the  work.    By  Frederic  Ko^vton. 

2J2  pages.  Iflmo.  jinpcr  cover 50  CIS. 

Bound  in  boards,  cloth  back 75  CtS. 

McBride's  Comic  Dialogues  .A^'" ''^(■''""^  ExluUHons  and  Lit- 
erary Kiiierlaiiiiinnf.s.  A  collec  tion  of  original  IJumoroiis  Dialogues,  cs- 
pt-cially  designed  for  the  ile\  flopinent  and  display  of  .\matcur  Dramatio 
TiUent,  and  introducing  a  varii-tv  of  sentinicntal,  si)rightly,  comic,  and 
genuine  Yankee  characters.    By  ll.  Elliott  AlcBride.     Kinio,  illuminated 

paper  cover 30  CtS. 

Jiuund  in  boards 50  CtS. 


The  Fireside  Magician;  or.  The  Art  of  XaUn-al  Magic  made 

Lami — Ixjiiig  a  familiar  and  scientific  explanation  of  Legerdemain,  Physi- 
cal .Amusement.  JJecrealivo  t'liemisti-y.  Diversions  with  Curds,  and  of  all 
the  minor  mysteries  of  Mechanical  Magic,  with  feats  as  performed  in  pub- 
lic by  II(rrr"AIi;xander  and  ]lolx;rt  lloudin.  132  pages,  lUrno,  illuminated 
iuper  cover  30  CtS. 
iouiul  in  boards,  cloth  buck 50  CtS. 

Frost's  Original  Letter- Writer,  and  Lava  and  By-Lavs  of 

American  Sncietii  Cinnbimd.  Being  a  complete  colW'cliou  of  original 
LetferH  anil  Notes  HjHin  every  inmpinablo  Rubject  of  evri-y  day  life,  and  a 
condeiiHed  but  tliorongh  treatise  on  Ktiipiette.  imd  its  usages  in  America. 
ThiM  work  ineliaU'M  a  dictionary  of  Kynonyms  oHpeclally  adapted  for  the  use 
of  corrc[;pondent8.  By  H.  A.  Pi'obt.  "  lUnjo,  378  pugcB,  extra  cloth, 
gilt 51.50 

Row's  Complete  Fractional  Ready  Reckoner.    For  bny- 

iag  M?id  Kelliiii;  nay  kind  of  men-liandiKe.  plving  the  fractional  parts  of  a 
p4juiiil.  y«rd,  etc..  from  one  ijnarter  to  one  thousand,  ut  any  price  from  ou«s 
qunrtor  of  a  cent  to  live  dollum.     By  Nelson  Itow. 
36mo,  !02piige«.     BourUs 60  CtS. 


Popular  BcKKKs  sent  Free  of  Postage  at  tlie  Prices  annexed. 
Brudder  Bones'  Book  of  Stump  Speeches  and  Burlesque 

Orations.  Also  containing  Humorous  Lectures,  Ethiopian  Dialogues,  Plan- 
tat!o:i  .Scenes,  Negro  Farces  and  Burlesques,  Laughable  Interludes  and  Com- 
ic Recitations,  interspersed  with  Dutch,  Irish,  Prench  and  Yankee  Stories. 
Compiled  and  edited  by  John  F.  t^coTX.  This  book  contains  some  of  the 
best  hits  of  the  leading  negro  delineators  of  the  present  time,  as  well  as 
mirth-provoking  jokes  and  repartees  of  the  most  celebrated  End-Men  of  the 
day,  and  specially  desifjned  for  the  introduction  of  fun  iv.  an  evening's  eii- 

tertainment.     Paper  covers.     Price 3C  cts. 

Bound  in  boards,  illuminated 50  cta> 

Frost's  Original  Letter-Writer.    A  complete  collection  of 

Original  Letters  and  Notes,  upon  every  imaginable  subject  of  Every-Day 
Life,  with  plain  directions  about  everything  connected  with  writing  a  letter. 
Containing  Letters  of  Introduction,  Letters  on  Business,  Letters  answering 
Advertisements,  Letters  of  Recommendation,  Applications  for  Employment, 
Letters  of  Contrratulation,  of  Condolence,  of  Friendship  and  Relationship, 
Love  Letters,  Notes  of  Invitation,  Notes  Accompanying  Gifts,  Letters  of 
Favor,  of  Advice,  and  Letters  of  Excuse,  together  with  an  appropriate 
answer  to  each.  The  whole  embracing  three  hundred  letters  and  notes.  By 
S.  A.  Frost,  author  of  "  The  Parlor  Stage,'"  "  Dialogues  for  Young  Folks," 
etc.  To  which  is  added  a  comprehensive  Table  of  Synonyms  alone  worth 
double  the  price  asked  for  the  book.  This  work  is  not  a  rehash  of  English 
wi'iters,  but  is  entirely  practical  and  original,  and  suited  to  the  wants  ot  the 
American  public.  AVe  assure  our  readers  that  it  is  the  best  collection  of 
letters  ever  published  in  this  country.  Bound  in  boards,  cloth  back,  vith 
illuminated  sides.     Price 60  Cts, 

Inquire  Within  for  Anylhing  you  Want  to  Knmo  ;  or.  Over 
3,700  Facts  for  the  People.  "Inquire  "Within  "  is  one  of  the  most  valuable 
and  extraordinary  volumes  ever  presented  to  the  American  public,  and 
embodies  nearly  4,000  facts,  in  most  of  which  any  person  will  find  instruc- 
tion, aid  and  entertainment.  It  contains  so  many  valuable  recipes,  that 
an  enumeration  of  them  requires  seventy-two  columns  of  fine  type  for  the 
index.     Illustrated.     43G  larye  pages.     Price $150 

The  Sociable  ;  or.  One  Thoumnd  and  One  Home  AmvaementK. 
Containing  Acting  Proverbs,  Dramatic  Charades,  Acting  Charades.Tableaux 
Vivants,  Parlor  Games  and  Parlor  Magic,  and  a  choice  collection  of  PuEzlea, 
etc.,  illustrated  with  nearly  300  Engravings  and  Diagrams,  the  whole  being 
a  fund  of  never-ending  entertainment.  By  the  author  of  the  "  Magician's 
Own  Book."    Nearly  400  pages,  12  mo.  cloth,  gilt  side  stamp.    Price.. Jl 50 

Martina's  Hand-Book  of  Etiquette  and  Guide  to  True  Po- 
liteness. A  complete  Manual  for  all  those  who  desire  to  understand  good 
breeding,  tlie  customs  of  good  society,  and  to  avoid  incorrect  and  vulgaf 
habits.  Containing  clear  and  comprehensive  directions  for  correct  manners, 
conversation,  dress,  introductions,  rules  for  good  behavior  at  Dinner  Parties 
and  the  table,  with  hints  on  wine  and  carving  at  the  table  ;  together  with  ? 
Etiquette  of  the  Ball  and  Assembly  Room,  F.vening  Partiee,  and  the  usages* 
to  be  observed  when  visiting  or  receiving  calls;  deportment  in  the  stri'd 
and  wlien  travelling.     To  which  is  added  the  Etiquette  of  Courtship  i>'l 

jBCarri.age.     Bound  in  boards,  with  cloth  back.     Price 50  Cti 

Bound    i  cloth,  gilt  side 75  Cts. 

Day's  American  Heady-Reckoner,  containing  Tallies  for 

rapid  calculations  of  Aggreii'ate  Values,  Wages,  Salaries,  Board,  Interest 
Money,  &c.,  &-c.  Also,  Tables  of  Timber,  PUnk,  Board  and  Log  Mea.surc- 
ments,  with  full  explanations  how  to  measure  them,  either  by  the  square 
foot  (board  measure),  cubic  foot  (timber  measure),  &c.     Bound  in  botrds. 

Price 50  cts. 

Bound  in  cloth • 75  ots- 


Popular  Books  sent  Free  of  Postage  at  the  Prices  annexed. 
Martine's  Letter-writer  and  Etiquette  Combined.    For 

the  use  of  Ladies  ami  Gentlemen.  ]2mo.,  cloth,  gilt  side  and  back.  A 
frre.it  many  books  have  been  printed  ou  tlie  subjeuc  of  etiquette  and  cor- 
rect behavior  iu  society,  but  none  of  them  are  suilicicutly  eomprehensiro 
and  matter-of-fact  enough  to  suit  the  class  of  people  who  may  be  called 
new  begmners  in  fashionable  lii'c.  Tliis  book  is  entirely  dili'erent  from 
others  iu  that  respect.  It  explains  in  a  plain,  common-sense  way.  precisely 
how  to  conduct  yourself  in  every  position  iu  society.  Tliis  iiook  also  containg 
over  :500  sensible  letler.s  iwid  notes  suitable  to  every  occasion  iu  life,  and  is 
probably  the  best  treatise  on  hetter-^\riting  that  has  ever  been  printed.  It 
I  gives  easily  tmderstood  direetioMS  tlmt  arc  brief  and  to  the  point.  It  has 
.  some  excellent  mo<iel  letters  of  friendship  aud  business,  and  its  model 
Love  Letters  are  unequaled.  If  any  lady  or  .uentleman  desires  to  know 
how  to  bcjin  a  love  correspondence,  this  is  just  the  book  they  want.  This 
volume  contains  the  same  matter  as  "  Alartiue's  H.'ind-book  of  Etiquette," 
and  •■  Martine's  Sensible  Letter-writer,"  and,  in  fact,  combines  those  two 
books  bound  tojrcthcr  ia  oue  substaiitial  voluuio  of  373  pages "^1  6  J 

Row's  National  Wages  Tables.  Showing  at  n  g^lanco  tlio 
amount  of  wajres,  from  half  an  hour  to  sixty  hours,  at  from  $1  to  $.37  per 
week.  Also  from  one-quarter  of  a  day  to  four  weeks,  at  §1  to  §:37  per 
per  week.  By  Nelsou  Kow.  By  this  book,  which  is  particularly  useful 
when  part  of  a  week,  day,  or  hour  is  lost,  a  largo  pay-roll  can  bo  ni.ide  out 
in  a  few  iniuutes,  thus  saving  more  time  iu  making  out  one  payroll  than 
the  cost  of  the  book.  Every  employer  hiring  help  by  the  hour,  day  or 
week,  should  get  a  copy ;  and  every  employeo  slioidd  alsoobtnin  one,  as 
it  will  enable  him  to  know  exactly  the  amoulit  of  money  he  is  entitled  to  on 

pav-<lay.    12mo,  80  pages.    UulfDoimd 60  cis. 

Cloth * 75  ct8. 

Eoan  Tuck • SLOO 

The  Young  Reporter  ;  or,  How  to  Write  Shnrt-narul.  A  com- 
plete I'lionographic  Teacher,  intended  to  afford  thorough  iustnictinn  to 
those  who  have  not  the  assistance  of  an  Oral  Teacher.  B.y  th<>  aiil  of 
this  work,  any  person  of  the  most  ordinary  intelligence  rn.ay  learn  to  writo 
Khort-Uand,  and  report  Spocches  and  Sermons  iu  a  shoit  time.  Bound  iu 
boards,  with  cloth  back 50  ct3. 

The  Yankee  Cook  Book.    ^  ^""cio  System  of  Cool-cnj.    Con- 

t-'iining  hundreds  r>f  excellent  receipts  from  actual  experience  in  Cooking; 
al«o,   full   explanations   iu   the  art  of  Carviiig.     I'M  pages.    Illuminated 

piper  cover 30  CIS. 

B.jund  in  boards,  cloth  back 50  cts. 

Mother  Shipton's  Oriental  Dream  Book.    Beinj^  n  roliablo 

Interpretation  of  Drenms,  Vi.sions,  Apparitions,  etc  Together  with  a  his- 
tory of  n-inarkable  DremnK,  proven  tiiK'  as  inlerpreted.  (,'iillectiMl  and  ar- 
ranged from  tlio  most  celebrated  Mnsti'rs.  lilino,  118  pages.  Illuminated 
paper  cover 30  Cts. 

Jack  Johnson's  Jokes  for  the  Jolly.    A  collection  of  A.n- 

totiishing  AiHwiIotfs,  W'lird  Witlicinnid,  Sidr-Splilting  .StoricH,  and 
llirthfiil  Morsi-l.-4  for  the  ^lelanelioly.  I'l'oviding  a  sum  solace  for  s.id- 
nesH,  a  balm  for  t'le  blnen,  and  an  nrtivo  antidoto  against  all  aciies. 
128  pages,  IGmo.    Illuminated  paper  cover 25  Ctd. 

Day's  Conversation  Cards.    -'  ycio  Original  Srf,  Comwis- 

ivr  Ei'thlern  (/urtiHoiiti  and  Tii:nit;/-/(mr  Atifwrm,  an  nrr'inriril  llial  the 
rrholi-  of  Ihc  .\  iijirrrx  nrr  A  jit.  Jir/iHrH  to  rnch  fine  of  the  Eiihlcfn  (^iicstitiiiil. 
The  Set  ronipriHCH  firtytHo  (.'anlM  In  the  nggrogato,  which  iiro  put  up  in 
a  hondscnno  case,  with  printed  directions  for  tu>e JJ  CtJ. 


Popular  Books  sent  Free  of  Postage  at  the  Prices  aanexed. 

The  American  IIomG  Cook  Book.  Containing  several  hun- 
dred excellent  Recipes.  The  ■whole  base  1  on  many  years'  experienoe  of  aa 
American  HousewUe.  Illustrated  with  Engravings.  All  the  Recipes  in 
this  book  .ail?  written  from  actual  experiments  m  Cooking.  There  are  m 
copyings  from  tlieoretiail  cookinj^  rrcipos. 

Bound  HI  boards,  cloth  back.     Price 50  Cta 

Bound  in  paper  covers.    Price 30  ct3. 

Amateur  Theatricals  and  Fairy -Talo  Dramas.    A  collection 

of  original  plays,  expressly  designed  for  I)riiwin^-room  perlormance.  13y 
S.  A.  Fitosr.  This  work  is  designed  to  meet  a  want,  which  has  been  long 
felt,  of  short  and  amusing  pieces  suitable  to  the  limited  staji^e  ot  the  private 
parlor.  The  old  friends  of  fairy-land  will  be  recognized  ainong  tiie  Fairy- 
Tale  Dramas,  newly  clothed  and  arranged. 

Paper  covers.     Price 30  cts. 

Bound  in  boards,  witfi  cloth  back 50  Cts. 

Parlor  Tricks  with  Cards.  Containing  explanations  of 
Tricks  and  Deceptions  with  Playing  Cards,  embracing  Tricks  with  Cards 
performed  by  Sleight-ol-hand,  by  the  aid  of  Memory,  Mental  Calculation 
and  Arrangement  of  the  Cards,  by  the  aid  of  Confederacy ;  and  Tricks 
performed  by  the  aid  of  Prepared  Cards.  The  whole  illustrated  and  made 
plain  and  easy,  with  70  engravings.  This  book  is  an  abridgment  of  our 
large  work,  entitled  "  The  fcecret  Uut." 

Paper  covers.    Price 30  ctS- 

Bound  in  boards,  with  cloth  back 50  CtS< 

Chesterfield's  Letter-writer  and  Complete  Book  of  Eti- 

QUettei  o*")  Concise,  Sys'.emalic  Directions  for  Arranging  and  Writing  LeUe.rs. 
Also,  Model  Correspondence  in  Friendship  and  Business,  and  a  great  v.ariety 
of  Model  Love  Letters.  This  work  is  also  a  Complete  Book  of  Etiquette. 
There  is  more  real  information  in  this  book  than  in  half  a  dozen  volumes 
of  the  most  expensive  ones. 
Bound  in  boards,  with  cloth  back.     Price 35  CtS, 

Frank  Converse's  Complete  Banjo  Instructor.    Without  a 

Master.  Containing  a  choice  collection  of  Banjo  Solos,  Hornpipes,  Reels, 
Jigs,  "Walk  Arounds,  Bongs,  and  Banjo  Stories,  progressively  arranged  and 
plainly  explained.     Bound  in  boards,  with  cloth  back.    Price 50  ctS. 

The  Ma^"ician's  Own  Book.     Containing  several  hundred 

amusing~Sleipht-of-haiid  and  Card  Tricks,  Perplexin;?  Puzzles,  Entertain- 
ing Tricks  and  Secret  Writinn^  Explained.  Illustrated  with  over  500  woo<l 
engravings.     12mo.,  cloth,  gilt  side  and  back  stamp.     Price 31  50 

North's  Book  of  Love  Letters.    With  Directions  how  to 

write  and  when  to  use  them,  and  120  specimen  Letters,  suitable  for  L«ver3 
of  anv  age  and  condition,  and  under  all  circumstances.  Interspersed  with 
the  author's  comments  thereon.  The  whole  forming  a  convenient  hand- 
book of  valuable  information  and  counsel  for  the  use  of  those  who  need 
friendly  guidanco  and  auvic-o  in  matters  of  Love,  Courtship  and  Marriage. 
By  Ingoi-dsey  Koi-.th.  This  book  Is  recommended  to  all  wdio  are  from  any 
cause  in  doubt  as  to  the  manner  in  which  they  should  write  or  reply  to  let- 
ters upon  love  and  courtship.  The  reader  will  be  aided  in  his  thoughts— he 
•will  see  where  he  is  likely  to  please  and  where  to  liisplease,  how  to  begin 
and  how  to  end  his  letter,  and  how  to  judge  of  those  nice  shades  of  expres- 
Fion  and  feeling  concerning  which  a  lew  mistaken  expressions  may  create 
misunderstanding.  All  who  wish  not  onlv  to  copy  a  love  letter,  but  to  learn 
the  art  of  writing  them,  will  find  North's  "book  a  very  pleasant,  sensible  and 
friendly  companion.     It  is  an  additional  recommendation  that  thev^riity 

ofler.d  is  very  large.     Cloth.     Price 75  Cta. 

liuuu  1  iu  boards 50  CU. 


Popular  Books  sent  Free  of  Pestage  at  the  Fiioes  annexed. 
Ihe  Courtship  and  Adventures  of  Jonathan  Homebred; 

or,  The   Xcrapcs  and   Escapes  of  a   Live.   Yaiilcee.     BeautiJullv  Illustrated. 
12mo.,  cloth.     This  book  is  printed  iu  huudsume  style,  oa  good  paper,  aud 
■vnth  amuiting  engraving's. 
i'ii<« SI  58 

The    Wizard    of   the   North's   Hand-Book   of   Natural 

2CaglC.  Bt/ing  a  series  ot  the  Newest  Tricks  of  I)ec<;ption,  aiTaiised  tor 
Ai:iaceur3  and  Lovers  of  the  Art.  By  Protesscr  J.  II.  ANUtnso^;,  the  j;reat 
Wizard  of  the  North. 

fnce , 25ctr. 

Ihe  Encycloptedia  of  Popular  Songs.    Being  a  compila- 

ti)a  ot   all    the  new  and  fxshionable  Patriotic,  Sentimental,  Ethiopian, 

Humorovis,  Conuc  and  Convivial  Songs,  the  whole  comprising  over  400 

soogs. 

12jio.,  cloth,  gilt.    Price SI  25 

Tory  Pastor's  Book  of  600  Comic  Songs  and  Speeches. 

Beicif  an  entire  colk-ction  of  all  the  Humorous  thongs.  Stump  .Speeches, 
Burlesque  Orations,  i'unuy  fccenes,  Comic  L)uets,  Diverting  iJialogues,  and 
Loi^l  Lyrics,  as  sung  and  given  by  the  unrivaled  Comic  Vocalist  aud  Slump 
Orator,  Tony  Pastou. 
Bomd  in  boards,  cloth  back $1  00 

Yale  College  Scrapes  ;  or,  Hmo  the  Boys  Gotk  at  Nno  Haven. 
This  IS  a  book  of  114  pages,  containing  accounts  ot  all  the  noted  and  fa- 
mous "  Scrapes  "  and  "  Sprees,"  of  which  students  at  Old  Yale  have  been 
puLfv  for  the  last  quarter  oi  a  century. 
!*''« 25ct8. 

The  Comic  English  Grairjnar ;  or,  A  Complete  Orammar  of 

'lur  Language,,  wilh  Comic  Exanples.  Illustrated  with  about  fifty  enarav- 
;ng«.     Price 25  CtS. 

The  Comical  Adventures  of  David  DufSicks.    Illustiated 

with  over  one  buiiclred  Funny  Engravings.     Large  octavo. 

I'ncc ; 25  CtB. 

Anecdotes  of  Love.     Bein^f  a  true  account  of  tlic  most  re- 
markable events  cijnnectcd  with  the  History  of  Love  in  all  Ages  and  among 
all  NationH.     By  \mi.\  Montez,  Counte.ss  of  Landstcldt. 
I.,arge  12mo.,  cloth.    Price $1  50 

Tony  Pastor's  Complete  Budget  of  Comic  Songs.    Con- 
taming  a  r-omplfto  rolKi'tioii  of  llio   New  and  Oririnal  Songs,  Burlesque 
Orations,  Slump  SI>ee(:he.^,  (.'omic  IJialogues,  I'athetic  Ballads,  as  liung  and 
L'ivi^n  by  the  celebrat<xl  Vocalist,  Tony  1'ahtou. 
Cloth,  gUt.    Price 81  25 

Tae  Laughable  Adventures  of  Messrs.  Brown,  Jones  and 

ItobinsOTl.     SliDwitig  wlnri' fhi'y  wiiif  iind  how  tliey  went  ;  what  thiydul 

and    uiivi  they  did  it.     With  n.-arly  two   hunjrv.d  most  thrillingly  iu)mia 

•-titnTivingn. 

Price 30  CtS. 

Do  Walrlen's   Bail-Room    Companion;  or,  Dnncinf/  Mmifi 

Eajy.  -^  r-(illirlifpii  of  tin:  Fahljionabl.'  l»rawing-Room  Danci-n,  Willi  lull 
din.Tt'innM  lor  rtnnrinK  all  the  Hgnr- nof  "TlicOermun."  By  Kmilk  IikV'ai,- 
ttt.H,  ProtcMor  of  Dancing.    Bound  iu  boards,  cloth  back 50  cXs 


Popular  Song  Books,  sent  Free  of  Posta^'e.    Price  Ten  Cents  each. 
NEW    SOKG    BOOKS. 

This  list  of  Song  Books  contains  all  kinds  of  Sonps,  embracing  Love.  Senti 
mental,  Ethiopian,  Scotch,  Jrish,  Convivial,  Comic,  Patriotic,  Pathetic,  ana 
Dutch  Songs,  besides  a  great  variety  of  Stump  Speeches  Burlesque  Urutioii.'*, 
Plantation  Scenes,  Irish,  Dutch,  and  Yankee  Stories,  Comic  Recitations,  Cc 
nundrums  and  Toasts. 

BVRRV  RICHMOND'S  MY  YOUNG  WIFE  AND  I  SONGSTER  10  Cts 

B  UlRY  ROBINSON'S  DON'T  YOU  WISH  YOU  WAS  MK  SONGSTER.IO   "• 

J  )HNNY  WILD'S  WHAT  Ail  1   DOING   SONGSTER IC  " 

BUELL'S  KU-KLUX-KLAJS  SONGSTER 10  " 

FRANK  KERN'S  PRETTY  LITTLE  DEAR  SONGSTER 10  *' 

HARRY  RICHMOND'S  NOT-FOR-JOSEPH  SONGSTER 10  " 

DAVE  REED'S  SALLY-COME-UP  SONGSTER 10  '* 

THEROOTLE-TUM  TOOTLE-TUM  TAY  SONGSTER 10  " 

SAM  SLICK'S  YANKEE  SONGSTER 10  " 

CHAMPAGNE  CHARLEY  SONGSTER 10   " 

„i:;NNY  ENGEL'S  DEAR  LITTLE  SHAMROCK  SONGSTER 110  " 

BILLY  EMERSON'S  NEW  COMIC  SONGSTER 10  " 

BERRIES  LAUGH  AND  GROW  FAT  SONGSTER 10  " 

TONY  PASTOR'S  BOWERY  SONGSTER 10  " 

TONY  PASTOR'S  WATER-FALL  SONGSTER 10  " 

TONY  PASTORS  444  COMBINATION  SONGSTER 10  " 

TONY  PASTOR'S  OPERA-HOUSE  SONGSTER 10  " 

TONY  PASTOJVS  CARTE  DE  VISITB  SONGSTER 10  " 

TONY  PASTOR'S  GREAT  SENSATION  SONGSTER 10  " 

TONY  PASTOR'S.gtWN  COMIC  VOCALIST 10  " 

TONY  PASTOR'S  COMIC  IRISH  SONGSTER 10  " 

TONY  PASTOR'S  COMIC  SONGSTER 10  " 

TONY  PASTOR'S  UNION  SONGSTER 10  " 

PADDY'S  THE  EOY  SONGSTER 10  " 

•BONNY  DUNDEE  SONGSTER 10  " 

WILL  CARLETON'S  DANDY  PAT  SONGSTER 10  1" 

BILLY  EMERSON'S  NANCY  FAT  SONGSTER 10  " 

HOOLEi'S  OPERA  HOUSE  SO.WGSTER 10  " 

SAM  SHARPLEY'S  IRON-CLAD  SONGSTER 10  " 

JOE  ENGLISH'S  COMIC  IRISH  SONGSTER 10  " 

RODY  MA(iUlRE'S  COMIC  VARIETY   SONGSTER 10  " 

HARRY  PELL'S  EBONY  SONGSTER 10  "• 

FRANFC  BROWER'S  BLACK  DIAMOND  SONGSTER 10  " 

FRANK  CONVERSE'S  OLD  CREMONA  SONGSTER lO  " 

NELSE  SEYMOUR'S  BIG  SHOE  SONGSTER 10  " 

THE  LANIGAN'S  BALL  SONGSTER 10  " 

TOM  MOORE'S  IRISH  MELODIES 10  " 

BILLY  HOLMES'  COMIC  LOCAL  LYRICS..- 10  " 

FATTIE  STEWART'S  COMIC  SONGSTER 10  " 

CHRISTY'S  BONES  AND  BANJO    SONGSTER 10  " 

GEORGE  CHRISTY'S  ESSENCE  OP  OLD  KENTUCKY 10  " 

CHRISTIES  NEW  SONGSTER  AND  BLACK  JOKER 10  " 

THE  CONVIVLU.  SONGSTER 10  " 

BEART  AND  HOME  SONGSTER 10  " 

BjB  HART'S  PLANTATION  SONGSTER 10  " 

^.;.LY  BIRCH'S  ETHIOPIAN  SONGSTER 10  " 

"3  iB  SHAMROCK;  or.  Songs  of  Irelakd 10  " 

EARRISON'S  COMIC  SONGSTER 10   " 

THE  CAMP-FIRE  SONG  BOOK 10  " 

THE  CHARLEY  O'MALLEY  IRISH  SONGSTER 10  " 

FRED  MAY'S  COMIC  IRISH  SONGSTER 10  " 

'HE  LOVE  AND  SENTIMENTAL   SONGSTER 10  " 

THE  IRISH  BOY  AND  YANKEE  GIRL  SONGSTER 10  " 

THE  FRISKY  IRISH  SONGSTER 10  " 

GUS  SHAW'S  s'OMIC  SONGSTER 10  " 

WOOD'S  MINSIREL  SONG  BOOK 10  " 

WOODS  NEW  PL.ANT.\T10N  MELODIES '"-  " 


Popular  Boois  seat  Tree  ol  Postage  at  the  Prices  annexed. 
Spayths  Draughts  or  Checkers  for  Beginners.    Being  a 

comprehensive  Guide  lor  those  who  desire  to  learn  the  Game.  This  treatise 
was  written  by  Henky  Spavth,  the  celebrated  player,  and  is  by  tar  the 
most  complete  and  instructive  elementary  -work  on  Draughts  ever  published. 
It  is  profusely  illustrated  with  diagrams  ot  ing-enious  stratagems,  curious 
positions,  and  perplexing:  problems,  and  contajns  a  great  variety  of  inter- 
esting and  instructive  Games,  progressively  arranged  and  clearly  explained 
with  notes,  so  that  the  learner  may  easily  comprehend  them.  With  the 
aid  of  this  valuable  Manual,  a  beginner  may  soon  master  the  theory  of 
Checkers,  and  will  only  retjuire  a  little  practice  to  become  proticient  in'tho 
Gaine.    Cloth,  gilt  side.     Price 75  c^s. 

The  Reason  Why  of  General  Science.  A  careful  collec- 
tion ot  some  thousands  of  Reasons  for  things,  which,  though  generally 
known,  are  imijeriectly  understood.  Being  a  book  of  Condensed  Sci- 
entitic  Knowledge.  It  is  a  complete  Encyclopedia  of  Science ;  and  per- 
sons who  have  never  had  the  advantage  of  a  liberal  education  may,  by  the 
aid  of  this  volume,  acquire  knowledge  which  the  study  of  years  only  would 
impart  in  the  ordinary  coui-so.  It  explains  everything  in  Vcience  that  can 
be  thought  of,  and  tiie  whole  is  airanged  with  a  full  index.  A  large  vol- 
ume ot  346  pagi-s,  bound  in  muslin,  gilt,  and  illustrated  with  numerous 
wood-cuts.     Price gl  5O 

Ire  Walden's   E-ali-room    Companion ;  or,  JJnndng  Made 

£kity.  A  Complete  Pmelical  Instructor  in  the  art  of  Dancing,  containing 
all  the  fashionable  and  approved  Dances,  diiections  for  calling  the  Figures, 
etc.  By  Kmile  De  Waujkn,  Teaoher  of  Dancing."^his  book  gives  in- 
Btniction  in  Deportment,  Kudiments  aud  Positions,  Bows  and  Courtesies, 
Fancy  Dancing,  QiiadiUlei*,  Waltzes,  Minuets,  Jigs,  Spanish  Dances,  Pol- 
ka, bchottische,  Galoj),  Deux  Temps,  Danish,  Redowa,  Varsovienue,  Hop, 
etc.,  togeth<-r  with  all  the  newest  Waltres  and  Quadrilh^s  in  vogue.  It  also 
contains  ojmplete  directions  fcrall  tlie  figures  ot  the  celebrated  "  German  " 
or  Cotillion.     Bound  in  bfjards,  cloth  back.     Price 60  CtS- 

The  Game  of  Draughts,  or  Checkers,  Simpllfud,  and  Ex- 

plaitipil.  AVilh  practical  Diagrams  and  Illustrations,  together  with  a 
Checker-Board,  numbered  and  jirinted  in  red.  Containing  the  Eighteen 
Htandard  Games,  with  over  200  of  the  best  variations,  selected  from  the 
various  authors,  together  with  many  oi'iginal  ones  never  before  published. 
By  D.  ScATiF.uGooi). 
Bound  111  cloth,  with  flexible  covers.    Price 50  Cta. 

Courteney's  Dictionary  of  Abbreviations ;  Liteiai)-,  Scien- 
tific, Commercial,  Kci'lcsiastical,  Militarj',  Naval,  Legal  and  Medical.  A 
IxKjk  of  reference — .{.(MH)  abbn.viations— for  the  solution  of  all  literary  mys- 
teries. By  Kdwaui)  .S.  C.  Couhtknky,  Esq.  This  is  a  very  useful  Vioi'ik. 
Everybody  should  get  a  copy.     Price .12  ctS. 

How  to  Detect  Adulteration  in  Our  Daily  Food  and  Drinlv. 

A  complete  analysis  of  tlie  frauds  and  deceptions  ]iiactised  upon  articles 
(if  con.tumiition,  by  i!f<jreke''])ers  and  mnnufactuiers  ;  witli  full    'tlrectlMii 
ti)  detect  genuine  trom  spurious,  by  simple  and  iucxpcnBivc  means. 
iTice 12ct8.' 

Blunders  in  Behavior  Corrected.  A  Concise  Code  of  De- 
port mL-nt  for  Udli  sexi'S.     Price 12  ctS- 

"It  will  ;>olitth  anil  refine  either  sex,  and  is  Che    Lrflc'.J  superseded."—' 

II.  w    '■;■■•. 

?ive  Hundred  French  Phrases.    ..^d.i-'^'^  for  those  wlio 

uspiro  to  Bpcak  and  write  French  coirectly.     Price •••^  w'> 


Pooul: 


The  Socia 

Containing 
Vivants,  P 
carious  me 
and  diagra 
12mo.,  clot 

B-ank  Co 

Master.  < 
,iig-s,  Walk 
plainly  exj 
out  the  aid 
bols.     100 


This  book  is  DUE  on  the  last 
date  stamped  below 

Dec  lb   ob 


NOV  1     1961 


The  "Ksig 

amusing-   i    T'R'TTT'PT  T'OT)  r-'-, 
ing  Tricks     J-^*  lliiUj  J.i,.^^Xi. 


NOV  2  6 


UA 


12mo.,  clot  ... 

TheSecre        '""    "■  ^   ^97^ 
knot»o?tHREE  WEEKS  FROM  Div^ 

398  pages,     JJQJi.RENEVMBLE  ^^^ 

Book  of  ]       .  ./^       '^ 

all  kinds  o  U^Vl-' 

tainin^  fit 
with  60  en 
Bound  in 

Parlor  T 

the  Decep' 
and  made 
Pai>er  cov 
Bound  in 

The  Boo: 

of  the  mo 
tion.  Pa] 
Bound  in 

The  Pla3 

octavo,  pr 
Bound  in 
Bound  in 

The  Pla; 

healthy  n 
trated  wi 
Bound  in 
Bound  in 

The  Par 


LOMS 

£  OF  RECQPI 


ing-Room 

Paper  co^  ^»n^lO,'48(Bl040)470 

Boards,  c._ 


The  Book  ^-^ 

of  pntnrtai 
numerous  en-ii'avin;- 
Bound  in  boards,  cloth  back 


ifiOTi^  iHixumuers,  pro. 
Paper  covers  rrPricc 


iusenic7i'!f. 
,  Tableaux 
iUection  oV 
engTaving'j 

$150 

ithont  a 

ipes.  Keels, 
Tangfed  and 
njoist  with- 
latory  svm- 
50cts. 

hundred 
I  Entertain- 
er 500  wood 


gl50 

Cards  ever 


$150 

ontaining 

s  and  Enlei'- 

lUustralfd 

SOcts- 

50cts. 

ions  of  all 

le  illustrated 


;......30cts. 

50cts. 

lescription 
;  as  a  Recrea- 

30cts- 

50  cts- 

iris.    Small 


50  cts 

75  cts. 

A  book  of 
nents.     IUu3- 


50  cts. 

75  cts. 

ir  the  Draw- 
vjngs. 

SOcts. 

50  cts- 

all  kinds 

lir!tratp'l  ■with 
...50  ct?. 
...SPcfe 


LOS  ANGELES 
LIBRARY 


tGIONAL  LIBRARY  FACILITY 


AA    000  408  062    8 


PLEASE  DO  NOT  REMOVE 
THIS  BOOK  CARD    j 


.^lUBRAliYQ 


University  Research  Library 


i 


GOCD    BOOKS 

Se  \<    BVc©    -vi'    I^ostafre    at    the    Frioeei    IVCarlced, 

♦  ♦  » 

Le  MarchaniV,  rorttine  Teller  and  Dream  Book,-- S5  tu 

Tbo  Young  Beporter;  or,  How  to  Write  ShortHaA, " 50     ' 

Brisbane's  Golden  Eeady-Keckoner, -....%.....35   '• 

The  American  Hoyle;  or,  Gentleman's  Book  of  Games, ^00    " 

The  Book  of  Eiddles,  and  600  Amusements, -fiO   " 

The  Parlor  Magician,  200  Illustrations, • -—60  '" 

Parlov  Tricks  with  Cards, 60    ' 

Hillgr  ve'sBallEoom  Guide, 76 

PettengiU'i  Fortune  Teller  and  Dream  Book, - j-r-85    " 

Chesterfield's  Etiquette  and  Letter  Writer  combined, U..35   ** 

Fontaine's  Golden  Wheel  Dream  Book  and  Fortune  Teller, 85   " 

EverlK'ting  Fortune  Teller  and  Magnetic  Dream  Book, ..—30    " 

100  Gazmblers' Tricks  with  Cards  Exposed, 30    '' 

■^  illis' Etiquette  and  Usages  of  Society, 18 

Eichardson's  Monitor  of  Freemasonary, 1*5   '* 

The  Periect  Gentleman ;  ^r,  Etiquette  and  Eloquence. 150 

The  Ladies'  Fortune  Teller  of  Love,  Courtship),  and  Marriage, 30   " 

How  k- Play  Whist,  Euchre,  Loo,  and  Poker, 13   " 

Kors-  Taming,  as  practiced  by  J.  H.  Earey, 13 

Know;?on's  '  oupielerarrier  and  Horse  Doctor,-  13   " 

Al-Ma-Kan-Tur  Circle ;  or.  How  to  Win  a  Sweetheart  or  Lover,— 25   " 

Book  of  Firraide  Games  for  Home  Amusement, — 60 

Book  of  500Curious  Puzzles,  with  100  Illustrations, 50    '* 

The  Secret  Out ;  or,  1,000  Tricks  with  Cards, I  50  '| 

How  to  Mix  Drinks,  cpntaining  800  Eecipes, -- 2  60 

Chesterfield's  Art  of  Letter- Writing  Simplified,- IS 

TheLawL  of  Love;  or,  Ho?7  to  Conduct  a  Courtship, 30    ^ 

H  V  to  Woo  and  How  to  Win ;  or,  Eules  for  Courtship, 13 

Bridal  Etiquette,  with  Eules  for  Bridesmaids, 

How  to  Behave;  or,  The  Spirit  of  Etiquette,-- 

Mind  Your  Stops ;  or,  Punctuation  Made  Plain, 

Dictionary  of  3,000  Abbreviations, • 13 

Blunders  in  Beliavior  Corrected -- 13 

He         Talk  and  Debate, 13   '| 

LacL         'idetnBej.nty,  containing  over  500  Eecipes, 26    | 

Ladies  ^  ide  to  Crochet   Cloth,Gilt, —  .-■.126    " 

The  American  Home  Cook  Booli,- 30 

Live  and  Learn;  or,  1,000  Mistakes  in  Speaking  and  Writing 

Corrected, 75 

Morgan'-  Freemasonary  Exposed  and  Explained, 25 

Boxinfx  Made  Easy,  and  How  to  Wrestle, 13 

Courtship  Made  Easy ;  or,  the  Art  of  Making  Love  fully  Explained,  13 

Ladies' Guide  to  Beauty.    By  Lola  Montez, 76 

The  Game  of  Checkers  Simplified  and  Explained, 50 

Sexxa  Ca«i.  Order-  to  DICK  &  FITZG-ERALD, 

Publlshars,  No.  18  Ann  Street,  New  Toi  k. 


l\ 


